Everyone was very confused, and Neckbrace was no exception. There she was, minding her own business, watching her son/thrall fight a super vampire created by an immortal Greek philosopher, and all of a sudden Legcramp, Armwrestle, two vampires she didn’t recognize, and a naked man with charred skin had burst into the temple. One of the vampires she hadn’t seen before (he was slender with neatly combed hair) looked like he was having a stroke. The other unfamiliar one (who was bearded and disheveled) was downing a beer, which struck Neckbrace as strange, considering vampires couldn’t get drunk.

‘Hi... everyone,’ said Neckbrace, giving an awkward wave.

‘G’day,’ said Brainstem.

‘SILENCE!’ roared the slender vampire. ‘DO YOU NOT RECOGNIZE YOUR ARCH FOE WHEN HE STANDS BEFORE YOU, BODACIOUS BARRY?’

Brainstem raised a finger. ‘Aight, first of all, it’s Bodacious Brainstem now, and second of all, who are you?’

‘I. AM. HEARTBURN,’ the slender forced out through shaking rage.

‘Oh!’ Neckbrace said, lighting up in realization. ‘This is the guy you have dirt on!’

‘Aaaah,’ Brainstem said, nodding. ‘That’s right.’

‘SILENCE!’ Heartburn screamed again. ‘SO, BAR- I MEAN BRAINSTEM, I NOW SEE YOU CAME TO VENUS TO BECOME A VAMPIRE! A PLAN AS CUNNING AND UNDERHANDED AS YOU ARE!’

‘Nah, that just kinda happened,’ Brainstem said with a shrug. 'I came here for a new ship. Still haven't got it.'

Legcramp butted in. ‘Hold on,’ he said. ‘I have multiple questions.’

‘Uh, shoot,’ said Neckbrace, who was still weirded out by the disparity between Legcramp’s appearance and age.

‘This is the evilest person in the Solar System?’ Legcramp asked Heartburn, gesturing to Brainstem.

‘YES!’ Heartburn screeched back. ‘HAVE YOU NOT BEEN LISTENING TO MY PASSIONATE SPEECHES?’

Bonemarrow chuckled. ‘I see this Bodacious Bonobo has more enemies than just yours truly. AS EXPECTED.’

‘Question two.' Legcramp gestured to Bonemarrow. ‘Who’s that guy?’

‘Dunno,’ said Brainstem. ‘Never seen him before.’

‘LIAR!’ Bonemarrow shouted.

‘YES!’ Heartburn agreed. 'LIAR!'

‘Okay,’ Legcramp continued, taking a deep breath. ‘Question three…’

‘I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!’ Heartburn squawked, rushing forward and elbowing Brainstem in the throat. Chaos erupted. Neckbrace jumped onto Heartburn’s back, trying to pry his fingers out of Brainstem’s eye sockets. Bonemarrow attempted to get between Heartburn and his prey, screaming, ‘HE’S MINE! HE’S MINE!’

Armwrestle shrugged and decided to join the fray for the heck of it. Bonemarrow tore Heartburn in half and threw the vampire’s severed legs at Legcramp, who grabbed them and threw them back like javelins. Armwrestle kicked Brainstem in the spine, briefly paralyzing his lower half. Heartburn quickly grew his lower body back and tore the flesh off his own chest, revealing an array of gnawing, gnashing ribs, like the mouth of some horrifying beast. Armwrestle tried to force Brainstem’s head into Heartburn’s meat grinder ribcage, but Brainstem quickly snapped his neck back to avoid it. Batting the legs out of the way, Bonemarrow leaped forward and grabbed Legcramp by the neck. Using him as a club, Bonemarrow swung Legcramp into Heartburn, knocking him out of the way, then kneed Brainstem in the jaw hard enough to pop his entire head off, which splattered against the crumbling temple ceiling. The headless Brainstem then wondered directly into the flying fist of the alcoholic vampire, who laughed and said, ‘I don’t know who any of you friggin’ people are!’

Neckbrace clapped her hands onto the alcoholic vampire’s hand, squishing it into a red pancake, then dropkicked his body across the temple. Before she could turn around, Heartburn grabbed her from behind and suplexed her into Brainstem’s body. Neckbrace jumped to her feet, only to be head-butted by the rock-hard skull of Bonemarrow. Things got worse. Blood, guts and bones flew left, right and centre. Thunderous shockwaves shook the air with every titanic blow. The temple collapsed around them as the seven vampires’ battle devolved into an all-out free-for-all, bloodlust and adrenaline obscuring the line between ally and foe. The naked charred guy had gone to sit and chat with Plato, but Neckbrace was too engaged in the fight to pay attention to their conversation. Then, the cave’s entire ceiling collapsed, revealing Venus’ sky above them, partially obscured by a fleet of sleek, orange and red spaceships.

Stolen from its original source, this story is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

‘VAMPIRES!’ the flagship announced. ‘GIVE YOURSELVES UP OR FACE THE WRATH OF THE ORDER!’

The vampires stopped fighting. Once Neckbrace had regenerated her internal organs, she shouted back, ‘THE SATANIC ORDER?’

‘NO, THE OTHER ONE,’ the flagship announcer said. ‘THE ORDER OF SOLAR DEITIES. WE’VE BEEN MEANING TO CHANGE THE NAME. ANYWAY, ARE YOU SURRENDERING? HELLO? CAN YOU HEAR ME? ARE YOU SURRENDERING?’

Neckbrace turned to Legcramp and Armwrestle. ‘What have you idiots gotten yourselves into?’ she asked.

The pair shrugged apologetically.

Neckbrace groaned and rubbed her eyes. She just wanted to go jump into some Muspelheim volcano already and be done with it. ‘How did you find me anyway?’ she asked. ‘Why did you find me? I thought I ended things pretty definitively.’

‘We weren’t trying to find you,’ Armwrestle said, her dislike of Neckbrace still strong. ‘We just happened to run into you. Trust me, I don’t like it any more than you do.’

‘You expect me to believe that?’ Neckbrace said. ‘That out of all the holes to fall into in this stupid Solar System, you just happened to fall into the same one as me? Don’t you realize how ridiculously contrived that sounds?’

‘It’s what happened,’ said Legcramp. ‘Guess we were just unlucky.’

‘REPENT!’ Heartburn roared, punching Brainstem in the face. Unlike the others, he hadn’t stopped fighting.

‘Come on, Burns,’ Armwrestle said. ‘Timeout.’

‘I WILL NEVER CEASE MY BATTLE AGAINST EVIL!’ Heartburn retorted, grabbing Brainstem in a headlock.

‘I think she’s got a point, mate. How bout we talk this out, yeah?’ Brainstem coughed.

The flagship announcer piped up again. ‘HEY, UH, IF YOU GUYS DON’T SURRENDER SOON, WE’RE GONNA HAVE TO SHOOT SOME ANTI-VAMPIRE MISSILES AT YOU. CAN… CAN YOU JUST TELL ME IF YOU CAN HEAR ME? I’M NOT REALLY GETTING A LOT OF FEEDBACK HERE.’

Brainstem grunted in annoyance as he tried to force his way out of Heartburn’s grip. ‘Mate, seriously. If you don’t let me out, I’m gonna haveta release that picture.’

Heartburn inhaled sharply and let Brainstem go. He backed away slowly, his eyes wide with fear. ‘You wouldn’t…’ he muttered.

Bonemarrow stepped forward, tapping Heartburn on the shoulder and whispering, ‘We both hate this Bodacious Brickhead for our own reasons. If we team up, we can…’

‘No,’ said Heartburn, his manic rage solidifying to a steely resolve. ‘He is too strong. It’s time for my ultimate plan.’

‘You joking?’ Brainstem said. ‘You’re ten times stronger than me, mate. You’re just too embarrassed by that dumb pict—‘

Heartburn quickly shushed him, then continued. ‘You are all familiar with my organization, the SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSFSSSSSSSSSSSS?’

‘Pretty sure that acronym’s been butchered to hell, but sure,’ said Legcramp

Heartburn scoffed. ‘Quite the contrary. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSFSSSSSSSSS is not butchered at all. It is the organization’s true name. Other versions are mere… localizations. You see, it is not an acronym, but a phrase. Translated into English, it means Reptilian Bomb Squad.’

Plato, who had been passively watching this whole affair, suddenly stood up. ‘Oh no,’ he said. ‘I don’t like where this is going.’

‘The prospective Wizard Bomb Squad was merely a test,’ Heartburn continued. ‘Wizards are not nearly powerful for my true plan, and when Agent 3 hired vampires instead, I knew that it would only be a matter of time until I had to turn to the real plan.’

‘I’m ninety percent you’re just making all this up as you go along,’ Neckbrace said.

Heartburn kept going. ‘AND NOW, that time has come.’

‘Oh no no no,’ Plato said, stepping forward. ‘This is a very bad idea. The Reptilians are—‘

‘Did I ask for your opinion?’ Heartburn said.

‘OKAY, SINCE YOU GUYS SEEM TO JUST BE IGNORING US, WE’RE GONNA LAUNCH THE MISSILES NOW,’ said the flagship’s loudspeaker.

Heartburn smiled and snapped his fingers. The missiles launched with a sky-cracking boom, but they did not hit. Holding onto each missile, stopping it from impacting the ground, were a dozen scaly lizard men wearing futuristic-looking spacesuits. Reptilians.

‘SSSFFSSSSSSSSSSSFFSSSSSSSSSSSSSSFFSSSSSS,’ hissed one.

‘Yes, excellent work,’ Heartburn applauded. ‘Add them to the bomb.’

The Reptilians, along with the missiles, popped out of the existence. A few seconds later, they appeared again, but the missiles were gone.

‘Originally, the plan was to disable Brainstem’s defenses then blow up the Sun, ensuring he freeze to death,’ Heartburn continued, unaware of how much his exposition was boring everyone. ‘But the problem with that plan is that Brainstem could merely travel to a different star, and live out his disgusting life in its warmth. Luckily, my interdimensional friends here have an excellent understanding of the fabric of reality. With enough explosive matter, they can trigger a massive chain reaction, splitting every atom in the Universe and exploding existence itself, thus ensuring that there will be nowhere for Bodacious Brainstem to run to. It’s a flawless plan if I do say so myself.’

Everyone was silent. Awkwardly so.

‘EXCUSE ME, WHAT?’ said the flagship’s loudspeaker.