Anger spent and emotions drained, I pant and wheeze while glaring at the hateful Abbot who stands in irritating silence, his neutral expression conveying patience and understanding despite suffering through a barrage of insults and slander which even I have to admit isn’t entirely deserved. Still, there’s nothing more aggravating than unloading all your rage and frustrations on someone and getting absolutely nothing in return, and the more I look at the old, bald, bastard, the angrier I get. Who does he think he is, standing there with his palms pressed together and head bowed in silent contrition throughout the entirety of my tirade? Some sort of enlightened Holy man? How dare he accept so much verbal abuse and not even try to defend his actions? I mean, sure, he didn’t force me to drink the gourd of Water Chi, nor did he claim it would fix me, and he already admitted he’d made a mistake, but...

but...

How fucking dare he get my hopes up for nothing?

Much like dry tinder, my rage is quick to ignite, but the flames don’t last long without more substantial fuel for the fire, and it quickly becomes apparent that I don’t have a leg to stand on. “Go away.” Though spoken by my voice, I can barely make out the words which squeeze out from my hoarse throat, but for the first time since this tongue-lashing started, the Abbot finally reacts, reeling back in surprise as if physically struck. “Just... go away and leave me alone.”

“Hai... an erroneous declaration made in haste, and all credibility is lost. Eh-Mi-Tuo-Fuo.” Heaving a regretful sigh, the Abbot nods along with my request and disappears from before my eyes, robbing me even of the pleasure of seeing him slink away in defeat. Undaunted, he Sends, “This monk offers his wholehearted apology and will withdraw to meditate on his mistakes, but please Junior Brother, do not hold this one’s errors against the Brotherhood’s teachings as a whole. If you do not wish to speak with this monk, Brother Anand and Brother Jorani are still available, so I beseech you to seek them out if you should have questions which need answering, or even if you simply need someone to talk to.”

Fat chance of that ever happening, but I keep my opinion to myself. Honestly, with how hard the Abbot seems to be taking this, I feel bad about calling him all those hurtful names. How many times do I have to make the same mistake? Think, then act, dumbass.

Wrapping her slender arms around my waist, Lin slips into my embrace while taking special care not to jostle my injured shoulder. Nuzzling her cheek against my chest, her velvet-furred ears brush against my cheek and the warmth of her body seeps into my skin, stilling my trembling frame as the last dregs of rage and adrenaline finally burn themselves out. Even then, I can’t bring myself to hug her back and all I can do is clench the empty gourd tight and wish I still had the strength to crush it to a pulp, but after a futile effort, I simply toss it aside. Even seeing Ping Ping dart her head out like a snake to snap up the aerial gourd isn’t enough to put a smile on my face, and sensing my foul mood, Lin says nothing because she knows I’m all talked out and let her actions speak for her. Guiding me back to the privacy of my tent, she helps me inside, lays me down in my bedroll, and strokes my head until the empty darkness of sleep comes to claim me.

Time passes in the blink of an eye, and Lin’s still there when I open my eyes, her fingers wrapped tightly around mine while her cherubic expression is drawn tight in worry even in deep slumber. Dark though the close confines of my tent might be, I can tell that Aurie and at least three rabbits form a gulf between us, so she lays in an awkward, bent position just so we can share a single pillow and be that much closer. Bright and cheery as she usually is, even Lin has her sombre moments, though at times it feels like I’m the reason for all her bitter sorrow. If she doesn’t regret falling in love with me, then she should, because I’ve brought so little joy to her life and have never treated her as well as she deserves. I’m a failure and a lecher who brings her nothing but hardship and lusts after every other woman in sight. She’s better off without me, all the women in my life are. If I were a better person, I would find the strength to leave Lin, Mila, Yan, Luo-Luo, and even Li Song behind, along with my family and friends who care for me. I’m a burden and always have been, even before I became a cripple.

...

Oh, hey there depression! I almost didn’t see you there. It’s been a hot minute since we last met, but damn, you haven’t changed one bit.

With my left arm still too sore to move, I free my hand to rub my eyes but accidentally wake Lin in the process. Covering her mouth to hide her dainty yawn, she smiles and shifts closer to rest her forehead against mine. “Hi hubby. Feeling better?”

“Mm.” Hoping my grunt will be taken as a yes, I tap her nose and fake a scowl. “Thanks for keeping me company, but you didn’t have to. You’re gonna get a sore back sleeping like that, and you’re not even lying on a bedroll.”

Well used to my nagging, Lin scrunches her nose and playfully sticks out her tongue. “It’s all hubby’s fault for sleeping in a tent. I’d be much comfier if you had a yurt and a cot, ya?” Tilting her head in thought, she eyes my hand and adds, “Two cots, because hubby is a grabby lecher in his sleep.”

The accusation hits hard considering my earlier musings, and all I can offer is a whispered apology. “Sorry Lin. Your hubby is a horrible man.”

“Stuuuu – pid.” Never one to mince words, Lin hits me with an adorable glower and a less adorable missed headbutt which turns into a hare-ear slap. “Hubby is the best, and don’t forget it. No one’s allowed to say otherwise, not even you.” Of course, she ruins her stern demeanour by puffing her cheeks up in anger, a sight too adorable not to smile at. No woman wants to hear their man’s moping, so I simply nod and move on, but Lin isn’t ready to give it up. “I mean it hubby. You’re the best. Don’t let this setback bring you down, okay? There’s no need to worry, you’ll get better with time.”

“Problem is, I don’t have time to be weak.” Stupid as it sounds, it’s the cold, hard truth. “We wouldn’t be stuck in this shitty situation if it weren’t for my weakness. I’d still be the Number One Talent and beloved by all, instead of a crippled has-been who most would rather forget.”

“Don’t be silly hubby. You were never beloved by all.” Grinning at her joke, Lin adds, “You’re putting too much pressure on yourself, ya? Your recovery will take time, but for now, you should rely on the people around you more. Remember Rainy, you’re not alone, and even if the sky should fall, there will be others to bear it’.”

“But what if I’m the reason the sky is falling? I can’t just sit by and do nothing.”

“Hehe. Cheeky Rainy is best Rainy.” Pinching my cheek, she grins and asks, “You really think this is all your fault?”

“Isn’t it? I mean, Jixing and the Disciplinary Corps are targeting me because –”

“Because the stinky Legate pointed stupid Jixing in your direction by betrothing Luo-Luo to you. You think he didn’t account for this beforehand? He’s an Imperial Noble hubby, one in high position, which means he probably thinks ten steps ahead before wiping his butt.”

A woman after my own heart, Lin’s love of toilet humour rivals my own, though she’s usually better at hiding it. “Still, if I weren’t crippled –”

“Dumb Jixing would still find a reason to bother you. It’s not like the stinky Legate planned for you to be crippled.” Frowning, Lin falls silent for a moment, then asks, “Or did he?”

“Now who’s being silly?” Even the Legate couldn’t predict what a crazy bastard like Gen or Zhen Shi would do, right? With things being put in perspective, my situation isn’t any better, but at least I don’t feel as guilty anymore. Even then, I’m a long ways away from being happy again, which wouldn’t have been so bad a few months ago, but having been recently reminded what happiness feels like, that makes its absence all the more palpable. “Either way, this is hardly Luo-Luo’s fault. I should’ve seen something like this coming and prepared for it.”

This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there.

“Hmph. You dummy!” Glaring with adorable pique, Lin gnashes her teeth and asks, “How come you call her Luo-Luo but won’t call me Lin-Lin?”

Because Luo-Luo was a grown woman when I met her, and I’m still kinda ashamed about accidentally tricking sweet little Lin-Lin into marrying me along with four other women. Ignoring her question because I don’t have a good answer, I pretend to be lost in thought and sigh. “You know what’s weird? I was actually relieved when I came back from Sinuji crippled.” With the truth out there, I can’t stop myself from voicing my frustrations. “For the first time in memory, I had no pressing need to train or progress along the Martial Path. I love being a Martial Warrior, but I hate war and being in the public eye. After the business with the Society, everyone kept expecting more from me, first in Sanshu, then at the Grand Conference, and after that, on the front lines.”

Closing my eyes with a sigh, I reflect on those happy weeks in the Citadel when I was left to my own devices, with no obligations to uphold or expectations to fulfill. “I was so miserable and stressed on the front lines, because failure meant letting down soldiers who trusted me and their families back home. Every day, I’d have my head on a swivel watching for Defiled and Spectres, wondering when disaster would strike or worrying I might miss an important clue or overlook an ailing soldier. None of those problems went away after I was crippled, but... I dunno. There’s something liberating about being powerless. I can’t change the outcome of the war, so what I do doesn’t matter as much, you know? I could finally relax and go about at my own pace instead of frantically pushing forward for fear of getting left behind.”

Everyone calls it the Martial Path, but sometimes, it feels more like a vast ocean instead, and I’ll only be able to breathe freely after I’ve made my way to the surface.

“See, this is arrogant Rainy at his best.” Beaming with delight, Lin giggles into the pillow so as not to wake the sleeping floofs. “Hubby, crippled or otherwise, you were never strong enough to affect the overall outcome of the war.”

Fair enough, but still... “Ouch.”

Rolling her eyes, Lin shakes her head. “All you can do is try your best, and if things go wrong, then you learn from your mistakes and keep going, ya? I shouldn’t have to tell you this. Remember when you first came to the village?”

“Of course. Those were the best times of my life.”

“You cried sooooo much,” Lin declares, her eyes gleaming with glee. “Morning, noon, and night, remember?”

“...I’d really rather not.”

“You cried over everything. Remember the first time Daddy quizzed you? You bawled your eyes out because you got one question wrong.”

“Ugh...”

“And that time you spilled your tea? You wailed so loudly, I thought you burned yourself real bad, but nope. You were just sad because you couldn’t drink anymore, even though the teapot was still full.”

“In my defence, I was still in the mindset that wasted water would earn me a beating...”

“And that time Mugi popped out of the bushes to scare you? You punched him in the face and then ran away crying, even though you almost knocked him senseless.”

“...That was Mugi? I should probably apologize.... Is there a point to this humiliating trip down memory lane?”

Still giggling into the pillow, Lin’s response is muffled and sporadic. “What I’m saying is, even though you cried all the time, when you were done, you’d just wipe your tears and move on. There’s nothing wrong with crying Rainy, and nothing wrong with being weak, so long as you keep doing what you can, it’s fine to leave the rest to the people around you. That’s what life in the village is all about.”

...It’s also standard battlefield doctrine to boot. Soldiers against tribesmen, Officers against Chieftains, and Experts against Demons. Division of labour, simple as that. “I see. You’re saying I’m taking on more than I can handle.”

“No dummy.” Flicking my forehead, Lin explains, “I’m saying you should have a good cry. You never cry anymore Rainy. It’s not good. You keep all your emotions bottled up and put on a happy face, but that’s not healthy, ya? Laugh when you’re happy and cry when you’re sad instead of pretending you’re one while hiding the other. It’s so much work trying to read your mood hubby, just be honest about it, okay?”

“...This all sounds suspiciously like the advice I gave Song.”

“Then follow your own advice, dummy.” Stretching her arms with an adorable squeak, her movements finally wake Aurie and the bunnies, which sets off a chain reaction of yawns and stretches, but Lin isn’t finished. “Look at what happened today. You’ve been so mopey and frustrated these past few days, you blew up at Abby who’s really only trying to help. That’s not the Rainy I know and love, ya? I mean, he was wrong, but is that really a good reason to go off on him like that? No one knows much about shattered Cores, so you shouldn’t hate him for making an honest mistake.”

“I know... I overreacted.” Much as I hate to admit it, I totally did. “I was desperate for a solution to all my woes, I just went along with his suggestion without thinking. If I’d stopped to think about it, I could’ve mentioned that I drank Water Chi before and it had no effect, but I just... I wanted the Abbot to be right. I took a blind leap of faith and got upset when I landed on my face, when instead, it shouldn’t have come as a surprise.”

“It’s okay Rainy. He’s a monk, he’ll forgive you if you apologize. And don’t worry about wasting your Water Chi. Even if you poured all of it away, you’ll still figure this all out, and if you can’t, then just wait for Daddy to come up with a solution.” Patting my hand, Lin adds, “But maybe you should temper your expectations, ya? It took mister Pee-Shi decades to recover, so why are you in such a big rush?”

I would love to see how Broken Blade Pichai reacts to being called ‘Pee-Shi’, but he’d have to show up first, or at least reply to a letter. “It’s not like I’m rushing because I want to. I would’ve been perfectly happy recovering at my own pace back in the citadel, but the circumstances won’t allow it.”

“Then just leave, ya?” Bolting up with a smile, Lin tugs on my good hand but fails to free it from Aurie’s grasp, his arms wrapped carefully around my wrist in silent appeal for pets. “Not even the stinky Legate can stop you if you want to go. Just have mister rat-rat bring you away, or Abby, or I could talk to Daddy and he’ll –”

“Leaving won’t make all the problems go away, Lin.” Giving Aurie a kiss on the nose, I carefully sit up and look my sweet wifey in the eyes. “I’ll be safe, but what about everyone I leave behind? Even GangShu can’t bring all the Sentinels safely back North, and if I leave, they’ll be the ones to pay the price. Besides, I’d never forgive myself if I ran away and abandoned my soldiers. Dastan and the others would haunt me to my dying day.”

“Them? They’ll be fine hubby.” Rolling her eyes, she asks, “Das-Das killed a Demon, hubby. Zu-Zu is probably already pressuring the Legate to overturn the Disciplinary Corps’ judgment, because Das-Das is too talented to throw away.” Nodding with confidence, Lin declares, “Once Zu-Zu’s opinion becomes known to the public, we’ll be back in the citadel by end of the week, ya?”

It takes an embarrassingly long time to realize Lin’s talking about Nian Zu, because it’s hard to connect the Colonel General and Hero of the Northern Wall to ‘Zu-Zu’, but after thinking it through, I realize she’s probably right. Having built his career out of what other Officers view as a thankless task, Nian Zu’s word holds a lot of weight in the North, and his rank does the same for the rest of the Empire. If he says Dastan is too talented to be wasted on the front lines, the other Colonel Generals will take notice and maybe weigh in.

While the people will always revile a traitor, any commander worth his salt will understand that one can never have too many talented soldiers.

Pulling Lin into my embrace, I kiss her cheek and squeeze her tight, though I don’t dare do anything more. My tiny tent might be free of Lin’s veiled guards, but it will prove no defence against them if I should overstep my bounds. They guard Lin’s chastity more fiercely than the Emperor guards his harem, and I’m told he has a whole city set aside just to house them, one defended by women and eunuchs to keep him from getting cucked.

Seems a bit overboard, but on the other hand, what would it be like to have a harem big enough to fill a whole city?

...No. Bad Rain. Bad. Five wives is already plenty, and more than you deserve. Lin and the others already deserve better, so don’t go dreaming of making things worse.

With Lin’s help, I head out and find Alsantset waiting nearby with Song, Luo-Luo and the rest of my floofs around her while Ping Ping looms in the background. Greeting me with a hug, Alsantset looks me over with a smile and says, “I see your mood has improved, little Rain. When you feel up to it, go thank the Abbot for keeping your tirade from reaching any other ears, though I am still tempted to wash your mouth out with soap, if only on principle.”

Oof. “Sorry, sister. I shouldn’t have lost my temper, it reflects poorly on me and my upbringing.” Intending to go apologize right away, I change my plans as Alsantset moves to reheat my dinner and my belly rumbles at the sight. “I’ll find the Abbot after dinner.” Not just to apologize for my childish tantrum, but also so I can ask why he thought drinking Chi Water would be a good idea. He was wrong, but the road to success is paved with mistakes. “So... what’d I miss?”

“While you slept, I brought your consort to the training grounds to examine her progress.” Judging from Luo-Luo’s hang-dog expression, I suspect she hasn’t progressed much at all, which makes it all the more surprising when Alsantset says, “She is a passable Martial Warrior.”

Passable? Really? That’s pretty high praise considering she comes from a long line of Martial Warriors who don’t believe in positive reinforcement. I was one of the best of my generation, and the best I ever got when starting out was ‘barely passable’, which speaks volumes to Luo-Luo’s talents. Before I can ask for details, Alsantset continues, “Li Song has also made great strides, defeating Dastan, Tam Taewoong, and a number of other would-be challengers.”

Challengers? More like suitors. I bet they’re all here to try their hand at taming a ‘Bekhai Savage’, but Song is the worst target they could’ve picked aside from Mila. Seeing her cat-ears flickering with pride, I smile and say, “Impressive showing, Song. How’d you defeat Dastan?”

“By knowing when to advance and retreat.” Though stony-faced as always, Song’s enthusiasm gives her away as she explains in great detail how she beat Dastan by using his strength against him. Knowing she couldn’t match him in raw strength or overcome his fancy footwork, Song tricked him into thinking she was going to clash head-on, but pulled back at the last moment and forced him to overextend. Clever girl using his strength against him, because even if Dastan sees it coming, he can’t half-commit on an attack because Song’s attack could also be real, so he has no choice but to commit to the offensive or hunker down and stay on the defensive, which is not an ideal position for an axe-wielder.

Though I also ask Luo-Luo how her matches went, she’s less descriptive and more vague, so I quickly lose interest. She’s only had a few months of training, but considering she still flinches when Mafu rushes to her side, I doubt she’ll be any use on the battlefield even if she had another decade to prepare, which is fine. She’s no warrior, and I’ll do everything I can to keep her safe, because even though we’re not in love, she’s proven her loyalty time and time again. Maybe the Legate still has plans for her, but I’ll deal with the problems as they come. For now, I just need to take things one step at a time, which means dinner, then an apology, probably followed by a heated debate on theology.

Problem is... custom demands I present a gift alongside my apology, but what do you give to an ascetic, masochistic monk?

Chapter Meme