„That night Min Ho called us to play basketball. He was nervous. We had never seen him like this. This made us attentive because none of us understood what happened to him that day. Yet, even if we were curious about that reason, none of us asked anything because… well, Min Ho isn’t the guy who explains things. Not verbally. He only shows his anger when it’s necessary and that’s all.”
„In what way does he show his anger?” Asked Kan, who was interrogating Yun Shik, one of Min Ho’s friends, along with Yoon Suk.
„Trampling others or punching everybody?” The young man replied with another question. This made Kan and Yoon Suk exchange glances. More than that, the two detectives understood that the young man in front of them was really scared. How not? He’d been arrested along with Min Ho and another friend and taken to the prosecution for investigations. Why were they also arrested? Because… the two detectives managed to find out that they were with Min Ho the night So Ra entered that car.
Even if they understood this, the two detectives found it hard to believe that a kid like So Min Ho could be so violent. Yet, understanding that Yun Shik wasn’t lying to them, they deeply breathed in, swearing in their mind because it was something they had never seen before. At least this happened to Yoon Suk, who suddenly asked, „What about your suspicions?? Yun Shik stared at him, confused. „I’m talking about the reason Min Ho was so furious.”
„What do I know?!” The young man idly replied. „I can’t say it without being wrong. At the same time, I wasn’t that eager to find it out once I was more concerned about me because Min Ho can kill someone if he’s out of his mind.”
„Does he go that far?” Yoon Suk asked, confused. „Is he really capable of killing only because he’s mad?”
Yun Shik smiled. „This hints to me that you have no idea whom you deal with, right?”
„Something like that. You instead… seem to know pretty well whom you deal with, right?” Yun Shik suddenly looked elsewhere when he caught Kan’s glance focused on him. „I see I’m right: you are terrified of what can happen to you if you get out of here and your friend finds out that you talked about that night.”
„Won’t you feel the same, Detective?”
„To feel what?”
„Terror? That you can pay with your life only for being someone’s friend?”
„At all,” Kan drily replied. „Why? Because I don’t have such friends. About you… you could have simply gone away when you found out who he was. Nobody forced you to be his friend. Actually, nobody can force anybody to be his friend, not nowadays.”
„He couldn’t go,” Yoon Suk suddenly said, making Kan attentive. Yoon Suk didn’t look at him, but at Yun Shik, to whom he said, „If you had stopped being his friend, this would have meant you are „socially dead,” am I right?” The detective’s question made Yun Shik wince and stare at him, terrified. „I was right: So Min Ho knew something about you.” Yun Shik shook his head. „If it’s not this, then what?”
„I just couldn’t leave. That’s all!”
„And this already hints to me that you and your friends are involved in something that stinks.”
„Something like that.”
„Something like what?”
„Like protecting his back?” The young man asked idly, taking the two detectives by surprise. They even stared at Yun Shik when he said, „We kept silent about Min Ho, who met Ko Cha Yoon’s friend that night. They didn’t only meet that night. He went completely crazy, turning into a real beast, thinking that Han So Ra was dating someone.”
„A beast that kicked everything down, right?”
Yun Shik looked at Kan for a while, after listening to that question. Eventually, understanding that he had no other choice than talking about what he knew, the young man nodded. „We were on the high school’s sports field when this happened. He received a phone call from Cha Yoon right before starting to play basketball. After that, he went completely crazy.”
„What did he do then? After he found out about So Ra, I mean.”
„He kicked everything he met in his way. And, if Min Ho is furious, it doesn’t matter who suffers. As I said, he’s able to kill if someone stays in his way. He was definitely a beast, as though Cha Yoon went to meet another guy and not So Ra.”
Yoon Suk and Kan exchanged glances again. After that, Kan asked, „Were Han So Ra and So Min Ho dating?” Yun Shik nodded. „This explains a lot… like the fact that he had a reason for murder.”
***
„That night, after kicking everything he could, Min Ho told us that So Ra went out to meet another guy,” DoJin, Min Ho’s second friend, told Inspector Yu, who was interrogating him along with SolHi.
„Something you already knew, right? That So Min Ho and Han So Ra were seeing each other!” SolHi asked.
„No, I didn’t know. I found out that night.”
„What about Ko Cha Yoon? Did she know that her boyfriend was cheating on her with her best friend?” Yu asked.
„Of course not. Cha Yoon is an angel for Min Ho. An angel he keeps away from his madness because she’s the only one who can save him from poverty. She’s a kind of „Aladdin's lamp” for Min Ho.”
„Aladdin's lamp?” Asked SolHi, frowning. Then, when she remembered that Cha Yoon’s parents seemed to be rich, she looked at Yu, to whom she said, „His magic carpet toward the upper class.”
„That’s right,” replied DuJin. „Ko Cha Yoon was his ticket to get rid of this miserable life he thought he was living. Han So Ra instead… was the one who helped him to relax. His prey because she suffered more than anybody else when Min Ho was mad. Even so, she never said anything. She always protected his back, allowing him to do whatever he wanted to her.”
„Do you mean that he beat her?” Yu asked.
„More than physically abusing her, Min Ho used So Ra. She was the „friend” with whom he did „things” he couldn’t do with Cha Yoon. She was the kind of „friend” Min Ho wanted to leave behind once he’d gone to college. Yet, things changed the moment So Ra realized what he was doing and they started to argue.”
„Did they also argue the night of 14th of December when you took her from in front of the club?”
„Yes, because Min Ho felt the need to reproach her for her „betrayal.”
„The one that dated two girls at the same time felt hurt for being betrayed?” Yu asked ironically. DuJin nodded. „Wonderful! What can I say?! Yet, as it isn’t the moment for any hasty conclusions, I say to tell us where they fought. From what we saw in the records… nothing hinted to us that they could have fought. The records from in front of the club, I mean.”
„And you are actually right. When So Ra approached the car, Min Ho demanded her to enter the vehicle because they had to talk.”
„Didn’t So Ra oppose his request?” SolHi asked.
„As I said, So Ra did everything he asked her to do. That’s why she entered the car without saying anything to him.”
„Ok, I can understand this, once she loved him. Yet, what about the question: where did you go after leaving the club? You definitely didn't leave her at Cha Yoon’s house.”
„We did that. After this. First, Min Ho drove to a field.”
„To a field? In mid-December?” Asked Yu, staring at the young man in front of him. „For what?
„He said that they needed to talk in private.”
„What about you?”
„We waited for them in the car. They went a little bit further. Even further than we thought they’d go. Actually, Min Ho forced So Ra to follow him, after taking her out of the car by force. He insisted that they had to talk.”
„And you just stood and watched how that idiot treated her like a nobody?”
„We were afraid, okay?!” DuJin said, shaking while staring at his feet and SolHi stared at him. „We didn’t interfere because of this… even if we were aware how that would end.”
„What made you think that it would end badly that night?”
„Because So Ra accepted to follow him. Oh, man, it was clearly what Min Ho meant by „talk in private!” and that they wouldn’t only talk, but that he would also „punish” her for going to meet another guy. Even so, So Ra followed him like an obedient puppy.”
„Maybe she just wanted to be loved, don’t you think so?”
„Yeah, we also knew that. And she found… what she looked for: on a cold field, forced to be his even if it wasn’t the first time the two… had intimacy.”
Saying this, DuJin started to shudder because, through what he confessed, he signed his sentence and assured his entrance to jail. Why? They had been accomplices to a rape, and this was a sure ticket to jail. Yet, there wasn’t a turnback, just as he couldn’t save himself from paying for what they did. Then, he looked at the two detectives, who seemed disgusted to hear his confession, something difficult to understand.
Eventually, when she’d been finally able to control herself, SolHi asked, „What about you or So Ra? Did any of you ever talk about that night?” DuJin shook his head. „Why?”
„We were afraid. All of us because, as I said, So Min Ho can be the devil if he wants this. Actually, not only once did we feel his anger on our skin. That’s why we didn’t dare to tell anyone about that night. Not even So Ra said anything. Yet, unlike us, who only silently suffered, she turned into another person after that night.”
„She changed? How exactly?” Asked SolHi.
„What do I know?! From that sweet girl, who always smiled and was kind to everybody, she turned into a ghost?!” Yu and SolHi exchanged glances. „I mean that she became a shadow: she stopped talking to others and started to attack Min Ho each time she saw him. It’s when she told Ko Cha Yoon to send him to hell. Yet, Cha Yoon, too blind because of him, preferred to end her friendship with So Ra than give up on Min Ho.”
„Something planned by Min Ho, right?” DuJin nodded. „Don’t tell me that he’s also to blame for the rumors that So Ra had an abortion?”
„We did this together after Min Ho told us that So Ra got pregnant that night, on the field. This made us fear that she could tell someone. So, as Min Ho had told us about the Chinese Neighborhood already, where they got rid of the child, we decided to scare So Ra and make her keep her mouth shut.”
„Without thinking about consequences, don’t you?” SolHi asked with her eyes bathed in tears while Yu threw the file on the desk. „You are who pushed her to the edge of a bottomless chasm, forced her to listen to others calling her trash, and accusing her of everything that happened that night.”
„We only tried to make sure we’ll be safe after this.”
„What you did is called cowardice, young man,” Yu shouted. „It means that you are trash and that those like you, who went that far and pointed a girl with your finger, accusing her of everything that happened to her when she wasn’t guilty, don’t have the right to ask for forgiveness. Not after you haven’t been capable of accepting the guilt you had.”
„We only wanted to be free,” DuJin yelled. „We wanted to live and move on. I don’t see what’s wrong with this. We aren’t guilty because Han So Ra preferred to cling to So Min Ho, even after she found out who he was.”
„She did that because she wanted to be loved, to be accepted,” SolHi shouted. „She looked for protection and friends. Instead, she found you, two idiots that helped another one to destroy her life.”
„Nobody forced her to love him,” DuJin said reproachfully.
„Just as nobody forced you to be So Min Ho’s friend. Yet, you did that. You covered each cruel thing he did, and you helped him to push a girl to jump off the school’s roof, and this is a sure ticket to jail. Not for complicity, but for being those who planned every crime: rape, extortion, forced abortion, and so many others. What can I tell you, young man?! You won the lottery! What did you win? Enough years behind bars, in the Center of Detention for juvenile criminals. Thus, you’ll pay for everything you did. I won’t let you escape this, I assure you because you are as guilty as So Min Ho is. Why? Because you were aware of the consequences that your decisions would bring. Even so, you did this, and this deserves a punishment, son!”
Barely controlling his anger, Yu stared at DuJin for a long time, who finally burst into tears. The young man was shaking with all his body at that moment. He finally understood how wrong he had been for believing in his friend. Yet, nobody cared about his remorse. At least not Yu and SolHi: they hoped to bring justice to So Ra and make each of her enemies pay for making her jump off the roof eventually.
***
Pretty confident that he wouldn’t be punished, So Min Ho kept staring at DooSan. While doing this, the young man kept weirdly grinning because DooSan’s silence gave him a certain confidence. What he didn’t know was that DooSan didn’t keep silent because he didn’t know what to do or because he didn’t have anything against him, but because he was waiting to see remorse in the young man’s eyes. Yet, seeing that hours had already passed since Min Ho had been brought to the Prosecution and that they had found out from him nothing in this time frame and this was so because Min Ho kept silent, DooSan sighed.
Hearing DooSan sighing, Min Ho grinned again. He was confident in himself and sure that Cha Yoon’s father would take him out of there because he sent her a message already, asking her to help him get out of there. That’s why, the young man was slowly whistling while tapping with his fingers on the table, hoping to drive DooSan crazy and have an advantage and be taken out of there for abuse.
Yet, what Min Ho didn’t consider was that DooSan wasn’t stupid. At the same time, it wasn’t the first time DooSan had to deal with a criminal like So Min Ho. Thus, aware of his advantage, when he considered that he had waited enough and the young man’s lawyer didn’t appear, he told Min Ho, „At least tell me if you felt pleasure while doing what you did.”
„While I did what? I don’t understand what the hell you are talking about, prosecutor. I’m cleaner than the Virgin Waters. Something I’ll prove once my lawyer is here.”
„Really?!” Said DooSan ironically. „Will your lawyer really come? If yes, which one?”
„The one I’ve called?”
„Aaa, the one you’ve called, but who hasn’t appeared?! Eh, this hints to me he won’t come, So Min Ho, and that you are on your own.”
„I doubt, okay?! Why? Because I know how much Cha Yoon loves me. She’ll do everything to take me out of here.”
„She would have done this if she hadn’t found out what class of bastard you are,” DooSan confidently replied. After that, he put some photos of So Ra in front of the young man. Photos of her body, something that made Min Ho frown at first, then look elsewhere when his hands started to shake. Seeing Min Ho looking elsewhere, DooSan triumphantly smiled. That’s why he told the young man with a certain irony in his voice, „I don’t really understand why you are shaking if you did nothing.”
„Wouldn't you have done the same if you had seen photos of a dead body?!” Min Ho gnashed his teeth.
This made DooSan strangely smile. He felt disgusted while looking at the young man’s face, who did everything to avoid looking at the face of the girl whom he swore to „love forever.” A girl that gave up on her life because of him. Yet, not even so, she managed to make him feel remorse for what he did. Instead of remorse and guilt for her death, Min Ho felt disgusted to look at her body. „Even if she jumped off the roof to prove to you that she loved you. Yes, that girl loved you, even if you and life disappointed her so many times when you swore to love her. Bastard, you don’t even dare to look at her even if she died because of you.”
„I don’t understand why I should do that once I haven’t been the one who pushed her. She jumped off that roof alone, and you know this very well.”
„Maybe she jumped alone. Yet, she jumped because you pushed her from behind. How? Turning her into the school’s „ghost” and this because you wanted to hide that you raped her.” Min Ho swallowed hard, suddenly looking elsewhere. „I see you know what I am talking about.”
„Hell no! I have no idea what you are talking about.”
„I think you know. Yet, I don’t understand the reason why you deny this. Or… have you done this only for fun?”
Min Ho looked with hatred at DooSan. Then, turning the photos upside down, so as not to see So Ra’s body anymore, he hissed through his teeth, „I only defended myself of that bi…ch, who deserved what she suffered.”
The young man’s answer overwhelmed DooSan. The prosecutor felt disgusted to see how the idiot in front of him talked about a good girl, who sacrificed herself so as to protect him when she could have simply denounced him and made him pay for what he did. Understanding this, DooSan suddenly hit the desk with his fist, yelling at Min Ho, „If I were you, I would have kept my mouth shut!”
„Why? Because you don’t want to hear the truth?”
„No. It’s because you are such an idiot that dares to insult the girl who loved you when you were the one who forced her to jump off the roof, killing two innocent souls that day.”
„I killed her? I? Don’t be stupid, Prosecutor Han: I never killed anyone.”
„Of course, you killed and you know whom: Han So Ra and her child when you forced her to get rid of him. This turns you into a criminal.”
„Hell no! Why? Because that child was mine too. I had the right to decide if he would be born or not.”
DooSan hit the desk with his fist again. „You had the right?” He hissed through his teeth. „You had no right, moron. Why? Because, as long as you forced her to be yours the night she got pregnant, you had no right to make her get rid of the child. Yet… maybe it’s the best, for the child, I mean because… having such a father like you, trash, who doesn’t deserve to be called father, he would have had a miserable life for sure. Something that doesn’t matter anymore. What matters is what will happen to you for what you have done: I will take care of this, to spend your entire life behind bars.”
The anger from DooSan’s soul was limitless at that moment. He wished with all his heart to kill the idiot in front of him for what he did. Yet, once he knew that staining his hands with the blood of someone like So Min Ho would have been useless and would have been an easy punishment for him, DooSan decided to send him behind bars, where others would have taken care to make him painfully pay for killing two souls.
Deciding this, DooSan stood up, intending to go. Yet, he couldn’t take any step away from the table when he heard Min Ho yelling like a mad beast that escaped from its cage. This made DooSan stare at Min Ho from the corner of his eyes, not understanding how that one dared to yell like that when he should have been submissive and feel remorse for what he did. Looking at him, he saw no remorse in Min Ho’s eyes for what he did to So Ra. What DooSan saw in the young man’s eyes was anger because Min Ho felt wronged for being accused of murder. Min Ho even dared to throw the chair that passed by DooSan, hitting the wall eventually, and yelled after this, „Behind bars? Punishment? Don’t be an idiot, Prosecutor Han: no one goes to jail for spending a night with a girl. More than that, there is no rape when we both agreed to have sex that night.”
„If both of you had been underage and adults, it wouldn’t have been rape. Yet, as I’m sure already that Han So Ra was forced to spend the night with you, I can accuse you of rape. Do you know why I am so sure? Because your friends confessed.”
„They confessed? Those idiots accused me of forcing So Ra to be with me?”
„Yeah! And not only this I found out from them: they also told me that you aren’t underage and that you just repeated the year for being stupid and lazy and not wanting to learn, that’s why you didn’t pass the exams. Thus, as you aren’t underage anymore, you go straight to jail, my friend. More than that, being an adult, who forced an underage girl to have sex with him, means going to jail, yes or yes.”
Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.
Min Ho suddenly burst into laughter, taking DooSan by surprise. „Do you really think so?” He told DooSan through bursts of laughter. „That I don’t have evidence that I haven’t forced So Ra to be with me that night? If you think so, you are damn stupid.”
It was DooSan’s turn to smile, which made Min Ho nervous. Min Ho even squeezed his fists when he heard DooSan saying, „The stupid one between us is you, So Min Ho. Why? Because, unlike you, who boasts of having „evidence” of So Ra’s love for you, but you still don't know where to find them, we have them. What evidence? The notebook.”
„That notebook where So Ra wrote everything about our love. All I need to go out of here is in that notebook. Why? Because each of our dates is there. This doesn’t relate me to her death.”
„If you think so… then you are really stupid because nothing of this is written in that notebook. If you don’t believe me, you can take a look!”
Throwing the notebook, which had a black leather cover, in front of the young man, DooSan smiled. He simply enjoyed seeing Min Ho looking through that notebook while his hands were badly shaking. More than that, when he heard Min Ho yelling, „It can’t be!” DooSan burst into laughter. „So Ra couldn’t have betrayed me like that. I clearly remember what she wrote in her notebook. I saw all that she wrote there.”
„Maybe you are right and So Ra wrote about your love, before that. In that notebook, which we found burnt in her room, something that hinted to us that she knew already that you would betray her. Thus, not being eager to allow you to live happily when she suffered so much, So Ra simply got rid of it and of the evidence.”
„This is obstruction of justice,” Min Ho stuttered, grabbing with both hands the notebook DooSan intended to take from in front of him. „If she did that, you must release me immediately because… it’s clear that she framed me!”
Slowly bending over the table and tightly holding the notebook, DooSan managed to take it from Min Ho’s hands. Then, staring into Min Ho’s eyes, who shook with all his body because of anger, DooSan told him, „I won’t bet on that, So Min Ho: to be released by accusing the dead one of framing you. Why? Because what she wrote in that notebook is part of your past. You aren’t judged for that but for the present, for what you have done to her recently. So Ra wrote everything in this notebook: page by page, she described you as being the worst of the bastards she had ever met. She also wrote here about other things you forced her to do and not only about that night and the abortion. „Evidence” that sentences you to a whole life in jail, just as she wanted.”
„I only wanted to scare her,” Min So suddenly said, shedding tears. „Yet, the stupid one chose to jump off that damn roof. Why should I pay for this then?”
„Because you are the one who led her footsteps to the edge of that roof. All you did to her made her take that decision and this makes you a criminal, So Min Ho. You are trash, one who doesn’t deserve to live among humans.” Saying this, DooSan turned his back to Min Ho and exited the Interrogatory Room, leaving So Min Ho sobbing. It looked as though So Min Ho started to regret what he did to So Ra. Yet, DooSan didn’t care about this or about the tears the young man shed. All that mattered to DooSan was that he did justice to Han So Ra.
***
Two days after So Min Ho accepted his guilt for So Ra’s death, SolHi decided to show the teenager’s colleagues how mistaken they had been for accusing her without evidence. For this, SolHi appeared in their classroom one morning and started to read them the letter So Ra wrote right before her death:
„Yes, I’ve made mistakes, I accept that!” So Ra started that letter. „Nevertheless, I’m not the only one who’s been wrong. I’m not the only one who has made mistakes because… each teenager and human makes them at least once in his life. Why? Because of ignorance, stupidity, or simply because nobody has been there for them to show them what it’s okay to do in life.”
Reading this, SolHi stopped for a few seconds and carefully looked at the teenagers’faces, who listened to those words in silence. She saw nothing reflected on their faces or in their eyes though. Only Cha Yoon was slowly crying because she understood how wrong she was for not listening to So Ra’s words and for accusing her friend of betrayal. Crying was everything Cha Yoon could do at that moment once there was nothing that could be changed after So Ra’s death.
SolHi also knew that. Yet, she decided to continue reading that story. She was determined to finish reading it at any cost because she hoped that at least one teenager would feel guilty for what they did to So Ra and would change his life. For this, SolHi continued reading the letter, „I’m also not the only one who suffered after making some choices. I’m not the only one who had been wrong or the only one whose friends turned their back on her or judged her for the choices she made. Even so, I never judged any of you because I understood that it was easier for you to do this: to see my mistakes but not yours. It was easier for you to blame and judge me than accept that you also suffer, it was easier to trample others than being those whom others trample, turning yourselves into beasts… for pleasure.
Your words hurt me so much. It hurt me to be considered a nobody by you. Yet, it hadn’t been the worst thing you did to me and not this hurt me the most. What hurt me so much was to realize that I knew nothing about life. You are so alike: you also want to stop being children and make your own decisions, without knowing that it’s better to be kids and live happily than struggle against the whole world. Why is it easier for us to be children than adults? Because… It's simpler this way: we have time for ourselves, we don’t fear tomorrow, and we don’t remember yesterday's nightmare.
Not the same happens to the adults: they see that nightmare every day. They see it in the eyes of each person who passes by them, they hear it in the words of those they have trusted once, in the words of those who easily call someone „trash” or „easy girl.” I even heard „bi…ch” addressed to me once. For what? Because I loved someone, you called me like this. You didn’t care if it was true or not, you simply didn’t want to find out the truth. All that you wanted was to turn someone into a patsy: someone to pay for your failures and delusions, me.
You are probably wondering now who I loved. If I really loved someone, you would probably ask each other. Yes, I loved - with my soul, with my heart, with remorse. I fell in love with him while looking to escape the hell I lived at home. I trusted him because I wanted someone by my side, someone to tell me that tomorrow the sun would shine again. Instead… I received only pain and slaps over my face, I was insulted and made feel worse than ever. I felt remorse while thinking that I was in love when I simply lied to myself that love knocked on my door.
Revenge… it’s what most of you think now: that I wrote these lines, trying to take revenge on him and not to tell the world my story. No, you are wrong: I don’t write these lines looking for revenge. I just try to tell the world through what I have been through. I… just want to explain to all of you that love hurts. At the same time, I wanted you to know that talking bad about someone hurts, it hurts like hell not understanding that person when all he wants is your support.
None of you cared about this, however. You didn’t care about love or suffering. All that you cared about was to see me crawling at your feet, to feel humiliated while you called me „nobody” or „trash.” You felt good seeing my tears and that I suffered. But… Did my tears make you feel really better? Have you received a reward for seeing a poor soul trampled under your feet? A soul meant to suffer instead of being loved, a soul that hoped you’d love too, a soul that wanted to live too. Yet, I couldn’t… I didn’t know what it meant to live freely because others blamed me for mistakes that had nothing to do with me. Understanding this, I chose silence, I betrayed friends, hid the truth, and lied to myself that it would be better for me to do this.
Some of you probably wonder now what kind of truth?! A truth that’s the equal of disappointment because love has died a long time ago. A truth that equals remorse because I am really sorry for not loving myself first. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell others that I was first in his life. Yes, I’ve been the first girl in his life, then Cha Yoon appeared next to him. Yet, even though I knew this, I kept silent, I overlooked this, thinking that he’d see me again soon. I was so wrong in thinking so because he didn’t love me but used me. I’ve been used… by him, by you, by those who betrayed me and insulted me, those who considered me the one to be blamed because I kept silent… that’s all.
And… eh, how much I loved him at first. I thought that I embraced happiness then and that I was destined to be fulfilled. Instead, I was wrong then because… the moment Cha Yoon met him and told me she loved him, I had to give up on my happiness because I cared about her. I said nothing not because he told me to do that. I would have said nothing even if he had told me to do this. Why? Because I loved: not him, no, because Min Ho really didn’t deserve this. I did that for Cha Yoon, the only one I really cared about despite the fact that she accused me of being evil and that I craved her happiness when I did what I did because I wanted her to be happy.
I’ve been stupid in fact. Why? Because my friend, the one I sacrificed myself for, didn’t believe in me. Or maybe I’ve been stupid for not leaving everything behind then? I’m not sure, honestly! I just didn’t want anybody to suffer, not even me. I tried to defend her by telling her how much that love could hurt her. She didn’t believe me, and this life slapped me once again at that moment: this cruel life took my happiness, my silence, and my best friend when I decided to talk. Even so, I don’t want Cha Yoon to suffer. I prefer to be the only one who knows that this life gives someone more thorns than roses, that this life surrounds one with shadow and does not give him love because… love doesn’t exist!”
Reading this fragment, SolHi kept silent again. She saw sadness in the eyes of the teenagers, but still only Cha Yoon was crying. SolHi didn’t feel sorrow for seeing those tears… What hurt her more were So Ra’s words that she read in that letter. Words that reminded her about her pain, about the people that threw stones toward her, calling her devil, and not because she loved someone as it happened to So Ra, but because she still breathed.
Deeply breathed in, to release her soul of pain, SolHi kept reading that letter because… „It hurts…” So Ra wrote after that. „It damn hurts, like a hot iron that pierced your heart, leaving a deep hole in it. Even so… it is so cold inside me, as cold as the roof is, this roof on which I am right now, alone, aware that nobody will climb here to save me.
There’s nobody here, I know this… I feel this because all of you left me alone. Why? Simply because you didn’t want to see the suffering and the hole in my soul. A hole I haven’t been able to fill with anything after this life took my priceless gift from me… my child. Something I understood too late… when he was gone and I couldn’t change anything. All I could do after this was to feel the cold blow of air all the time.
And it hurts again: his memory, the memory of that child… whom I’m the only one who remembers, the one who has a name only in my head, but who will stop existing the moment I will be gone too. Justice will be done after this… I hope… the moment I won’t be alive anymore. Maybe… People will find their happiness and peace again, I think because… they won’t feel sorrow for me or for that patsy who I’ve been, they will forget about me when I’m gone. Or… are all these false hopes?! I’m not sure of this. I won’t ever be. Even so, I feel that it’ll hurt less after death.
If someone remembers me when I’m gone, I hope he’ll never cry for me. I really don’t want that person to shed tears for me. All I want is someone to hold me in his arms… you, Cha Yoon, the only one I say „I’m sorry.” You are the only one who deserved to hear these words from me. After that… I’m gone forever. I’ll go as far as possible from here, to a place where nobody knows me and where I can start over again, dreaming about happiness. But…
…do these words serve their purpose? Those that I write on this white sheet of paper. Probably not. They don’t serve for anything because… even if someone reads them one day, he won’t understand their real meaning and I won’t be here to explain them. Yet, I think it would be better this way… not to be here when you read this letter because I don’t want to see the „compassion” in your eyes, the fake compassion when I know how much you enjoyed my suffering before.
And… Cha Yoon, I’m really sorry you have had such a friend like me. An evil friend, who kept silent about everything and who has left without saying „goodbye” to you, but still someone who loved you so much. I don’t want to explain myself, but… I want to do this: I said nothing because I didn’t want you to suffer. I thought that if I suffered in silence, it’d be enough for both of us. I was wrong instead because… I wasn't strong enough to hold this all, just as I wasn't capable of moving further without hurting you. I also feel sorry for not being capable of saving you from him.
I only hope you will realize who So Min Ho is before it is too late. I hope you won’t ever be like me. And… if you pass through everything I have passed, please: don’t do what I’ve done! Don’t keep silent about your suffering! Tell others about what you feel, ask for help, and move on! You deserve to be happy, Cha Yoon. You really deserve to live and have a future. For this, just leave behind all the bad memories about this bad friend I’ve been for you!
In parting… I wish I had told you I’m sorry, Cha Yoon. I’m really sorry for not trusting you enough and for not having told you about what I went through. My bad. I understood this when it was too late and I couldn’t turn back time. That’s why, Cha Yoon, if you remember me someday, please… smile! That's all I ask you to do! I’ve been next to you for this - to make you happy and show you that I love you for who you are. That’s why, leaving this world without seeing your face and your kind eyes, shreds me inside, and… I’m really sorry for this,
Yours, Han So Ra, forever!”
***
A FEW MOMENTS BEFORE SO RA’S DEATH
Folding the paper that kept her last thoughts, So Ra painfully sighed. Looking in the distance, through the thick cloth of tears that shadowed the view, she saw the horizon painted in red by the sunset sun. A beautiful sun that powerfully illuminated and warmed the surroundings. Watching it, So Ra smiled and wiped her tears, putting inside her backpack the things she had next to her.
After placing the backpack next to the edge of the roof, So Ra stood up. Then she sighed once again because she felt that wasn’t fair for her. It wasn’t fair for none of those involved in that story. Yet, she also felt that she had to do that. And, to make sure her letter would be found someday, she took it out of her backpack and placed it under a stone that she found on the roof, leaving the backpack in the same place she put it before. After that, sighing again, she climbed on the edge of the roof and looked in the distance again.
There wasn’t anything special on that roof. It was a usual roof, like any other: painted green, with shriveled paint in places, and so many old things forgotten there. A place others completely forgot, but which So Ra loved because only there did she find peace each time others practically trampled her.
„It’s so beautiful! So beautiful!” She suddenly said. „The sunset looks so beautiful that I want to live. However, this life… this dog life… won’t ever allow me to happily live, even though I don’t understand why. And not only I wasn’t ever happy, but nobody had ever treated me like a human being. At least this hasn’t happened lately. Because of this, I looked for love there where life sowed only thorns. Yet, I ignored this warning and threw myself into the madness of this blind love, one that brought me here eventually… forgotten by friends, by my family, and even by the one I loved that much. Ah, I want so badly to live, Life! Is this a bad thing? That I want to love and to live? No, it isn’t, but even so, you won’t ever allow me to feel all this!”
Sighing again, inconsolable, So Ra looked down. There wasn’t anybody in the backyard. Yes, there wasn’t anybody there to see her on the roof as So Ra hoped. This made her think that Life laughed at her and spurred her to madness through each minor detail seen by the girl. A madness So Ra allowed herself eventually by stretching her arms to the side, closing her eyes, and fully enjoying that warm sun seen on the horizon. A pleasant warmth, „The one before the eternal coldness,” as So Ra murmured right before to jump.
***
The touching letter So Ra wrote before death finally convinced Cha Yoon that she had been wrong in judging her friend. Because of this, she decided to visit her best friend’s grave. Not alone she came there that day, but along with SolHi, whom she asked to accompany her.
Arriving at the grave, Cha Yoon put a bouquet of white flowers on the fresh grave. Then, she asked SolHi, „Detective Ian, if So Ra had told others about her suffering, would things have been different now?”
„Honestly, I don’t know, Cha Yoon. I really don’t know the answer to this question. I can only suppose that it would have been better for all of you if she had said something. At least… she wouldn’t have died with so much pain inside.”
„Something that makes me feel guilty for her death. As everyone who treated her badly should feel right now. At least… what happened to So Ra should make us think twice about what we say or do because… words can really kill.”
Such words made SolHi sadly smile. She knew that Cha Yoon was right, but she didn’t have the power to tell the girl that she had passed through something similar in the past. Even so, she had chosen life and not death, even though she had felt the need to do the same thing as So Ra so many times before. Only in the end, when she felt confident, SolHi said, „Actually, Cha Yoon, I don’t think that’s someone in particular’s guilt. I mean you or the colleagues that talked bad about her. Or… maybe it is the guilt of all of us?! This is something that only God can judge. And HE’ll do this when the time comes. At the same time, I think that So Ra can be blamed too because… if she had talked to someone before climbing on the roof, maybe she wouldn’t have done what she did. Yet, as you said, it’s time to learn from your mistakes and move on.”
„Even though this will always be painful for us? Even though So Ra doesn’t have the chance to move on?”
„Yes, Cha Yoon: even if So Ra doesn’t have a chance to change things, you have it. Yes, you have that chance, which she gave up on alone.”
Saying this, SolHi simply turned her back to Cha Yoon and went away. She didn’t look back even for a second. She did that because she also felt guilty for her child, just as So Ra felt before death. Yet, unlike So Ra, who didn’t fight to make justice for her baby, SolHi didn’t give up on the idea… of punishing all those who hurt her and her baby. SolHi was determined to do that even if she had burnt in hell’s flames eventually, even though she felt powerless at that moment. All that mattered to her was revenge and she decided to do that at any cost.
***
„Detective Ian, are you with us?” SolHi finally heard A Rim’s voice, calling her name. Looking at her colleague, with empty eyes, with a lost glance, she smiled because she understood nothing of what A Rim told her after that.
Only when she remembered that they were at dinner, the entire team, did she understand what that case did to her: turned her upside down, leaving her empty inside, an emptiness that filled quickly with remorse and agony. Understanding this, SolHi wanted to go home. Yet, she couldn’t go because she couldn’t leave that place without giving some explanation or until the others also hadn't left.
Unlike her, who wanted so badly to be alone, her colleagues seemed not to rush to go home. At the same time, it seemed that they hadn’t suffered in the past and that their destiny hadn’t ever been a nightmare as it happened to SolHi many times before. And… also unlike them, SolHi remembered everything: each nightmare she lived, each case they investigated, and each story she found out with those cases, stories she lived as though they would have been hers. And, even though SolHi knew that this was wrong, living like that, she couldn’t do anything to avoid acting like this each time she investigated a new case.
That time, when she spotted everybody watching her, SolHi whispered barely heard, „Sombe, can you pour more whisky into my glass?”
Hearing her request, Kan said nothing. He only filled the glass and gnashed his teeth, understanding how much SolHi suffered at that moment and this was so because he was the only one who knew that SolHi lived each case as if it was her personal tragedy. He knew this but said nothing. Kan never talked about this even with SolHi, thinking that he’d get rid of that vice alone, one that she got after entering the police.
After pouring whisky into her glass, Kan carefully looked at SolHi, who emptied it from one sip. After that, forcing a smile, SolHi looked at her colleagues, who continued their cheerful conversation without caring about her. Yet, she was wrong in thinking that none of her colleagues cared about her. There was DooSan, who didn’t lose sight of her. He, sitting right in front of her, looked at her on the sly, considering her behavior weird. Yes, it was strange for him that „the monster who had turned his life upside down seven years ago knew what suffering meant.” He clearly saw this while watching SolHi. DooSan realized that she suffered so much and this made him wonder, „Does she really feel this? Does she really feel sorrow? For what? Why?”
There wasn’t anybody who could have answered DooSan’s questions. At the same time, he couldn’t ask anybody about his preoccupation. He could only torment himself, pouring more alcohol into SolHi’s glass after he filled his glass first. Then, he emptied glass after glass, just as SolHi did without worrying that the whisky was too strong. And, so suddenly that he shuddered when he realized this, DooSan understood that what he wanted was to see her smiling and not suffering as he saw her suffering at that moment.
SolHi didn’t pay attention to DooSan. She even seemed not to have noticed that DooSan started to pour whisky into her glass and not Kan. Thus, absent, she suddenly touched DooSan’s hand when she wanted to take the glass. Because of that touch, she raised her glance and looked straight into his eyes. She said nothing after this and neither did he. They simply looked into each other’s eyes, in silence, for a long time, asking each other questions about how much truth and what percentage of what they lived was a lie in fact.
They had to leave those thoughts for later when they heard Kan’s question, „Are you filming a romance film or something?” Words that made everybody wince and look at them, stunned.
Kan’s question was the signal for DooSan and SolHi, who withdrew their hands and, emptying their glasses, they looked elsewhere. Then, understanding that it was necessary to say at least something to chase away that weird feeling between them, SolHi murmured, „Love scene with two enemies, sombe? Yeah, sure! You definitely see romance where there is none. And… stop drinking, of course, because you started to see things that aren’t real.”
„Do you think so? That I have visions? Of course not, SolHi: I’m damn aware that I’m not wrong and that you two…” Kan suddenly kept silent when he spotted the others’glance focused on them. This made him understand that he talked more than he should have talked. That’s why he changed the subject by saying, „Let’s drink now! We’ll talk about other things later and… Ya, Oh Yoon Suk, as to bring us more drinks!”
SolHi made a wry face, hearing Kan talking like that. She felt unimportant and misunderstood. Because of this, she suddenly said, „Why not talk about love, sombe? This is something we should talk about right now.”
„Love?” DooSan asked, sketching a mocking smile. „I don’t think we should talk about something that doesn’t exist. At least… there isn’t love between us, two enemies that only want to kill each other.” Then, even though everybody stared in amazement at him, DooSan looked at none of them, emptying his glass. He didn’t even care about SolHi’s killing glance.
DooSan winced eventually when he heard A Rim saying, „Actually, prosecutor Han, the love between two enemies is more intense than between two simple lovers. Especially in times of war. That’s why I think that’s not worth talking about love.”
„What about Han So Ra, A Rim?” SolHi asked. „Her love killed her.”
„I agree with you here: love isn’t romance, but tragedy,” DooSan hissed through his teeth. „That’s why, love between enemies doesn’t exist.”
„Are you talking from your own experience, prosecutor Han?” Insisted A Rim. „I speak about that hot kiss that happened between two… enemies?! Not long ago?!” DooSan and SolHi stared at her with the eyes of a hungry eagle. A Rim smiled. „If you react like this, it means you know which kiss I’m talking about: one that hints to me that there is love between enemies. Even so, you two want to make others think that’s not. Yet, I must accept that it’s more exciting this way. And, actually, this convinces me that it's worthy to talk about love… the love of two enemies and not of a teenager, which actually tragically ended. Don’t you also think so?”
SolHi smiled. „Should we talk about that kiss? I don’t think so because… there hasn’t been anything special about it. It was a kiss like any other. A kiss that every single person experiences at least once in his life.”
SolHi’s words hurt DooSan’s heart a lot. Even though he didn’t want to accept this, that kiss had been special for him. That’s why he felt torn apart inside. And, as though the snake of revenge sneaked inside him, DooSan drank the whisky he had in his glass from one sip. After that, he said, hissing the words through his teeth. „There had definitely been a kiss that’s not worthy to remember. A kiss that didn’t make me feel pleasure, A Rim. Just a kiss… that I was forced to experience, but which I don’t intend to ever repeat… not even if my life depends on this.”
Saying this, DooSan stared at SolHi. Seeing her confused, something he expected, DooSan smiled. He felt so well taking revenge on her for disrespecting their kiss. Yes, DooSan took revenge for her words because his pride didn’t allow him to accept that he wished for that kiss, that he dreamt about that hot kiss, after which he would have liked to end up in bed, together. Even so, he stubbornly insisted on hurting her… over and over again.
He even saw tears in SolHi’s eyes. Yet, this didn’t make him feel remorse for what he said because… it meant accepting that he failed in enjoying his little triumph between them… two enemies that could turn into lovers at any time. They loved with the thought and lurking on each other with their heart, even though they denied the fact that loved each other.
Eventually, when A Rim asked him, „Don’t you think you have been cruel now?” DooSan nervously moved in his chair. He said nothing: he only filled his glass. This didn’t make A Rim keep silent. She, looking at SolHi, who stared at her empty glass and seemed to be about to burst into tears, said, „I think it’s cruel to talk like that because… maybe it has been only in the line of duty, but… to say that it was an undesirable kiss, a mistake, it seems to be a thing of bastards.”
„A Rim, if you don’t know the story behind his words, I suggest you keep silent!”
„Why?” A Rim asked, even though Kan shouted that it was time to end that nonsense quarrel, which would have only spoiled their good mood. „Because this hurts your ego, Prosecutor Han? Or… was it because SolHi first denied that she felt something while kissing you?”
„No,” SolHi calmly replied, looking at DooSan whose blood was boiling because of hatred. „That kiss didn’t mean anything for any of us because prosecutor Han is right: where hatred is, there can’t be love.”
„Hatred? I don’t see why because… as far as I know… nobody died because of you.”
„Of course, someone died, A Rim: his brother died because of me. That’s why Han DooSan hates me and wants me dead.” A Rim stared at her with wide-open eyes while the others looked at the ground. Only DooSan pierced SolHi with his killing glance, hinting to her to keep silent. SolHi, stubborn, decided not to follow his advice, but said, „Actually, I’ve been judged for Han YuSan’s death. I’m still the main suspect in that case. This gives Han DooSan the right to hate me and to want me dead until the end of his life.”
After such words, SolHi poured more whisky into her glass, which she emptied right away. Then… she simply walked away. SolHi didn’t look back even for a second, even though she felt that the others looked behind her for a long time. She simply went away the moment she felt the pain squirming in her soul because… she lied to everybody when she said that her kiss with DooSan meant nothing to her. On the contrary: that kiss was everything to her. She felt that kiss as she had never felt another one in her life. No, she was lying to herself at that moment: she felt a similar kiss once - when she spent a night with a stranger, a night that she would have liked to repeat with DooSan. Yet, once Fate didn’t want this, she had to accept it - that it wasn’t meant for them to be lovers… Only enemies… forever…