Largeintestine had already settled on a plan to save the abdomen tribe years ago. All she needed to go through with it was a sufficiently strong singular vampire. A vampire like Neckbrace. The cranium tribe produced the strongest vampires in the Solar System, and Neckbrace was one of the strongest vampires amongst the cranium tribe. If anyone could make sure Largeintestine’s plan went off without a hitch, it was her.

‘Would you mind explaining to us what exactly this plan is?’ asked Kidneystone, the leader of the abdomen tribe.

‘Are you crazy?’ said Largeintestine. ‘If I explained the plan then it would have to fail.’

Kidneystone furrowed his brow. ‘Why?’

Largeintestine gestured wildly in a way that said Don’t ask me, and the matter was settled.

Neckbrace sat crouched in a dark corner near one of Elvenstead’s central checkpoints. Across from her, Barry, his crew, and an extremely ill-looking Kim with two enormous lumps on her back also waited. At exactly 6:00 pm, elf standard time, Largeintestine would be taking the vampires, disguised as a high school basketball team, through the central checkpoint on the other side of the city. Neckbrace stared at her watch, trying to figure out how to read an analog clock. Was the small hand or big hand hours? Neckbrace concluded that the big hand was surely hours, since hours were bigger than minutes. After several more minutes of staring at the watch, Neckbrace was unsure yet again. Did hours move that quickly? She needed a second opinion. Neckbrace tore her mouth off and threw it to the ground, where it then grew tiny legs and scuttled over to Barry like a crab.

‘Pssst, Barry,’ she said through her disembodied mouth-crab.

‘I told ya to call me Bazza,’ Barry replied in a harsh whisper.

‘How do you read an analog clock?’ Neckbrace asked.

Barry rolled his eyes. ‘Classic Necko. Give it here and I’ll show ya.’

Neckbrace’s mouth scuttled back to her, grabbed her watch with its teeth, then scuttled on over back to Barry.

‘Oi, are you havin’ a laugh? What in the bloody hell is this?’ Barry exclaimed, inspecting the watch.

‘It’s a watch,’ said Neckbrace.

‘You gotta be jokin’. Why’s it round? What’re these sticks?’

‘I dunno. Can you read it?’

Barry seemed genuinely offended. ‘Can I read it? Mate, I’d have better luck reading the diary of a bloody Pallasian gorilla.’

Neckbrace’s mouth dejectedly scuttled back to her, then reaffixed itself to her face. Well, that was a bust. If the big hand was indeed hours, then according to the watch five hours had passed during that exchange. That didn’t seem quite right, so Neckbrace had to assume the big hand was minutes, as dumb as that sounded. The big hand was pointed at the seven, but did it mean seven in the morning or seven at night? Was the watch in twelve or twenty-four-hour time? Wait, the watch only counted up to twelve, so it was probably in twelve hour time. Unless, of course, analog watches came in pairs, one for the morning and one for the evening, and Neckbrace only had the morning one. Why would Largeintestine only give Neckbrace the morning watch? Did she intend to give Neckbrace the morning watch? Was it all a setup? Was Largeintestine reporting to her father about Neckbrace’s location at this very moment? Of course! It all made sense! Neckbrace knew it had been a bad idea to trust an elf, even one that had been turned into a vampire. Neckbrace jumped out of her hiding place, much to Barry and co’s astonishment.

This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.

‘We’ve been betrayed!’ Neckbrace cried. ‘We have to escape!’

Barry stayed perfectly still and silent, and gestured with his eyes to something just within the checkpoint. Neckbrace turned to her left. Standing under the checkpoint’s main archway was a tall, muscular elf with a crucifix and wooden stake tied to his belt. Slung over his chest was a bandolier carrying holy water vials and garlic. Tattooed across his forehead were the words I HATE VAMPIRES. He was staring right at Neckbrace. Accompanying him was some kind of horse-headed demon who hadn’t noticed her yet. Neckbrace vaguely recognized the demon as someone high up in the Satanic Order.

‘His nightmares have been quite extreme, I hope you understand,’ the demon was saying.

‘Quiet, Orobas,’ said the elf.

‘High Stakesman Van Helsing?’ Orobas asked before turning around and seeing Neckbrace standing there like an idiot.

Van Helsing smiled. He was wearing a grill over his teeth emblazoned with the words VAMPIRES SUCK. Neckbrace had to admit, he was dedicated towards his style.

Van Helsing began to mutter to himself, ‘Cranium tribe. Female. Power level approximately ten thousand. A fine specimen.’

Barry burst from his hiding spot. ‘Did you just say her power level was over nine—‘

Van Helsing held up a hand to stop him. ‘Stop, thrall. Spare yourself the embarrassment.’ He fixed his attention back on Neckbrace. ‘Tell me, cranium tribesman, for I am curious; why are vampire tribe names in lower case? Surely they would be proper nouns.’

Neckbrace shrugged.

Van Helsing nodded as if that had answered his question. ‘Of course, of course.’

‘Hey, your daughter set me up, didn’t she?’ Neckbrace asked.

Van Helsing raised an eyebrow. ‘And why would my adopted surrogate half-stepdaughter do that? Lorelei has never even met a vampire. I hardly think she would conspire with one such as yourself.’

Neckbrace deflated (not literally, although she definitely felt like doing that, too). Largeintestine hadn’t betrayed her? Or maybe the High Stakesman was just lying. To protect her ego, Neckbrace chose the latter option.

‘To try and implicate such an innocent girl…’ Van Helsing growled. ‘I don’t know why I’m surprised. Atazoth designed vampires as perfect war machines. You have little empathy for each other, and none for lesser species. An act like this is mild compared to… Have you seen what has become of Earth?’

‘… No?’ Neckbrace answered.

‘A vampire destroyed it. The peoples and cultures, lives and families, all dead. Paved over by nuclear devastation.’

Neckbrace snorted.

‘You think this is funny?’ Van Helsing asked, horrified.

Neckbrace waved her hands. ‘No, no, no, it’s just that I know the guy who did it. Never thought he’d actually pull it off. Kinda impressed, actually.’

Van Helsing gritted his teeth. ‘This is why I never make conversation with your kind.’

‘Well, you just did,’ said Neckbrace. She shrugged. ‘Sorry, jerk.’

Van Helsing drew his stake. It was made from some kind of metal. Future-alloy, Neckbrace guessed.

‘High Stakesman!’ barked Orobas. ‘Need I remind you that this… creature is an affiliate of the Satanic Order? I will you not have you harming property of Satan.'

‘Hey!’ Neckbrace pointed at Orobas. ‘The Vampire Independence Treaty of 400,000 B.C! Look it up, nerd! We’re not Satan’s property anymore!’

Orobas scoffed. ‘That treaty was hardly—‘

A small spaceship crashed into the archway above, causing the magnificent golden structure to collapse on top of Van Helsing and Orobas. Once the dust had settled, a lone figure wearing an extremely bulky insulated spacesuit hopped out.

‘Bodacious Buttface!’ cried the shrill voice of Captain Bonus, rendered fuzzy by the spacesuit’s speakers. ‘I’m here to finish the… How are you surviving without an environment suit? What’s going on here?' He turned stiffly to see Neckbrace standing just a few meters away from him.

‘I’ve made a mistake,’ said Captain Bonus.