Neckbrace landed in deep, ice cold water. She couldn’t see anything. She didn’t know which way was up. Her joints were freezing and she was pretty sure some eldritch abomination just brushed past her leg. Out of all the planets, Venus was the last one she expected to get frostbite on. Then, with a mighty bang, a bright, warm light switched on. Neckbrace, using the light as a guide to orient herself, swam up and finally surfaced. She was floating in the middle of a vast underground lake. Far in the distance, she could see where the light was coming from. There was a temple of some sort, sitting on the lake’s rocky shore. From the temple’s top-most window, a spotlight shone, aimed at Neckbrace’s exact location. Neckbrace came to the logical conclusion that that’s where the Philosopher’s stone probably was. Still feeling the paradoxically cold water’s sting, Neckbrace began to swim to the temple. She didn’t get far, however, before a small rowing boat stopped her. The boat was rowed by a hooded, faceless figure, who wordlessly gestured for her to get on. Hoping that she hadn’t actually landed in the waters of Styx, Neckbrace climbed aboard. The figure remained silent as it rowed her the rest of the way to the temple. Once they docked at a small jetty on the shore, the figure vanished, leaving only its black robes lying on its seat. Neckbrace, slightly perturbed, climbed out of the boat and walked to the temple’s entrance. It was a modest building, constructed from simple stone bricks. The wooden door was aged and splintered, yet held firm at Neckbrace’s attempts to open it. Hanging beside the door, she noticed a bell. Neckbrace grabbed it, then tore it off the wall and used it to beat the door in. Stepping over the door’s shattered remains, Neckbrace entered the temple.
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The temple’s interior was a large, empty space, with unidentifiable symbols carved into the stone floor. At the far end, there was a simple alter, the only piece of furniture in the room. Sitting on the alter, to Neckbrace’s surprise, was Skeleton.
‘That wasn’t really how you were supposed to open the door, but whatever floats your boat, I guess,’ Skeleton said.
‘Hey, I’m looking for a Philosopher’s Stone,’ said Neckbrace. ‘You got one?’
If Skeleton had eyes, they would have widened just then. ‘Oh, seriously, man? Hold on, let me get into character.’ Skeleton cleared his throat, then in a deep booming voice, said, ‘So, vampire, you seek that which should not be sought. The prize that should not be won. The treasure that should not be claimed. The Philosopher’s Stone.’
‘Uh huh,’ said Neckbrace, confused as to where this was going.
‘Then tell me, vampire,’ Skeleton continued, ‘Why do you seek this Stone? What do you possibly hope to achieve with it?’
‘I dunno. Some wizard in a bush told me to get it,’ said Neckbrace.
‘HA!’ shouted Skeleton. ‘That was no ordinary wizard, vampire. That was the mighty undead philosopher, Aristotle, who has sought the Stone ever since his black heart still beat.’
‘Oh, word?’ said Neckbrace.
Skeleton suddenly broke character. ‘Listen, man, you’re not giving me a ton of material here. Could you ham it up a bit?’
‘WHAT?’ shrieked Neckbrace. ‘YOU CAN’T BE SERIOUS! ARISTOTLE? I’M SO SURPRISED RIGHT NOW!’
Skeleton seemed a little taken aback by Neckbrace’s performance. ‘That's… that’s right, vampire! The master you have sworn yourself to has been deceiving you all this time! Now, pray tell, do you still wish to help him achieve true immortality?’
This time Neckbrace broke character. ‘Oh, I didn’t know about that immortality stuff. I’m just getting the Stone because he said he can get me access to the Bifrost.’
‘Seriously?’ Skeleton said, also dropping out of character. ‘That’s it? I thought he had enthralled you or something, man. Y’know, I can just get you a ticket to the Bifrost. It’d be, like, at least fifty percent easier.’
‘Cool,’ said Neckbrace. ‘Let’s do that, then.’
Skeleton raised a boney hand. ‘Hold on, man. I still want something from you first.’
Neckbrace sat cross-legged on the floor. ‘Shoot,’ she said.
‘I had this whole thing planned out, right?’ Skeleton said. ‘I was gonna reveal my true identity, unveil an unlikely ally, it was a whole thing, man. Seems like kind of a waste just to skip past it all.’
‘I get that,’ said Neckbrace. ‘So you want me to pretend to be Aristotle’s thrall so you can do that whole thing?’
Skeleton clicked his tongue that he didn’t have. ‘Spot on,’ he said.
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Neckbrace climbed to her feet and stretched. ‘So do you wanna…?’
‘You start,’ said Skeleton.
‘What do I…?’
Skeleton flicked through a stack of papers that appeared to be a screenplay. ‘Hold on… one second…’ He found the page he was looking for and put the others down. ‘Okay, man, you say something like He is my master, I will never betray him. Don’t say exactly that, though. Get creative, man. Make a show of it.’
‘Okay, sure,’ said Neckbrace.
Skeleton waited. ‘So are you going to…?’
‘Oh, right. HE IS MY MASTER! I WILL NEVER BETRAY HIM!’
‘Wait, wait, wait, wait, man. I just said not to say exactly that.’
‘I couldn’t think of anything better.’
‘Seriously, man? You never took improv classes or anything?’
‘No.’
‘You for real, man? You’ve been alive for the entirety of human civilization and you’ve never taken a single improv class?’
Neckbrace sighed. ‘Can we just get this over with?’
‘Fine,’ said Skeleton. ‘But I wanna see some effort, alright man?’ Skeleton cleared his throat once more and boomed, ‘Perhaps you will change your mind, vampire, once you learn my TRUE IDENTITY!’
‘Nothing you can say will sway me, Skeleton!’ Neckbrace retorted.
Skeleton gave an evil chuckle. ‘Maybe you wish to know why I know so much about your beloved master.’
‘What are you playing at?’ Neckbrace demanded. ‘WHAT TRICKS DO YOU HAVE UP YOUR SLEEVE?’
‘You see, vampire, your master was once my student!’ Skeleton declared.
Neckbrace gasped. ‘No!’
‘Yes!’ Skeleton laughed. ‘I am the sorcerer supreme! The creator of the Philosopher’s Stone! I AM PLATO!’
‘Are… are you actually?’ Neckbrace asked.
‘Yeah,’ said Skeleton. ‘Don’t break character.’
‘PLATO? OH MY GOSH!’ Neckbrace screamed.
‘NOW YOU SEE THE TRUTH!’ Skeleton, or rather Plato, roared. ‘YOUR MASTER HAS SENT YOU TO DIE!’
‘It can’t be!’ Neckbrace cried.
‘OH, IT CAN BE!’ Plato smiled. ‘You see, I had always sought a true source of immortality. Others, like your pathetic master, resurrect themselves like the common zombie, but I wanted something more. Through harvesting the sap of Yggdrasil, the ore at the heart of Olympus, the armpit hair of Anubis, and the tears of the Rainbow Serpent, I created the ultimate alchemical masterpiece! Once drunk, it transformed me into a being that could create and destroy energy at will! A being stronger than the gods themselves! I have no further use for the restrictions of flesh; of paltry mortal desire! I am the Philosopher’s Stone!’
Neckbrace couldn’t think of a good follow up line, so she just gasped.
‘But that’s not all!’ Plato sneered. ‘I have been studying the dark arts to further my power! And in my studies, I learned the ancient secret to creating vampires!’
This actually surprised Neckbrace.
‘In fact,’ Plato continued, ‘I have already created one from a generous test subject! He is stronger, faster, and more intelligent than any Satan-birthed vampire! And top it all off, he is resistant to future technology and the effects of UV rays!’
Neckbrace blinked. She could see why Plato didn’t want this whole song and dance to go to waste.
‘STEP FORTH, MY MINION!’
From behind the alter, Plato’s pet vampire rose to his feet.
‘Wait, WHAT?’ Barry cried.
Neckbrace spun around to see Barry standing behind her. ‘When did you get here?’ she asked.
‘He’s been here the whole time, man,’ said Plato.
‘Yeah, I jumped in after ya, boss,’ Barry said. ‘Thought you noticed.’
‘You’re too stealthy for your own good,’ Neckbrace said. ‘Also, wait WHAT?’
Plato’s vampire was none other than Captain Bonus.
Plato got back into character and continued his monologue. ‘BEHOLD! The ultimate vampire, Captain Bonemarrow!’
‘So, Bodacious Bed-wetter,’ said Bonemarrow. ‘It looks like the shoes on the other foot, now!’
‘Do you still wish to serve your master?’ Plato demanded with a sickening grin.
‘YOU WILL NEVER MAKE ME BETRAY MY MASTER!’ Neckbrace screamed.
Plato’s smile dropped. He had quite the range of facial expressions for a skeleton. ‘So be it,’ he said. Plato then dropped character and clapped his hands. ‘So, that’s a wrap! Good job everyone. I felt a lot of emotion from you in particular, Neckbrace. Keep that up. So, same time next week?'
Captain Bonemarrow leaped forward and slapped Neckbrace’s head off.
Plato flipped through his papers. ‘This isn’t in the script…’ he muttered.
‘I WILL DESTROY YOU!’ Bonemarrow screeched.
‘Hey, calm down there, man,’ Plato said.
‘YOU CAN’T CONTROL ME!’
Plato looked sheepish. ‘Well, this might be a problem.'
Neckbrace had just managed to reform her head before Bonemarrow kicked in her stomach hard enough to turn her internal organs to diamond. Neckbrace tried to block his next attack with her arms, but his fists sheared through her bones as if they were made of sponge cake. With a badly-executed karate chop, he chopped her body into two symmetrical halves, his speed creating enough friction to instantly cauterize the wounds. Bonemarrow’s techniques were unrefined, but his strength was beyond any vampire Neckbrace had ever faced. She might as well have been a human trying to fight Thor. Neckbrace needed more strength. She needed an ally. She merged her halves back together and scrambled out of the way of Bonemarrow’s furious swipes.
‘BARRY!’ she roared. ‘GET OVER HERE!’
‘Aight,’ said Barry, strolling over to where Neckbrace was desperately dodging attacks. ‘What do ya need?’
Neckbrace extended her fangs, impaling Barry’s neck. ‘Ow,’ said Barry. In one slurp, Neckbrace drained every last drop of blood from Barry’s veins, causing him to flop to the ground like a dead leaf. Ducking below a roundhouse kick, Neckbrace screwed her eyes shut and whispered some Satanic nonsense that all vampires had seared into their brains. In all her years, she had never done anything like this before. Neckbrace had just never thought she would make a good mother. Summoned from the boiling pools in the depths of the Sheol, Barry’s veins began to fill with a new liquid. Vampire blood. Bodacious Barry was dead, and in his place, the vampire named Bodacious Brainstem sat up.
‘Noice,’ said Brainstem, flexing his Satanically enhanced muscles.
‘HEY, PUNCH THIS GUY FOR ME!’ Neckbrace cried.
‘Sure thing, mum,’ Brainstem said, zipping forward and cracking his knuckles against Bonemarrow’s skull. Bonemarrow keeled over in pain. Brainstem was much less powerful than him, but now it was two against one. They had a chance. Before the fight could commence, however, the temple suddenly shook with a thunderous boom. Then someone burst through the broken front door.