Despite Luo-Luo’s best efforts to amend his ways, Lord Husband had yet to grasp the significance of his public image.

It wasn’t his bloody, war-torn clothing which bothered her so, for such was to be expected of a soldier returning from the front lines. Nor was it his enthusiastic waving from afar which made him seem more like a homesick child rather than the triumphant hero he was, or how he greeted everyone, even all his animals down to the last rabbit, with warm hugs, soft nuzzles, sweet whispers, and in Yan’s case a salacious kiss, yet all Luo-Luo received was a polite smile and businesslike nod. It wasn’t even his shabby posture or wispy facial hair in dire need of a razor’s touch which irked her so. No, the greatest affront to Lord Husband’s image was his choice to make his triumphant return to SuiHua with his legs folded like a damsel while seated on the back of the biggest, ugliest, smelliest bull in all of Central.

At this point, Luo-Luo suspected Lord Husband was being wilfully antagonistic just to spite her.

Having sent a rider ahead to bring word of his arrival, it didn’t take long for Lord Husband’s retinue and herd of cattle to pass through the gates and make their way around the city to their campground. Luo-Luo had worked hard to ensure every last detail had been accounted for their homecoming, and she did her best to make it known. She’d picked out the perfect resting area, an isolated yet scenic field with easy access to the bay where his retinue and cattle could rest and graze in peace, away from the hubbub of moving caravans, migrant soldiers, and boisterous merchants hawking their overpriced wares. She’d instructed the camp followers to spare no expense on tonight’s celebratory feast and bought plenty of fresh meat, fragrant wines, and tantalizing desserts for all to share. She even purchased new bedding, blankets, and plain-clothes uniforms for the soldiers, though her heart ached to see Lord Husband’s brutes tearing off sleeves, cutting slits in pants, throwing away vests, and a host of other horrible modifications to the snappy ensemble she’d designed and commissioned using her share of profits from Lord Husband’s business endeavours.

Were things to continue in this fashion, the only way she’d ever see Lord Husband at the head of a heroic, dashing retinue would be to paint it from imagination...

Luo-Luo didn’t forget to entice and titillate her war-weary Lord Husband either, wearing a freshly tailored dress made to accentuate her cleavage and hips. Displaying the latter set her cheeks aflame, for she felt as if her posterior was completely uncovered, with every curve and contour on exhibit like a wanton harlot stalking the streets in search of a client. Sadly, nothing came of her foresight and shamelessness besides more polite smiles and businesslike nods, which was disheartening to say the least. She truly thought things had changed during these past two months and that upon his return, he would see her in a new light. They’d been in near constant communication during his time in Sinuji and while the conversation rarely strayed from his business interests, he wasn’t much sweeter to Lin-Lin or Mila in writing. After weeks of cordial correspondence, Luo-Luo had imagined seeing burning desire or at least fond affection in his beautiful, amber eyes as she welcomed her Lord Husband home with a hearty embrace.

Instead, reality reared its ugly head and Luo-Luo was summarily cast aside, playing the part of stranger intruding on a loving family reunion.

Even his animals were treated with more warmth than Luo-Luo, including the newest additions to his menagerie, a herd of dirty, disgusting cattle. While waiting for his soldiers to finish setting camp and dinner to finish cooking, Lord Husband tended to his bovine mount, an intimidating creature of horn and muscle. In obvious distress due to its new surroundings and all the commotion, the beast dug its hooves in and lowered its head, turning its massive twin horns this way and that to warn off the unfamiliar strangers in this unfamiliar locale. It didn’t look much like the beasts Luo-Luo had seen depicted in paintings, but rather a shaggier, more muscular cousin of sorts, the difference as stark as the one between Lord Husband’s wildcats and a tiger. Its beady, brown eyes burned with fury from behind its coarse, thick fur, its dark, sinewy form barely able to contain its strapping might. An unkempt behemoth standing over two meters tall at the shoulders, it towered over Luo-Luo’s head, to say nothing of Lord Husband’s, but he seemed unconcerned by the creature’s size or anxiety. “Easy Moomie,” he said, his voice calm and reassuring as he stroked its neck, far more tenderly than he’d ever touched Luo-Luo. “Nothing to be afraid of big guy. Everyone’s a friend here, no need to worry. Jimjam, get back here. Don’t stalk the cows, you’re gonna get trampled.”

Bold and daring as always, Lin-Lin reached up and stroked the creature’s muzzle, causing Luo-Luo’s heart to skip a beat as the behemoth flinched and stamped its hooves. Unfazed, Lin-Lin lifted the bull’s jowls to inspect its teeth and said, “Mm, it’s too late to butcher and cook you today Moomie, but we can do it tomorrow, ya? You’re gonna be so yummy. Char-Char will turn you into steaks and ribs and skewers and beef buns and beef brisket and beef tongue –”

Pulling Lin-Lin back into his embrace, Lord Husband lifted her away from the bull with a troubled frown. “No wifey, Moomie isn’t for eating. First off, he’s a wild cow so he won’t taste good. Secondly, he’s like two or three tonnes of angry cow and I’d rather not upset him. Thirdly, he’s too cute to eat. Look.” Cupping the bull’s face, Lord Husband massaged its cheeks with both hands and giggled as it visibly relaxed at his tender ministrations, its tongue dropping out of its mouth to hang loose with an audible sigh. “See? Isn’t he adorable?”

Only Yan shared Lord Husband’s opinion as she crooned and joined him in petting Moomie while Lin-Lin and Mila traded exasperated glances. Unwilling to lose (again) to the hateful half-deer, Luo-Luo gathered her courage and circled around to the behemoth’s side so that its sharp, curved horns weren’t pointed directly at her. Perhaps reading her movements as a threat, the skittish bull turned its head to face her and snorted in warning, so Luo-Luo froze in place. Sucking her teeth, Yan grabbed Luo-Luo’s wrist and forcibly guided it towards the bull’s mouth, but despite her best efforts to break free, she soon made contact with the beast’s nose. Repressing a shriek as it licked her palm, Luo-Luo reminded herself that cattle were vegetarians and Lord Husband was an experienced beast-tamer with a unique Aura to aid him.

“Yan, let her go before she soils herself.” Gruff and straightforward as always, Mila came to Luo-Luo’s rescue and she was so relieved she didn’t even quibble over the embarrassing, albeit accurate, statement. “And you,” Mila said, pinching Lord Husband’s arm, “If we can’t eat them, then what are we going to do with three-hundred head of cattle?”

“Don’t know. Don’t care.” Unyielding before his spirited beloved, Lord Husband hugged the bull’s head and said, “They’re mine now, and you can’t eat them. We can still have beef from other cows, but Moomie and his friends are off limits. This is his herd and he’ll get real angry if we hack his buddies apart for steaks.” Leaning back, Lord Husband lowered his voice to an exaggerated whisper. “Seriously, you won’t like him when he’s angry. I was gored twice trying to approach his herd and he gave me worse the first time I hopped onto his back. Luckily, he only broke my shins and didn’t flatten them, else I would’ve had to amputate both legs below the knee.”

Upon hearing this, Luo-Luo retreated three steps and positioned herself behind Mila.

“Well, thank the Mother for small miracles. You returned whole for once.” Laughing her deep, seductive laugh, Yan favoured Lord Husband with a harlot’s gaze which set his cheeks and desire aflame, no doubt Sending him obscene and lurid promises. Finished with her vulgarities, she abandoned Moomie to embrace Mila instead. “Don’t be a grouch,” Yan said, slowly dragging the indignant Mila towards the bull. “The cattle can pull wagons and free up the quins and horses. They aren’t as fast, but they’ve got plenty of strength and stamina. Hell, with some time and practice, Rain could even mount his soldiers on them.”

“Good idea.” Lord Husband lifted Tate onto Moomie and left him there, his boyish grin matching Tate’s delighted smile as the bull inspected the child. “How about it Tate? Forget war-bears. How do you like the sound of war-bulls?”

“Yea! Charge!”

Thankfully, Moomie had more sense than Tate or Lord Husband and stayed in place, dismissing the child as a threat with a shake of its head. Sighing with relief, Mila lowered her guard and patted the bull’s neck, grateful the worst hadn’t come to pass. “Fair enough,” she said, inspecting Moomie’s pearly horns with a weaponsmith's eye. “They’re the best choice of draft animal on the plains of Central and I’d love to see what they can do against the Defiled.” All the bulls in the herd had thick, pointed horns, but none were the match of their leader’s, a pair of forward facing natural armaments each as long as her arm. Wrinkling her nose, Mila added, “If only they didn’t stink so much.”

“Ah!” Displaying her bloodthirsty nature once more, Lin-Lin clapped her hands and said, “We can use them to pull the chariots ya? They were too heavy for the quins and the trained horsies were too expensive and in limited numbers, but these cow-cows should be perfect, ya?”

The thought of chariot-laden bulls certainly terrified Luo-Luo and scaling up the vehicle’s size would be simple enough. “An idea worth exploring,” she said, mentally composing the letters she’d have to write. “Luo-Luo will look into it forthwith.” Spotting Lord Husband’s surprise, she remembered her place and fell to her knees, her head lowered in fearful contrition, “Luo-Luo has been presumptuous in overstepping her bounds and requests Lord Husband punish her.”

“Relax. There’s no need to kneel or ask for punishment. Like... Ever.” Extending a hand to help her up, Lord Husband squeezed her fingers lightly, which made it worth the momentary panic. “I’m not upset, I’m just surprised at how decisive you’ve become. You’ve done incredible work with the cast iron business and I’m comfortable leaving everything in your capable hands.”

Oh dear Mother in Heaven no. “Luo-Luo will require Lord Husband’s aid in handling the beasts and other matters...”

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“Yea of course, but not today. Let’s get everyone settled in first, and I would love a bath.”

Cursing herself for overlooking something so vital, Luo-Luo scurried off to prepare one. As she left, she casually glanced over her shoulder to see if he would watch her leave, but to her disappointment, he was busy trying to balance a rabbit atop Moomie’s head. The rest of the night continued on in this fashion, with Luo-Luo an unimportant bystander as Lord Husband celebrated with his soldiers, shared sweet snuggles with Lin, gave Mila a lengthy and slightly erotic shoulder massage, cuddled his bears and wildcats like babies, rolled about the grass with Mafu and the rabbits, and bid his cattle goodnight as they laid down to rest. Then, back at the mansion, Luo-Luo was then forced to suffer through the muffled moans and shuddering gasps emanating from the wall she shared with Yan’s bedroom, an erotic torment from which there was no escape.

It was so unfair! After two, long, lonely months, Luo-Luo received no tender care and saw no passionate desire from Lord Husband, not even warranting a pat on the head like the one he gave Li-Li after handing her chain back to Mila. The cold, braided beauty looked so pleased and contented by Lord Husband’s soft touch, her eyes closed and cat-ears aflutter, Luo-Luo couldn’t help but bristle with jealousy. Who knew how this adulterous master-and-slave pair spent their evenings on the front lines, experiencing life-threatening ordeals day after day. How might it have happened? Did Li-Li seduce Lord Husband with her smoky, green eyes and long, fluttering lashes before inviting him into her bed with a seductive kiss? There, the two of them would engage in frantic, desperate coitus to affirm their love for one another, a love born from shared hardships and harmonious efforts.

Or perhaps theirs was a darker affair, one born of anguish and desperation out on the battlefield. Unable to restrain his animalistic urges, Lord Husband set upon Li-Li in her yurt one night, stripping her clothes off in a passionless frenzy before ordering her to please him. Fear and reluctance melting away beneath Lord Husband’s skilled ministrations, Li-Li would soon find herself not only a slave to her Oaths, but also a slave to her lust. Now, a simple head pat was enough to send pleasure surging through her body, but Lord Husband had developed a taste for compulsion. Freed from the shackles of morality, Lord Husband turned his lecherous sights on the alluring women beneath his command, forcing himself upon two, three, or even more women every night just to sate his prodigious appetite.

...Perhaps Luo-Luo should have gone with him to the front lines. Don’t think she didn’t see those hussies and their covetous gazes earlier at the banquet, like that indecent minx A-Gui licking her rouged lips and fanning her unbuttoned collar, or Ciro’s bawdy and indecent proposal that the retinue go swimming naked in the bay. Worst of all was Chey winking at Lord Husband while wearing a too-tight tunic and eschewing a vest to flaunt her voluminous bosom, and then tying her shirt-tails to expose her taut, seductive midriff. How dare she?

Only now, seconds before sinking into exhausted slumber, did Luo-Luo understand why Lord Husband’s soldiers were ripping her uniforms apart. Not because they didn’t like her design, but because they weren’t used to the hotter temperatures of Central...

Dawn soon arrived and Luo-Luo’s fitful sleep was once again interrupted by the sounds of Lord Husband and Yan’s passionate lovemaking. After venting her pent up anger and jealousy on her defenceless pillows, Luo-Luo slipped out of bed at this unholiest of hours, put on her make-up, styled her hair into two buns, put on her bulky, unflattering Khishig leathers, and brought her sceptre out for breakfast and morning training. Amidst bites of dumplings and sordid daydreams in which Lord Husband had his way with her, Luo-Luo saw everyone in the household off as they went about their day, aside from Lin-Lin who would remain in bed for several more hours. Mila and her Divine Blacksmith Papa headed out for a day of labouring at the forges, while Ser Charok hustled to market with his adorable children in tow. Medical Saint Taduk collected the Divine Turtle, Mama Bun, and Blackjack for a boat ride around the bay, and Li-Li brought all the quins, bears, and wildcats out to do... whatever she did during her days off. Practice, most likely. Sorya and Anrhi finished cooking breakfast for their brother and brought it over to Lord Husband’s camp, and still Yan had yet to show up for their morning practice session.

Striding in almost an hour late, Lord Husband and Yan sat down across from Luo-Luo. Lord Husband at least had the decency to look sheepish, but Yan had the audacity to preen and smirk, her wet hair and glowing cheeks giving her a vibrant, alluring look. “Sorry we’re late,” she said, rolling her eyes in an exaggerated fashion. “Someone couldn’t keep his hands to himself. First it was in bed, then in the baths, then while walking over...”

“Excuse me? As I recall, I’m not the only one to blame.” Lord Husband pulled Yan close and pressed his lips against her cheek as they fell silent and shared an exchange through Sending. Not entirely silent, as there were plenty of tongue clicks, exasperated sighs, muffled giggles, and light kisses. Her sceptre resting across her knees, Luo-Luo clenched it tight and wished she were a more accomplished Martial Warrior, if only to smack this immoral couple upside the head. What hurt the most was that if not for the half-deer’s calculating machinations and a cruel twist of fate, it would be Yan stewing in her jealousy while Luo-Luo and Lord Husband giggling and laughed...

And three times before breakfast? Three!?! Did this harlot intend to drain Lord Husband dry and leave a withered corpse for the rest of them?

“So Luo-Luo,” Lord Husband said, catching her by surprise. “Yan tells me she’s been helping you with the Forms every morning.”

“Yes Lord Husband, and Luo-Luo is deeply grateful for her assistance.” A bald-faced lie if there ever were one. It took twenty-four years but Luo-Luo finally found a subject she did not excel in. According to Yan, Luo-Luo wasn’t even passable as a Martial Warrior, a complete failure from top to bottom, which was liberating, in a way.

Mortifying in so many others, but still liberating...

“I hear things... have not been going well.” Lord Husband was kind to understate it, but Luo-Luo knew she was hopeless. “You haven’t bound your Spiritual Weapon yet either, right?”

“...No, Luo-Luo has not.” It wasn’t entirely her fault. Yan was neither patient nor courteous with her instruction, nor did she put much effort into her infrequent explanations. Mostly, she stood ready with switch in hand and gave Luo-Luo a taste of pain every time she did something Yan deemed incorrect, which was often. ‘Feel the Forms’, Yan would say, ‘let them guide you through them’. ‘Become one with the weapon and make it a part of you.’ How were banal platitudes supposed to teach Luo-Luo to fight or bind her weapon? Why couldn’t Yan simply tell Luo-Luo the correct thing to do? How to stand, where to place her feet, what to move, when to move it, were simple, basic instructions too much to ask for?

“Well, why don’t we switch things up and I help out today? Maybe a fresh perspective is what you need to get started along the Martial Path.” Giving Yan’s cheek a pinch, Lord Husband chuckled and said, “Astounding. I know Yan’s sitting here beside me, but that glare is 100% Mila. Don’t be jealous. Remember, there once was a time when I too was an ‘insufferable idiot’.” Belatedly realizing he’d spoken out of place, Lord Husband gave Luo-Luo a small shrug in apology before continuing. “Besides, it’s not like I’m sending you away to have my way with the concubine.”

...Why did he have to say it like it was such an unreasonable scenario?

Realizing he’d misspoken again, Lord Husband stuffed the last dumpling into his mouth and rose from his seat. “Well, let’s go. I need to go make sure the cattle haven’t slaughtered the remnants of my retinue, and a change of scenery might do you good. Oh right, is your zither in your room?”

“Yes Lord Husband.” Luo-Luo’s heart surged with joy as she hurried to follow. Was he finally going to ask her to play for him?

“Great. Yan, could you help her grab it while I collect the rabbits?”

Thanks to Luo-Luo’s careful planning, Lord Husband’s camp wasn’t far from their manor and they arrived without delay. The cute caravan of hopping rabbits drew many an eye, but aside from a smattering of friendly cheers and greetings, most left Lord Husband to his own devices, either too busy to bother him or understanding his need to unwind after a long tour of duty. Word arrived ahead of him that both Mitsue Hideo and Quyen Dienne had also gone on leave, meaning Lord Husband’s record of sixty consecutive days served on the front lines would remain unbroken, lending further significance to his stunning accomplishment.

Granted, knowing he’d done so involuntarily made it much less impressive, but the important thing was Lord Husband had endured and returned whole.

After finding the camp still standing in the distance and receiving a warm welcome from Moomie and a half-dozen other friendly cattle, Lord Husband turned to Luo-Luo with a supportive smile. “Alright then,” he said, settling down in the grass beside Yan while the rabbits explored and cattle grazed. “Let’s see what you can do.”

For some odd reason, Luo-Luo found his expectant gaze more terrifying than his anger. She desperately wanted to impress him, but was this even possible with her mediocre skills? Closing her eyes in abject shame, Luo-Luo hugged her sceptre to her chest and reviewed the last ten, gruelling days of lessons. Then, once she was as ready as she would ever be, she performed the first movement of Tiger Form, Stalk the Dragon. The seconds passed in agonizing sluggishness as she performed the single step, yet it felt like everything she was doing was wrong and a complete affront to the Forms. What expression would she see on Lord Husband’s face if she had the courage to look? Pity? Disgust? Hatred, even? The Forms were a Holy Ceremony passed down from time immemorial, and her poor performance might be akin to blasphemy for a Martial Warrior like Falling Rain.

It felt like an eternity had passed before she finished the first movement, and she shakily proceeded to the second, then the third, before Lord Husband finally said, “Stop.” Trembling from head to toe, Luo-Luo hung her head and opened her eyes, unwilling to look up even if her life depended on it. After a long silence, Lord Husband sighed and said, “Luo-Luo, I want you to do something for me.”

Take her own life perhaps, to apologize for her heresy. “Luo-Luo awaits your command, Lord Husband.”

“Okay. I want you to forget everything you’ve learned these past ten days and Demonstrate the Forms as you were taught earlier.”

“What?” Yan and Luo-Luo spoke at the same time, one voice brimming with anger and the other tinged with confusion.

“You think I didn’t teach her properly?” Yan asked, and inwardly Luo-Luo squealed with delight.

“Calm down. What’s gotten into you? I’m not accusing you of anything.” Blissfully unaware of the tension between his betrothed and concubine, Lord Husband kissed Yan on the cheek and said, “I think you taught her the same way you were taught, which is fine for children who know nothing. They’re blank slates learning the Forms for the first time, but Luo-Luo already knows them, right?”

“Yes Lord Husband.” Worried Yan hadn’t told him, Luo-Luo said, “However, Luo-Luo learned the Forms through dance. An amended version if you will, simplified so we only need follow the defined steps in the proper order to strengthen and revitalize our bodies.”

“That’s fine.” Lost in his memories, Lord Husband explained, “The Forms can be seen as a finite set of movements which teach you how to fight, but that’s only on the surface. They’re meant to guide you along the Martial Path, for each movement holds infinite variations, and within those infinite variations lies the true secrets to Martial strength. Where one person might see Stalk the Dragon as a singular step, another might find a pattern within and use it to develop a style of footwork. A third might see the power hidden with that initial, singular step, and transform it from a means of movement into an attack. Another good example is Mantis Form – Balance on Windy Leaf. Most Warriors see it as a dodging technique, rooting your feet in place and swaying your upper body to avoid an attack while remaining in range to counter-attack, but Grand-mentor saw it as a means to explosively boost her charging speed.” Waving his hand in dismissal, Lord Husband added, “That’s all neither here nor there. The point is, the Forms are finite, but the Martial Path is infinite, so why can’t someone learn how to fight from dancing? You wouldn’t be the first and won’t be the last. There’s no right or wrong way to perform the Forms, it all comes down to what you can perceive within them.”

Repeating Lord Husband’s last sentence to herself, Luo-Luo felt the warm embers of confidence flicker to life within her. Forget what she learned from Yan and just dance. She could do that much, and if more came of it, then good. If not, then at least Lord Husband would watch her dance, and perhaps even ask her to play him a song when they were done.

The best case scenario would be if Lord Husband decided Luo-Luo was a lost cause as a Martial Warrior and took her Spiritual Weapon away, while simultaneously being charmed by her beauty, grace, and musical abilities.

Please Mother in Heaven, make it so.

Chapter Meme