‘Can I offer some constructive criticism?’ Plato asked.
Heartburn turned to him, a manic glint in his eyes. ‘Of course.’
‘Your idea sucks.’
Heartburn smiled. ‘Your criticism has been noted.’
‘See, this is the problem with creating a self-replicating army of obscenely overpowered psychopaths, man,’ Plato said. ‘Sooner or later one’s gonna try and destroy the Universe. And now here you are, trying to destroy the Universe.’
‘Are you done?’ Heartburn asked. ‘Are you finished?’
Ten massive metal spheres impacted the ground around them, and from each one poured legions of armed plasma people, who surrounded the vampires, weapons at the ready.
‘YOU ARE ALL UNDER ARREST!’ one, presumably the commander, shouted.
A reptilian folded into existence besides Heartburn and hissed something in his ear. Heartburn raised his well-groomed eyebrows. ‘It seems the Bomb has been completed. Now all that's left is to charge it. How exciting.'
‘STOP IGNORING US!’ the plasma commander shouted.
‘Sorry, we’ll be with you in a second,’ Armwrestle said.
‘Listen, Heartburn,’ said Captain Bonemarrow. ‘I despise that Bodacious Bigmouth as much as you, but I believe your plan may be a little…’
Heartburn looked upon the super vampire with disdain. ‘If you did hate Brainstem as much as I, you would see that any approach less extreme would be insufficient.’
Legcramp decided to step in. ‘Listen, I destroyed Earth in every timeline…’
‘You did what?’ said Armwrestle.
‘… And I can tell you that it wasn’t worth it,’ Legcramp finished.
‘If you’re trying to persuade me to change my mind, you aren’t doing a very good job,’ Heartburn said.
Neckbrace walked over to Plato and leaned in close to say, ‘Hey, get me out of Midgard ASAP and I’ll make it worth your while.’
Plato raised a skeletal hand. ‘No can do. This is a vampire issue. You’re a vampire. Help fix it. Besides, you’re broke.’
Neckbrace grumbled some obscenity, then turned to Heartburn. ‘Skeleton wizard says I gotta kill you.’
‘Okay,’ said Heartburn. ‘Fair enough.’
‘Armwrestle?’ Legcramp asked.
‘Yeah, I’ll fight him,’ said Armwrestle.
‘Uh, I’m going to fight him too,’ said Bonemarrow meekly. ‘I like the Universe.’
‘Oi, put me down for the tussle, too,’ Brainstem said.
‘Okay so that’s—‘ Armwrestle began.
‘YOU’RE UNDER ARREST!’ the commander shouted again. ‘STOP TALKING!’
Armwrestle ignored him and continued. ‘Okay, so that’s Legcramp, Neckbrace, Bonemarrow, and Brainstem for fighting him. Apocalypse Man?’
‘Actually,’ said the Apocalypse Man, taking a seat on a pile of rubble. ‘Seeing Midgard get blown to smithereens is in my best interests, so I’ll sit this one out.’
Armwrestle nodded. ‘Fair enough. Dad?’
‘Yeah, I’m gonna betray you now,’ said Elbowgrease.
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Armwrestle blinked. ‘Wait, what?’
Before she could react, Elbowgrease shot forward and elbowed her with his greasy elbow.
‘PREPARE TO FIRE!’ the commander ordered. The plasma people readied their plasma rifles.
‘THREE!’
Armwrestle shoved Elbowgrease back into Heartburn, who smacked him out of the way.
‘TWO!’
‘Are we doing this?’ asked Legcramp. ‘Is this happening?’
‘ONE!’
Bonemarrow uppercutted Heartburn into the flagship high above, then jumped after him. The rest of the vampires followed just in time to dodge the plasma firing squad.
Heartburn had been launched through half the flagship’s decks, leaving him entangled in twisted metal near the reactor. Neckbrace reached him first, her fist impacting against his jaw hard enough to smash him the rest of the way through the ship and into Venus’ orbit. The reactor overloaded, then exploded, launching the rest of the vampires into space on its shockwave. As they exited the thick atmosphere, Armwrestle was the first to spot Heartburn. She extended her arms a hundred times their normal length, grabbed onto Heartburn’s ankles, then swung him in a wide arc into the nearest orbital angel. The angel jumped in fright, then impaled Heartburn with her angelic spear in retaliation. Armwrestle retracted her arms, dragging Heartburn close, and head-butted him hard enough to temporarily liquefy his skull. Heartburn roared with anger, pulling the spear from his chest and attempting to decapitate Armwrestle with it. Armwrestle dodged backward, leaving room for Legcramp to fly in and tackle Heartburn away. They fell back into the atmosphere, becoming streaks of fire in the yellow sky. Legcramp punched Heartburn. Heartburn punched Legcramp. They impacted the ground. Brainstem followed soon after, landing directly on Heartburn’s head. Heartburn, headless, jumped up and sprinted at a measurable fraction of the speed of light to the nearest mountain range. He ripped a mountain out of the ground and threw it at the quickly approaching Bonemarrow, who dodged it with ease. From a kilometer away, Bonemarrow launched into a dropkick. Less than a second later, his feet hit Heartburn’s stomach, causing it to explode with the force of a planetary collision. Heartburn, his head now reformed, shrugged off the pain and grabbed Bonemarrow by the throat. Legcramp, who had burrowed underground, popped up behind Heartburn and karate chopped him in the neck. Grunting in frustration, Heartburn let go of Bonemarrow and keeled over. From the sky, Neckbrace dropped out of nowhere, landing on Heartburn in much the same way as Brainstem had. Not giving her foe a chance to recuperate, Neckbrace quickly adjusted the molecules of her right hand to become gunpowder. With her gunpowder hand, she grabbed onto Heartburn’s face, then raised her body heat enough to ignite it. The blast put him out of commission for a solid few seconds. Before Heartburn’s smoldering head could reform, Armwrestle showed up with both her arms transformed into angry rhinoceroses. She unleashed them both upon Heartburn, but he quickly dispatched them with ease. However, the rhinos were only a distraction. Legcramp had gotten a combat idea from the Omega Timeline, and he had just gotten the window to execute it. Now having transformed into a bat, Legcramp plastered his leathery wings over Heartburn’s eyes, blinding him. This would not slow Heartburn down, however, as he quickly created a new pair of eyes on the back of his head. Heartburn tried to take a step forward, but tripped over, as Brainstem had tied his shoelaces together. Neckbrace quickly stomped Heartburn’s body in half, then picked up his legs and threw them as far away as she could.
‘YOU FOOLS CANNOT STOP THE REPTILIAN BOMB SQUAD!’ Heartburn squawked.
Out of thin air, five reptilian warriors appeared, wearing armored spacesuits and wielding sick katanas.
‘SSSSSSSSSFSSSSSSSSSFSFSSSSSSSFFFFFSSSSSS!’ one of them hissed, pointing at Brainstem.
‘Yes, precisely!’ Heartburn cried. ‘He is the enemy!’
‘SSSSSSSSFFFSSSSSSSSSSFSFSS?’ the reptilian asked.
‘He is too strong to kill with conventional weapons!’ Heartburn explained, still trying to tear Legcramp off of his original eyes. ‘That is why we must use the Bomb!’
The reptilian stepped forward and chopped Brainstem in half with its sword. It turned to Heartburn and cocked its head expectantly.
‘That must have been a decoy Brainstem,’ Heartburn said.
‘Ow,’ said the very real Brainstem.
‘SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSFSSSSSSSSSSSSSSFFFFFFFFSSSSSSSSSSS,’ the reptilian hissed angrily.
‘Oh come on,’ Heartburn pleaded. ‘Wouldn’t you like to see this Universe destroyed anyway?’
The reptilian looked thoughtful. ‘SSSSSSSSSS…’
‘Yes!’ Heartburn cried. ‘Exactly! So just set off the Bomb once it’s ready!’
The reptilian nodded. ‘SSSFSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSF.’
The reptilians then unceremoniously popped back to whatever dimension they came from. Heartburn immediately returned to trying to tear Legcramp off his face. Before he could manage it, however, the sky above them cracked open, revealing a gorgeous rainbow light. From the light came a dozen warriors wearing intricately carved armor. On large feathered wings, the Valkyries flew down to greet the vampires.
‘G’day Kim!’ said Brainstem to one of them.
‘Odin wants you idiots to quit it,’ said the Valkyrie apparently named Kim. ‘Especially the one called Heartburn. The folks up in Asgard don’t like the idea of Midgard going bye-bye very much.’
‘How does Odin even know what we’re doing?’ Neckbrace asked.
Kim gestured to a nearby tree. In the branches, two ravens were perched.
‘Ah,’ said Neckbrace. ‘Right.’
Heartburn cackled. ‘Once I’ve destroyed Midgard, I’ll go after the other realms, too! Every plain of existence, every afterlife, I WILL DESTROY THEM ALL!’
‘Please don’t,’ said Kim.
Heartburn tore Legcramp off his eyes, then jumped up and punched Kim in the face.