Before Jawbreaker could break any jaws, the Apocalypse Man was on the case. With but a few lazy swipes of his glowing blade, every atom in Jawbreaker’s body had been cleanly divided into equally-sized, quantum chunks. Jawbreaker, no longer possessing a physical body, popped out of his ultimately pointless existence.

‘Cool,’ said Armwrestle.

‘Yes, very novel,’ said Heartburn. ‘Now, back to the matter at hand. Bodacious Ba—‘ Heartburn gagged at the name. ‘Bodacious Barry is still at large. The Solar System is still in danger.’

‘So, what are we supposed to do about it?’ Armwrestle asked. ‘We don’t even know where this guy is.’

‘Indeed,’ said Heartburn. ‘Luckily, I know of a way to find out. We’ll need vampire blood and some kind of writing implement.’ Before anyone could respond, Heartburn peeled the flesh off his right index finger and tore out a blood-soaked bone. ‘There. Now we have everything we need.’

Using the dripping bone as a pen, Heartburn got to work. On the dusty ground, he first drew a pentagram, then began to meticulously surround it with various runes and occult writings. ‘The pentagram is for contacting the Satanic Order directly,’ Heartburn explained as he wrote. ‘The symbols are for specifying the demon we wish to summon.’

‘We’re summoning a demon?’ Armwrestle asked.

Heartburn finished the last rune and stood up to inspect his work. ‘Not just any demon. We are summoning a personal advisor of Satan himself.’

The Apocalypse Man looked flustered. ‘I’m just gonna… go over here,’ he said, ducking behind a boulder.

‘And so, we shall begin,’ Heartburn said, closing his eyes. He took a deep breath, then slowly reached one of his arms out over the pentagram. The symbols began to glow an angry red, and demonic whispers filled their minds. Then, Heartburn snapped his fingers. The whispering stopped, and from the pentagram, a horse-headed demon arose. The demon stood with his arms outstretched, and his eyes closed. After a few seconds, the symbols stopped glowing and the demon opened his eyes. ‘Oh good, more vampires. Just what I needed,' he said.

‘Greetings, Orobas,’ said Heartburn.

Orobas groaned, his arms falling to his sides. ‘Heartburn,’ he growled. ‘I suspect you wish to know more about Bodacious Barry again?’ Orobas turned to the other vampires. ‘He’s summoned me nine times this month.’

‘Tell us the location of Bodacious Barry, Orobas,’ said Heartburn.

Orobas sighed. ‘Very well. As it so happens, I had a personal run-in with him just recently. Last I saw him, he was in the Venusian city of Elvenstead, accompanied by a cranium tribe vampire and a Valkyrie.’

‘A vampire and a Valkyrie?’ Heartburn pondered. ‘What is that demon up to now?’ He turned to Orobas. ‘No offense.’

Suddenly, the Apocalypse Man burst out from behind his boulder. ‘A VALKYRIE? IN MIDGARD?’

‘Oh?’ Orobas said with a sly, horsey smile. ‘I was not expecting to see someone of your ilk in a place like this. Anyhow, you need not concern yourself. The Valkyrie returned to Asgard with a warrior’s soul in tow.’

The Apocalypse Man wiped a bead of lava off his forehead in relief.

‘So, it appears our adversary is on Venus,’ Heartburn said. ‘But how do we get there, demon?’

‘For that, you will have your answer shortly,’ Orobas said. ‘Now stop bothering me. I’ve missed three dentist appointments because of you.’

A case of theft: this story is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

‘Hey, I have a question,’ said Legcramp.

‘Did you summon me?’ Orobas asked.

‘N…No.’

‘Then you don’t get an answer.’

And with that, Orobas sunk back into the pentagram and disappeared.

‘What were you going to ask him?’ Armwrestle said.

‘I was going to give him a paradox, like does a set of all sets contain itself or something, and see how he reacts,’ Legcramp replied.

‘What did he mean by you will have your answer shortly?’ Heartburn said to no one in particular for no justifiable reason.

Just then, Heartburn’s question that he only asked out loud so it could be dramatically answered, was indeed dramatically answered. Near the chunk of rock they stood on, a fleet of sleek, red and orange spaceships had appeared. The largest was a kilometer in length at least, although this wasn’t very impressive considering what had happened two chapters ago.

Through a loudspeaker specifically certified to work in a vacuum, a booming voice sounded. ‘BY THE GREAT ORDER OF SOLAR DEITIES, YOU ARE UNDER ARREST!’

----------------------------------------

Anticipating a future opportunity to hijack one of the ships and drive it to Venus, the vampires agreed to be apprehended. After surrendering, they had been captured in an uncomfortably warm tractor beam and dropped into a large, spherical holding cell. The cell was at least a hundred meters in diameter, and the only exit was at the very top. The sphere had been constructed from polished bronze, which was kept at a frustratingly high temperature at all times. The soles of Legcramp’s feet began melting after only a few minutes, to his annoyance. The Apocalypse Man was the only one who didn’t seem bothered by the heat. After an hour of painful waiting, the vampires decided that if they had to wait ten more minutes, they would just bust out of the cell by force. This proved unnecessary, as only a minute later, a flaming figure dropped into the cell.

‘OH! Hi, guys! Remember me?’ the flaming guy said.

‘YOU!’ Legcramp shouted. ‘You were at R’lyeh!’

Waterman Monoxide, incapable of laughing, pretended to laugh. ‘Oooh, yeah. Good times. Hey, I saw your friend Neckbrace a little while back.’

Armwrestle groaned.

Waterman Monoxide, either not noticing or just choosing to ignore her, continued. ‘The ship she was on got blown up, but she’s probably fine. So, I know what you guys are thinking: Why is a normal guy like Waterman riding with a bunch of plasma people from the Order of Solar Deities?’

‘We’re not thinking that at all,’ said Armwrestle.

‘Well, I’ve got a little confession to make,’ Waterman said, again not hearing Armwrestle. ‘I’m not actually a human, and my real name isn’t Waterman.’

‘Oh, really,’ said Legcramp.

Waterman patted the air as if calming down a rowdy audience. ‘I can see you’re all shocked, and I would be too if I were you. You see, my true name is Fireman, and I was sent by the Order of Solar Deities to watch over Earth and prevent the severe copyright infringement solar panels would cause. I have blended flawlessly amongst humans for over three months, but I am at heart, a plasma person from planet Sun.’

No one spoke.

‘Your speechlessness is understandable,’ Fireman said.

‘Did you say planet Sun?’ Armwrestle asked.

Fireman cocked his fiery head. ‘Yes?’

‘The Sun isn’t a planet.’

Fireman scoffed. ‘What else could it possibly be, then?’

‘A… star?’ Armwrestle suggested.

Fireman laughed. ‘A star? Have you ever seen a star? They’re tiny!'

Armwrestle decided to stop arguing.

‘I’m glad you’ve come around to the facts,’ said Fireman. ‘Anyway, I’ve just come to tell you guys that you’re all gonna be publicly executed in like, two hours.’

‘What? Why?’ Heartburn asked.

‘Let’s just say a planet-sized vampire fell onto and subsequently destroyed the capital of the Sun, and Helios isn’t too pleased,’ said Fireman. ‘Says we gotta kill all the vampires as revenge. Seems pretty reasonable, honestly.’

Heartburn spat at the ground. ‘Helios. Of course,’ he muttered. ‘He thinks just because he got an element named after him, all of a sudden he’s hot stuff.’

‘I wouldn’t say bad things about Helios,’ Fireman warned. ‘He was ranked as the number three Solar Deity in the latest plasma people opinion poll.’

‘Hey, quick question,’ the Apocalypse Man said. ‘I’m not a vampire. You still gonna execute me?’

Fireman shrugged. ‘Probably.’

Before the Apocalypse Man could protest, Fireman suddenly turned away and raised two fingers to the side of his head, as if he were wearing an earpiece. ‘Uh huh… uh huh… gotcha,’ he whispered to himself.

Fireman turned back to the group and said, ‘I just got informed fifteen minutes ago that there’s another vampire being picked up. Guess you guys will have company. Lucky!’

A deep shout of anger echoed overhead, then a scruffy, bearded vampire dropped in, clanging against the metal floor.

‘Oh, look. There he is,' said Fireman. ‘See you guys in two hours!’

The plasma man vanished in a puff of smoke as the bearded vampire struggled to his feet.

‘Ah, Armwrestle,’ the vampire said, his voice gravelly and strained. ‘Fancy meeting you here.’

Armwrestle smirked. ‘Likewise, dad.’