The next hour was one of the most intense of Cal’s life. They made it out of the Massage Room Maze and found themselves in a kind of waiting room, with lots of couches, end tables and out-of-date copies of Dungeon Quarterly. A second later, dozens of Taurseuses charge them, knocking over lamps. The team neutralized the horse men rather quickly. The two remaining IBM tanks peppered the charging centaurs with paperclips while Kronke threw his scythe and Helga used her musket.

Cal found cover behind a chair and threw Bullet Points. This time, he went with more of a fleur-de-lis font. He concentrated on headshots, and he was able to take out three of the centaurs by himself. He loved having a ranged magical attack.

They moved onto the Serenity Stables, fought more centaurs, a lot more, and then pushed on through a corridor and into the Pain Salon, a long room sectioned off by curtains where groups of the monsters could hide. The smell of flowery scented candles mixed with the nostril-curling stench of high-powered chemicals. In the Pain Salon, they had to face the Many Mani Pretty Pedis, who looked similar to the Acupuncturists, they had the same hairnets and facemask as the Acupuncturists, but instead of white coats, they wore colorful dresses with floral patterns. The problem was, the floral pattern dresses came alive, entangling them in vines, or bursting with thorns.

The MMPPS also had many more fingers and toes. Their shoes were like gloves, showing all ten of their toes on each foot. The rubber gloves covered fingers with at least ten fingers, if not more. Cal had flashbacks to the Void Lords and their many-fingered hands.

The Many Mani Pretty Pedis were armed with long scissors that were razor sharp and they moved so fast!

When one group of MMPs died, they exploded in a shower of acid. Others exploded in a shower of rose thorns, which bounced off the tanks, but ripped through flesh. Helga and Hurricane got hit hard by both acid and thorns, and Kronke had to heal them, while Cal and Gwen gave them cover. Cal shot them with Bullet Points while Gwen flung silverware before the tanks got involved.

Then the boss minion, Madam Honey Chum, came bursting out of the backroom, over ten feet tall, with long spider-like fingers, that had the long scissors, that she could throw, like Kronke threw his scythe. Cal’s Ultra Audit Tipline Message said that hyponychium was part of the fingernail, so again, Barb was having too much fun naming her bosses. Very punny.

The troll paladin ended up going toe-to-toe with Madam Honey Chum, and even in his Reaper Knight form, he took damage.

Cal kept throwing Bullet Points at Madam Honey Chum, and the bolts sizzled through her, but she was just so tough. She had the same floral dress as the other minions, but the thorns she threw were the size of dagger. They punched into Fullgeers’s metal body, one after another, until Daphne threw up a wall of water which Karl froze.

That ice wall was the only thing that saved them.

Well, that and Helga’s Combat Decoupage.

From out of the copier tank, Karl and Daphne spit out a ream of paper. Kronke swept the paper up in his Sweet Breezes, and Helga then stuck to Madam Honey Chum’s face. Blinded, Kronke then cut off her arms with his scythe before slicing her in half.

When Honey Chum died, she exploded into dagger thorns, but Kronke’s cloak was able to absorb the damage.

After the Pain Salon, Team Six fought their way through the Locker Rooms of Shame, with hulking bathroom attendants, armed with deadly cologne sprayers. The only reason why they weren’t killed was because of Cal’s magic. He hit them with a Data Storm, which had them smashing their sprayers into each other’s faces.

Kronke and Helga charged in before the Shower Elementals and a dreaded Toilet Elemental joined the fight. Cal was disappointed that Barb had stooped to using toilet monsters. He’d thought the aromatherapist had more class than that. Karl was able to freeze one Shower Elemental solid while Daphne destabilized the other with her most corrosive saltwater. The Elemental went down the drain screaming.

The Toilet Elemental turned out to be the boss. Amorfo told them it was Plunger, the Prince of Porcelain, and its main weakness was clean water and soap. Daphne hit the disgusting monster with a fountain of water while they hurled soap dispensers into it. Toilet versus sink and the sink won with the righteous soap and her virtuously clean water.

The Locker Rooms of Shame led to the Pools of Naked Terror, where both Hot Water and Cold Water Elementals hit them. Karl and Daphne were super tired after their battle in the locker room, so Fullgeers took over.

The coffee machine watered down one Cold Water Elemental with his scalding hot coffee until the monster was nothing but a large puddle—like an Americano—on the tiles. Helga fired her ice bullets into the Hot Water Elementals, which froze them solid, so Kronke could bash them into pieces.

The boss of the pool area was Legionella, a huge blob that according to Amorfo came from bacteria, but now was kaiju sized.

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They had soap from the Locker Rooms of Shame, and they loaded that into Fullgeers reservoir, creating a scalding soap/espresso mixture. Hitting Legionella with the soapy coffee blew chunks out of his blobby body, and Daphne followed that up with her acid attack, corroding what was left.

Legionella had a poisonous breath attack, but Kronke’s Sweet Breezes took care of that, leaving the area smelling like baked goods.

They finally had to rest at the edge of the pool, near three hallways that led away into darkness. There was no telling how far they had to go, or how close to the inner sanctum they were.

Through the dungeon crawl, Cal kept tabs on Amorfo, whose initial victory in the Mad Merman’s Fountains of Aesthetic Death, had slowed Barb and Cardi down tremendously. Having lost half their centaurs in the fountain room, they now approached each area with far more caution now.

Cal was confused that Cardi could be there, and he hadn’t seen Barb enter the dungeon, either. Amorfo explained that an S-Class Barb, now a Heartwood cultivator, had a ton of magic she could use to move around the dungeon.

Cal couldn’t help but feel discouraged. And with every second that passed, Barb was only getting more powerful.

And they were getting weaker. Helga was out of magic, Daphne was having a hard time even turning on her faucet, and Karl was out of frozen food grenades completely. The geezer freezer was down to his last three cold bombs.

As for Cal, he might be able to do more Bullet Points, but there was no way he could do another Data Storm, though the Ultra Audit Tipline was still functioning.

While they rested, he got a message.

<<<>>>

Ultra Audit Tipline Message

Dungeon Crawl Status: Exhausted

Foe Name: Barbara Starmyst

Forecasted Foe Level: S-Class, Rank 6, with a margin of error of two to three levels.

Suggested Foe Elimination Tactic: Perseverance and a little Dharmic Direction

Tipline Note: You’re closing in on the inner sanctum. Problem is, Barb and Cardi are in the Long Hallway. It’s a race to see who gets to which inner sanctum first. You still have Plan C and Plan D.

<<<>>>

Yes, Cal had outlined a series of plans with his team, but still, he was losing hope.

Gwen stretched and groaned. “Oh, by the Baker, I’m not feeling so hot. Hey, Kronke, how about a little aura action. I need some courage, big guy. I can’t believe what we’ve fought. I simply can’t believe it.”

Kronke grunted, his eyes glowing pink. His face looked like a skull, and he was cradling the scythe, giving it little kisses.

Cal approached the troll. “Kronke?”

The troll smiled showing all of the teeth in his skull. “Kronke not use auras. Kronke save Apothos for murder. Murder good. Murder better than cookie.”

“That’s it!” Gwen flung out her hands. “We are not giving psycho boy a powerup! I know we have Plan C and D, but I say we go with Plan E. As in eek!”

Kronke’s eyes glinted with a certain maliciousness. “What Plan A and B? You not say. Kronke not know. Pinkerton not know. You keep us in dark?”

Cal didn’t like where this was headed. “No, no, no, Kronke. Instead of going with A and B, we went with C and D because ‘C’ stands for—”

Gwen cut him off. “Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was a joke. But back to Plan E. Let’s run away while we can! I bet if we retreated, ended the Null Arena, and beat feet back up to the office, we might survive whatever blast that happens once Barb reaches Triple S.”

Barb’s voice filled the room. “I agree! Hey, guys, how about we stop this? When I become a god, I promise I won’t kill you. You can walk away, okay? Ugh, your dungeon is so weird. And so wet. And it’s so smelly. Fine, fine, fine, Amorfo. I get it. You know bad smells trigger me. Ugh.”

Kronke let out a roar. “We live, but you let one thousand, two hundred, and seventy-three worlds die. Never! Kronke have Plan A. Annihilate! Kronke have Plan B. Butcher all sentient life! Kronke crack your core! Kronke murder everyone! Kronke rule over the ruins!”

With that, the troll paladin leapt to his feet and went flying down the middle corridor, right behind the high dive of the swimming pool, where Legionella was slowly dissolving in the murky water.

Cal went after him, but Helga and Hurricane were faster—they galloped by him. Barb’s laughter rang out.

“Guys!” Gwen called after them. “This is not the time to go rushing anywhere. Do you want to face another Toilet Elemental? And how is that elemental anyway?”

“EVERYONE POOPS!” Daphne yelled. “LET’S GO, GWEN!”

Cal heard Fullgeers hiss. “I’m a weary, aweary, I would that I were dead.”

It wasn’t surprising to hear that the coffee machine quoting depressing Urothling poetry, but Cal didn’t like his tone any.

The wide corridor—tiled, very clean, smelling like daffodils and pine cleaner—led into a vast room, where there were glass cases glittering everywhere, with all sorts of pipes, ashtrays, and other smoking accoutrements. Other glass cases had lotions, oils, shampoos, and conditioners. It was like the Woobie Jack Souvenir Shoppe they’d created back on Fidotopia with Otis.

Above the display cases, spanning the ceiling, were murals on the wall, of swirling colors, and butterflies, and peace signs, and happy people dancing in moonlit fields. Other happy folk lounged in tubs or were rubbing oil on their tired muscles. Some of those massage paintings put a blush on Cal’s cheeks.

The place smelled like patchouli and sweet smoke, but Cal noticed something. Most of the glass pipes were the shape of dragons, and above the happy people dancing in paintings loomed a large dragon.

Cal swallowed hard. The room was so big, it stretched into the darkness. Something was in that darkness, something that coughed slightly, and then growled. Whatever it was, it was big, stupendously so.

Cal used his Mood Lighting to crank up the lights.

Yep. In front of them stood an enormous dragon, about the size of a small castle, with dark green scales. The dark green hair along its backs was woven into dreadlocks. Was that where the smell of patchouli was coming from? The beast inhaled.

Cal didn’t think it would breathe fire on him, Helga, and Kronke, but it was going to breathe something.

To fight something so big, after they were so tired and depleted, didn’t seem fair. Cal only had one trick up his sleeve.

And Helga gulped in. “Plan D, Cal. Use Plan D.”

Plan C was all about Amorfo.

Plan D was all about Kronke. D as in Dharmic Direction.

Cal was about to cast his Dharmic Direction on Kronke’s Pink Reaper when the dragon unleashed its awful breath upon them.

Cal knew that he would never, ever be the same.