Cal stood with Helga and Kronke stood near the door.

Gwen sat in a chair in the middle of the breakroom. Her goggles were strapped on her face, earpiece in place, and the trollish gauntlets covered her hands. While retrieving her own weapons, Helga had managed to grab some of Gwen’s gear, and that included her shrimp blimp controls.

When she’d told Perkle about the spy crab that the Dread Trollish Toymakers had back on during the Mimi Drybone Omega Audit, he’d come up with the idea of the shrimp blimp. It would have more arms that could grab stuff. Plus, it rhymed. Perkle had added twin magic missile cannons to the shrimp’s antennae, but what they really needed were the five pairs of hanging arms dangling from the shrimp’s underbelly.

Gwen had talked about flying, and so she and Perkle had worked on a backpack which would sprout wings and allow her to fly. Her Basic Advanced Gadgetry skill was really paying off.

From the safety of the breakroom, Gwen had connected to her shrimp blimp back at her desk. Cal used a combination of his Conference Call ability and his Triple I spell to broadcast what Gwen was seeing. So far, the spiders weren’t attacking the shrimp-shaped blimp as it floated over the office wreckage.

The spy zeppelin showed the devastation of the cubicle farm. All of the shattered desks and dismantled cube walls were covered in webs, and the worm thing was back near the corner office.

Gwen maneuvered the airship with her gauntlets. “I could try sneaking past that massive worm, so we can check out the corner office. Should I try?”

Both were good ideas, but Cal knew they didn’t have time. “We have to focus. We have less than four hours to get Ji-Soo some answers. Ideally, we’d get down to the first Celestial Node below us and capture the inner sanctum of the Web Wizard’s Wreck Room. To do that, we need to gather our assets.”

Kronke brightened. “My armor? Helga’s armor? Maybe some cookies?”

Gwen shrugged. “Something like that, big guy. But one thing at a time.”

Using the shrimp’s legs, she managed to pick up Helga’s armor and fly it back to the breakroom. They saw dozens of spiders trying to burn through the door and get into the breakroom. But the doorway looked like a big slab of coal. Ice-encrusted coal. She set the chainmail down outside the door and then flew her blimp back to pick up both Helga’s and Hurricane’s Spirt Llama sweaters. That goat loved that wool goodness.

Cal’s sweater lay under any number of filing cabinets. As for Kronke’s armor, it was too big and bulky for the blimp to pick up.

Gwen made several trips from the cubicle farm to the breakroom, but soon, there was a pile of their gear outside, including her toolkit.

Gwen then focused on Perkle’s scooter, lying underneath where the Gadget Gnome had been seized by spiders. “That’s what I really need, but it’s way too heavy for Shrimpie, even with the augmented Aer Morta mixture in its canopy and steel-reinforced hydraulics on the arm work.”

Cal loved how techie Gwen had gotten.

Kronke summoned Pinkerton. “Need scooter? Then Kronke be right back!”

“No! Wait!” Cal tried to stop the paladin, but he was too big and moving too fast.

The troll paladin threw open the door, sending ice flying, and charged out into the hall. The spider immediately flung themselves onto him.

Kronke tore some off, killed some others with the scythe, but in seconds he was racing down the hallway with a battalion of flaming spiders following him.

“Get the gear! Now!” Gwen called out. “I’ll lay down suppressing fire. Kronke! You big dummy! Get back here!”

Cal retrieved Helga’s armor, Gwen’s toolkit, and various pieces of Spirit Llama wool.

He heard the flash of the shrimp blimp’s antennae cannons, saw the flash of the blue light, and then watched as Kronke came storming back, flinging spiders off him. In one hand was the scythe, and in the other Perkle’s scooter. The smell of burning troll was not nice.

Helga joined him in the hallway, her musket at her shoulder. There was an explosion of gunfire as she fired an ice bullet into one of the spiders on Kronke. Cal managed to throw his shield behind the troll, keeping other spiders from attacking.

A second later, all three of them were back in the breakroom.

Daphne soaked the door again while Karl threw another ice bomb. Once again, they were sealed inside.

They all were gasping. Sitting on the floor, against a wall here, against the table there. Hurricane let out an excited bleat and yanked her Spirit Llama Sweater off the floor. At least the goat had her armor.

Gwen picked up the scooter and then gave Kronke a worried look.

She was right to be concerned. The troll looked cooked. Large portions of his fancy clothes had turned to ash. He’d stowed away the Pink Reaper, a.k.a Pinkerton, and sat there against the wall, still sizzling a little bit even as his natural trollish regeneration kicked in. He gave Cal a timid look. “Kronke sorry, Cal. Shouldn’t have done what Pinkerton say. But Pinkerton say I have armor. I have Laplander hat. It has Mimi’s wool. I no get hurt. But I get hurt. Pinkerton lie. That sad. But Kronke kill lots of spiders and so much Apothos around that it help him ascend to B-Class. Rank 10. Me Azure Branch guy now.”

Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

The big troll still wasn’t smiling.

But Helga was. She went up and shook her green friend by the shoulders. “Ye did it, boyo. And here we thought going into the accounting business would mean we ‘d never get more power. Yet here we are. Here we are!”

She hooted with joy.

Hurricane bleated.

Cal went over to the troll.

Kronke still looked ashamed. He kept glancing away.

Cal bent. “Look, Kronke. You survived, that’s the important part, and we gathered some things we need to get through the spiders and down into the Web Wizard’s Wreck Rooms. But I’m worried that the Pink Reaper is, uh, affecting you.”

“Affecting Kronke how?” the big troll asked.

Gwen twirled a wheel on the scooter. “Twisting your mind and turning you completely and irrevocably evil. That’s what we’re worried about, big guy.”

Kronke gave them all funny a look. “Kronke can’t be evil. Kronke holy knight of Keyblarr the Baker. Kronke good guy. Weapon bad girl. She whisper bad things. But Kronke can ignore bad voices. Like he ignore sarcasm. Or bitter reproaches. Kronke not like bitter reproaches.”

Gwen playfully punched Cal. “See? Don’t need to worry about Kronke. He’s fine. He’s just wielding a sentient weapon that goads him into suicide missions. No big whoop.”

Kronke titled his head to the side, looking like an Aldaleeran cocker spaniel. “Kronke not suicidal. Kronke holy knight. Must serve Keyblarr the Baker, silly. Kronke just fine.”

Gwen shrugged. “Okay. Whatever you say. I’m going to get working on taking our breakroom situation on the road. Anywhere can be a breakroom if you have the right mindset.”

Karl’s freezer door swung open. “What is this? You’re going to mobilize us?”

A question mark appeared on Fullgeers’s screen.

Another question mark appeared from Daphne’s faucet, the water droplets hanging in the air.

Gwen nodded. “That’s right, Karl. And I’m going to see about giving Daphne and Fullgeers voices. They’re sentient. This shouldn’t be an issue.”

More questions marks from the two appliances who didn’t talk.

Meanwhile, Karl kept the door frozen solid. The spiders were still out there, scratching at the door.

Cal got Kronke up and sat him down at a table. “Do you mind if I take a look at your matrix?”

Kronke nodded, smiling.

Helga had climbed up onto the table. She’d grabbed Ethel’s container of cottage cheese and peaches from the fridge. It was marked with her name and the words DO NOT EAT!

Cal raised an eyebrow at her.

Helga shrugged. “Might nae survive this, Calcannis. If I do, I shall purchase Ethel an orchard of peaches and a lake of cottage cheese. But more importantly, Kronke is nae the only one who might ascend to Azure Branch. I’ve reached C-Class, Rank 1, myself. I’m close.”

Cal still couldn’t believe what was happening to them. They didn’t have core gems like dungeon guardians, just normal old souls, or in their case, normal old Funk Souls. And though there were cultivation techniques, tinctures, and what not to help them level, they’d not been focusing on that. They’d only been working their butts off in dungeons, improving Nodes, and saving worlds. Any sort of leveling felt like a miracle.

Helga took a bite of Ethel’s snack and then offered it to the troll.

Kronke scooped up some cottage cheese with a finger and ate some. He made a face. “Salty, clumpy cheese. It makes Kronke sad.” He motioned to Cal. “Let’s all look at Kronke’s Funk Soul matrix. Kronke think he has new abilities. This very exciting.”

Cal used his Lower Middle Management to get connected to Kronke’s soul, and then used his Triple I spell to show the results.

<<< ۝ >>>

Sir Kronke the Charming

Funk Soul Matrix

Race: Troll

Main Profession: BFG (Big Freakin Grunt)

Champion Path: BFP (Big Freakin Paladin)

Level: Azure Branch Cultivator; B-Class, Rank 10

Primary Elemental Affinities: Vita/Aer

Racial Abilities:

* Minor regeneration

* Dense

* Keen Nostrils

* Stronk

Profession Powers:

* LCD (Lift, Carry, Drop)

* Immune to Fear and Good Judgment

* Nap On Command

Champion Augments (New Skills!)

* Holy Auras

* Aura of Courage

* Aura of Healing

* Aura of Light

* New! Holy Aers

* New! The Smell of Freedom

* New! Sweet Breezes

* New! Aroma Flight

<<< ۝ >>>

Cal went through the list, a little baffled. He didn’t know where to start or what to say.

Gwen had been under Daphne’s sink, wrenching something loose, when she sat up to get a view of Kronke’s matrix. “Wow. One of your abilities is being dense? Yeah, I can see that.”

Cal’s mouth dropped open in exasperation. “Gwen! Don’t be mean!”

Kronke only smiled. “Not mean. Kronke dense. Like both heavy and sturdy. And Kronke maybe not smart, but maybe being smart makes people sad. Being wise makes people happy. Kronke super happy. Happy better than smart.”

Gwen tipped a wrench at him. “Touche, big guy. Touche. Tell us about your Stronk ability?”

The troll smiled. “Kronke have special Kronke strength. So strong he’s Stronk!”

That made Gwen laugh. “Now that’s an ability I can get behind. Also, the Nap on Command makes me jealous. I am not what you’d call a good sleeper.”

Kronke touched one of his many burns. “Nap on Command makes me heal three times as fast. Me sleep now. Good night.” He then put his chin on his chest and fell fast sleep. In seconds. Without any effort.

Abruptly, his matrix vanished.

Gwen moaned. “I would kill to be able to do that. And I have to say, not being afraid and lacking good judgement might also be awesome. Kronke is like stupidly happy.”

Helga frowned. “This vexes me, Calcannis. We do nae know what Kronke’s new abilities are, or what they can do. Aroma Flight? Sweet Breezes? The Smell of Freedom? What are those?”

“We can ask him once he wakes up.” Cal went to Gwen. She had successfully removed the sink from the countertop. “How is it going?”

Even though it had been disconnected from the pipes, the faucet burst on, splashing water down into the basin. Daphne spoke for the first time, shouting in a loud voice. “HOW DO YOU THINK IT’S GOING? WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF SOME RANDOM WOMAN MESSED WITH YOUR PIPING, ELF BOY?”

Cal clapped his hands over his ears. Ouch.

Gwen gave him a weak smile. “I found out how to help Daphne talk. Or shout, really. Yes, it’s more shouting than talking. I apologize for that.”

Power radiated out of the sink and the coffee maker. Fullgeers hissed, and he was whispering something, but Cal could hardly hear him. The whole room vibrated with power, some of it coming from the breakroom cores, but most of it was flowing from other worlds and down into the five Celestial Nodes below.

Cal felt the surge of Apothos fill his Funk Soul. It felt like being plugged into a generator, and all that power was too much for him to handle. Hadn’t Kronke mentioned something about how all the Apothos around had helped him to ascend to B-Class? Maybe that was why the Pink Reaper had grown in power and sentience. If there were five Celestial Nodes underneath, the amount of Apothos flowing into the area would be enormous.

Before the darkness could consume the heroic accountant, Cal felt arms cradle his fall.

A voice filled his head. It said something that baffled him.

I wonder why there’s so much marketing swag in there?