“Mmm... Is that it?”

My little wifey’s disappointed tone sends a lance of pain through my heart, illogical though my reaction might be. “Well... yea. Were you expecting something different?”

Lin tilts her head to the left, then the right, as if trying to get a better look. “I dunno,” she says after considering my question. “I thought it’d be bigger, ya? Can I take a closer look?”

Oof. No man wants to hear those words, no matter the context. “No, you’re fine right where you are. Besides, how big does it need to be?” She’s oh so sweet and lovable but her unrealistic expectations are downright silly. “I mean... it’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen.” Truth be told, I’d hoped it’d be bigger too, but such is life.

Still unconvinced, Lin shakes her head and answers, “Me too, but still... It’s not just the size. It’s not pretty. I don’t like the colour, or how lumpy it is, and why isn’t its head round and smooth? It’s pointy and scary looking, I don’t like it.” Her cheeks puff up in an adorable mini-tantrum, disillusioned by the truth and unwilling to accept it.

“Well... you’re not wrong.” The long delay really built up expectations, but the reality of our situation is rather disappointing. At least Tali and Tate are enjoying it. Perched atop their parents’ shoulders, the adorable twins shout and holler in a fruitless attempt to attract the distant, giant turtle’s attention. It’s hard not to smile seeing them so hard at work, shouting promises of sweet treats and warm hugs for the giant luggage lizard. Thankfully, Ping Yao’s Guardian Turtle cares nothing for the promises of children, or more likely it can't hear them from over a kilometere away. Basking in the mid-morning sun, the turtle is so motionless it almost blends into its riverside surroundings. If not for Guard Leader's sharp eye, we might've walked right over it and never noticed.

Until it moves and eats us, but whatever. We're safe here... probably.

Far from the gargantuan behemoth I was expecting, Ping Yao’s Guardian Turtle measures two elephants wide, two elephants long, and about one and a half elephants tall. While certainly large, it’s a far cry from the city destroying monstrosity Lin and I had envisioned. Instead of a smooth, round shell, its dark, greenish-brown exterior is jagged and pointy, forming an oddly satisfying pattern of orderly spikes running along its back and sides. As Lin already mentioned, its leathery head ends in an intimidating hooked beak, sitting half-opened as if showing off the pointed, flesh-rending mandibles. While turtles are notorious for their lack of speed, its meaty, muscled limbs make me leery of putting that theory to the test, on land or in water.

That’s no turtle. What we have here is clearly an armoured dinosaur on steroids.

Honestly... This world is freaking terrifying.

Sadly, Blobby has no reaction to his alleged monster-child. No reaction to anything for that matter, merely floating about the void like an inanimate object and ruining my dreams of riding to war atop the coolest mount ever. It was a long shot anyways, even if the turtle owes its longevity and size to Blobby, who’s to say it remembers him? What’s more interesting than the turtle itself is the turtle’s territory, a beautiful, untouched bamboo grove supposedly spanning over eighty square kilometres. Although the turtle rarely leaves the riverside, land predators are so frightened by its presence they refuse to come anywhere near its stomping grounds. Even Mafu and the other roosequins were reluctant to follow us deep into the grove to say nothing of sweet, cowardly Aurie and his siblings.

This strange development has led to a dearth of land-based creatures in the area and a thriving tree-top ecology comprising some of the most adorable tree-dwelling creatures I’ve ever seen. Mischievous monkeys and clumsy pandas are a common sight, as are squirrels, chipmunks, martens, and minks, but it’s the oh so lovable and curious red pandas who’ve captured my heart. Peering down from their treetop perches, their red-and-white furred faces are a delight to behold while their bumbling antics endear them to all. Only Alsantset’s strict guidelines keep me from taking to the treetops and capturing an entire fluffy pack of the adorable bear-cats to bring home, with no amount of pleading glances able to change her mind.

Apparently, I have too many pets (an opinion I wholeheartedly disagree with), so unless it’s 100% certain the creature will die without my intervention, I’m not allowed to adopt them. Like every other creature in existence, these red panda’s are a fiercer variant compared to what I'd expect, able to fight off predators with their greater numbers. This combined with their pack mentality means there are no fluffy little orphans for me to adopt, a most disheartening outcome. It’s almost enough to make a grown man cry.

Well... This animal-loving grown man, at least. They’re so fluffy, I wanna pet and cuddle and love them. Is that too much to ask for?

So far, I'm pleased to say our little outing has gone off with no major incidents or disturbances. After leaving Baatar and the Northern army to eat our dust, we encountered no hardships or catastrophes while making our way to the outskirts of Ping Yao. After a night of camping at the roadside, I left most of my retinue and pets behind and proceeded with my family on our trip to see this most underwhelming Guardian Turtle of Ping Yao. I’m not gonna lie, I was a little nervous with only Wang Bao’s hoodlums and Guard Leader’s less than reassuring presence to keep us safe, but things are going smoothly aside from one tiny hiccup. Having long since woken from her food-induced coma, Mama Bun happily made the trip nestled in Lin’s arms, but about an hour ago, the stupid buck-toothed rodent struggled out of my wifey’s embrace and bolted off to follow her nose, heedless to any danger as always. Less worried about her safety and more concerned for the well-being of nearby Spiritual Plants, Taduk followed Mama Bun off into the wilderness, but not before telling us to continue on without him.

Worried for my air-headed dreamer of a teacher, I tried to follow along but they were both too fast for me to keep up. Say what you will about his goofy nature, but Taduk is speedy, disappearing into the underbrush in the blink of an eye. In retrospect, I shouldn’t be so surprised by his Martial prowess. I mean, traditional Healing is widely accepted as the most complicated application of Chi usable without an Awakening and my Teacher is the best of the best. You don’t become a Medical Saint through popular vote, though I’m still not clear on what the actual vetting process involves. Either way, Taduk’s no slouch in the Chi control department which means he’s probably okay running around on his own. I hope he stays safe and comes back soon, preferable with Mama Bun intact. Problem is, I wouldn’t put it past him to roast a haunch or two and blame her injuries on the local wildlife. As he’s said many times before, the only thing he likes about rabbits is the taste.

Considering its inactive state, even Tali and Tate soon grow bored of the turtle’s non-antics and we begin our four-hour hike back to the campsite, with Wang Bao’s hoodlums scattered around us in a protective ring. With her chin on my shoulder and cheek pressed against mine, Lin and the twins sing a song I taught them, something about walking five hundred miles and da-dat-daah’s, whatever those are.

I swear, I remember the most useless things.

After almost half an hour of da-dat-daah’s I grin wryly and say, “Glad to see you’re no longer upset over the tiny turtle.”

Lin giggles and hugs me tighter, leaving Tali and Tate to their endless song. “Well, even if it didn’t swim or move, at least we can say we saw it. Wish we could’ve gone closer though, it would’ve been fun to stand on its head, ya?”

“Yea, no my crazy little wifey. Even if the turtle were willing, I doubt the turtle’s guards will let us get that close.” Supposedly, the turtle has an elite cadre of volunteer warriors keeping it safe from poachers and other unsavoury types. Old as it is, the turtle is undoubtedly a walking Spiritual Heart, but Ping Yao takes the safety of its guardian seriously and no one’s tried to steal or murder the turtle yet, so whether they exist is still up in the air. I haven’t seen them, which means these turtle ninja’s are either too high level to be seen or my ninja level is too low to spot them.

Or they don’t exist, which is also possible.

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Rudely blowing a raspberry, Lin settles in and says, “Whatever. They can’t stop us, my Rainy is the strongest! All you need is one swing and bam, send them all flying away.” Another stark reminder to never get on Lin’s bad side. For an adorable, sheltered young lady, she’s surprisingly bloodthirsty and tyrannical in demeanour. “So what now hubby?”

“Well, I figure we head back to camp and relax, then leave in the morning for the Society. I know we’re all tired from travelling, but I think it’d be best if we rushed back and tried to stay ahead of the army. It’ll make for much more comfortable travelling. Sound good?”

The question isn’t for Lin’s sake, but Alsantset, Charok, and Guard Leader offer no opinion so our plan is set. Honestly, I understand the need for it, but living under military law is too stifling and oppressive, with every infraction punishable by lashes or death. No thank you, I’d much rather ride out ahead, where the air is clean and road mostly poop-free. With the sheer amount of horse and human poop we’ve been exposed to during our travels, it’s a miracle no one’s gotten pink eye or dysentery.

Keeping with our streak of good fortune, our merry little band makes it back to camp safe and sound. Leaving Lin with Li Song and my fur babies, I follow the distinct sounds of sparring to a nearby clearing where the newest, and undeniably most zealous members of my retinue are hard at work getting the shit kicked out of them courtesy of Ravil, Pran, Saluk, Jochi, and Argat. My trainers are merciless and unsympathetic towards their inexperienced opponents, pummelling the poor one-time slaves into submission. While lacking in skill, these formerly tainted workers make up for it with boundless energy and indefatigable will, hopping to their feet and getting back in line without a hint of anger or resentment. Only twenty have joined my retinue because that’s how many could swear an Oath.

They’re led by Lang Yi, and his second, Lang Er, whose names literally translate to Wolf One and Wolf Two. After they introduced themselves, I had to walk away from the rest out of fear they’d all numbered themselves like some sort of weird, furry cult. Thankfully, this wasn’t the case; Lang Yi and Lang Er are merely brothers who had the misfortune of being born to unimaginative parents. Watching all twenty new members persevere through this hellish, abusive training, I’m tempted to put a stop to the proceedings but, somehow sensing my intentions, Alsantset puts her hand on my shoulder and silences me with a shake of her head before swapping places with Argat.

Pulling off his helmet with a satisfied sigh, Argat combs his fingers through his glorious, red-gold sideburns and attached neck beard with a smile. He really has a monkey's face, lacking a single hair on his upper lip. Mischievous to the extreme, the half-monkey brothers Argat and Jochi agreed to Baatar’s request because they thought it’d be a walk in the park keeping me safe. Regrettably for all involved, but mostly me, things in Sanshu did not work out as planned. While I fought off a horde of would-be assassins sent by the Council, they were busy getting shit-faced at a tavern. While I stood atop Mafu’s back and tried to stop Gao Qiu’s boat with my face, they were stuck on shore because their quins ran too far away to join me in time. While the Shrike rode off with my comatose body strapped to a horse’s ass, they were racing to keep up in the treetops because they were too ashamed to show their faces and wanted to guard me from the shadows. In the aftermath, they were so embarrassed by their poor showing they refused to come home and even now won't look at or speak to Baatar.

Can’t say I blame them. They really screwed the pooch.

Terrible track record aside, they’re decent folk and they’ve joined my retinue to regain lost honour or whatnot. Wrapping his arm around my shoulders, Argat laughs and pulls me in for an embrace. “So brat,” he Sends, keeping the disrespectful nickname and our conversation private. “What do you think? Not half bad for a bunch of nobodies, eh?”

“Yea, I guess,” I answer, conflicted over the whole idea. “This wasn’t what I had in mind when I set them free. I figured they’d live a nice, quiet life on Yo Ling’s island or something, not come marching to war with me.” Against my wishes, Baatar insisted the former slaves swear an Oath of service, and while not as restrictive as a true slave’s oath, it’s slavery-adjacent and not something I’m comfortable with.

“Ha.” Chortling out loud, Argat thumps my shoulder and says, “Lemme tell you something, brat. I spent months teaching them to fight, so I know a thing or two. After cleansing them of the Father’s Taint and saving them from a life of slavery, serving you is their second greatest desire.”

Knowing he won’t say anything until I ask, I reluctantly play along. “And what, pray tell, is their greatest desire?”

My lack of enthusiasm going unnoticed, Argat’s grin darkens. “The answer is simple: They want revenge against the Defiled. Joining you lets them do both, so don’t mind those oaths one bit. They made their choice. If you don’t accept them, they’ll still follow you south cause that’s where all the fighting’s gonna be.”

Watching my sister gleefully bash one of them into submission, I assume they all regret their decision. “Their... intensity is good, but that won’t do much good on the battlefield. Look at them, they can barely put up a fight.”

“True, but what do you expect? When we started, they were peasant slaves who’d never fought a day in their lives. Now, they’ve found Balance, sworn an oath, and know which end of the spear to hold, which let me tell you, is a vast improvement. Their Forms ain’t half bad either, so we really struck gold with them. I don’t doubt the others will soon follow in their footsteps and you’ll have another sixty fodder soldiers to pad your retinue.”

There’s something about Argat’s statement, but I can’t quite place it until I review the timeline. Calling a halt to the sparring, I ask Lang Yi and his people to form up for inspection. Fourteen men and six women, all sweaty and breathless from the day’s training. Though lacking the sheer bulk of career soldiers, there isn’t an ounce of fat on their overworked bodies, made slim and sinewy from years of hard work and months of good food. Rarely do I see a patch of skin unmarked by lash or scar, the signs of their ordeals yet to fade but their eyes burn with impassioned fervour. Addressing them as a group, I ask, “None of you have experience in the military?”

“No, Great One.”

I’ve given up trying to change their form of address, it’s a lost cause. They’re surprisingly stubborn about the weirdest things. “Before learning from Jochi and Argat, none of you had ever found Balance before?”

“No, Great One.”

Hmm... To have so many people reach Balance in six months of training is impressive. Glancing at the handsome monkey brothers, I dismiss the notion it's due to their effective teaching. They don’t strike me as the patient, scholarly type, so how did they manage such great results? One or two can be explained by natural talent and luck, but twenty out of a total eighty? With the other sixty close behind? Impossible. “Demonstrate the Forms.” After watching them for a few minutes, I realize they’re far more skilled than they should be considering the bare minimum amount of training they’ve had. Calling Baledagh out of the void, I voice my worries and ask him to take a long, hard look at these new recruits.

“Not a spectre in sight.”

Baledagh’s answer isn’t surprising, but I have to be sure. “And you’re certain they were only Tainted and not Defiled?”

“Couldn’t have done anything about it if they weren’t.” Offering me a mental shrug, Baledagh asks, “Why does it matter?”

“Because even though they were never wholly Defiled, being Tainted might have... I dunno, improved their talents or something. An increase in... Chi sensitivity or an endowment of aptitude.”

“So? We knew this already, sort of. All Defiled know how to fight, it’s part of the whole murderous cannibal package.”

Baledagh’s starting to sound like me, which I'm not thrilled with, but I’ve other things on my mind to deal with at the moment. “Except that these guys are an argument against that. You don’t have to be Defiled to learn how to fight like a Defiled. If we can figure out how and duplicate it, then we could raise massive armies of Martial Warriors in record time.”

“Okay,” Baledagh says with yet another mental shrug. “So where do we start?”

“...No clue. Whatever, it’s food for thought.” When Baledagh devours the Spectres, maybe a part gets left behind in the Tainted, and that helps them train. Hard to say considering Lang Yi and his cohorts are the only highly Tainted people I’ve come across who were also civilians. Everyone else was a military or martial figure of skill.

With all these wild thoughts and half-baked theories running through my head, I spend the rest of the day and most of the night tossing and turning in bed, so much so that Aurie and Mafu each voice their protests. Giving up on sleep, I set up a bowl of water for my daily Elemental practice. While I’ve yet to succeed in controlling water, I refuse to give up. I’m so close to being an awesome mage, even if it’s merely a water mage.

I can do cool stuff with water... right?

...

Whatever, it’s better than nothing.

Immersing my hands in the water, I circulate my Chi throughout my body, guiding without directing, controlling without holding, moving without thinking. This power is mine to use so long as I hold it, and the water is but an extension of my body. There is no beginning or end, only a -

“Boss. Boss!” Shaking me out of my meditative trance, Ravil’s eyes hold an emotion I’ve never seen from him: fear. “You need to come see this.”

Leaving Aurie and Mafu curled up together on the bed, I step out of my yurt and close the door. “Okay, so what’s the big – never mind. Got it.”

Barely an arm’s length away stands the Guardian Turtle of Ping Yao, peering down its nose at me with its dark, beady eyes. Its hooked beak opens wide as it unhinges its jaw, stretching taller than I stand from foot to head. The fetid stench of rotten fish and spoiled meat fills my nostrils as it lets loose with an earth-shattering scr-

No, scratch that.

It’s more of a high-pitched moan, like a happy sigh or air leaking from a balloon. It's cute and totally doesn't fit its image.

Having said its piece, the turtle closes its mouth and settles down beside my yurt. Only now do I notice my lovely wifey laying atop of the giant turtle’s head, as if it were a quin or wildcat. “Hi hubby,” she says while clinging to its head in a full-bodied hug. “Which do you think's a better name, Ping-Ping or Yao-Yao?”

Chapter Meme