Hours later, as evening melted into night, their new dungeon—The Halls of Red Tape—was ready. Cal didn’t like the name because he didn’t like how Standard Operating Procedures and other bureaucratic tools were seen as being “red tape” and that such “red tape” was bad. But because of Amorfo’s Apothos Manipulation ability, they were able to turn paper into actual red tape.
They were wondering why Barb wasn’t serious about retaking the first node. Yes, she sent a few of her minions, but they’d managed to keep them at bay.
After they were finished, Cal stood by Amorfo next to his desk in the inner sanctum. The heroic elven accountant then cast his Triple A, in Quick Scan mode, to get a summary of the dungeon.
<<<>>>
Triple A Quick Scan of The Halls of Red Tape
Entrance
Quick Name: Gadget Junction
Quick Note: You have three homemade IBM Tanks with enough office supply armaments to stop a small army. But wait! There’s more! A depressed coffee machine, a geezer freezer, and an annoyingly loud sink. Put a pint-sized tech bro in charge, and voila, you have Gadget Junction right at the entrance, looking down the main staircase at whatever horror is crawling up those steps.
* * *
Initial Hallway
Quick Name: File “M” For Murder
Quick Note: You can’t sell huge metal filing cabinets very easily, and so they have plagued the multiverse for generations. It’s one of the reasons why DUDE switched to boxes and tall shelves. But now, the filing cabinets are back in action. Two rows on either side of the hallway. The drawers shoot out, mashing anything in between.
* * *
Room #1 (Going clockwise from the top)
Quick Name: Perkle’s Playpen
Quick Note: As a gadget gnome, Perkle can create just about anything from just about anything. For this room, he’s hidden gadget golems in heaps of trash. Come close, and the gadget gnomes entangle you in red tape fired from their red tape guns. Once you’re entangled, the robots will rip you apart. At the same time, Perkle has javelin cannons pointed at the door. Open the door. Get a javelin in the throat. He took Amorfo’s Javelin Antics ability and turned it up to eleven.
Question: What does the number eleven look like?
Answer: Two javelins ready to kill you.
* * *
Room #2
Quick Name: Weird Tiled Room
Quick Note: Currently very crushed and inoperative, but Amorfo has managed to create a very small hallway in all the broken tiles.
Quick Additional Note: As you know, this is very important to the Harvey Ventilation and Air Konditioning system. I knew Harvey back when he was a dungeon core, and as a Steel Storm Naga, he was very moody, either hot as molten steel or cold as frozen iron. Regardless, I’m glad he’s on our side. He’s a shadow of what he once was, but he’s very good at making ductwork and keeping it at a consistent temperature.
* * *
Room #3
Quick Name: Recycled Pit Trap
Quick Note: Before, this room was Kronke’s Paper Shredder of Destiny. In his present state, with the one stone leg, he’s out of action, so we used the paper to cover the tiger pit traps. We also hung a ton of red tape from the ceiling as a distraction. Walk into the room, duck the red tape, and fall into a pit full of cast-off machinery, broken desks, sharp ends, and some broken filing cabinet drawers. A secret passageway leads to The Mad Merman’s Water Feature room.
Quick Additional Note: I’ve let HR know about the Pink Reaper. You can thank me later, though, you need every weapon against the centaur aromatherapist looking to become an evil odiferous god.
* * *
Room #4
Quick Name: The Mad Merman’s Water Feature of Aesthetic Death
Quick Note: Here we have a fountain, sitting on wet carpet, with about of inch of water in the center of the room. In the darkness, there are statues, some of which resemble a certain Dudusa, but there are other statues that look like an elf with iffy charisma (but notice the passion for accounting in his eyes). There are other statues of trolls, one with tattoos painted on the marble, while another has a big goofy grin. All of the statues are wearing cast-off armor and weapons taken from dozens if not hundreds of audits.
If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.
Statues wearing armor and wielding weapons? That’s bad. What’s worse is that when raiders enter the room, the fountain will continue to pour water onto the floor. Every single minute, the water level will rise two inches. If the battle lasts six minutes, that’s thirteen inches of water the raiders will have to fight.
Take to the air? Have fun with more of Amorfo’s Javelin Antics as well as a battalion of red tape guns.
* * *
Room #5
Quick Name: Office Supplies
Quick Note: This is just a room full of Office Supplies. On shelves. All very innocent. The secret door into the secret archive has been sealed, but there is a door to another room full of office supplies. If you need Post-it notes, you’ve come to the right place. There’s a fifty/fifty chance of any of the pens working. The main function is to connect the Recycled Paper Pit Trap to the Long Hallway.
* * *
Room #6
Quick Name: The Long Hallway
Quick Note: It’s a Long Hallway. Like before. The carpet is industrial gray (anti-bacterial). Walls are beige. Stained ceiling tiles above. Halfway down is the gigantic falling filing cabinet trap.
* * *
Room #7
Quick Name: Chessboard Pictionary
Quick Note: This is the same chessboard as before, sixty-four black and white squares. But there are twelve squares missing. That allows for the squares to move, shifting to reveal murals, which come alive. These murals, again, are mostly of Amorfo, but there are some of other members of the A and B teams that comprise Audit Team Six. The paintings don’t have the full abilities of those they represent, but they do have their non-magic weapons. The Kronke painting has a huge scythe, for example.
Additional Note: The suicidal dust bunnies and rabid staplers are still here, ready to attack. There is a seventy-percent chance they will emerge as the floor shifts. Three out of ten times, when the floor shifts, you’ll get the mural.
* * *
Room #8
Quick Name: The Break Room of Monster Girl Despair
Quick Note: Dave’s old rec room has a collection of new books, but these books are on shelves upgraded by Perkle and Gwen. Robotic arms swing the books out, right into the faces of the raiders, triggering the summoning spells. The monster girls jump out and start shredding off the faces of anyone they can find. Perkle also found a way to photocopy the books, so there is an unlimited supply. Problem is, the magic only works if eyes gaze upon any page, and it those robotic arms are only going to last for so long. Also, Perkle rigged up some pool ball cannons and foosball cannons. Being pelted by plastic soccer guys at high velocity isn’t going to be pretty. This is a brutal room.
If anyone strays near the microwave, it will turn on, full blast, doing radiation damage. There is a thirty percent chance of someone will get food poisoning from inhaling a mutant virus.
* * *
The Inner Sanctum
Quick Name: Lair of the Worst Co-Worker
Quick Note: The cubicle maze is back! Thanks to Amorfo’s Minor Apothos Manipulation ability, he was able to repair a good number of the cube walls. Beware the statues there, who may or may not attack you. And there is a Dudusa, roaming the maze, whose very gaze will turn you to stone. At the center of the maze is the Desk of the Worst Co-Worker, protected by the last of Amorfo’s statues and murals painted on the cubicle walls. The desk itself is a false pedestal with a fake gem floating office supplies covered in lime Jell-Oh. The real pedestal is the inexplicable Creamed Corn Fountain behind the desk, bubbling continuously. If nothing, it will provide the Stone Gaze Guygon with snacks.
* * *
<<<>>>
Cal blinked the summary away. In some ways, it was better than Dave’s dungeon, but he still wished Weavelord was there with them. Most importantly, they had defenses for the A Team. But who was going to be on the B Team?
Cal wasn’t sure. But first things first, he had to somehow convince Amorfo to do the suicidal speed run. Sitting at the Desk of the Worst Co-Worker, the elven accountant wondered why the stapler and tape dispenser were covered in lime Jell-Oh. It was a little odd, but Amorfo was odd. The fountain ability was powerful, and Cal didn’t know if they were utilizing it to its full potential.
Amorfo stood by the fountain, gazing at the creamed corn dripping from tier to tier. His gem floated over the bubbling goo.
Cal stood up.
Amorfo adjusted his sunglasses and smiled.
Amorfo cracked his knuckles, getting a little of his old swagger back.
Cal was relieved.
Amorfo then went over and took Cal’s hand. It was a very intimate gesture. The Dudusa’s voice grew ragged with emotion.
Cal awkwardly eased himself back.
A second later, a message flashed in Cal’s vision.
<<<>>>
Ultra Audit Tipline Message
Friend Type: Co-Worker that wants to be your friend.
Friend Name: Amorfo Deuce
Friend Level: C-Class, Rank 4
Suggested Friend Connection Tactic: Do lots of listening and throw in some helpful encouragement where you can.
Friend Note: Here’s the thing…growing up, you think some people have it all figured out. It’s like they have the rulebook to all of life. No one has that. Everyone struggles. And sometimes the louder someone is, the more insecure they are. They put on masks that hide what is actually right there in plain sight. Everyone thought the AT1 were the best of the best, but they weren’t. They just crowed about all of their accomplishments. That’s right. Amorfo did the loudest crowing, and he was feeling terrible about himself the entire time.
People are messy, Cal. People—dungeon cores and dungeoneers alike—are complicated to the point of insanity. It’s hard being a sentient being in this multiverse. If someone isn’t actively killing or trying to hurt you, it’s best to have some compassion and tolerance if not outright love.
<<<>>>
Cal thought since he was in an active Dungeon Meld with Amorfo, that the Dudusa would see the message. That wasn’t the case.
This mysterious presence had just sent Cal a message, and it wasn’t about dungeons or Celestial Nodes or any of their normal work. It was just about life and friendship and people.
It was oddly soothing.
And Cal would take its lessons to heart. “Okay, Amorfo. Let’s get you in place. Time to gather some intel.”
The Dudusa laughed. “And die trying.”
He wasn’t wrong.