‘As we all know,’ said Nosebleed Prime as he paced in front of the captive vampires, ‘We vampires are weak to UV radiation.’

‘If we all know this then why are you telling us?’ asked Armwrestle.

‘Clumsy exposition is a demon we must all face at some point in our lives,’ Nosebleed explained. ‘Anyway, Earth’s magnetic field and Venus’ army of orbital angels normally protect us from the harshest exposure, and as long as you stay beyond Venus’ orbit, any damage sustained in the vacuum will still be rather minimal. This got me thinking. What if you were to put a vampire in space closer to the Sun than Venus? Closer, even, than Mercury? Perhaps even so close, that they are literally inside the Sun?’

‘So you’re gonna throw us into the Sun?’ said Legcramp.

Nosebleed stopped pacing. ‘You see, about that… I wasn’t sure whether or not the results would be worth it, so I traveled forward in time to when I had already done it and asked my future self if it was worth it.’

‘Was it worth it?’ asked Armwrestle.

Nosebleed bared his pointed teeth in an unsettling smile. ‘Oh, it was worth it.’

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Nosebleed’s time machine also naturally worked as a spatial teleporter. If the machine couldn’t move through space, every jump through time would merely land it in some random spot in the galaxy where the Solar System had been, or was going to be. Unlike those ridiculous fictional time machines, real time machines were useless without such a function. Nosebleed Prime had wandered off to prepare his time machine for a teleport to the Sun, leaving his three prisoners still straining under the grasp of his many doppelgangers. One of the Nosebleeds on Legcramp was holding his arm in a weird position and it was starting to get seriously uncomfortable.

‘So, how are we gonna get out of this?’ Legcramp asked.

‘You’re not,’ said the Nosebleed holding his arm in a weird position.

‘I wasn’t asking you, nerd,’ Legcramp growled.

‘Hey, maybe we can survive being thrown into the Sun,’ Armwrestle suggested.

‘Seriously?’ said Legcramp.

Armwrestle shrugged, or at least tried to. ‘We managed to survive a point-blank nuclear apocalypse, and the Sun is basically just a never-ending apocalypse, right?’

‘I am afraid you are mistaken,’ said Heartburn. ‘The previous Sun was a nuclear fusion reaction, entirely harmless to vampire-kind.’

‘The… previous Sun?’ Legcramp asked.

‘It was replaced,’ Heartburn explained. ‘To combat the surge of space-faring vampires, an extrasolar appliance manufacturer was hired to replace our Sun with a magical orb that produces UV radiation. Do either of you know what UV radiation really stands for?’

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‘Ultraviolet?’ said Armwrestle.

Heartburn scoffed. ‘That’s what they want you to think, but if you really put some thought into it, ultraviolet doesn’t mean anything. How can violet be ultra? Violet is already as violet as violet can get. Anything more is just absurd. No, UV radiation truly stands for Unhappy Vampire radiation, because it makes vampires unhappy.’

Legcramp opened his mouth to object, but then decided against it.

Heartburn continued. ‘What I am trying to say is, we cannot survive being thrown into the Sun. Even going so close as Mercury is risky.’

‘So like I said, how are we gonna get out of this?’ Legcramp asked.

As if on cue (probably actually on cue) a small, green, ugly man waddled into the room.

‘I think I can help,’ said the Apocalypse Goblin.

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‘Ah, I knew you would come!’ exclaimed Heartburn.

‘Can it, Burns,’ the Goblin snapped. ‘I’d love to let you psychopaths die in that thing you call a star, but you still gotta be alive to fix this mess. So here’s what you gotta do—‘

Something massive fell through the ceiling and crushed the Apocalypse Goblin, killing him instantly. A trickle of glowing green water poured through the hole above as the massive thing shifted under the rubble. Slowly, it climbed to its feet, twisted metal plating and green goblin blood falling off its muscular, grey back. It was easily three meters tall (or six goats for imperial system users). The thing turned around, and Legcramp realized it was a vampire.

‘I AM JAWBREAKER!’ the vampire roared. ‘BREAKER OF JAWS!’

Jawbreaker darted forward and punched one of the Nosebleeds in his face. The Nosebleed shot back and smashed into the far wall so fast it looked like he had teleported. Jawbreaker cackled. The palm of his massive right hand split open and a torrent of blood spilled out. Before the blood could hit the floor, it floated back up and pooled into a floating ball in Jawbreaker’s hand. One of the Nosebleeds holding onto Armwrestle let go and ran towards Jawbreaker. Jawbreaker laughed and rammed the blood ball right into the Nosebleed’s stomach. The ball exploded, reducing the Nosebleed to a pile of quivering giblets. Armwrestle, seeing her opportunity, grabbed the other Nosebleed holding her down and flung him into Jawbreaker’s face. She darted over and tried to do the same to the Nosebleed holding Legcramp’s arm in a weird position, but the element of surprise had been lost. The entire room had become a storm of chaos. Nosebleeds leaped about the place, desperately attempting to keep the prisoners restrained whilst also battling this new foe. Blood and guts and lemon juice coated the walls. Heartburn had managed to get free like Armwrestle and was now fighting off half a dozen Nosebleeds. Jawbreaker, despite his laughter, seemed to be getting overwhelmed but the sheer amount of attackers. The Nosebleed holding Legcramp’s arm in a weird position kicked Armwrestle away. She felt several bones shatter and her liver squirm its way out of her belly button in fright. Venusian vampires were no joke. Before she could jump back in to give it another shot, Heartburn beat her to it. Out of nowhere, he rocketed forward and karate chopped the arm of the Nosebleed holding Legcramp’s arm in a weird position off. With a series of lightning-fast punches, Heartburn knocked the other Nosebleeds away long enough to free Legcramp.

‘WE HAVE TO GO!’ Heartburn shouted over the mayhem. Legcramp and Armwrestle nodded in agreement. After dodging several grasping Nosebleeds and the wide reach of Jawbreaker, the trio managed to escape to the hall outside. The victory was not long-lived, however, as a small legion of Nosebleeds were rounding a corner to the left, presumably to check out the commotion.

‘We have to find the time machine!’ Heartburn said as he began running in the opposite direction of the approaching legion. Armwrestle and Legcramp followed after him. Heartburn, being the original designer of the SSSSSSSSSSSSSSFSSS facilities, knew the layout like the inside of his eyelids. He guessed that Nosebleed Prime would be keeping the time machine in the most secure place possible, so that's where they would head.