It’s silent here, in the Hell where I’m living. It’s silence only now when I’m sitting on this cement floor, looking in the distance at that anthill of cars that makes an infernal sound, so unpleasantly heard in my head. And it’s so cold… this roof on which I’m right now. So cold and dark even if it’s illuminated by the city lights. It’s even darker than the hell that appeared seven years ago in my soul, that day when I faced death for the first time.
***
„Where am I? Where the hell am I?” Keeps yelling in my head the voice of my mind. A voice I hear so well, but I feel powerless and incapable of answering those questions. Why? Nothing important… I just have other important things to do, such as saving my life from the maniac that follows me and whom I have no idea who he is, what he wants from me, or why I have been chosen as his victim today.
Everything started this afternoon, around 2 PM when I left prosecutor Han YuSan’s office. I remember I was mad at him because he didn’t make any progress with the investigation I asked for and, finding out about this, I felt that it was too much for me. That’s why I yelled at him as soon as he told me that he still didn’t have any suspect, „It’s my student’s case, for God’s sake!” I was still in his office when I yelled this. I was so mad that I didn’t even remember that others could hear us, that’s why I kept yelling at him, „You have no children, prosecutor Han, aren’t you?” Giving him the answer to my question soon after this, without even allowing him to open his mouth or try to justify himself, „Of course, you don’t have children because, if you had had one if you had had a daughter who’d been raped by a motherfucker, you wouldn’t have acted like that right now.”
After that, without waiting for more details, still seeing and hearing nothing from what was happening around me, I left, slamming the door behind me. While leaving, I heard only a fragment of what he told me then, „Miss Ian, wait! It’s not like you think! Ian SolHi, wait!” Yet, I didn’t wait for him. I was mad and, honestly, I left because I knew that if I had stood there for a few more moments, I would have turned myself into a murderer for sure, killing the prosecutor in charge.
Out of the Prosecution Building, I was barely breathing, feeling the blood madly running through my veins, getting to my head, and not allowing me to think normally, feeling that I was even crazier than I had ever been. Actually, it was normal for me to feel this way: outside, it was sunny and extremely hot, that kind of weather that generally forces passers-by to run away and look for shelter. Something I didn’t care about because the only thing I wanted at that moment was to leave that place, as soon as possible.
Seeing a cab not that far from the Gate, asking myself nothing about who could have called it there, I opened the door and, getting in, I told him, „Kanam, please! The street…”
It’s the last thing I remember after this. When I woke up, I understood that I was in a kind of abandoned warehouse, with a maniac above me. This silenced the voice in my head, so suddenly that I shook with all my body when I understood that I was the victim, the moment I felt a harsh pain crossing my body.
Actually, I didn’t understand right away what was going on. Only when I caught, from the corner of my eye, my butcher closing the zipper of his trousers and playing with the belt, I realized that I fell victim to a rapist.
This made me shudder again. Then… my first thought was to run. Something extremely difficult while he was too close to me. Thus, if I had done a minimal effort to stand up, I would have been caught right away. Yet, not this had been the most terrifying thing for me, but the hammer seen on the floor, a few meters away from me. It was stained with blood, on the metallic head and on the wooden handle, something that still made me understand that it wasn’t my blood, but of someone else.
Understanding this, I decided to do whatever I could to protect myself and see his face. Yet, for an unknown reason to me, it had been impossible. I don’t know if this happened because my mind pranked me, but… no matter what I tried to do to see that bastard’s face, I couldn’t.
Nevertheless, the moment he grabbed the back of the chair and dragged it onto the cement floor, I winced because the metallic legs of the chair, on that cement floor, produced an infernal sound in my head. This made me yell with all my force because I felt that sound as if it was a drill, stuck in my head, a drill whose sound made me feel as if my head was about to crack. That’s why I touched my head with both of my palms, twisting and turning on that floor, trying to reduce the pain as much as possible. Thus, with my eyes closed, I squirmed on that floor because of pain for a long time. And, I don’t know why, but I remembered then that God existed, there, somewhere. That’s why I started to pray. He didn’t help me that day. He was probably mad at me for turning my back on Him so many times before and, because of this, He wasn’t eager to listen to my prayer that day.
Thus, with my back to my attacker, lying on that cement floor, I started to shake, with all my body, thinking that I probably got to hell where its flames were devouring me at that moment. Feeling myself this way, so terrified and awful, I understood how insignificant and defenseless I was. Why? Because of that nobody, who seemed to have a perverse mind, who had nothing saint in this world if he was ready to kill someone only because there wasn’t anybody to help the victim.
At one moment, he sat down by me, on that chair. Then… total silence took over the surroundings. Later, slowly, the pain in my head weakened and I felt the necessity to take my hands off it. Even so, I didn’t turn to look into my enemy’s eyes.
I don’t know why I did that. It was probably because I was too scared or… maybe it was because I didn’t want to see him. I just kept lying on that floor, listening to his devilish breathing that was hissing behind me. Yes, that breath was definitely the devil’s breath: interrupted, hissing, and heavy, as though heard from the depths of the ground.
We probably stood like that for about 5 minutes. He made no sound and neither did I. Staying like this, we probably looked like the cat and the mouse, lurking at the perfect moment to attack. Yet, no matter how hard I tried to figure out who the cat was and who the mouse was, I couldn’t.
Five minutes later, he started to whistle a melody. It was something familiar, something that was running on the radio those days. Yet, even if that melody was something familiar, I couldn’t remember the name of the song. Then, I heard him standing up and walking up and down behind me. I don’t know why I had the feeling that he was keeping his hands at his back at that moment while walking back and forth. That’s why I raised my head a little, finally convinced to look into my enemy’s eyes and ask him why he was doing this to me. Something I couldn’t - to see his eyes, but I saw his back and… damn… he really had his hands at his back.
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Something more important than this happened soon after this - I saw the hammer. It was only two meters from me. And, if I could have grabbed it, I knew I was safe. That’s why I started to crawl to one side, trying to make less possible noise.
Yet, soon after this, I stopped, listening to his awful voice. It was something different from any other voice I’d listened to by then. A thick voice, sometimes heard as an echo that was coming from deep underground.
This made me shudder the moment I realized that it wasn’t his authentic voice, but the product of a voice modifier. Nevertheless, not this had scared me the most, but what he told me after this, „You won’t ever escape from here, baby. No matter what you do to escape. Maybe… only dead.” Then… I saw him turning toward me.
This made me shudder with all my body while the voice in my head started to yell at me again, „Do it! Now! Do it, now! Now!” And I did it: with the remaining power, I grabbed that hammer by the tail and, suddenly, I was on my feet. I didn’t wait to see his face. I just hit: with the entire force, I was capable at that moment. Thus, I could hit his forehead, making him stagger to his feet.
His roar, of an unpleasant surprise because he hadn't expected for sure that his victim would have the courage to attack him, moreover after he raped me and hurt my body, awoke me from that nightmare. Thus, I saw his terrifying eyes, those that reflected so many things: the result of his bad actions. However, looking into his eyes, I understood that I was stronger than he thought I was. Yes, I was stronger thanks to everything that happened to me in the past: a lot of shitty things that hurt my body, but never brought me to my knees, even if I never had anybody by my side, just as it happened in that abandoned warehouse while looking into his eyes.
Seeing him slowly kneeling down, I threw the hammer and ran away. The worst decision I could ever make. Yet, I understood it too late, the moment I heard his footsteps behind me - he was chasing me again.
Nevertheless, while running, I looked around, at the place where I was a captive - the second floor of an abandoned warehouse. A place I didn’t have too much time to analyze because it was absolutely necessary to get out of there. Thus, the moment I felt the fresh air of the lavender, I ran like a mad soul across the field that was surrounding the building. I was barefoot. Because of this, I felt the dried blades of lavender so well, deeply entering my flesh, injuring my feet until they started to bleed. A pain that didn’t make me stop. I just wanted to keep running, looking for the road to escape that place. I didn’t even care about the blades of lavender that were stubbing like hell. I cared more about that hissing devilish breath I heard behind me, something terrifying and deadly at the same time.
Soon after this, I got to the main road. It was so similar to a countryside road, dusty, and with many stones on which my soles were slipping while their sharp edges were cutting my skin, making me feel so much pain inside. Yet, this didn’t scare me, but the fact that I felt breathless, hearing a kind of hissing sound coming out of my throat.
„He breathes like me,” I thought eventually, a thought that started to spin in my head like a swarm of flies that were madly flying around something stinky. „Asthma! It’s because of lavender!” I finally understood the reason. And, even if I had never had problems with the scents, I realized that I had one at that moment, even though I couldn’t realize why.
This thought made me shake inside, moreover when I looked down and I saw my white dress broken, dirty, and stained with blood. Yes, I decided to wear a white dress today because I was planning to go to a party. Actually, it has been Mina’s idea, to wear something white, something that was reminding me of innocence, even though I didn’t realize why I should wear it. Yet, I understood that it had probably been Fate’s decision to wear this dress tonight: you know, that idea that an unmarried girl should wear a white dress while she’s led on the last road on earth and… I interrupted the row of my thoughts the moment I felt a sharp pain on the back of my head - the hammer hit me from behind, knocking me down.
Barely breathing, I was lying on that dusty road, looking at the sky full of stars and no moon. And, not being aware of why I did that, I smiled. Now I understand why: that’s probably because of a thought that I have had then… dying while staring at a starry night wasn’t that bad.
Eventually, I heard his footsteps approaching me and I understood that he hit me while being far from me and not that close. Yes, he hit me after throwing that hammer, which hit the back of my head in the end. Something impressive in fact - his ability to throw things, something that made me understand that I wasn’t his first victim or, maybe, he used to practice a kind of sport or something. I didn’t even care too much about this, honestly because… it was easier for me to close my eyes and let everything happen as it was planned.
Thus, I sank into a world of darkness. Not completely because my feelings were still awake, something that allowed me to feel him grabbing my wrist with his cold hand and dragging me after him as though I was a sack full of carrots or potatoes. He had that right: to treat me as he wanted for considering me a nobody, a victim whom he could hurt at his will only because he had the freedom and the possibility of doing this. Why? Well, the law of nature - the strongest kills the powerless. Thus, practically being in the middle of nowhere, in a deserted place as that abandoned warehouse was, he could do everything… He had the power to drag me back to that warehouse where I was planned to be killed eventually. Nevertheless, it was something that I stopped thinking about the moment I lost consciousness again…
***
PRESENT
Tonight reminds me of that night: with a starry sky and no moon. It’s also summer, the middle of the summer in fact. Yet, I feel so cold, despite the fact that I wear a thick parka and jeans, and I have my hood on. And, even if my sneakers warm my feet, I feel them so cold, something that makes me scratch my jeans with my not-that-long nails, an unpleasant sound that makes even my ears buzz.
In my left hand - one key support, with the keys from my home and my office. Something not common at the same time because of that miniature hammer, with red stains on it, that's hanging on the support - something to remind me of that night.
And, while staring at the hammer toy, touching its red stains, I wonder if what has happened then has been real. It has been, yes. My soul doesn’t lie to me. Neither my right-hand lies to me, which shakes badly each time I touch a weapon or something that can be used as a weapon. Actually, my right hand shakes now too, just as I feel that I shake inside. I don’t know why, but I feel that’s because the past lurks on me and that, very soon, it’ll catch up with me, it’ll grab me by the throat, leaving me breathless again, just as I left someone breathless seven years ago.
Yes, I killed someone seven years ago. At least this is what others tell me I’ve done. I don’t remember this. Only fragments: I grabbed the hammer, I hit someone’s head and saw him on the ground eventually. A person who has been found dead that night, in an abandoned warehouse, a person with a very important name to me, a name that’s haunting me until nowadays: Han YuSan.