Because it would be too conspicuous, and because it would advance the plot too quickly, Neckbrace and Armwrestle had decided to travel to R’lyeh as tourists rather than jump directly into the city as vampires. Donning their best disguises (consisting of novelty glasses with fake noses and mustaches attached), they had perfectly infiltrated a tourism submarine heading to R’lyeh from the mainland. Neckbrace was itching to see Legcramp get knocked down a few pegs, and she figured Armwrestle felt the same. When she really thought about it, all Legcramp had actually done to Neckbrace was kick her a bit, so maybe her quest for his blood was a little unwarranted, but Neckbrace didn’t care. Having definitive goals was good for one’s mental health. Armwrestle’s motives, however, seemed to run deeper. She had some kind of primal interest in finding Legcramp, more than Neckbrace had previously realized. Neckbrace finished covertly draining the blood from the tourist next to her and turned to Armwrestle.
‘So what beef you got with Legcramp?’ she asked.
‘Don’t talk to me,’ Armwrestle replied, staring out the window to her left. Fish, ancient leviathans, and extremely lost scuba divers rushed past as the tourism submarine made its way to the city. Spotting a whale outside, Neckbrace decided to lighten the mood with some trivia.
‘Hey, did you know whale milk can be as thick as toothpaste?’
Armwrestle shot Neckbrace a nasty death stare. ‘Literally never talk to me again,’ she said.
It was worth a shot, at least.
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As Neckbrace was just beginning to grow hungry once more, the submarine’s speakers crackled to life.
‘Evening, folks. This is your captain speaking. It appears R’lyeh has been overrun by a skeleton army, so I’m gonna turn this baby around and get the heck outta here. Next stop’s Rapture. If you still wanna get off here, the doors are unlocked.’
‘See, told ya he’d want to go to the FSSSSSS’ hub first.’ Neckbrace said.
Armwrestle, still holding to her promise never to verbally communicate with Neckbrace again, simply stood and made her way to the submarine’s screen door. Neckbrace shrugged to the corpse beside her in exasperation, then shuffled out of her seat.
The pair stepped out into the cool, refreshing, crushing pressure of the deep ocean. Armwrestle, wanting to waste no time, immediately jumped off the side of the submarine and began rapidly swimming towards the underwater city, which was paradoxically on fire. Neckbrace made sure to close the door behind her as a courtesy, then shot off after Armwrestle.
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They busted in through an airlock to find that the city was as much on fire inside as it was out. As they had gotten closer to the city, it had become clear that most of it had collapsed, and the buildings still standing were in quite the state of disrepair. Regardless of whether or not he had found the SSSFSSSSS hub yet, Legcramp was certainly kicking off his conquest of Earth with a bang. Speaking of bangs, one happened as soon as Neckbrace and Armwrestle turned a corner into a large, indoor park. With the bang came Legcramp himself, bursting through the floor, locked in combat with a man made of fire.
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‘IT’S YOU!’ Neckbrace shouted, pointing at the fire man.
Legcramp and the fire man stopped dead in their tracks.
‘Oh hey, Neckbrace,’ said the fire man, whose name Neckbrace remembered as Waterman Monoxide. ‘How’s that government job going?’
‘Oh great,’ Legcramp said before Neckbrace could respond. ‘My two least favourite people have arrived. How’d you find me?’
‘I had a hunch,’ Neckbrace said.
‘I seconded that hunch,’ Armwrestle added.
‘So I guess you guys all know each other? That’s cool,’ said Waterman.
‘Why are you here?’ Neckbrace asked. ‘What even are you?’
‘Both valid questions,’ said Waterman. ‘I’ll get out of your hair.’
With a puff of smoke, Waterman vanished into thin air, likely to reappear again at some other unexpected moment.
‘I don’t suppose either of you two have decided to help me take over and then subsequently destroy this planet?’ Legcramp asked.
‘I wouldn’t mind a little bit of global genocide but you’re taking this thing way too seriously,’ Neckbrace replied.
‘You’ve gotta give this thing a rest, Leg,’ said Armwrestle. ‘Vampires aren’t planet-busters. We’re opportunistic predators.’
‘That’s not what the book said,’ Legcramp said.
Armwrestle stomped, cracking the ground beneath her. ‘FORGET THE GOD DAMN BOOK! I knew it would be a terrible birthday present, and I WAS RIGHT.’
‘THAT BOOK IS A WORK OF ART!’ Legcramp screamed.
‘IT WAS A 7/10 AT BEST!’ Armwrestle screamed back.
‘THAT’S STILL ABOVE AVERAGE IF YOU UTILISE THE ENTIRE 10 POINT RATING SYSTEM!’
‘THE ARTWORK WAS LAZILY EXECUTED!’
‘IT WAS A DELIBERATE DECISION BY THE ARTIST TO MAKE THE POP-UP FEATURE WORK BETTER!’
‘THE POP-UP FEATURE WAS JUST A CHEAP GIMMICK!’
‘WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?’ Neckbrace screamed.
Legcramp and Armwrestle, the faces red with anger, turned to her.
Armwrestle was the first to explain. ‘I bought Leg this pop-up book on nuclear apocalypses for his twelfth birthday. It was an impulse purchase. Never should’ve got it.’
‘That pop-up book changed my life!’ Legcramp interjected.
‘You’ve only had it for three weeks!’ Armwrestle replied.
‘IT CHANGED MY LIFE!’ Legcramp shrieked, smashing a nearby tree in frustration.
Neckbrace made a T sign with her hands. ‘Timeout, timeout. How old are you, Legcramp?’
‘He’s twelve,’ Armwrestle answered.
Neckbrace looked at the tall, muscular, bald vampire named Legcramp. ‘You look four-hundred, at least,’ she said.
‘I’m an early bloomer,’ Legcramp explained.
Neckbrace sucked in air through her teeth. She turned to Armwrestle. ‘And… who are you to him?’
Armwrestle gave an exasperated sigh. ‘His mother. Not that he would tell you.’
Neckbrace suddenly found all her desires of revenge had been replaced with a profound confusion. She threw her arms in the air and began to walk backwards.
‘This is too weird,’ she said. ‘You guys have fun. I’m out.’
Neckbrace kicked off the park’s packed dirt and shot through the ceiling faster than a bullet. Seawater engulfed her for seconds, then she was out in the open air, wind rushing past her. She passed an airplane. The air grew thinner. Clouds shrunk beneath her and the sky darkened. The Earth was now just a blue orb in the distance. She shot past the mysterious giant cube that orbited the planet, focusing her attention on the bright star in the distance that was her home planet Venus. Finally, Neckbrace had realized that Earth was just not worth bothering with.