Liliana looked at the young man standing before her. Emyr looked as angry as she’d ever seen him, but she had expected it, truth be told. She was impressed it had taken him this long to sneak his way into her room.

He was probably trying to give me space to grieve. It’s what I always do when something happens in my life that scares or hurts me. I run away from him and Alistair as fast as I can and seclude myself. Liliana frowned a little at that thought.

It was true. Flight was her response to bad things, but specifically, she ran from Emyr and Alistair. As if she was always afraid of depending on them when she was hurting, like she was scared they’d abandon her the second she really depended on them. She kept them at arm’s length, and she knew it was unsustainable. Soon enough, she’d need to make the choice to actually let them in, or to finally cut them off. And she knew the choice she’d pick now.

“What insane, dangerous plan have you cooked up now?” Emyr hissed at her, grabbing her arm in a tight, but not painful, hold.

Liliana activated [Empathy] with a thought as felt the emotions he kept under his mask of indifference crash into her strongly enough to take her breath away. Anger was the first, hot and flaring in her chest and throat. Then there was worry, fear so strong she shivered from it. Sadness floated beneath it all and a sense of loss mixed with the potent cocktail and at the very edges of it all, a deep suspicion, but it wasn’t directed at her. Liliana turned off the skill quickly, needing her own mind clear. It took her a second to refocus herself. She hadn’t expected such potent emotions from Emyr, and it had thrown her off. It seemed despite how little he showed his emotions; he did feel them and so powerfully she wondered how he hid them from everyone else so well.

“I can’t tell you that,” Liliana responded, gently trying to pull his hand off her arm.

Emyr didn’t want to let go but her Strength was higher than his and she pried his fingers off before grabbing his hand with hers. She could tell he needed the contact, some kind of comfort for the information he was about to receive. Emyr had been with her for so long now, with her through every insane plan she’d concocted. He’d been at her side. Helping her, guarding her, making sure she came out the other side alive. She owed him her life several times over now, and he would struggle to understand why this was a plan he couldn’t be a part of.

“Why the in the hells not? Liliana, I know you’re hurting, but you can’t go off on some harebrained scheme and get yourself killed because of it!” Emyr’s voice was rising, reaching a pitch Liliana had never heard from him. It was that, mixed with his words, that stunned her. Anger quickly replaced the shock. The cold flames that were always simmering in her veins now raged high. Dropping his hand, Liliana took a step back, her eyes narrowed at him.

“Is that what you think of me? Some impulsive child who goes to get herself killed in some blaze of glory the second something bad enough happens? I might be broken, Emyr, but I’m not a suicidal idiot!” Liliana’s own voice was rising and she barely reined it in enough to prevent her voice from leaking past her bedroom and alerting the entire manor to their spat.

“What else should I be thinking, Lili? You barricade yourself in your room for days, refuse to eat. Then the first time anyone sees you, it’s you in your night clothes riding Lelantos across the estate like a madwoman! Now I hear you’re leaving? And don’t give me that temple bullshit. I heard everything! You’re going somewhere dangerous, really dangerous. What are you planning and why can’t I come with you to make sure you don’t get yourself fucking killed?” Emyr demanded, following her retreating steps until he stood inches before her. Her head tilted back to keep her hard glare on him, holding his own enraged gaze easily. She would not back down from this.

“Because you can’t Emyr! There are things going on you don’t know about, that you can’t know about! I won’t drag you in any deeper than you already are!” Liliana hissed at him, annoyed to feel tears in her eyes.

Why couldn’t he just understand she was doing everything she could to keep him safe? If he knew about Imogen, he’d be in danger. If Imogen saw him as a target, Liliana couldn’t protect him. Right now he was Alastair’s friend and that kept him out of Imogen’s warpath. But if she told him everything he’d have to choose between Alistair and her, it would destroy him. She knew that. She couldn’t guarantee any longer which side he’d pick, and deep down, she knew he’d pick her. Over his best friend, because his sense of justice was that strong.

Emyr followed her and saved her life before he ever really knew her, when he still had assumptions and prejudices tainting his view of her. That’s just the person he was, the hero he was. He’d try to help her, and it would get him killed. He’d try to find any other way to prove Imogen’s crimes, and then he’d be at risk of being caught by Imogen, when there was no more proof to find. Imogen had undoubtedly destroyed any possible evidence as soon as it was announced the Inquisitors would be coming.

Liliana didn’t have the time to wait for him to exhaust every other avenue to finding proof. She barely had the time she needed if she left tonight to get what she needed. If he realized that, he’d demand to come with her, follow her if she told him not to. Silas couldn’t possibly protect them both. It was already dangerous with just her to protect. If Emyr came with them, they’d likely all die. Imogen would get what she wanted, and no one would ever know of her sins. Liliana would not risk her plan for this, she couldn’t. And she couldn’t put Emyr in danger.

“Why can’t you just trust me, Liliana? What have I done to make you believe I’m your enemy? You keep me at arm’s length, no matter what I do! Why won’t you just let me in?” Emyr’s anger was fading, sadness taking over his features and tone, and it sent an ache through Liliana’s already damaged heart.

“I do trust you,” Liliana muttered, looking away. She heard Emyr bark out a dry laugh above her.

“Bullshit. You only trust your Bonds. You don’t trust anyone else. Not really. Not me, not Alistair, not Silas, not Jason, not even Astrid,” Emyr whispered the last name and Liliana stumbled back, hand grasping at her chest. Emyr didn’t let her get far. His hand reached out and grabbed her hand, the other taking her chin and forcing her to meet his eyes. Holding his gaze was hard now, so much pain and sincerity held in steel-gray eyes.

“You can trust me, Lili. I’ve shown you with my actions, but I think you need to hear the words too. No matter what you tell me, I won’t hurt you. I’m not going to leave,” Emyr told her and Liliana felt the walls she’d built around herself crumbling. Those last words were her undoing, and tears flowed down her face.

“I’m using my wish,” Liliana said, her voice rough from the pain in her chest. She was scared, terrified. It almost stopped her from speaking, trying to lock her tongue up.

She’d thought if she kept herself distant from everyone, keeping some of herself locked up tight, no one could really hurt her.

But that hadn’t worked, had it?

She had never fully trusted Astrid, only ever told her strictly what she needed to know. But losing her had destroyed Liliana, mixed up her pieces so badly that she could tell when they healed she would never again be the same girl she was before.

All her walls did was make her more lonely, keeping even those closest to her far away. And she was so tired of being lonely, so tired of keeping all these secrets held tight to her chest where she was the only person they could claw into and poison. Sharing her pain and grief with Nemesis and Lelantos had eased the burden, made it bearable. Maybe if she did the same with these secrets, some of them, it could be easier for her to bear those, too.

“After I tell you everything, my wish is that you stay here. You will not follow me. No matter what. If you don’t agree with this, I’ll tie you up and leave you in my closet. By the time you get out I’ll be long gone and I will never trust you, Emyr,” Liliana’s voice gained a bit of strength, but the fear was clear in her voice, the desperation.

She’d let him in, but it had to be on her terms. She had to stay in control of this situation or she didn’t know if she could handle it. Emyr dropped his hands and stepped back a little. He looked conflicted, but he nodded his head in agreement and Liliana let out a relieved sigh.

“Let’s sit. I can’t do this standing,” Liliana said as she led the way to her bed. She didn’t want to go to her sitting room. Too many memories haunted that room for her to enter it just yet. Emyr took a seat a foot away from her and Liliana stared at her clasped hands in her lap, trying to figure out where to start.

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“Imogen’s the one trying to kill me,” Liliana blurted it out. She took another breath and continued on, not giving Emyr time to respond.

“The first time I know of was when I was comatose for weeks back in spring. She poisoned me with a Soul poison. The priest who stopped by was able to reverse the effects, or well, I should say, Vita reversed them. That’s when I Awakened. I guess it was necessary to save me or something, so the goddess unlocked my System access. I got my affinities then, though I don’t know how I got the Soul one, it’s not Vita’s domain. Maybe another goddess helped her, though I was never told.” Liliana could feel herself getting off topic, but now that she had someone to tell her story to, even if she kept some small facts obscured, the words poured out of her in a torrent.

“Imogen wasn’t sure if I knew it was her or not. She visited me after I woke up. She didn’t outright say she did it, but it was clear she had. I knew I had to gain power then. Imogen had tried once, and she suspected I might know. It made me even more of a risk to her. It’s why I went after Lelantos despite it being so dangerous. I needed power, and I needed it fast.” Liliana’s hand played with Lelantos’ soul stone as she mentioned him. She took another breath and continued on with her story, still avoiding looking at Emyr. If she looked at him, she didn’t know if she’d be able to continue.

“But getting that power, it was a double-edged sword. I don’t know if Imogen was planning on threatening me so soon, but with me gaining the duke’s favor, I became even more of a risk. She arranged those bandits to attack me, though I don’t think she was accounting for you and Alistair being there. It was sloppy for her, but I think she was panicking a bit at that point.” Liliana snorted, though it was a humorless thing as she looked down and away.

“She wants her son to take the duchy, wants to ensure her power remains. If I become the heir, she knows she’ll be kicked out, and she is afraid of that. It doesn’t matter to her that I don’t want to be the Duchess. Never wanted it. I don’t even want to be a noble. But I knew with Lelantos, and the crown princess showing interest in me, that my time was running out. So as soon as I heard of another creature, a strong one, I jumped on it. But that tipped Imogen over. She couldn’t let me get another strong creature, a rare one. That would give me too much prestige and power, and I’d be a true threat to her.” Liliana hunched her shoulders. Retelling her story felt liberating, but it also made her feel so tired. She’d been through so much in less than a year. So many brushes with death, and it wasn’t even close to over yet.

“She got more clever. She hired real assassins this time. I think she underestimated my strength, and the strength of those around me originally. She wasn’t taking chances with her third and fourth tries. There was no way I’d be able to fight off those assassins on my own. It was only luck that we weren’t where we were supposed to be that first time.” Liliana tilted her head back, trying to stop more tears from falling, not until she finished her story.

“It made it so much worse, you know? It was right after Alistair’s apology when I’d finally, finally, decided I could really see him as my brother. Then we come back to see the assassin and I was reminded of exactly why I couldn’t see him as my brother. His mother wants me dead, and I could never tell him that. He’ll find out soon enough, but I wanted to postpone the pain of seeing him hate me for a bit longer.” Liliana shook her head, brushing off the traitorous few tears that escaped her watering eyes.

“The second attempt, well, it would’ve succeeded, if it wasn’t for one variable. Imogen hadn’t accounted for me having a demonic amulet with a body stealing entity hiding in it. No one accounts for that in their murder plans. I’d taken to wearing it after the first attempt. It offered me comfort, safety that I couldn’t find from anyone else.” Liliana's voice broke, a sob choking her that she pushed through determinedly. If she stopped, she would never finish.

“I couldn’t trust Alistair, not after his mother just tried to kill me. You were his best friend and I couldn't trust you. I didn’t know if you’d believe me, or abandon me to stand by Alistair. And I couldn’t risk the pain of that betrayal. I couldn’t trust the guards, I know some of them are in Imogen’s pocket. So I turned to the amulet. It saw the darkness, the pain, the hate festering inside of my soul and called to it.” Her hands fisted in the front of her shirt as she curled over them, spitting the words out. This was the hardest part, admitting how wrong, how dark she was. How she was so twisted a being of pure evil had felt safe to her.

“And I willingly grasped onto its promise of safety with both hands. It started to whisper into my mind, feeding that hate and pain. It was subtle at first, and I think if I’d had it for much longer, I never would’ve been able to take it off. It would’ve darkened my soul beyond repair.” Liliana curled into herself a little more, feeling that fear again. Fear of who she had almost become.

The nightmares she’d had were almost prophetic, what she’d seen when she’d written them down. She still didn’t think the amulet had sent that first nightmare. She suspected it was a warning from a higher power. Vita perhaps, seeing that her tool was swaying off the path she’d set her down. She’d sent the dream to instill a fear in her subconscious, to try to scare her off of the amulet. As much as she could do without breaking the System’s rules of meddling.

“When the second assassin came, I was about to die when I reached for anything to save me as I watched the knife inch towards my heart. And something answered. The amulet worked as a conduit and let the entity possess me. It filled with me so much power I could barely hold it, it burned through me. While that thing used my body to kill the assassin, I had to sit back and watch. I felt how easy it was to kill him. I had the power to destroy the Wilde’s manor with a flick of my hand. And there was a part of me that wanted to, that reveled in the pain I’d caused, in the blood that stained my hands. I didn’t know if it’d give me control of my body back, wasn’t even sure I wanted it after what I’d done, what I’d felt. But it did. Not before breaking me enough to make the story believable, though.” Liliana buried her face in her hands, terrified now that if she looked at Emyr, she’d see disgust painting his features.

She couldn’t take that, not combined with her own self hatred she felt. Didn't need to see the disgust she still felt for herself reflected in his eyes. It would break her and she was barely holding herself together as it was.

“When I woke up, I knew what had happened. I felt violated, in a way I had never had before. It had taken my free will from me. My body had been used as someone else’s puppet while I could only watch on. And the worst part was that I had asked for it! Begged for it. I’d enjoyed the power I held for those minutes, enjoyed seeing the assassin fear me and beg for his life. And I hated myself for it all. It’s only thanks to Lelantos that the amulet is off of me. I’d tried to rip it off, but I couldn’t. Its hold on me was too strong despite all it had done. I was too weak.” Liliana sobbed the last words, hating herself for the sobs, for the events of that day, for her dependence on the amulet.

She hated herself for asking for that entity to save her, hated the price she’d paid for her life. Liliana hated that at the end of the day; she was so weak for all she tried to not be. When push came to shove, she’d grabbed onto the dark side with both hands, willingly. It took a few minutes for the sobs to fade enough for her to continue her story.

“I felt even more alone at that point. Four times now Imogen had tried to kill me, and trusting Alistair was so hard. But I wanted, no needed, comfort. And I was selfish. I let you both back in, because I needed someone to lean on. I needed friends. I needed someone around me who didn’t know how fucked up I was, didn’t know what I’d let into my body willingly. So I let you both back in. You were both so eager to stay with me. So determined.” Liliana smiled a watery, sad smile and shook her head.

“Imogen gave me a break from there. I knew it wouldn’t last as long as the last reprieve. She’d dug herself too deep, and she knew I knew who was behind the attempts. She was cornered now. Imogen thinks the duke will eventually listen to me. He won’t. He’s blinded where she’s concerned, but she’s a traitorous viper and can’t imagine anyone else not being the same. Or she’s scared because I’m close to the crown princess. I think my visit to see her was the final straw. She probably thinks we’re plotting against her. She’s not wrong about that, mind you. I expected assassins, I could handle those. I didn’t think she’d really resort to poison. And certainly not in my lunch. I don’t know how she convinced that maid to do it. That was my mistake. I should’ve expected anything and everything from her.” Liliana’s hands fell from her face, fisting as anger overtook the sadness and self hatred.

“She killed Astrid. Astrid died drinking poison meant for me. Because I wasn’t fast enough in finding proof against Imogen, Astrid now lies dead in the ground while she gets to walk around as if her hands aren’t stained red with blood. And I’m done. I’m done doing this the proper way, the safe way. She’s going to strike again, but now I don’t know if she’ll target just me or those I care about. But I will not give her the chance. This ends now. I’ll make sure these next three weeks are the last she gets to enjoy free. When the Inquisitors come, she’s going to be charged and shackled. Astrid’s death will be repaid.” Liliana finally turned her head to look at Emyr, and the stricken, heartbroken look on his face melted her anger. His face was ashy, the blood drained from his skin, his fists tight to his side, and as Liliana watched, tears fell from his eyes. That was enough to stun her. She’d never seen Emyr cry.

“Lili, I’m so sorry. You’ve been going through all of this alone, and I never saw it. You were so strong, so alone, for so long. I’m sorry I ever made you think you couldn’t trust me. I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” Emyr began chanting ‘I’m sorry’ like a prayer as his form crumpled, his face resting in his hands. Liliana’s heart softened, and she slid closer, pulling him so his head rested on her shoulder and his tears soaked her shirt. Her own tears soon joined his as all her fears flooded from her. He believed her. He wasn’t going to leave her.

“What do you need from me?” Emyr asked some time later, when both their tears had dried and their breathing had calmed.

He barely pulled back, and his emotions were still painted across his face for all to see. Anguish and determination, desperation to fix what he saw as his failings as a friend. It was Liliana’s turn to collapse into him, her head resting against his chest as she breathed in deep, shuddering gasps of air. She felt the weight of the secrets she’d carried lifting off of her; the burden now shared between two backs and, for the first time in almost a year, Liliana felt like she could really breathe. She wasn’t alone now.

“This is what I need you to do while I’m gone, and when I’m back,” Liliana started, pulling away as strength filled her. She could do this. She was no longer doing this alone.