Legcramp regained consciousness with a headache that only the complete annihilation of the Universe could have caused. He sat up and stared at the ashen mountains that surrounded him. The sky above was grey and muddy.

‘Oh, hey,’ said Armwrestle.

Legcramp turned around to see his mother perched on a strange, twisted rock formation. Half buried in ash beside her were the seemingly still-unconscious bodies of Neckbrace and Brainstem.

‘What happened?’ Legcramp asked.

Armwrestle shrugged. ‘Universe blew up. No idea where we are now, but it’s definitely not the Universe.’

From out of the thick fog that surrounded them, Plato, Kim, and Surtr appeared.

‘Told you they around here somewhere, man,’ Plato said to Kim, who rolled her eyes in response.

Neckbrace and Brainstem awoke, groaning in pain, as the three approached.

‘So,’ Plato said, clapping his skeleton hands together, ‘Midgard’s quantum toast.’

‘Where are we, then?’ Neckbrace asked.

‘I managed to sneak you all through a Bifrost crack before you could get incinerated,’ Plato explained. ‘No need to thank me, but I do take cash. Anyway, welcome to Yggdrasil. Right now we’re on the root that leads to… used to lead to Midgard.’

Kim took over. ‘You all have a few options for how we proceed. You could live out the rest of your lives amongst the dishonorable dead in Helheim…’

Armwrestle raised her hand. After a few seconds, she looked at the other vampires, who all had their hands firmly lowered. ‘Seriously? Just me?’

‘…OR,’ Kim continued, ‘you could all help me bring Midgard back.’

‘Is that possible?’ Neckbrace asked. ‘Without some BS deus ex machina, I mean.’

‘It’s possible,’ Kim said. ‘That second part is debatable, but it is possible.’

‘So, spill the beans, then,’ Neckbrace said.

Kim took a deep breath, then looked to Plato for help.

Plato sighed a skeletal sigh and said, ‘We need to blow up time.’

‘Oh, of course,’ Armwrestle said. ‘Blow up time. How reasonable.’

‘I don’t appreciate your tone,’ Plato said. ‘Anyway, to be more specific, we need to blow up time-space. The existence of vampires is rooted there, so collapsing the entire dimension would therefore retroactively erase all vampires from existence. No vampires means no Heartburn, and no Heartburn means no giant snake bomb. Theoretically, at least.’

‘I have multiple problems with this plan,’ Armwrestle said.

‘And I have multiple problems with your attitude,’ Plato replied.

‘Okay.’ Armwrestle rubbed her temples. ‘Let’s pretend for a second that we’re all totally okay with being erased from existence. If blowing up time-space stops us from ever existing, then how we will blow up time-space? It’s a paradox.’

Plato considered this for a moment. ‘Think of time… as like a plate of spaghetti.’

‘I don’t like where this analogy is going,’ said Brainstem.

‘…And the bomb that blows time up,’ Plato continued, ‘is a hungry toddler. Your actions in setting the bomb off are the sauce left on the toddler’s cheeks once he’s done eating. Makes sense?’

‘No,’ the vampires said.

Plato sighed. ‘OKAY. Time go boom. Things that made time go boom do not go boom because then time would not go boom.’

His only feedback came in the form of blank stares.

‘Listen, alright?’ Plato said, exasperated. ‘As long as you escape from the dimension before the bomb goes off, you’ll still be able to exist. You just won’t be vampires anymore. You’ll still be alive, Midgard will be back to normal, and Odin won’t add me to his collection of extremely intelligent severed heads. Don’t worry about the fine print. Any more questions?’

Unauthorized duplication: this tale has been taken without consent. Report sightings.

Neckbrace raised her hand. ‘How do we get to time-space to blow it up?’

‘Finally a sensible question,’ Plato said. ‘Kim knows a person. She'll handle it.’

Neckbrace raised her hand again. ‘How do we blow it up?’

Plato took a deep breath. ‘So. The only thing we have that’s powerful enough to blow up space-time is... four vampires. Three of you need to pour your energy into one, who will then uh… explode.’

Neckbrace raised her hand again. ‘Does the vampire that explodes die?’

‘Yes,’ Plato answered.

‘I vote Brainstem as the bomb vampire,’ Neckbrace said.

‘I second that vote,’ said Brainstem.

Plato blinked (metaphorically). ‘Really?’

‘I’m the hero of this story,’ Brainstem explained. ‘Only right for me to go out in a heroic sacrifice, yeah?’

Neckbrace snorted. ‘You’ve barely done anything. On what grounds do you get to be the hero?’

‘Oi! I was a major POV character!’

‘No!’ Neckbrace retorted. ‘I was! You just stuck your name on all my chapters!’

‘If we could all back off the fourth wall for a second, I’d like to get going,’ said Kim. ‘Heartburn’s probably survived, and if he has, then that means he’s going for the other realms. If we all agree that Brainstem’s the one that gets blown up, then let’s get onto business.’

Neckbrace raised her hand.

‘Last question,’ Plato said. 'It better be good.'

Neckbrace pointed at the charred jӧtunn, Surtr, who was now wearing shorts. ‘Why’s he still here?’

‘I’ve convinced him to be our bodyguard,’ Kim answered. ‘As long as he makes sure the plan goes smoothly and then returns to Muspelheim afterwards, I won’t tell Odin about his little Midgard adventure.’

Surtr looked slightly embarrassed.

‘Time’s not gonna wait around for us to blow it up, so let’s get moving,’ said Plato. With a snap of his skeleton fingers, the ashen, stone-like bark beneath them shuddered open, revealing a rainbow vortex within.

‘Vampires first,’ he said.

----------------------------------------

The Bifrost spat them out at the base of Yggdrasil, where one of its colossal roots impacted the vast well of Urðarbrunnr. The still waters seemed more like an ocean that a well. It was shrouded in mist, and the far shore was not visible over the cosmic horizon. The ground was smooth stone, etched with countless runes. Sitting on a carved stone bench by the edge of the well was an exceptionally tall woman.

‘Sup, Skuld,’ said Kim.

‘Yo, Skӧgul,’ said Skuld. ‘Still a Valkyrie?’

Kim nodded. ‘Still a Valkyrie.’

Skuld stood and stretched. ‘So what’s with the ensemble?’ she asked, gesturing to Kim’s companions. ‘Planning an early Halloween party?’

‘We need you to open a portal to time-space so that we can blow it up,’ Kim said.

Skuld nodded slowly. ‘Uh huh.’

‘Midgard was destroyed by vampires,’ Plato explained. ‘We need to stop vampires from ever existing to bring Midgard back.’

Skuld shrugged. ‘Good enough for me.’ She snapped her fingers and a spherical portal popped into existence. Through it, Legcramp could see the familiar kaleidoscope of time-space.

Skuld sat back down. ‘You know, this is probably an abuse of my sacred Norn powers, so you owe me one, Skӧgul.’

‘Whatever you want,’ said Kim. ‘Anyway, we gotta get moving.’

‘Have you really thought this out?’ Legcramp suddenly asked. ‘I mean, is this really the best plan you could think of? Blow up time itself? Isn’t there a genie or some dragon balls we can use to just wish Midgard back?’

‘Legcramp, that’s ridiculous,’ Kim said. ‘Now get in the portal so we can blow up time.’

‘I just…’ Legcramp said, taking a step back. ‘I just feel like I’ve blown up too much stuff, and every time I’ve done it, it just makes things worse. It’s like accelerating entropy or something.’

‘Don’t be an idiot,’ said Neckbrace. ‘Explosions are the only route to success. If you don’t help us with this, we’ll all be thrown in Helheim, whatever that means.’

‘Yeah, man,’ said Plato. ‘You can save the character development for later.’

‘I won’t do it,’ said Legcramp, digging his heels into the stone, which hurt a lot.

‘You talk to him,’ Neckbrace said to Armwrestle. ‘You’re his mother, apparently.’

‘Didn’t I tell you never to talk to me ever again?’ Armwrestle said. ‘That thing you said about whale milk still haunts me.’

‘For Eye’s sake, just talk to him, man,’ Plato said. ‘Heartburn could be here any second, and we don’t have a dozen Valkyries this time.’

Armwrestle sighed and turned to her son. ‘Legcramp…’ she said. ‘I REGRET NOTHING!’

Armwrestle turned and shot a spike of pressurized stomach acid at Skuld. The acid pierced the Norn's skull, killing her instantly. The portal snapped closed.

‘WHAT?’ Plato cried. ‘SERIOUSLY, MAN?’

Armwrestle faced her fellow vampires. ‘What kind of weak idiots are you people?’

‘Oi, I’ll have you know I have a PhD in space piracy,’ said Brainstem.

Armwrestle ignored him. ‘You’re willing to sacrifice your vampiric powers for the sake of one stupid universe? There’s eight other realms, just SITTING THERE FOR THE TAKING! We’re servants of Satan! We don’t have to listen to these lesser—‘

Surtr quickly drew his sword and slashed Armwrestle into subatomic slices, ending her existence.

‘You could’ve done that before she closed the portal,’ Kim said.

Surtr gave an apologetic shrug.

Kim groaned and fell to her knees. ‘Now we don’t have access to time-space OR enough vampires to set off the bomb!’

The Bifrost cracked open above them, and Heartburn, Elbowgrease, and an old wizardy-looking guy dropped out.

‘SOCRATES!’ Pluto cried.

Heartburn landed and broke into disgustingly sarcastic applause. ‘It seems Armwrestle died for a just cause. How noble of her. I must admit, I had an inkling that Brainstem would survive the serpent bomb. It seems those suspicions have now been confirmed, thanks to my friend here.’ He gestured to the wizard, apparently named Socrates, who gave them all the middle finger.

‘I’ve changed my mind,’ said Legcramp. ‘Let’s blow up time.’