Cal had seen a lot of violence since becoming a Dungeon Accountant, and he’d been shocked at some of the things he’d witnessed—dungeoneers eviscerated by monsters, crushed to death by traps, or poisoned in any number of ways. And yet, the carnage wrought by Fullgeers made him as queasy as a newbie raider facing down his first orc.

The coffee machine didn’t start with throwing scalding-hot coffee, but no, it went with something hotter. Fullgeers’s milk steamers hissed so loud, even Daphne’s voice was drowned out. A wave of foul-smelling super-heated milk cloud enveloped the spiders. Some seemed revolted. Others seemed genuinely burned, even if they were on fire. That didn’t seem to matter.

They were being hit with a cloud of vicious steam that coughed out of Fullgeers like sewage fog boiling out of a waste treatment plant. The machine didn’t pause, but then went through the door, saw arms telescoping out with sawblades spinning. A few spiders tried to drop onto the machine, but the steampunk coffee maker slashed through, flinging blood.

The face on Fullgeer’s screen was truly terrifying—slits for eyes, a mouth full of fangs, with a determination bordering on the criminally insane. Those saw blades spun and screamed even as more spiders attacked. These got hit with a lethal dose of Fullgeer’s coffee, bold and damaging. The spiders shrieked and tried to get away, but the coffee maker then sprayed the floor with spoiled cream, which by the look of it, seemed both noxious and slippery. Once covered, the spiders couldn’t climb the walls, nor could they run away. The rough spines on their legs were totally useless now.

Gwen sent the shrimp blimp out next, with antennae cannons blazing. Karl the Freezer swung from thick chains connected to the canopy, with his door closed for now. Cal had been unconscious while she’d put the blimp bomber together, but he had the idea that they’d shoved a bunch of things from the fridge into the freezer. Why, he wasn’t sure, but so far, retrofitting the breakroom appliances had been an excellent idea.

Gwen could expand and shrink the shrimp-shaped zeppelin, but to carry the freezer it had to be at its maximum size. With the freezer, it took up a good portion of the hallway. Karl would work better when he had more room.

Helga on Hurricane entered the hallway, flanking Fullgeers. Helga fired her musket, taking out a spider, while Daphne’s faucet turned and soaked another arachnid in corrosive seawater. It acted like acid, eating through the monster in seconds. The smell of melting spider filled the air.

When it was Kronke’s turn, he didn’t attack the spiders but charged through their ranks, speeding toward the cubicle farm. Spiders flung themselves onto him, but the strange pink cloak formed spikes that speared through their bodies. Others slashed at the fabric, but there was no piercing the Reaper Cloak. And when they did try and bite Kronke, his pink skin was so leathery and tough, covering unbreakable bones, their fangs couldn’t pierce it. And their flames did nothing to his flesh or the cloak.

Even better, when Kronke struck one of the spiders with his scythe now, the damage reverberated out, invisible blades slicing into spiders around the one he’d struck. In his new Reaper Knight form, with the weapon and the cloak, he now had Area of Effect attacks with the weapon.

Kronke then left the ground and flew away from the battle and down the hallway. The smell of baking cookies filled the room.

Cal figured that was the troll’s Aroma Float in action, though it was far more flying than floating. He called after the big troll, “Kronke! That’s not the plan!”

The troll yelled back, “Kronke have own plan! Be right back!”

Cal and that troll were going to have to have a long talk.

By this time, the blimp had floated farther down the hall, where spiders blanketed the floor. Some spiders tried to drop onto him, but the antennae cannons swiveled and shot them out of the air. Their dead bodies struck the ground as the blimp kept on flying. When he was above most of the spiders, Karl dropped his payload. Three frozen dinners fell from the freezer, and they hit, one after another, exploding and throwing shrapnel. Shattered Salisbury steak took out a bunch of the monsters, as did some cheese enchiladas and fried chicken. Corn fragments tore through the wall.

Frozen pudding became high-velocity debris that ripped through arachnids like they were made out of Aldaleeran papier mâché.

Some of the shrapnel hit the geezer freezer, since he was so close, but Karl didn’t seem to take any damage. That in turn protected the shrimp blimp’s envelope above him.

Cal couldn’t help but be impressed. Karl didn’t just have his cold attack—he could drop bombs now, bombs made from frozen meals that exploded like hand grenades.

The spiders tried to get away, but the blimp’s guns took them out. As did Helga’s musket and Fullgeers coffee cannon, which had a range of about twenty feet. Three scalded spiders curled up into big hairy balls as they died.

Only one remained.

It tried to flee, but Kronke had returned. The troll hurled a spectral copy of his scythe through the air and the curved blade cut the last spider in two.

Cal and Gwen were left standing outside the breakroom with nothing to do. They had watched the carnage with wide, blinking eyes.

Gwen turned to him. “Am I wrong or was that all kinda epic.”

Kronke let out a roar. “Yes! Kronke epic now as Reaper Knight with Reaper Cloak abilities! And Pinkerton now maybe doesn’t give Kronke Aer but uses the straight Morta to have AoE attacks. And ranged attacks. And Pinkerton promises not to slaughter you all when Kronke get to Mid-B. Kronke not sure he believes Pinkerton. But that won’t happen for a while. We have time. And gift for Gwen.”

The troll tossed the rogue her backpack, which could carry stuff, but it could also snap out wings which allowed her to fly.

Gwen smiled as she slipped it on. “You disobeyed orders and endangered our lives to get me my backpack. Ah, Kronke, you reckless maverick.”

Daphne had to comment. “OUR LIVES WERE NEVER IN DANGER! WE TOOK OUT THEM SPIDERS LIKE THEY WERE NOTHING!”

Cal pinched the bridge of his nose. “That’s not the point. Kronke, you can’t break ranks like that.”

The troll sighed and looked troubled. He must’ve been feeling bad because his skull face got all frowny. “Sorry, Cal. Pinkerton bad influence on Kronke. But Kronke promise to be good influence on his evil weapon with a hidden agenda to destroy all life in the multiverse.”

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The troll nodded.

Gwen laughed. “Not so hidden anymore. Are you sure you can handle Pinkerton?”

Kronke giggled manically before answering simply, “Yes.”

Cal let out a nervous breath. “This is so not helping my nerves.”

Fullgeers wheeled his scooter base down the hall, the milk steamer hissing. “Why are you idiots standing around. The main staircase is close!”

Helga grinned even as Hurricane bleated, looking rather proud, that he could carry both Helga and Daphne. And now the battle goat had a tail gunner, so nothing could sneak up behind him.

Cal hooked a thumb over his shoulder. “Do we need to go back to the cubicle farm for your armor, Kronke?”

Kronke only chuckled. “Reaper Cloak gives me armor. And spikes! Kronke have pink spikes now for bad people who try and hurt him! No Let’s go to main staircase, so Kronke can kill more things and make best friend Pinkerton happy.”

Best friend? Cal didn’t like the sound of that.

“Thank you!” Fullgeers hissed. “By the gods! Such stupidity. Simpering, stuttering, stupidity.” He really hit those S sounds well.

Gwen rolled her eyes. “There goes the neighborhood. This is fun.”

Cal couldn’t wait until he had some time, and some Apothos, and he could cast his Triple E on the Pink Reaper. Also, he had to ask Kronke about his three new Holy Aers abilities. Right then wasn’t a good time.

Cal cast Mood Lighting as a light source, though Fullgeers’s screen was bright. The place was so dark now, dark and eerily quiet.

Cal turned around to face their augmented team. “Let’s have Gwen fly the blimp ahead to see if the way is clear. Though it’s a little big. And we don’t want to lose Karl.”

Karl’s gem flashed. “Thank you, amigo. I don’t want to get lost. Just swing me around onto Fullgeers. I figure he can form a mount for me.”

Gwen then flew the freezer around, and sure enough, Fullgeers created a docking mount on his head. Fullgeers wouldn’t be able to drop his payload, but he could still throw his cold bombs.

The magical blimp then shrank down to about half its size. It buzzed down the hallway. Gwen had on the driving gauntlets, and she had the earpiece and the goggles in place, so she could both hear and see what the zeppelin saw. “All clear for now. Okay, yeah, no monsters.”

Cal nodded. “Helga, let’s have you and Hurricane lead the way, followed by Fullgeers, and then Gwen and I. Kronke, do you mind taking the rear guard?”

Kronke didn’t answer. The Reaper Cloak threw shadows across his skull face, making his expression impossible to read.

“Kronke?” Cal repeated.

Kronke’s skull face grinned. “Pinkerton thought maybe we should stab you in the back. I told her no. See? Kronke good influence.”

Cal nodded, uncertainly. “Keep being, uh, yeah, a good influence. And guard our six.”

The troll nodded.

They reached the main staircase. The concrete steps led down into Stygian darkness.

Gwen pulled out her wand. “Okay, let me and Shrimpie run some recon. Oh, wait, I can’t, right? Because how are we going to get Fullgeers down the steps? Karl can go back under the blimp, I guess, but there is no way Perkle’s scooter can make it. Perkle. Hope the little guy is okay.”

“Perkle Tinkletwerp is dead,” Fullgeers hissed. “And you are right. Creating legs would require a great deal of Apothos, and I am all but drained. How can you get me down?”

Cal tapped his Ruby Staff on the floor. “I think I can help out there. Gwen, you and Shrimpie go on. We’ll follow once you give us the go-ahead.”

Gwen saluted.

She went down the cobweb-covered steps, which circled around down about twenty feet to the basement’s entrance. But that staircase kept on spiraling down into the darkness. According to the Arcandor Initiative’s scans, Ji-Soo said there were five Celestial Nodes, which meant there were five levels of dungeons below—the basement, the subbasement, and three more subbasements. The extra Celestial Nodes had altered reality.

It was time to do some analysis.

Cal started with the Ruby Staff. He cast his Triple E spell and went over the results:

<<<>>>

Triple E Scan Results – Exogenous Manifestation

Equipment Type: Magical Wizard’s Staff

Equipment Name: Ruby Staff

Equipment History: See former book entry for complete history.

Equipment Description: The Ruby Staff is connected to the rank of its user.

C-Class, Rank 5:

* Size Adjustment (decrease only). Need a pocket-sized staff?

* Laser Focus. Telekinetically move objects 20 pounds or lighter

* Minor Shielding: Create a ruby red shield six feet tall and two feet wide.

C-Class, Rank 1 (Get your B-Class Goodies Early!):

* New! TK Oh!: The Laser Focus lets you pick up small things, and while that might be fun for playing with cats—skeletal or otherwise—the TK Oh! (As in Telekinesis is cool! Oh my gosh!) is much more powerful. Concentrate on moving things and move them. You have a maximum weight of 500ish pounds, but depending on your desire, current level of Apothos, and your general outlook on life, you can move more. Telekinesis is all about mind over matter. The more positive your mind is, the more matter you can move!

* New! Staff Smack: Use the Ruby Staff to charge attacks with a special magical oomph. It’s not really an electrical attack, nor fire, nor ice. It’s more like a magical boost of added bam. A real ruby-empowered punch!

Apothos Type: Mallus/Aer

<<<>>>

Cal had to hope that the Fullgeers/Geezer Freezer combo was less than five hundred pounds, and that included the base of Perkle’s old scooter. It was going to be close. However, it seemed that he might be able to stretch the powers given his own mental state. Such ambiguity made him nervous. As an accountant, he liked clear and concise rules.

Cal then cast a Triple A spell to analyze the power. Around him, all thirteen Apothine energies appeared in the air. He watched as the glowing energy was sucked down the stairwell and then took a left into the top basement dungeon, and then a right into the entrance of the subbasement.

The subbasement was connected to the third level by a staircase at the other end, which would make sense. To get to the third level, you had to run the dungeon. Cal could sense the fourth and fifth levels were set up the same. No single staircase led to the bottom. Between him and the fifth level Celestial Node were any number of rooms and obstacles.

From below came a flapping sound as well as a foul stink, like a wet dog. Something was moving below. Something with wings. Something that chirped.

Gwen called up to them. “Okay. All clear. I found the first room. I get that there’s a trap, but I’m not sure how to get past it. Still working on the mechanics. It’s, uh, something. And I hope you like spiders because there doesn’t seem an end to the webs. Ain’t no party like a Web Wizard’s party ‘cause a Web Wizard’s party don’t stop.”

Cal started down the stairs and picked up Fullgeers, which was already top-heavy and awkward. Stack on top was Karl, and that structure was unwieldy. The geezer freezer wheezed, “Easy there, cowboy. Don’t you drop us.”

“I’ll try not to,” Cal said, focusing his TK Oh! ability on the machinery. It was heavy—more than two hundred pounds? He thought so, but he didn’t have a scale. He was able to keep them in the air, but oh, it was stressing him out.

He had to believe he could do it. It was his mind versus the matter. He had to make this work. He had to!

He walked backward, keeping Karl and Fullgeers in the air. He went down one step, then another, then another. He was sweating up a storm. The full-sized Ruby Staff gleamed like it was bleeding. That same bloody light dripped off the Fullgeers and Karl contraption.

But slowly, painfully, walking backwards, he managed to lift the coffee machine/freezer combo down to the concrete landing of the main staircase. The steps kept on descending.

With the contraption flanking him, Cal stood at the entrance to the basement dungeon.

It was a long hallway, shrouded in cobwebs. Cheap green linoleum covered the ground. The walls were wood paneling, and not the expensive kind. Or was that plastic wood? It looked plastic. The ceiling had a grimy gray popcorn texture. The dank unpleasant odors weren’t much better than the wet dog stink coming up from the subbasement.

Gwen was at the end of that basement hallway, trying to figure out the first room’s trap.

Fullgeers hissed, “I do not like the touch of this homely elf’s mind. I am pleased to be on my wheels once more.”

Cal shook off the insult. What he looked like didn’t matter. Who could’ve known that the coffee maker had such a bad disposition?

Helga was descending the steps on Hurricane when the first shadowy creatures erupted out of the stairwell form below. Not just a few, and not little bats either. These things were the size of cocker spaniels with nightmarish faces, gleaming red eyes and fangs five inches long.

Their claws were no big deal. Just little claws. But those fangs? They weren’t teeth. They were steel. And they were coming for blood.