„My name. What’s my name? I can’t remember and it’s so dark here, especially when I look around. And it’s cold. So cold it’s here. And I also feel the smell of mold, which makes me think I felt it before, even if I can’t remember when or why.
Feeling all this, I understand that this makes me sick. I want to vomit and, because of this, I touch my stomach over and over again. A touch that doesn’t help me to chase the pain away. A pain that feels harsher with each second that passes. It feels as though a thorny wire wraps itself around my stomach and squeezes it.”
SolHi thought all this while climbing those stairs to the second floor of the abandoned warehouse. A place surrounded by darkness, which became thicker and thicker with each step climbed. Yet, this seemed not to bother her. At least this was what SolHi thought at first. A thought that changed right away she got to the second floor of that abandoned warehouse when her survival instinct awakened again. This gave her a feeling of fear, something that started to squirm her inside when a thought crossed her mind, „What can I find on the second floor? Death?” Even so, even if she had such thoughts and she was scared if not terrified, SolHi kept climbing those stairs as though something was pulling her there, to a place surrounded by danger and darkness, a place she thought never existed, but which was still her reality at that moment.
The moment she felt the pain weakening in her stomach, SolHi stopped. Then, taking the phone out of her pocket, she turned on the flashlight and looked around. „Why am I here?” SolHi wondered, carefully looking at those cold walls, especially at the garbage that was all over, at her feet.
While looking around, SolHi noticed the cement pylon from the middle of the first floor that was also seen on the second floor, through a big hole that was right in the middle. A pylon whose metallic wires, which seemed to be the hair of a mystic creature, were passing through that hole as though worms or maybe snakes were trying to enter the world of humans from the underworld. And yes, that view was terrifying because that pylon, which should have supported the ceiling not falling, seemed to do exactly the opposite because it was even more ruined than the ceiling itself.
Illuminating it with the flashlight, SolHi could see the upper part of the pylon very well. There, she saw a small piece of something black, something that seemed to be saran wrap or something like this. Then, suddenly, it seemed to her to be something more than a simple saran wrap. That’s why she decided to approach it more and, looking through the hole at the upper part of the pylon, to see what was the deal with that something black. Yet, approaching it more, SolHi felt the scent of mold even harsher than before, something that made her feel sick again and tremble to her feet.
Because of this, SolHi squatted and touched the floor with her palm. It was cold. So cold it was that it made her shudder inside because… it wasn’t only cold, but also wet and sticky, probably covered by mold or moss, something that made it feel lumpy at the touch.
After touching the floor and feeling all this, SolHi also felt the pain returning to her stomach. Yet, it was different this time. She felt it not only in her stomach but also deep in her entrails, something that made her eventually crouch on that cold cement floor, touching her belly with both palms. After this, she felt her eyes bathed with tears. Yet, she wasn’t sure why she was crying.
„Why am I crying?” She suddenly wondered. „Why do I feel that what happened then happened namely here? I feel that it happened here, but I can’t remember if it’s true or not. I can’t.”
Suddenly another memory came to her mind… a memory of a cruel man that was kicking her belly over and over again. This made her forget about the pain. After that, she stood up and carefully looked around. Yes, she stood up, but not only because of the memory but also because she realized that that man, who was cruelly kicking her belly, yelled at her to die and SolHi started to hear his voice and the words spoken by him so well.
Hearing those words, SolHi shuddered. „What was that?” She wondered so suddenly. „Who’s this man and why is he also here? What does he want from me and why is he hurting me? Why?”
After asking herself such questions, SolHi looked in front. There, she saw herself, that SolHi that existed seven years ago, the one that was wearing a white dress that night, crouched on the floor, bloody while that monster was kicking her belly over and over again. Yet, what amazed her was to realize that that SolHi wasn’t crying. She was only desperately trying to cover her belly with her arms even if her entire body was full of bruises and wounds.
The miracle didn’t stop there. Yes, SolHi hadn’t been amazed only by seeing that the other SolHi wasn’t crying but also by the words, those that the other one had at that moment, which she suddenly heard in her head, „You must be strong, SolHi! You can’t allow him to kill you! You can’t allow this monster to kill your baby!” After that, crouching more, that SolHi tried as she could to protect her baby.
When she remembered the baby she lost that night, SolHi burst into tears. „Un!” she suddenly shouted, stretching her arms toward the other SHE, the one from the past. Instead of herself, she hugged the air, blurring the image seen in front of her. This made her feel terrible at that moment, to understand that she was so weak and unprotected, a feeling that made her cry even louder because she was incapable even to comfort herself.
She started to cry with all her body, shuddering from top to toe when she heard, so suddenly, other words spoken by that bastard that hurt her that night. „You and your bastard must die tonight!” He yelled at her. „You must disappear off the earth’s surface because you are staying in my way. You are a burden to me. That’s why you must die! You must die!”
His words drove SolHi crazy. „Stop it!” She yelled at him. Not that SolHi from the past, but the one from the present yelled, the one that covered her ears with her palms eventually, not to hear his words anymore. She also closed her eyes because she didn’t want to see him anymore. Yes, even if she looked for him for seven years to know who the bastard that destroyed her life was, SolHi didn’t want to see him at that moment. At the same time, she didn’t want to hear his words, as though her mind was closed to the entire world, trying to protect itself this way. A failed attempt eventually because even if she closed her eyes and covered her ears trying to chase the hallucination away, it didn’t happen eventually. Yes, she was unable to protect herself even this way. And, because of this, so suddenly, SolHi felt that she lacked air while the pain from her belly returned so suddenly, even harsher than before.
Feeling all this, SolHi suddenly sat on the floor. After that, shaking like hell because, when she opened her eyes again, she saw again the sufferance of the other SHE, SolHi started to crawl toward the hole from the middle of the floor. Yes, she crawled more and more toward that hole, mumbling like a crazy woman, „I’m sorry, Un! Mom feels so sorry, but I can’t protect you! I can’t, I’m sorry!”
Eventually, SolHi yelled with all her heart. She roared, trying to make everything stop and let her breathe. Yet, seeing that this didn’t help, she kept silent so suddenly. After that, wiping her tears with mechanical movements, SolHi stood up. She, despite the pain still felt in her stomach, was standing without trembling on her feet. It happened because of a thought she had at that moment, „If you want all this to stop, SolHi, you must stop it!” How? Simple: by ending everything in a second. And, so suddenly, SolHi took a step behind her. Then… another one and one more, until her sole didn’t touch the edge of the hole, a touch that SolHi felt so well deep in her body. Yet, it didn’t scare her. She only smiled. She weirdly smiled while closing her eyes and stretching her arms to the side.
„It’s over!” She murmured eventually, feeling a strange peace in her chest. „I can stop all this and it feels so good inside. So good it feels, SolHi!”
Yes, SolHi didn’t murmur all this only in a fit of madness. She felt all this as being her salvation. She found her happiness next to that black hole that could swallow her at any moment. Yet, she didn’t seem to care about it. She seemed to look for that perdition, one that could have ended with her suffering and her pain.
The moment she stopped feeling the pain, her mind also stopped thinking. It was so easy for her inside, she felt so calm, so happy. It was because of her barefoot sole that touched the harsh and sharp edge of the hole, one that hurt her skin but still didn’t hurt. Yes, she stopped feeling the pain and it was so good for her. A happiness that was surrounded by darkness, voices, yells, and shadows. Yet, all this didn’t scare her anymore but calmed her down. Because of this, SolHi closed her eyes again, the moment she heard the voice of a man calling her name. A man that seemed to try to protect her, but SolHi didn’t care about him. She only took another step back, looking for peace.
***
Carrying an unconscious SolHi on his back, DooSan rushed to get to the car as soon as possible. A car that was so far from them and this drove him completely crazy. How not to feel this way when, despite everything he did to get to the main road, he couldn’t?! It happened because of the lavender blades that hurt the skin of his feet so badly, trying to stop him there, to impede him get to the car, and save SolHi.
All that happened was driving him crazy in fact and not only the lavender. It was also because of SolHi’s hissing breath that he heard so well right next to his ear, just as he felt her head swinging back and forth while he ran through the lavender field. A state of her he couldn’t understand because he remembered that when he left her on the road she seemed to be fine. At that moment, however, she not only had difficulty breathing, but she also seemed to hallucinate.
Yes, hearing her murmur and her difficulty breathing, DooSan felt his heart stopping in his chest for a few seconds. It happened because he understood that it was a very dangerous situation. Yet, he was determined to save her, at any cost because, „She must be fine,” he murmured. „Yes, she must be fine.” Then, the moment he felt her body sliding off his back, he pushed her up and held her legs tighter to his body to make her stay still. And, doing this, when he felt her chest touching his body, when he felt her arms so cold wrapped around his neck, DooSan felt remorse.
Actually, because of the remorse, DooSan turned back, looking for her. Guilt he started to feel while madly driving on that country road. And, the moment he felt all this, DooSan understood that this was driving him crazy, just as he felt his heart madly beating in his chest. A strange feeling that made him stop the car right in the middle of the road, wondering what the hell was wrong with him.
Only a thought came suddenly to his mind, answering his question this way. „It’s because you left her there,” he heard a strange voice in his head. „In the middle of the field, at night. How could you do this, Han DooSan? How could you leave her alone, behind you? Even if she’s your enemy, she’s also your partner, and a partner is never left behind.” A voice that was of his brother YuSan, the one who always told him to keep his enemies closer and that even an enemy deserves a second chance, even if DooSan knew that this wasn’t fair.
At that moment, however, when he saw SolHi almost falling through that hole and heard her saying „I’m sorry,” DooSan felt strange. Yes, he started to fear losing her and this happened the moment he saw her allowing herself to fall through that hole. Because of this, he rushed to grab her hand and avoided her dying, even if he wasn’t also sure why he saved her.
It was a strange feeling that DooSan felt at that moment. He also didn’t know why he felt all this. He only knew that he started to feel it and that he had to be by her side at any cost.
Actually, when he got back to the place where he left her and didn’t see her, DooSan felt his heart pouncing strangely in his chest. „Where did she go?” He wondered, looking around. „She didn’t follow me, I’m sure because I didn’t see her while coming here. Yet, it’s the only road back to Seoul and the only one she could have taken to get back home. Even so, she didn’t take it. Why? What the hell is in the mind of this woman? Moreover, where did she go at this late hour at night, and… why does she make me worry about her?”
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Swallowing hard because he felt terror thinking that she went somewhere and he wouldn't have been able to find her, DooSan kept looking around. It’s how he saw her boots left next to the lavender field, the same lavender field that SolHi crossed eventually to get to that abandoned warehouse. One that DooSan also saw eventually after many minutes of illuminating with the lantern that lavender field. A warehouse he ran toward right away, even if he wasn’t sure that SolHi got there in the end. Even so, he felt that he had to go there too, that he had to be there for sure, that there was something his, even if he wasn’t aware of why he felt all this.
Getting there, to that warehouse, DooSan stopped. He felt strange, looking at that big black monster seen in front of him. One with a big black mouth open, something that made him feel fear sneaking inside him. Because of this, DooSan decided to turn back and run away from there because he had always been afraid of unknown and dark places. Yet, hearing a strange murmur from inside there, he stopped and looked back. „It’s SolHi,” he eventually whispered. „She’s inside there, I’m sure of this. But… What's she doing there? Why did she enter a place she didn’t know? What’s she looking for inside there?”
The moment he heard her yelling, DooSan forgot about everything and ran inside. There, on the first floor of that warehouse, DooSan illuminated the surroundings with the lantern, seeing the misery around. Something that made him swallow hard eventually, feeling sick because that scent of mold was definitely something difficult to bear up with. Yet, the moment he heard SolHi’s mumbling from above, something that gave him the feeling that she was out of her mind, DooSan left the first floor behind, running up those stairs to see what was going on up there.
On the second floor of that warehouse, DooSan stopped and shuddered. It happened when he saw SolHi crouching on the floor, touching her belly with both palms while having her arms wrapped around her. This view made him feel cold drops of sweat running down his back. It was a strange feeling that sneaked inside him because… seeing her this way DooSan felt sorrow for her. At the same time, he felt a strange connection between them, something that made him keep looking at her belly. He even felt his eyes wet while looking at her because… he finally understood that even if he hated her all those years, he never knew her well. Yes, he didn’t know her at all because… he never saw her suffering.
Thus, with his eyes bathed in tears, DooSan murmured, „She also suffers! I never knew that this monster could also feel fear. Why? Why does she suffer? And… why do I feel that she suffers because of me?”
Such questions made DooSan shudder again. Yes, it was strange for him to ask himself such questions. Moreover, it was weird for him to think that SolHi could have suffered because of him because, as far as he knew, he didn’t hurt her. Yes, he hurt her after he found out that she was there when YuSan died, but… the feeling that she suffered because of him wasn’t because of this. DooSan felt that there was something more than this hidden in that story, something older than the events seven years ago. What exactly? He didn’t know. He actually was unable to know all this because… he never thought about SolHi in such a way, just as he never looked at her with different eyes… he always considered her a monster and looked at her only this way.
Yet, it changed. It changed so suddenly that DooSan shuddered, the moment he saw her sole touching the sharp edge of the hole. „What is she doing?” He murmured, terrified. „Did she lose her mind or what? SolHi!” He shouted, calling her name. However, she didn’t even look at him. This made him fear because it meant that she didn’t even want to see him. Yet, he was seeing her so well. She was right in front of him, about to throw herself through that hole for an unknown reason, a reason DooSan didn’t want to know. All that he wanted at that moment was to save her. That’s why he grabbed her hand and pulled her to his chest the moment he saw her about to fall. Then, when she fell unconscious in his arms, DooSan froze because he never thought to see her acting like this. She was so cold. He felt her coldness while holding her in his arms. And, so suddenly, without thinking about this, DooSan stuck his lips to her forehead, and murmured, „It’ll be just fine, SolHi! It must be this way!”
By doing this, DooSan understood one thing at that moment: that suffering controlled not only her life but also her mind and her soul, killing her inside, slowly. He had wanted this punishment for her. Yes, he wanted so badly to see her like this for so many years, but… it felt so different at that moment when he finally saw her suffering with his own eyes. It was different for him too to keep her to his chest, so cold and almost lifeless, something that he had dreamt about, thinking that his sufferance would end only this way, but still, something that scared him at that moment when he heard her hissing breathing, something that was heard as though coming from deep underground.
„Asthma,” he murmured in the end. „It’s probably because of lavender. Yes, it must be because of this. And, if she suffers because of asthma, she must have an inhaler too.” Yet, looking through her pockets, he didn’t find one and this scared him the most. A fear that didn’t last long because he suddenly remembered that SolHi took the parka off while being in his car. It meant that she could have left the inhaler in his car too. That’s why he put her on his back and rushed to get to his car as fast as he could.
Once next to the car, DooSan left her on the ground, supporting her back against the vehicle. Then, he looked for the inhaler all over. Not finding it, he felt as though losing his mind because he understood that, without it, SolHi could have died. This made him fear again. Moreover, when he understood that if something had happened to her that night, he wouldn’t have been able to forgive himself for an entire life. This made him shudder, feeling the pain in his chest, something that wet his eyes in seconds because… he was afraid of losing her.
Suddenly, the moment he heard her voice asking for a paper or plastic bag, DooSan winced. This request made him frown because he wasn’t able to understand why she needed that bag. Yet, realizing that it wasn’t the first time SolHi had an asthma crisis and maybe not the only time she didn’t have the inhaler with her, he decided to listen to her and looked through the glove compartment for a bag.
In the glove compartment wasn’t something like this and this scared him again. Not for a long time because, so suddenly, he saw a paper bag on the rear chair. He didn’t remember why that bag was there and didn’t even care about this. DooSan only grabbed it and, getting out of the car, knelt next to SolHi, helping her to keep the bag to her mouth while deeply breathing in and out.
It took several minutes for her to feel better. He felt it, that she started to feel better, when SolHi touched his palms with both palms, looking straight into his eyes. Thus, when he understood this, still shaking like hell, DooSan asked her, „What was that, SolHi?” A question SolHi didn’t answer. That’s why he insisted. He even raised his voice when he asked again, „What was that, Ian SolHi? Why did you try to kill yourself in that warehouse?” SolHi said nothing again. She only looked to her right, at that road that was leading home. Behaving like this, she let DooSan understand that she was hiding something. That’s why he insisted again. „You saw something there, right? No, you remembered something there. Something that happened that night. But… What did you remember, SolHi? Tell me! You must tell me what you saw there because I feel that’s related to YuSan. It’s related to the night when he’d been killed even if it’s not the same warehouse where we found you. Yes, this one it’s not similar to the warehouse where my brother died, but… it’s still one that helps you to remember something. So, if you remembered something, tell me about this, SolHi! Please, tell me what you know!”
DooSan almost begged her to tell him what she remembered. He had tears in his eyes while asking all this. Yet, instead of saying something, SolHi pushed him away from her. Then, barely standing, she moved away, further and further from him.
Thunderstruck, DooSan looked behind her. He looked behind her for a long while, doing nothing else than staring in front. Then, he started to shudder with all his body, the moment he understood that his brother’s death was more than a simple crime. At the same time, it couldn’t be a coincidence that SolHi had such a crisis there and that she tried to kill herself there, exactly as she said that night, that the day when he’d see her dying was so close. Understanding this, DooSan yelled behind her, „Tell me, SolHi what happened that night! You must tell me if you know something. If you aren’t guilty… you must tell me about this! Just tell me, Ian SolHi… I must know! I must…”
While asking this, DooSan was crying, shuddering like hell. A cry that didn’t soften SolHi’s heart, who kept advancing, barefoot, on that country road. She didn’t even look back while leaving. She only kept moving further and further from him.
Knelt and powerless, DooSan was crying with all his heart. His eyes saw so clearly the lavender field of amazing beauty in front of him, but this didn’t calm him down. He saw in that lavender, not his calmness as he felt before, but enemies, ones that stood in a single leg, waiting for the chance to kill someone as it almost happened to SolHi. This made him understand, that his hatred and the desire for revenge brought him nothing eventually. He didn’t feel satisfied when he almost killed his enemy twice or saw her about to kill herself for something she said she didn’t remember. This seemed strange to him, that a person that killed someone so cruelly as it happened to YuSan had been about to kill herself because of a warehouse in a field of lavender. More than that, he couldn’t explain the feeling he started to have for her… a kind of bond between them, an inexplicable one because… he felt as though he had to protect her after that night, even if it was a feeling he didn’t understand.
Understanding all this, DooSan shouted eventually, „What the hell happened that night? What exactly happened then and why did she react like that, namely here, in a place that seems a ghost one?” Questions that remained unanswered because those fields and the warehouse weren’t willing to respond to them. Just as it happened to the wind, which seemed to know a lot about what happened, but it preferred to keep silent… forever.
However, the unanswered questions weren’t something to knock DooSan down. It only enraged him more than he was. Not because of SolHi, who kept silent, and not because of those places that said nothing to him. It enraged him because he understood that he knew nothing all that time and that he simply acted because of madness. At the same time, he decided not to hate anymore. Not the wrong person as it seemed to him that he hated before. DooSan just decided to give time some time and, when he’d finally found out what happened that night, take revenge as he planned, no matter whom that hatred would kill eventually.
This gave him the power to stand up in the end. Then, at a slow speed, he followed SolHi, who kept advancing toward the city. He preferred to do this… just follow her because he wanted to give her time to think about everything she found out in that warehouse, something he was sure she wouldn’t have been able to do if forcing her to get in his car.
And he was right in thinking so… that SolHi needed space to be alone. At the same time, he was wrong because SolHi didn’t think about what happened that night. She only advanced toward an unknown final point, thinking of nothing at that moment, somehow absent while stepping through the dust. She didn’t even realize that DooSan was following her in the car. And, even if she had realized this, maybe she wouldn’t have cared about this too much because DooSan was for her only the monster that wanted to hurt her even more than she was already hurt.
Crawling her legs behind her, powerless inside, SolHi thought eventually only about one thing: that the pain should never turn back. She didn’t care about anything else… neither about the sharp stones that kept injuring her soles nor about the pain caused by the lavender, something that pressed her chest and made her feel dizzy. Because of this, because her chest hurt because of the lavender, SolHi kept tapping with her palm over it, trying to calm herself down this way.
Thus, stubborn and powerful even if she didn’t think that she was strong inside, SolHi managed to move further and further from that nightmare place. And, even if she felt often that she was about to collapse, she never stopped or looked back. This way, she managed to get to a pay phone. There, she got inside the cabin, pressed the emergency button, and when the receptionist answered the call, she asked for a collect call. Then, she had to wait for a while until Mina’s voice had been heard in the receiver. This made SolHi cry while saying, „Mina, it’s me! Can you come and pick me up? Mmm, I feel bad and I don’t know where I am. I just… I just feel about to collapse again.” After that, she listened to what Mina said. Then, she put the receiver back on the holder and, exiting the cabin, she sat down by it.
***
Stopped not that far from the pay phone, still in his car, DooSan kept insistently looking at SolHi, who was still sitting next to the cabin. Thus, he saw that she was having difficulty breathing, tapping over and over again on her chest while trying to calm the storm inside her. A view that made him frown and hiss through his teeth eventually, „Damn, she’s so stubborn! If she had gotten in the car, she wouldn’t have felt this way now! She’d have been fine by now.”
Eventually, understanding that the only way to submissive that stubborn beast was to struggle with her, DooSan decided to get out of the car and force her to listen to him. Yet, he didn’t manage to approach her eventually because Mina, who suddenly stopped her car not that far from the cabin and practically jumped out of it, approached SolHi first. Once next to her friend, Mina knelt by her, giving SolHi an inhaler, which SolHi used to breathe for a short while. After that, when she’d been finally able to stand up, not before Mina forced her to take some pills, SolHi moved toward the car, helped by her friend.
While heading toward her red vehicle, Mina glanced at DooSan with hatred. Yet, she said nothing to him or to SolHi. She only helped her friend get inside the car, she entered too and, pressing the gas pedal to the brim, they left that place.
After a short while of moving away from that place, SolHi fell asleep. This made Mina breathe a sigh of relief because she thought SolHi would definitely collapse. When she saw her next to that cabin, SolHi looked definitely bad and this scared Mina so much. Yet, seeing SolHi asleep didn’t calm Mina, but enraged her more. It happened because of DooSan, whom she saw only watching at SolHi's suffering, but didn’t help her. That’s why, still looking at SolHi’s asleep face, who was still slowly moaning, a hint that the pain didn’t totally vanish, Mina yelled in her head, „Ah, Han DooSan, you, devil! You don’t even know whom you stepped on her tail because… I’m not an angel when it comes to those who hurt SolHi and you are one of them. You, bastard, you won’t ever stop hurting her, do you?! Well, don’t worry because neither I’ll stop hunting you nor I won’t have peace until seeing you dead!”