“How did it go with Diana?” Emyr stepped out of the shadows of a tree as Liliana left the library, where she’d finally managed to grab Diana for a private conversation.
They’d been back at the Academy for a week, and she hadn’t been able to get the other girl alone until today. Liliana could tell Diana was avoiding her. She didn’t even blame the girl. She had a feeling Diana was more… innocent than she and her friends were. Less used to seeing blood spilled in a dingy alleyway in broad daylight, and certainly not accustomed to seeing a friend injured.
“She… didn’t take it well.” Liliana confessed, veering towards her friend.
She had thought her friends were clingy before, now she felt like she was being unofficially guarded at all times. It didn’t matter where she went, someone was always close by. If she was studying, Emyr, Alistair, or Marianne were there. If she was training, someone was in the room with her. The only way she got to even go to the forest alone was because they knew Koth’talan would be there, and so Liliana wouldn’t be alone. Not that she was ever alone, really; she always had one of her bonds with her. But that didn’t seem to deter her friends in the least.
Then again, she’d had all her bonds with her the day she was attacked, and it didn’t make a difference.
“Was she mad at you?” Emyr asked, his voice darkening, eyes narrowing dangerously.
Liliana sighed as she grabbed a tree branch and heaved herself up, leaning back against the trunk and leaving a leg dangling. She tilted her head back and looked at the thick tapestry of leaves above her for a moment.
“No. Well. Maybe? She just seemed freaked out. It’s probably the first time her life has been in real danger.” Liliana explained, and she felt the menacing aura Emyr had been exuding weaken somewhat.
She knew if she had said that Diana had blamed her, or been cruel to her in any way, Emyr would’ve set off with every intent of ‘setting Diana straight’. The last thing Diana needed right now was a feral Emyr set loose on her.
“She seemed guilty too.” Liliana confessed, plucking a leaf and playing with it between her fingers, tearing the delicate greenery between her nimble fingers, the only outward tell for her anxiety.
“Why would she feel guilty?” Emyr said, his voice tinged with suspicion. Liliana kicked her leg at his shoulder.
“Stop that. She probably feels guilty for the same reason Alistair does. For not being with me, for not getting there fast enough, for not stopping it.” Liliana chastised her friend. Emyr swatted her prodding foot away from him, but settled against the tree, shifting slightly when bits of shredded leaf rained on his head.
“How are you feeling?” Emyr asked, shifting the conversation. Liliana grabbed another leaf, tearing into it for a few moments before she responded.
“Not the best. I might have lost a friend with this. And I wouldn’t blame Diana for it, either. And then there’s being back here, after everything. It feels off. And there’s so many people, it’s overwhelming.” Liliana confessed, as yet another leaf was dissected in her hands.
Her emotions were roiling under her skin right now, even as she tried to rein them in. She felt, to put it simply, like shit. She was sleeping better, with fewer nightmares. But she still felt raw. And being around so many people while she felt vulnerable was terrifying.
It felt like everyone could see through her weakened defenses, see the fragility inside of her. If they could see it, she feared they’d be able to easily reach in and grab the core parts of her and crush them to bits. Liliana hadn’t realized how much her lies, her barriers, had been acting as a cursed armor for herself. With them removed, she no longer felt as safe, as protected, as she had been.
She had only revealed the truth to a select few, but it had been enough to strip her of that armor entirely. To leave her naked on a battlefield with no shield or sword to defend herself with. It felt like everyone could see it, smell the blood in the water.
She knew that was her paranoia talking, but that paranoia had been so much a part of her for so long, it was hard to let go. It had kept her alive. It had also nearly been her undoing. It was hard to know what to do when she couldn’t even trust her own instincts because they’d led her wrong before.
That was without the issue of her fear of losing a new friend. Losing Diana wouldn’t be as great a hit as losing those she was truly close to, like Emyr or Alistair, or even Marianne. But it would still hurt to lose a friend, no matter how close they were.
Liliana knew she had a habit of getting attached to the people she let get close to her. It made her loyal, but it also meant it hurt that much more if one of the people she attached herself to decided to cut ties. Even if she wouldn’t blame them for the choice, it wouldn’t stop the hurt it caused.
“Well, if a single death threat is enough to chase her off, she’s a shit friend.” Emyr told her with a shrug. Liliana snorted a laugh, tossing a handful of shredded leaf at him.
“Most normal people don’t deal with death threats.” Liliana reminded him, making Emyr pause in his attempts to remove the green flecks from himself.
“That has to be false.” Emyr stated, looking at her with clear skepticism.
Liliana felt amusement and sadness course through her as she looked at her friend. What were their lives that death threats were normal? Was this what it meant to be a noble? Gold wrapped poisoned daggers, honey laced threats? Decadent balls disguising death threats? Emyr was the youngest child of a marquis, yet even he had grown up with the knowledge that his life was always in some form of danger from his family’s enemies. As Liliana had, as Alistair had, as all noble children were.
The life of a noble was one of privilege, but the price one paid for that finery was the loss of personal safety. The higher your status in this world, the more enemies you made, the more people who eagerly awaited your inevitable fall.
Perhaps Liliana had escaped much of it, being unwanted for so long and publicly known as such, but she had dealt with her fair share of murder attempts in her life. What had it been like for Emyr, a wanted child? A loved child? A child of a powerful family? How young was he when he was taught the reason nobles preferred to use silver utensils, to better detect common poisons in one’s food? How old was he when he first came face to face with the concept of death, and learned how close a companion it could be for the children of nobles?
“No, it’s not Emyr. For commoners in cities, many will live their lives without once worrying for their life.” Liliana said softly.
Yes, commoners could face their fair share of threats, especially the ones living in smaller towns or villages, where threats from beasts were more apt to occur. Even some cities, where the nobles did not properly manage it and crime flourished, could be dangerous, but for most not of the noble class, life-threatening situations weren’t the norm. A commoner would never have to check if their spoon turned black before sipping from their tea.
“Well,” Emyr paused, face brooding as he thought and adjusted to these facts, “any commoner who goes to the Academy is guaranteed to be in danger. More is expected of them, for being accepted, for graduating. Attention brings danger. Jealousy brings danger, and many nobles see the commoners who gain admittance here as stealing the rightful places of other nobles. Her life was already in danger, even if she never understood that.” Emyr finished with a huff, crossing his arms even as his steel eyes flashed with unease. So they were going to brush past the fact that their experiences with life-threatening encounters were not normal, alright.
“You’re right. But it’s still the first time she’s been in danger like this, seen it first hand rather than as some obscure concept. You don’t forget the first time, and it’s always the worst.” Liliana said softly, looking down at her hands.
Her fingers trailed across her skin as she traced scars, finding Lelantos’ tattoo on her arm and tracing the magical picture. Liliana still remembered the first time her life was in danger from another person in this world. She had realized it soon after she’d awoken, knowing that the reason she had been the one to wake up and not the original Liliana was because Imogen had poisoned her. The terror that filled her had stolen her breath and paralyzed her, made worse when the woman had come into her room, to see for herself that Liliana had survived.
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If only she knew that she had achieved her goal. The little, scared girl she had poisoned had died that day. Her soul was gone. Hopefully saved by Vita, but more likely, it could be gone. Destroyed by the poison. Liliana had died and someone else, a girl with no name, had taken her place.
Liliana had known, from her first days in this world, how delicate life was. How easily it could be taken away. That fear of death had been her longest companion in this world. Had been the driving force behind her every choice. Liliana had already experienced death once before in its entirety, and she had no wish to return to the void any time soon.
So Liliana could understand, very well, what Diana was feeling right now. Could empathize, and would understand if the girl shunned her out of fear, out of self preservation. How could she blame Diana for doing what she herself had done time and again?
“I don’t.” Emyr said softly, jolting Liliana from her thoughts.
“Hm?” Liliana made an inquiring sound.
“I don’t remember the first time.” Emyr said softly. Liliana paused, head tilting as sadness filled her again.
Had any of them ever been children, really?
“Lili?” Emyr asked as Liliana shoved off her branch, dropping in front of him and grabbing his hands in a flurry of movement.
“Come on, I want to show you something.” Liliana said with a secret smile. She had had quite enough of sadness, of heavy, suffocating emotions. Enough of guilt, fear, suspicion, and melancholy. She wanted something light, something sweet. She wanted to feel the giddy hum of mischief flowing through her. She wanted to feel laughter bubbling behind her lips.
But most of all, she wanted to banish the dark look from Emyr’s face.
“Where are we going?” Emyr asked as Liliana dragged him past groups of students taking advantage of the summer warmth to spend time outside. Liliana made a bee-line for the Earth affinity tower as Emyr trailed behind her, not resisting, but his mouth down turned in confusion.
“Lili?” Emyr asked as she led them inside, turning at the door and glancing around to check that no one was watching before she started tapping the brickwork in a specific pattern.
“Lili? Did you drag me here to show me a wa-“ Emyr cut off as the bricks shifted, slowly forming an opening just large enough for a person to walk through.
Liliana grabbed his hand again and tugged him through, Emyr ducking at the last second to avoid getting brained on the low entrance. As soon as he got through, the bricks moved again, closing behind them. Darkness closed over them for a brief moment before mage lights shone, revealing they were standing on a platform, stairs leading down into the ground in front of them.
“Okay. What the fuck?” Emyr asked, eyes wide as he looked around, pressing a hand against the wall that had been a doorway seconds before.
“The Academy is full of hidden rooms, tunnels, and passageways.” Liliana said, smiling proudly as she nodded at the stairs.
“And where does this lead?” Emyr asked, passing her and looking down the stairs, curiosity clear on his face.
“Down the stairs, there’s a tunnel that leads to the infirmary.” Liliana said before her lips spread into a sharp toothed grin. “But if you know where they are, there are a few different other passageways you can access from here that lead to the Library, and some of the dorms.”
“Wait.” Emyr froze, turning to look at her, eyes narrowing as his mind worked. “Is that how you get back to the dorm sometimes without any of us being able to tell how?” Emyr asked, voice holding trace amount of accusation in it. Liliana bit her lip and flushed, looking away.
“All the dorm rooms have access to a passageway.” Liliana said softly, rocking on her heels slightly as her friend’s gaze bored into her.
“And you didn’t think to tell me?” Emyr asked, voice soft and all the more dangerous for it.
“Well… no?” Liliana tried, flicking her eyes to his face and quickly averting her gaze.
“How long have you known about these?” Emyr asked. Liliana bit her lip harder as she debated what to say. She’d technically known about the secret passageways since before they were even accepted. But she couldn't very well tell Emyr that.
“Since the first week?” Liliana said, though it came out more as a question than a statement. Emyr stared at her, silent, as she fidgeted under his harsh gaze.
“Lili, this would’ve been so much more useful for spying on those assholes!” Emyr finally groaned out, Liliana let out a sigh of relief.
“It wouldn’t have done you any good. I think the passageways connected to individual dorm rooms are coded to our IDs. I tried to use Alistair’s, and it didn’t work.” Liliana said with a shrug, and Emyr looked slightly mollified by this.
“How many of these are there?” Emyr asked, and he was back to being curious rather than menacing and disapproving.
“Hundreds. Most classrooms have at least a hidden room, if not a passageway. Theres a huge network of tunnels under the entire Academy, not to mention inside each building. It’s a maze.” Liliana said, excitement tingeing her voice.
She hadn’t had much of a chance to explore a lot of the hidden aspects of the Academy, but she knew it was basically a labyrinth of rooms, passageways, tunnels, and hidden staircases. If she didn’t have her memories from her first life, she’d have gotten lost more than once in the few times she’d delved into them.
“Probably in case of an invasion.” Emyr murmured as he looked back down the staircase.
Liliana shrugged. It was her best guess, but with her theories that the Academy had been created by a beast, it could’ve been for nothing more than to sneak around. Or because the original beast was one that preferred living underground and was more comfortable with confusing tunnels. Maybe it was some type of mole, or rabbit, or even a meerkat.
“I haven’t had much of a chance to explore. Do you want to help me map it out?” Liliana offered, and the way Emyr’s eyes lit up in excitement, the emotion washing off years from his face until he looked like the sixteen-year-old he was, made it all worth it.
For a moment, regret filled her. She should’ve shown the secret passageways to Emyr sooner. But she’d been so busy with school, with her deteriorating mental health, that she hadn’t thought of it. She banished the emotion. It didn’t matter; she was showing him now. And he looked so happy she couldn’t feel regretful for long.
“Come on,” Emyr said, grabbing her hand this time and dragging her down the stairs. Liliana grinned as he pulled her along.
“How’d you even find out how to get in here?” Emyr asked as they hit the end of the stairs. Liliana was prepared for this question for once, even if the lie tasted bitter on her tongue.
“Saw an upperclassman use it.” She said with a shrug as she took the lead, stopping by a stretch of wall and pressing her hand into a brick that had the Academy emblem carved into it.
“I figured out that most places that have the emblem on them are passageways. Some are more complicated to open.” Liliana explained, nodding at the new tunnel that was revealed as the wall swung open like a door. Emyr stared at it, then at her, before a notebook and a pen appeared in his hands and he flipped it open, beginning to sketch something out on the paper.
“Where does this lead?” Emyr asked.
“This one leads to the second year class C dorms.” Liliana explained, and she fell into the role of tour guide as she led Emyr through the tunnel, showing him the emblems and how to open the doors and explaining where they each led. Emyr was practically buzzing with energy as he sketched out a map, adding in something new with each thing Liliana told him.
Liliana guided them through the tunnels for hours. Sometimes they had to emerge into a building to get to the next passageway. Their travels had them walking through the affinities towers, sometimes going up or down floors for the next entrance. On more than one occasion, they startled wayward students hanging out in the towers.
It didn’t help that some of the entrances, and therefore exits, weren’t always in normal places. Sometimes they popped out of the floor, sometimes they walked straight through walls that were nothing more than illusions, and on one occasion they dropped out of a ceiling and scared a second year half to death when they fell right in front of the desk he’d been napping on.
One student even screamed, startling all three of them, when Liliana and Emyr walked through a mirror to exit a tunnel. And Liliana was fairly certain she heard a pair of third years whispering about ghosts and haunted buildings when they climbed out of the floor on the second floor of the Fire affinity tower.
“We need to get back to the dorms,” Liliana said as she rested on a couch in one of the hidden rooms they’d ‘found’.
Liliana had obviously known it was there, but Emyr didn’t, and she had to pretend it was a surprise to her. Sometimes she wished she didn’t have her memories from her past life, and right now was one of them. She wished she could experience what it was like to explore these passageways with no idea what she’d find.
While it was exciting to see them in real life, much of the wonder was gone when she knew where each passageway led to. But it was alright, because seeing Emyr get bright eyed with each new discovery made up for it. It might not be her first time seeing these hidden rooms and secret tunnels, but it was his. And that was enough.
“Can’t we just… not?” Emyr asked with a pout from the overstuffed armchair he’d taken.
This room was some kind of resting room, the best Liliana could tell. It had comfortable couches and chairs, blankets, and pillows. Liliana wondered if exhausted upperclassmen or teachers used it to sleep in sometimes. She had remembered this room from the game, but it hadn’t had the furniture or blankets in the game. It was always interesting to see how the world differed from the game, even in something as small as the use of a secret room.
“We can keep exploring tomorrow,” Liliana bargained, and Emyr looked up from his map with a calculating look.
“Promise?” he asked, and Liliana smiled.
“Promise.” She swore. Emyr stared at her for a long moment before sighing and standing, putting away his notebook.
“Think we can scare Alistair by popping out of a wall?” Emyr asked, a devilish grin on his face that Liliana matched.
“Let’s try it.”