‘Neckbrace,’ said Skӧgul-But-Her-Friends-Call-Her-Kim, ‘Do not fight this man. He has slain countless vampires. Your superior strength and speed mean nothing to him.’

Neckbrace blew a raspberry. ‘Don’t worry, don’t worry. I have a secret weapon.’

‘Lemon juice won’t work either,’ Kim warned.

Neckbrace gasped in horror. ‘Okay,’ she said shakily. ‘That’s okay. I’m cranium tribe. I can beat him even without lemon juice.’

‘Have you ever heard of the vampire Toothache?’ Van Helsing asked, butting into the conversation.

‘Former champion of the cranium tribe?’ Neckbrace answered warily.

Van Helsing pointed at a pair of fangs stitched into his coat’s sleeve. ‘These are his.’

Neckbrace pursed her lips. ‘Hey, Barry!’ she called out. ‘Why don’t you take this one for me?’

‘Sorry, boss!’ Barry called back. ‘I’m on lunch!’

‘Huh?’ Neckbrace said. ‘Lunch? You’re my thrall, you don’t get lunchbreaks.’

Barry took a bite of his sandwich and shrugged. ‘I’m unionized. It’s out of your hands, boss.’

‘Unionized?’ Neckbrace asked, incredulous. ‘That goes against the entire point of undead slaves. When did you get unionized anyway?’

Kim stepped in, cutting the conversation short. ‘Let me handle him. I’m an Asgardian warrior trained under Odin. An elf with some vegetables strapped to his shirt has nothing on me.’

Neckbrace took a deep breath and pushed Kim out of the way.

‘You know what?’ Neckbrace said. ‘I’m gonna fight him.’

‘I’m just about ready to fight anyone at this point,’ Van Helsing said. ‘So, I hope you’ve made up your mind for real this time.’

‘This is a bad idea,’ Kim warned.

‘Yeah, but it’ll be really cool,’ Neckbrace replied, stretching in preparation.

‘Before we fight,’ Van Helsing said. ‘I would like to tell you the story of my past.’

‘Do you have to?’ Neckbrace asked.

Van Helsing pulled a sheet of paper from his pocket and unfolded it. He cleared his throat and began reading. ‘I was not born on Venus like many of my elven brethren, no. I was born in the realm of Alfheim, amongst the first of my kind. For three hundred years of my life in Alfheim, I saw no strife, no struggle. My people were at peace. I was at peace. Then the Dark Elves came, and for the first time in my life, I felt the cold touch of evil. It was during this time that--'

‘Is this going anywhere?’ Neckbrace asked. ‘Does this have a point?’

Van Helsing sighed and dug around his pocket some more, eventually pulling out a large stack of folded papers. He unfolded each paper one at a time and scanned through them before finally settling on one in particular.

Van Helsing cleared his throat again and read, ‘In conclusion: I hate vampires.’

‘Cool, that was really interesting,’ said Neckbrace. ‘Can we fight now?’

Van Helsing growled, shoving the papers back into his pocket. ‘Fine. So be it.’

Neckbrace sprinted forward, instantly breaking the sound barrier, and drove her supersonic fist right into Van Helsing’s face.

‘Puncho Stopeth!’ Van Helsing cried, and Neckbrace’s fist stopped mere millimeters from his elven nose.

Surrounding Neckbrace’s wrist was a circle of floating runes, tied together with intricate patterns. Sorcery.

Love this novel? Read it on Royal Road to ensure the author gets credit.

Neckbrace narrowed her eyes. ‘Ah. You’re a wizard.’

‘Vampireth Deconstructo!’ Van Helsing shouted.

Neckbrace’s skin peeled off. Then, each individual tendon in her body unraveled and floating into the air around her. Her nervous system detached itself from her skeleton and hovered away, bringing her brain with it.

‘Ow, ow, ow,’ Neckbrace said as her bones separated and formed a floating ring around her internal organs. Her blood vessels coiled into a tightly wound rope. Her stomach split in half and the acid within spilled to the ground. Neckbrace watched it all from her now disembodied eyeballs, suspended fifteen meters above the ground.

Van Helsing drew his stake and grabbed Neckbrace’s exposed heart.

‘Easily dispatched,’ he said, readying to stab.

Neckbrace did the only thing she could. The lemon glands within her eyes squirted a stream of juice towards Van Helsing. The vampire hunter spun around, detecting the attack, and screamed, ‘Lemoneth Redirecto!’

The juice darted away from him and onto Barry’s sandwich. ‘Cheers, mate,’ Barry said.

Van Helsing scoffed. ‘Did you honestly think—‘

A string of Neckbrace’s muscle had wrapped itself around Van Helsing’s neck. The distraction had worked.

‘Undo the spell!’ Neckbrace’s vocal cords said.

‘The… the lemon… one?’ Van Helsing choked out.

‘The one before that!’

‘Gack!’ Van Helsing coughed. ‘No! I… will… never submit… to a vampire!’

‘Dad!’ a voice called out. Neckbrace’s eyeballs swiveled around to see Largeintestine, AKA Lorelei, standing down the street.

‘One… one second… Lorelei,’ Van Helsing said. ‘I’m… a little… busy!’

‘Undo the freakin’ spell!’ Largeintestine demanded.

Neckbrace’s muscle rope tightened. ‘Wha… WHAT?’ Van Helsing croaked.

‘You heard me,’ said Largeintestine. ‘Undo the spell or I’ll go home and smash your dumb vase collection.’

Van Helsing’s eyes looked like they were about to pop out of his head. ‘Vampireth… Deconstructo… Undoeth!’

In an instant, Neckbrace’s body snapped back together, every part going approximately where it should. Van Helsing, recovering from both the choking and his daughter’s betrayal, was left wide open for an attack. Neckbrace raised her leg up and swung it down, intending to decapitate the kneeling vampire hunter in a single blow. She was too slow.

‘Attacko deflecteth!’ Van Helsing shouted, turning around and batting Neckbrace’s leg out of the air like it was nothing. Neckbrace went in again with a karate chop, but Van Helsing pulled out a crucifix and slapped her across the face with it, causing Neckbrace to recoil in pain. Vampires weren’t actually weak to crucifixes, but being slapped in the face with a chunk of wood still hurt. Before Neckbrace could try another attack, Van Helsing withdrew a vial of holy water and threw it at her. The vial broke open on Neckbrace’s face and she realized it was actually holy hydrochloric acid. While Neckbrace’s melted eyes struggled to reform under the burning liquid, Van Helsing prepared for his finishing move. He positioned his hands by his side as if he were holding an invisible ball and slowly began to chant.

‘KAAAAAAAAAMEEEEEE—‘

Van Helsing’s spell was suddenly interrupted by his head exploding. Neckbrace finally got the acid out of her eyes to see Largeintestine standing over Van Helsing’s headless body, her fist covered in elf blood.

‘Piece of cake,’ said Neckbrace, cracking her knuckles. ‘Nerd never stood a chance.’

‘He was destroying you until I stepped in,’ Largeintestine said. ‘He would have killed you if I hadn't watermeloned his face.'

Neckbrace raised a finger. ‘That was just part of my plan. I intentionally distracted him, so you could get the drop on him. I did, like, 90% of the work there.’

Largeintestine sighed. ‘Whatever lets you sleep at night, I guess.’

Neckbrace strolled over and gave Van Helsing’s body a kick, just to make sure. ‘So, you okay with killing your own dad?’

Largeintestine snorted. ‘I’m a vampire. I’m literally incapable of feeling anything other than okay with it.’

‘Good point,’ said Neckbrace.

Suddenly, Kim cheered in triumph and flew towards them. Neckbrace thought she was going for a hug, but instead, the Valkyrie went for Van Helsing’s corpse.

‘Finally!’ Kim said, burrowing her hand into Van Helsing’s chest cavity with a sickening crunch. She grabbed ahold of something and began to pull. Neckbrace expected a rib or internal organ to come out, but instead, Kim pulled out a transparent, ashen copy of Van Helsing himself.

‘What… what’s going on?’ asked the ghostly Van Helsing.

‘You’re a warrior who’s slain countless foes and just died in battle,’ Kim said. ‘Do you know what MEANS?’

Van Helsing’s ghost blinked. ‘… Huh?’ He didn’t seem as sharp as his living self.

‘VALHALLA!’ Kim shrieked in excitement.

Seeing Neckbrace’s confusion, Kim explained. ‘The afterlife industry’s been cutthroat ever since Anubis died. The other pantheons keep snatching up souls before us Valkyries can get there. Hades had to hire fifteen more boatmen to handle all the souls he's been getting, but Valhalla hasn’t gotten a new warrior in decades! When Odin sees this, he’ll have to forgive me for hanging around Midgard!’ Kim turned to Van Helsing’s soul. ‘You ready to go?’

‘…Huh?’ said Van Helsing’s soul.

‘That’s what I like to hear!’ Kim turned around and began frantically waving at the sky. ‘HEY HEIMDALLR!’ she shouted. ‘I GOT ONE!’

There were fifteen seconds of silence, then the very air before her split open, revealing a shimmering vortex of color. A vertical slice between realms.

Kim gave everyone a wave and said, ‘Smell ya later!’ then stepped into the Bifrost with Van Helsing’s soul. The vortex closed behind her, and she was gone.

Barry finished his sandwich and walked over to Neckbrace. ‘Hey boss, ya got any more of that lemon juice? Stuff’s bloody delicious. Hey, where’s Kim? She’s gotta try this.’

Neckbrace ignored him and looked around. Something didn’t seem quite right. Then, she realized why. Captain Bonus had vanished, and so had Orobas.