Cal used his Off the Books ability, and found a dark corner, and watched as the skinless Exfoliator turned on Fullgeers. “Now, how about an espresso for Mama?

The eyes on the coffee machine’s screen turned into determined slits. Fullgeers hissed in defiance, “If you want an espresso, you six-armed piece of sinister trash, I will give you an espresso!”

The Fullgeers unleashed a full cannon of piping hot coffee that struck the monster right in the face.

Thank goodness, Daphne was still alive. She shouted her encouragement. “YOU GET HER FULLGEERS! BURN THE BEANS OUT OF HER!”

Helga and Kronke were beating against the padded tables blocking the entrance. Cal was glad they couldn’t get in. He didn’t want to watch the Exfoliator remove their skin.

Cal thought that even Kronke’s Reaper Knight flesh wouldn’t survive the sheer power of the skinless goddess in front of him.

And while Fullgeers hit the Exfoliator with his hot coffee attack, she didn’t look any redder than usual. She just might not be susceptible to attacks that only hurt her skin, since she didn’t have any. How do you burn someone without an epidermis?

She was distracted for a second, sputtering, and Cal knew it was up to him.

A second later, he got a message.

<<<>>>

Ultra Audit Tipline Message

Foe Type: Major Floor Boss Action

Foe Name: Derma Cutey (That’s the Exfoliator’s real name. Ha. Good one, Barb. Derma is a part of the skin, covering subcutaneous fat. “Cutey” is short for subcutaneous.)

Forecasted Foe Level: A-Class

Suggested Foe Elimination Tactic: Combo Illusion and Ruby Staff Strike

Foe Note: Skin is important. Like really important. It keeps out diseases, it keeps your muscles in place, and it stops your guts from creating a wardrobe malfunction. Take away skin, and you are more susceptible to blunt force trauma than you would be without skin.

But if you don’t distract this particular skinless minion, you will wind up dead. Stay Off the Books until the very last minute.

<<<>>>

Cal knew the minute he cast his illusion, the Acupuncturists would throw their needles, and that would be the end of the trick. He had to play this smart.

But was hitting this thing with his Ruby Staff the right action?

He didn’t want to get anywhere near that huge woman and her six drippy, red muscly arms. Yet, he had to trust the tipline he’d been given, since he was going up against an A-Class floor boss by himself. Just a year ago, that would’ve been suicide. So much had changed since then.

Cal started his illusion, starting with a voice, from the other side of the room. He called out, “Fullgeers, hit her arms with your sour milk goo and try not to get thrown!”

Fullgeers had switched up from using his espresso cannon and was unloading her paperclip machine guns at the giant woman, though she had a telekinetic shielding. The coffee machine switched attacks, hosing down the Exfoliator’s with a ton of chunky sour milk, gumming up her right three arms in a soup of spoiled dairy.

The six-armed demon woman shrieked, pointed a knife at Fullgeers with one of her left hands. The coffee machine tank floated off the floor.

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It was now or never.

Cal had his illusion scream out a heroic cry before running at the Exfoliator with the Ruby Staff raised, gleaming with a bright, scarlet light. The demon skin remover turned just in time to see a barrage of the Acupuncturists’ needles go right through the simulation.

It was enough of a distraction.

Cal TK Oh! his real body into the air and sent himself soaring into the Exfoliator. He brought his Ruby Staff down as hard as he could. He’d aimed for her head, but she dodged it, and the Ruby Staff came down on her shoulder. There was a huge explosion, and an arm went flying.

Skin was good at keeping limbs attached as well.

Cal expected the worst, but then Daphne hit the demonic Exfoliator with her most corrosive water, and that made the thing screen. Acid hurts everything and not just skin. One of her other left arms smoked before falling to the floor. Her last arm swung at Cal with a cleaver, but his magical tie leapt up from his neck to block the attack.

Cal then struck her head off her shoulders. It wasn’t just his strength; it was the magic inside the Ruby Staff, exploding outward in a powerful Staff Smack. A second later, the ruby winked off, out of power, and Cal dropped from the air just as barrage of needles whistled over his head. Lucky there. Unluckily, he fell with a splat in a pool of sour milk goo.

But with the Exfoliator dead, the padded tables fell away from the entrance.

Kronke flew in. A storm of needles splashed off his pink cloak. The troll paladin swooped around on the smell of Mimi’s mango cobbler, delicious, and with a single swing of the scythe he lopped off the heads of three Acupuncturists at once.

Another Acupuncturist jumped on him and found herself imbedded on pink spikes.

By that time, Fullgeers was picking off more of the Acupuncturists with the paper clip machine gun cannons.

Gwen flew in on her steampunk wings, followed by Karl, who fired several frozen hard-boiled eggs, which struck like grenades and smelled like sulfur. A fair number of Acupuncturists were killed in the blast, and the rest succumbed to food poisoning, removing their masks to throw up. They didn’t have lips, which was gross, but the barfing was much grosser.

Cal was covered in sour milk goo. He got to his feet.

Gwen had picked up Daphne. “Hey. So, there was a secret door behind us, and we had to fight more Mud Elementals. What happened to Daphne?”

Cal stood there, stinking but alive. “Uh, well, there was this huge six-armed telekinetic monster, who, uh, threw her against the wall. A-Class. Yeah.”

Gwen grinned. “Wow, Cal, taking out an A-Class boss by yourself. Wicked cool.” She lifted the sink and set it on her hip. “Karl, get over here. We’re going to do some battlefield engineering. Looks like you and Daphne are back together.”

Karl’s gem flashed. “Hey, Daph. Welcome aboard.”

“THANKS!” The sink sputtered. “I TOTALLY SAVED CAL’S LIFE. DIDN’T I SAVE IT? DIDN’T I?”

“Yeah, you did.” Cal let out a breath of relief. He was alive. “Okay, so, do I supercharge the Pink Reaper now?”

Kronke was covered in blood, looking down at his scythe, and giggling. “Funny, Pinkerton! You say funny! Murder so funny!”

Gwen winced. “Ouch. You know. I’m having some serious doubts with that particular plan.” She started ratcheting Daphne down onto Karl’s tank while gathering up spare parts from the destroyed tank. She found several containers full of extra paper clip ammo and several bottles of copier ink. The rogue engineer also moved the dust bunnies and rabid staplers and loaded them into the compartments on Karl’s tank.

Helga drew close to Cal. Her eyes were on Kronke, who was still giggling while he talked to the evil scythe. “Calcannis, I can’t help but have me own doubts about the plan. I have my musket, and you have your Ruby Staff. We might want to supercharge them.”

Cal adjusted his tie and rebuttoned his suit coat nervously. “Yes, Helga, I understand. But none of our magic items are one tenth as powerful as that scythe. We have to trust in Kronke.”

“I do trust him.” Helga sighed. “But I also know how power can corrupt. Like Barbara Starmyst. She wanted power more than anything and it’s turned her evil.”

“Maybe,” Cal whispered, and touched the file folder in the secret pocket of holding in his suit coat.

Fullgeers hissed at them. “Come, friends, we have more villains to face to win our way to the sanctum. No time to tarry.”

Cal called over to Gwen. “Is Daphne secure?”

“SECURED, CAL!” the sink shouted. “I’M FEELING BETTER THAN EVER! I’M READY TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FIRE, WHICH IN MY CASE, IS WATER!”

Once again, Fullgeers led the way through the door and into a maze of passageways, crisscrossing each other, with doors to small rooms everywhere. The air smelled good—like orange blossoms and vanilla, but around them people howled in pain as they were tortured. The contrast between what they heard and what they smelled put them all on edge.

However, the hallways were very clean, very well decorated, and the lighting was perfectly nuanced. Scarves hung from the door, giving them a gauzy look. Of course the maze of massage rooms was perfectly decorated. They were dealing with an interior decorator. However, Helga and Gwen soon found a pattern in all the doorways, which helped them defeat the maze. The red scarves led them out. The screams and smells were just there as a distraction. The whole design was both frightening and effective.

Barb’s nightmare spa wasn’t relaxing in the slightest.