Cal was about to cast his Triple A magic when Helga held up a hand. “Can we nae use your Conference Call chicanery so that the entire team can see what I can do?”
“I can, Helga, but isn’t that a little private?”
“Oh, Calcannis. I’ve told you my great shame. I have nae other secrets.” The little halfling grinned. “None that I’ll admit.”
Cal reached out to his team.
Dave was more sober. Gwen piped up. “That settles it, Calcannis,” Helga said. “My soul is an open book to ye.” Cal was honored by her words. He accessed her matrix and then sent it across his Conference Call spell. <<< >>> Helga Kneebash Funk Soul Matrix Race: Halfling Main Profession: Interior Designer Champion Path: Keen-Eyed Barbarian Level: Azure Branch Cultivator; B-Class, Rank 10 Primary Elemental Affinities: Mallus/Terra Racial Abilities: * Animal Friends * Personal Comfort Maximization * Greater Feasting Profession Powers (Updated!): * Aesthetic Analysis * Advanced Feng Shui * Color Palette Detection * New! Lesser Transmogrify * New! Combat Decoupage * New! Demo Day Champion Augments (Updated!): * Battle Rage * Intimidating Roar * Destructive Charge * New! Scared Straight Scream <<< >>> Gwen spoke first. Helga chuckled. Dave said. Cal didn’t want to know more. Besides, they had to finish off their defenses and get down to Amorfo Deuce’s dungeon. Kronke’s voice echoed through their heads. “Greater Feasting is true! Kronke seen Helga eat! She eat good!” The halfling barbarian patted her tummy. Helga didn’t pause. The decoupage question remained unanswered, even as Audit Team Six chatted more about Helga’s various skills, but then Gwen was ready to bring down the breakroom cores to set up their statue staircase defenses. She’d needed Kronke to help moving stuff around. There was nothing like a troll with a Stronk skill to help you carry stuff. Cal kept his body with Helga while he transferred his consciousness back into the Unhappy Hour. Dave was still in his black bartender suit, behind the bar, when Gwen and Kronke arrived with the breakroom cores. “DID YOU MISS US?” Daphne yelled from the top of a gigantic piece of machinery, with lots of arms and legs of various sizes along with track tread tires made out of giant brass cogs. Four parallelograms powered the thing. Daphne was on the top between twin gun barrels. This was the IBM Copier tank, and it was gigantic compared to Fullgeers on Perkle’s scooter. Karl still hung from the shrimp blimp, though Gwen had fashioned a mount, so they could attach it to the ceiling above the stairwell leading down to Amorfo’s dungeon. When they were done setting up the breakroom cores in the stairwell room, Cal went over the specs in his Triple A spell. <<<>>> The tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation. Triple A Enhanced Initial Results – Exterior Obstacle Room Type: Area of Influence Manifestation Room Name: The Officer Party’s Freezer Section Room Purpose: To seal off the stairwell from those three rogue accountants below. Room Description: The purpose of the room says it all, right? You don’t want Amorfo, Cardi, or Barb creeping up the stairs and into inner sanctums. That would suck if they did that. It would be such a dark moment to lose the two Celestial Nodes you fought so valiantly to control. That’s why you brought in the big guns. Minion Description: * The IBM Copier/Sink Combo Tank is a motorized version of the Interworld Bureau of Machinery’s biggest industrial copier topped with Daphne the Saltwater Revenant, who will soak the steps in a spray of nearly saltless water. On either side of her are fully automatic rubber-band paperclip machineguns, capable of a maximum rate of fire of 500 paperclips per minute. On all four sides of the machine are ink cannons, able to hose down enemies within thirty feet. The ink will blind eyes and stain clothes. * Karl the Ice Elemental turned freezer has been mounted onto the wall of the landing. From his perch, he can launch frozen food grenades down the staircase as well as roll ice bombs down to freeze Daphne’s water, making the steps as treacherous as an ice cities fire escapes in February. * Next to the IBM tank, there’s Fullgeers, a killer coffee machine hot enough for a dozen lawsuits. If his sour milk goo splash doesn’t get you, his telescoping sawblades will. The steps are iced, the whole place is freezing, but if you reach for that hot cup of coffee, you’ll burn your hands off. And you need hands for dungeoneering. Or some kind of grasping ability, mind power, or tentacle. Apothos Usage Effectiveness: Green (It better be green, given that Audit Team Six now has two, count ‘em two azure branch cultivators working for them.) Challenge Level Rating: B-Class (that IBM printer was crafted by an Iron Trunk Cultivator, but she did such a good job, we’re given her a B) Manifestation Type: Raw Cold (Glacies), Hot (Ignis), and Coffee (Various) Apothos! Those parallelogram tchotchkes are chock full of all thirteen Apothine energies) <<<>>> Cal glanced around, and yes, the stairwell looked like the inside of a freezer, and Daphne continued to drip water down, so the sides of the walls grew even more narrow and the steps even more icy. Dave slipped off a web and onto Kronke’s shoulder. “All right, my friends. Let’s see what Amorfo has in store for us. Unless you think I should stay behind in the Unhappy Hour.” Cal shook his head. “I think we’re going to need you. Inke’s dungeon wasn’t so bad, but that’s because he came and attacked us. I don’t think Amorfo, Cardi, or Barb are making the same mistake. It seems the Vanilla Master has learned his lesson.” “Or maybe while we’ve been setting up our defenses, so has he.” Gwen tightened her gauntlets, pushed her goggles over her eyes, and adjusted the earpiece. The shrimp blimp then sank down, motoring down past the ice-covered walls, past the creepy statues standing motionless on the stairs, and into the hallway that led to Amorfo’s dungeon. “If that’s the case, we might not be able to make it through Amorfo’s dungeon. He’s basically a male medusa. That has to be a sick class, right? Sick as in powerful.” Dave cleared his throat and pushed his two magical pairs of glasses tightly against his head. “Let’s just focus on the task at hand and think positive.” Gwen sighed. “I’m positive that these last three dungeons are going to be impenetrable. And where is that Perkle?” The following silence meant no one knew. Gwen sighed. “I’m uh, seeing stuff. And it’s worse than I thought. Far worse.” Cal felt his breath quicken. Was that fear or disgust on the rogue’s face? It looked like a little bit of both. Gwen motioned for them to go. “Let’s go slow. For now, there’s nothing jumping out at me. Except for, well, you gotta see for yourself.” “BE CAREFUL DOWN THERE!” Daphne yelled. Fullgeers hissed long and loudly. “Even if you fill yourselves with care, you will eventually die. For that is the fate of all mortals. To die. Perchance to dream. There’s the rub.” “Like rub for ribs?” Kronke asked hopefully. Karl weighed in. “Not that kind of rub, Kronke. The CDO, Vinnie Bluesuit used to bring leftover ribs every now and again. Not sure where he got his sauce, but they looked delicious. The trick is to boil the meat before you smoke it.” Gwen groaned. “This is not the time for a cooking lesson, Karl.” “Comes with a career in food storage, young lady.” The geezer freezer sighed happily, and the stairwell grew a couple of degrees colder. “Sometimes Vinnie wouldn’t eat them right away, and Bonaventure Brown would steal them. Ah, despite being a food thief, Bon Brown was a good guy. I wonder whatever happened to him.” “When was this?” “Oh, not too long ago. A year or two. Maybe.” The elven accountant put up a hand. “Wait. You’re telling me Bonaventure Brown was here a couple years ago? He’s not here now.” “He’s not?” Karl asked. “OF COURSE HE’S NOT!” Daphne exploded, and in the extreme cold, snowflakes came tumbling down from her outburst. “HE WOULD DO THE DISHES EVERY AFTERNOON WHEN HE WAS AROUND. WHATEVER HAPPENED TO HIM?” Even Fullgeers had something to say. “Bonaventure Brown was the best of men. He brought a certain suave class to this office hellscape. Such a pity we don’t see him as much as we used to.” Cal had a million questions. “Dave, did you ever meet Bonaventure Brown?” “Briefly. I think he was a consultant for the executives. He seemed nice. He’s the accountant that handled Mimi’s Omega Audit, right? The one where she and her mother were recruited.” Cal nodded. “Yeah. But I couldn’t find any records of his work. Then again, I didn’t know there were any number of secret filing cabinets scattered all over the place. He has to be the guy who is stopping Ji-Soo from NUKEing us, the one Barb talked about.” Dave shrugged. “We don’t know anything for sure. It might be Maya Daya from the Mind’s Eye running things…if you believe the conspiracy theories.” Gwen cut in. “Guys, we need to focus here. It’s already 10 a.m., which only gives us a couple of hours before we have to report to Ji-Soo. Also, I’m dying here. You’ve got to see what I’m seeing. It’s just so…just so weird.” Cal couldn’t stay connected to Dave’s Celestial Nodes with Dungeon Meld because he had to leave the Spidercrat’s Area of Influence. So in a wave nausea, he disconnected himself. It felt weird to just be in his body. Then they were ready to descend. Kronke, with Dave on his shoulder, went first, followed by Cal and Gwen. Helga and Hurricane brought up the rear. Cal couldn’t wait to see her new powers in action. Even Combat Decoupage. Whatever that was. They moved past the statues on the stairs all human, in various poses of screaming. Their stone faces radiated fear. Dave spoke from Kronke’s shoulder. “It could be the statues are here to intimidate us, a subtle reminder of Amorfo’s deadly power. Professor Arketa the Hellgazer would be proud. This is a good design.” The last two statues pointed with stone fingers to a dark, vast corridor, with pillars on either side that led into what looked like a courtyard. Water gurgled, as if from a fountain, which was lit with torches. There seemed to be greenery as well. Kronke’s had his scythe out, but the real light source was Dave, who held aloft one of the parallelogram flashlights. Cal’s Ruby Staff gleamed, which reflected off Helga’s Chainmail of Enduring Shine. Even with so much light, everything was so gloomy. They were moving through the pillars when a voice boomed out of the darkness. “Turn back! Turn away from the Temple, the Temple of Me!” It was Amorfo Deuce’s voice, full of an arrogance that set Cal’s teeth on edge. “Did he say it was the Temple of Me?” Cal asked. Gwen only chuckled. “Just you wait, boss man. It only gets more disturbing. Our boy Amorfo really puts the ‘sus’ in narcissus.”