Agent 1 held up a finger. ‘Wait. You people are vampires?’
Legcramp and Armwrestle slowly nodded in unison.
Agent 1 thought to himself for a moment. ‘Why… are you here? On Earth, I mean.’
‘Because you hired us?’ said Armwrestle.
‘No, no, no, that can’t be right,’ said Agent 1. ‘I very explicitly told Agent 3 to hire wizards. Vampires would likely just set off the bombs as soon as they saw the button. It took all my willpower not to do it myself.’
‘Well Agent 3 hired vampires,’ said Armwrestle.
Agent 1 growled. ‘I knew I couldn’t trust him. I would kill him myself, were he not already a smoldering pile of ash.’ He turned to Legcramp. ‘I assume you were the one who set off the bombs?’
Legcramp shrugged. ‘You got me.’
‘I imagine the Apocalypse Goblin has already instructed you to kill your past self, then?’
Legcramp nodded, feeling slightly bewildered.
‘Good!’ Agent 1 clapped. ‘Let’s be off then.’
As Agent 1 began walking off in a seemingly random direction, Legcramp and Armwrestle looked at each other with mixed feelings of confusion and concern.
‘I… blew up the bombs and destroyed the world,’ Legcramp said, as if confessing to a crime.
Agent 1 stopped and looked back. ‘Yes, you did. A shame, that, but the past is in the past. Well, it won’t be for long, but you get what I mean.’
‘You’re not… mad?’ asked Legcramp.
Agent 1 smiled. ‘Why would I be? It’s not your fault. It’s Agent 3’s for hiring you against my orders. Besides, as long as we can defeat The Enemy, it doesn’t matter how many deaths we cause. The ends always justify the means, after all.’ Agent 1 turned and started walking again. ‘Now, keep up! We have a long walk ahead of us!’
Armwrestle and Legcramp glanced at each other once more, then followed after him.
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As one might expect from the owner and founder of the SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSFS, Agent 1 had the exact locations of all facilities across the globe memorized, including the western one where the time machine was held.
‘So how does a vampire find himself in charge of a human organization?’ Armwrestle asked as they trekked across the dead plains of America.
‘Ah, funny story, that,’ said Agent 1. ‘Back on Venus I was a vindicator, a kind of bounty hunter for stray vampires. One day I had to chase a fugitive all the way to Earth. I never found the fugitive, but I did find something far more important. Knowledge. Knowledge of The Enemy’s existence. Once I learned of the threat The Enemy poses to us all, I abandoned my role as a vindicator and founded the SEGSGFTSESGOTG.’
This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.
‘The what?’ Legcramp said.
Agent 1 looked at Legcramp, his expression nonplussed. ‘The Secret Evil Global Shadow Government For The Secret Evil Shadow Governing Of The Globe, of course. What else could it stand for?’
‘Did you come up with all these acronyms yourself?’ Legcramp asked.
‘Why, yes!’ Agent 1 beamed. ‘It’s a personal hobby of mine, in fact.’
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Tired of all the walking and acid rain, the three vampires took shelter in a crumbling gas station. The cashier at the station had actually been still alive, albeit with several more heads than what was considered fashionable. After seeing the vampires, however, the cashier’s heads had launched into some kind of civil war with each other, eventually ending with mutually assured destruction. Armwrestle ending up using his body as kindling for a campfire.
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Legcramp sat cross-legged, staring into the foul-smelling flame. He had a lot of conflicting feelings buzzing about in his head. Far more than what could accurately be described in a 1000-2000 word chapter. To make a long story short, they generally revolved around Legcramp being responsible for the desolation of an entire planet. A common problem faced by many contemporary preteens. Agent 1 handed Legcramp a fossil to chew on and a can of blood to drink.
‘Oh, there’s some Genghis Khan in this one,’ Armwrestle said as she took a swig of her blood can.
Agent 1 chuckled. ‘Ah, I remember that fellow. I wonder what became of him.’
‘I think he died or something,’ said Armwrestle.
‘Ah, a shame,’ Agent 1 said. ‘Perhaps I shall resurrect him sometime.’
Armwrestle took a bite of her fossil. ‘Hey, I wanna ask you something.’
‘Please do,’ said Agent 1.
‘What’s your vampire name? Because I’m guessing it’s not Agent 1.’
Agent 1 titled his head. ‘Vampire name?’ he asked.
‘Your real name. Y’know, a body part and a word relating to that body part. Like Armwrestle, Kneecap, Kidneystone, etcetera, etcetera.’
Agent 1 raised his eyebrows in realization. ‘Ah, of course! I was called Heartburn.’
Armwrestle froze. Her grey skin seemed to turn even greyer. ‘What was the name of that fugitive you said you chased here?’
Agent 1, or rather Heartburn, put a finger to his chin. ‘Ahhh… hmmm… Elbowgrease! That was him. I do sometimes wonder what became of him.’
‘…Yeah.’ Armwrestle’s voice was small. ‘Hey, Cramps. Follow me, we need to have one of those mother/son talks.’
Confused, Legcramp stood up and followed Armwrestle outside.
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With the light of Earth’s cubic moon blocked by radioactive smog, the night was totally pitch black. In the distance, Legcramp could make out the glowing green eyes of mutant predators. Armwrestle led him into the darkness and out of Heartburn’s earshot.
‘Elbowgrease is my dad,’ she whispered. ‘Your grandfather. He told me about Heartburn when I young.’
‘So what?’ Legcramp whispered back.
Armwrestle leaned in close. Even with the body mass Legcramp had collected, she was still taller than him. ‘This Heartburn guy’s bad news,’ she whispered. ‘He’s one of the strongest vampires to ever live. Chest Tribe. If he finds out we’re related to—‘
‘Oh, don’t worry,’ said Heartburn, who had somehow snuck up on them without them noticing. ‘I have no interest in finding Elbowgrease. At least not yet.’
‘Not yet?’ Armwrestle said, grabbing Legcramp’s shoulder and slowly backing up.
‘Oh no, we have to defeat The Enemy, first! The Enemy takes priority! I will let the whole Solar System fall into ruin before I let The Enemy out of my clutches!’
Legcramp shrugged off Armwrestle’s hand and stepped forward. ‘Okay, who is this Enemy?’
Heartburn laughed. Not a sensible, polite laugh like before, but a manic, uproarious howling. ‘WHO IS THE ENEMY?’ he shrieked. ‘THE ENEMY IS THE MOST DESPICABLE, MOST HEINOUS, MALEVOLENT, NEFARIOUS, EVIL BEING TO EVER EXIST. OF COURSE! YOU KNOW OF WHO I SPEAK, DO YOU NOT?’
‘I don’t—‘ Legcramp began.
‘YES, INDEED! IT IS THAT VILLIAN BODACIOUS BARRY, AND HIS DASTARDLY CREW! THE MOST WICKED PIRATES TO EVER SAIL THE SOLAR SYSTEM!’
As Heartburn collapsed into a shrieking mess, Legcramp sat down on a nearby rock and held his head in his hands. Not only was Agent 1 an immensely powerful vampire with a contract to capture Legcramp’s grandfather, he was completely insane, too.