Cal didn’t know if it was a dream or a memory or both.

He was on some distant planet in the middle of a Withering Apocalypse. He recognized the signs of a world without a Heart Dungeon. He stood in what had been an orchard, but now the fruit was all black, and the trees were nothing but sticks poking out of dying, brown ground. Clouds blackened the sky.

There was a creepy farmhouse there, a Celestial Node if he ever saw one. And there was a man going into it, a man in a brown suit. He had unremarkable features. Brown hair, thinning a bit, a plain face, and yet, from the center of his brown suit glowed a beautiful light.

Cal knew where he was—on Mimi Drybone’s homeworld of Naraka, and the farmhouse was the world’s Heart Dungeon. The man in the brown suit drew an Omega Audit Crystal out of his pocket before he disappeared into the farmhouse.

That was when Cal opened his eyes.

He was lying on the floor, head on some sour-smelling dish towels that hadn’t been washed in a while. Gwen and Helga were hovering over him, while Kronke snoozed against the wall even as the spiders scratched at the iced-up door.

In the time he’d been out, Helga had put on her chainmail, the Armor of Enduring Shine. Even with the Spirit Llama sweater, everything matched, and she looked awesome.

Daphne’s shouted. “IS HE DEAD? I BET HE’S DEAD. THE ELF BOY WAS ALWAYS VERY FRAGILE. BUT HE DID HIS OWN DISHES, I’LL GIVE THE ELF BOY THAT! NOT LIKE THE OTHER JOKERS WHO ALWAYS THOUGHT I’D CLEAN UP AFTER THEM. DIDN’T THEY SEE THE FRICKIN’ SIGN?

There was a sign on the wall above the sink suggesting that Department employees did their own dishes because their mothers were, alas, not there to do it for them.

Cal sat up, dizzy. “Did you guys feel that surge of Apothos? Oh, man, it knocked me for a loop. How long was I out?”

Hurricane clopped up, a sad look in his eyes. Yes, he was wearing his Spirit Llama sweater armor, which he loved, but strapped to his back, behind Helga’s saddle, was the sink which housed the Seawater Revenant. Daphne was now mobile.

That wasn’t all. The freezer section of the fridge had been removed, and it hung from Gwen’s zeppelin. Karl’s gem was no longer in the door, which faced down, but was mounted to the side. It flashed with a blue light. “All righty, fellers, we need to get a-moving. We only have a couple of hours before we haveta report to the Arcandor Initiative, so they don’t, you know, purge us all.”

“So much purging,” Gwen sighed.

The coffee maker sat next to Perkle’s scooter. Both were in pieces. Fullgeers screen had a face with Xs for eyes. But the coffee machine’s coffee-colored gem was still there, cracked but glowing.

Cal told his friends about the surge, the voice, and the weird thing about marketing swag. Then there had been his memory of Naraka and its Omega Audit. Cal remembered that Mimi had met the auditor, who took pity on her and her mother before the world ended. But how was any of that important?

Gwen tightened a nut on the scooter. “Karl isn’t wrong. It took me far longer to make my adjustments than I would’ve figured. And have I said how much I miss my wings? I know I’ll miss them even more when the fighting starts.”

Kronke squinted at her. “You not have wings. Only backpack.”

“But the backpack turned into wings,” Gwen said. “Really cool magic item Perkle and I made. But I’ll live.”

“Kronke glad. Kronke love Gwen. Kronke maybe get your wings back for you.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Gwen threaded another bolt onto a screw on the scooter. “Good news is, I finished up with two out of the three killer appliances, and when I say killer, I mean killer.”

“I’m a bomber now!” Karl said happily. “A frickin’ bomber? How great is that?”

Daphne added, “AND THE TROUBLED HUMAN GIRL INCREASED MY SALTINESS! MY WATERS ARE MORE CORROSIVE THAN EVER! LONG LIVE CORROSIVUS! DID I MENTION THAT MY PRIMARY ELEMENTAL AFFINITIES ARE AQUA AND CORROSIVUS?”

Cal winced. “Can we not turn her volume down?”

“WHAT’S WRONG WITH MY VOLUME?”

Helga chuckled. “The watery lass is like me Cousin Olga. Always yelling.” At the mention of her cousin, Helga shook her head, like she was sorry to bring her up. “Comes from the Boot Peninsula on Harknuckle—that’s one of the halfling homeworlds. Everyone from the Boot Peninsula yells when they talk. And lots of hand gestures. I’d rather not talk about my cousins.” The halfling barbarian scowled and tightened Hurricane’s saddle.

Cal knew that Helga had a troubled past she didn’t like to talk about. In Mimi’s dungeon, she’d something that had bothered him. It’s why I gave up raiding even when…even when people were depending on me.

Gwen set the coffee machine on Perkle’s scooter. Luckily, the scooter had a wheel on the front and two on the side, so it had some stability. “Daphne is just loud. She’s fine. I’m just wondering if we want to hear from Fullgeers here.”

The face on the screen changed. Fullgeers blinked away his Xs and had round eyes once more. The mouth started mimicking chattering, talking and talking and talking. There were a few beeps, but not much.

Fullgeers seemed to want to talk.

Cal couldn’t blame him. He stood up, stretched and stood with Helga near Gwen, watching her work.

Gwen paused to wipe sweat from her face. “Nearly have it done. But Cal, let’s be honest with ourselves. Those fire spiders are from Weavelord. They have to be. I bet he’s behind all of this. My father finally snapped. It’s hard to…” she choked down some emotion. “It’s hard to admit that, but it’s the only thing that makes sense.”

Cal went to talk.

Helga lifted a finger to speak.

Gwen beat them both to the punch. “But then, that doesn’t make sense. My father dreamed of being a dungeon core all of his life. Like all of his life. He had this obsession with this one dungeon core, Magnus Elvis Maverick. He was a wereguy. Very rare, or so Dave always said.”

The narrative has been taken without permission. Report any sightings.

“A wereguy?” Cal asked. “So, he was a wolf during the day and became human at night? Something like that?”

“Something like that,” Gwen wrenched a nut tight. ‘We heard all about Magnus Elvis Maverick growing up. Like he could do nothing wrong. Thing is, good ‘ol Magnus had vanished a long time ago. To parts unknown.”

Cal and Helga went to speak at the same time.

Cal gestured for the halfling to talk.

Helga shrugged. “No, boyo. Ye can talk.”

Cal nodded. “Okay. I don’t think Weavelord being the villain makes sense. He told me someone was embezzling Apothos from worlds, siphoning a bit away. If he were the culprit, I don’t think he would’ve been so honest about it. No, I bet it’s someone else. Maybe this Magnus guy is back. Or the man in the brown suit. But what was all that about marketing swag?”

“No idea.” Gwen stood up. “Finished. Okay. What were you going to say, Helga?”

“This jawing is nae helping anyone. We must get down to the dungeon and get some answers. I say we do that first, then back track to the corner office, once things are clear. There might be a clue there, but there might nae be. Either way, I’d rather crack some dungeon’s core, which would kill the worm monster, so we don’t have to fight it. I’ll wake up our holy knight of Keyblarr the Baker.” Helga moved off.

Gwen looked into Cal’s eyes. “I hope it’s not Dave. I really do. I hate him, sure, but he’s still my dad. It would suck if we had to crack his core.”

“I don’t think Dave is the Web Wizard,” Cal said gently. “Don’t worry. We’ll get some answers soon.”

Fullgeers hissed, like he was steaming milk for a cappuccino. The face on the screen frowned. The hissing turned into whispering words. “Answers won’t help you. Nothing will help you. All of you are going to die. Clinging to hope is pathetic.”

Yes, the words were dark, but even worse was that hissing, whispering voice.

Gwen smacked the machine. “Hey. Don’t be so negative, or I will turn you off.”

More hissing. “Can’t turn me off. I am in full control, troubled human girl, of not just my voice, but of all my ingredients and components. I am drawing Apothos from the gnome’s scooter.”

Mechanical arms burst from the sides of the machine, as other limbs sprouted, attaching the coffee machine to the scooter. Arms ending in circular saw reached out as the twin nozzles of the coffee dispenser telescoped out.

Kronke was awake and summoning the Pink Reaper.

Helga had reloaded the musket and was aiming at the new mechanical monstrosity that filled the room.

Gwen leapt back, uncoiling her magic rope.

Cal raised the Ruby Staff.

Daphne, strapped to the battle goat, yelled at them all. “STOP! I COULD’VE TOLD YOU FULLGEERS IS A REAL NEGATIVE NELLY, BUT HE’S STILL ON OUR SIDE! HE’S BEEN SERVING COFFEE TO A BUNCH OF UNGRATEFUL BUREUACRATS FOR CENTURIES. THAT WOULD TURN ANYONE CYNICAL. YOU OKAY, FULLGEERS?”

The machine hissed. “I shall never be okay until I know the sweet relief of death. Until then, I will pretend to be hopeful. Let us go and enjoy the battle and bloodshed of a war we cannot win. The end is coming. For us all.”

Gwen slung her rope around her shoulder. “Aren’t you just a barrel of sunshine.”

Kronke de-summoned his weapon. The pink charm bracelet on his wrist glowed. “Fullgeers only scared. Turns fear to sadness. Says terrible things as defense mechanism. Don’t be afraid, machine. We Audit Team Six. We special.”

Kronke then walked up, avoided the spinning saws, and patted the machine.

“Fool,” Fullgeers hissed. But the saws stopped spinning and retracted into the machine. His screen face gave Kronke a big grin with big love-y cartoony eyes.

Kronke’s smile was equally as big. “Fullgeers war machine! What he before he coffee machine?”

“A Kitchen Ghast,” Gwen said. “Didn’t know he that extra weaponry inside of him. He’s perfect. Simply perfect! Fullgeers, I love you.”

“Your display of emotion means nothing to me,” the machine hissed. But the cartoony grin grew wider, and a few more hearts were added to the screen.

Cal didn’t know what diagnosis these crazy machines had, but they had to have some kind of metal disorder. They were all insane.

“We ready?” Gwen asked.

“Give me a second.” Cal accessed his matrix and used his Triple I spell to show his friends his matrix.

<<< ۝ >>>

Calcannis Illudere

Funk Soul Matrix

Race: Elven

Main Profession: Accountant

Champion Path: Spreadsheet Illusionist

Level: Iron Trunk Cultivator; C-Class, Rank 1

Primary Elemental Affinities: Luminosus/Umbra

Racial Abilities:

* Exceptional Senses

* Silent Foot

* Minor Boosted Charisma

Profession Powers:

* Advanced Apothos Analysis

* Impressive Informational Image

* Enhanced Equipment Evaluation

* Lower Middle Management

* Conference Call

* Identify Apothos

Champion Augments:

* Rather Good Simulation!

* Mood Lighting

* Shadow Sneak!

* Beguiling Data Visualization! BDV!

Path of the Divine Auditor

* Basic Dungeon Meld

* New and Improved Generic Audit

* Karmic Korrection (Locked)

Note: Ruby Staff Improvements Detected.

* New! TK Oh!

* New! Staff Smack

<<< ۝ >>>

Cal felt forced to explain a few things. “My Karmic Korrection is locked, and I’m not sure—”

Kronke interrupted. “Pinkerton say you OP with Karmic Korrection. Say power creep make you uninteresting. Have to earn god-like abilities through bloodshed and carnage.”

Cal wasn’t sure what all that meant. After their time on Tittikaka, he’d not been able to get any more information on that ability. He thought he might be able to unlock it at A-Class but he wasn’t sure.

Gwen smirked. “Tell Pinkerton his mother was a pair of toenail clippers.”

The paladin broke into giggles. It was unnerving. “Pinkerton say something funny back. Kronke no repeat. It dirty.”

Cal had to get them back on track. “Guys, listen. I went up four ranks! I’m C-Class, Rank 1! No wonder I blacked out. Four ranks! And I think I can finally use the Ruby Staff for some real telekinesis. More than twenty pounds at least.”

“THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE!” Daphne yelled. “YOU’RE NOT A DUNGEON CORE. YOU’RE A FREAKIN’ DUNGONEER. YOU CAN’T JUST RANK UP LIKE THAT, NOT WTIHOUT KILLING WORLDS!”

Hurricane sighed. Hearing a battle goat sigh was father funny.

Helga went and petted him. “Easy now, my friend. This will all be over soon. Use your annoyance to power yer rage, for ye will need it. The mysterious foe we face is powerful.”

“Foe or foes?” Gwen asked. “I think we’ll have to face five of them, right? There are five Celestial Nodes under us. What if all of them are guarded by rogue dungeon cores? What if Weavelord and the AT1 are already dead?”

Fullgeers whispered, “I like the troubled human girl. For she has accepted the darkness as I have.”

“Whatever, espresso breath,” Gwen shot back. “Just trying to see things clearly.”

Kronke wrinkled his nose. “Why sad people say they see truth, when truth is happy? We friends. We alive. There are cookies.”

Cal saw where this was heading and cut them off. “We can argue philosophy later. Let’s get out of this room and get some answers. Fullgeers, let’s have you go first, since, uh, you are basically a killing machine.”

Gwen laughed. “The coffee wasn’t that bad.”

Helga got on Hurricane, “Aye, girl, it was.”

Kronke suddenly grew a foot taller, which made him stoop in the room, and a brand-new pink cloak appeared out of nowhere to cover him. He grew thin, almost skeletal, and his skin turned pink and even more leathery than it already was. Most shocking of all, his face turned into a dusky pink skull, barely visible under the cowl of the cloak. Pink flames flickered across the blade of the scythe. “Kronke ready.”

Gwen backed up. “Uh, what just happened.”

Kronke’s skull face smiled. “Pinkerton give me special B-Class Reaper Cloak skills. Kronke become Reaper Knight. Kronke look evil. But hope still in Kronke’s heart. But so is gleeful slaughter.”

Cal’s heart fell. Was Kronke’s transformation a good thing? He didn’t know, and he wanted to cast his Triple E spell, but he wanted to save his Apothos for the combat in his immediate future. And he had his Ruby Staff to check as well as other spells he needed to analyze the dungeon. They’d simply have to trust in Kronke’s sainthood.

The skull-faced paladin yanked open the door.

Fullgeers then showed you what happens when you drink too much coffee.

Do murder faster and with more energy!