The incredibly convenient time machine was shaped like a quad bike with a trendy touch-screen display, the futuristic-ness of which made Legcramp very uncomfortable. As Sigma explained, the new intuitive time machine interface allowed the user to easily hop between timelines, without all the comically convoluted levers and pull cords of the previous designs. Available now for only the low, low price of $4999.99, paid in ten monthly installments! Order yours today! Bidding Sigma and the weird time-space farewell, Legcramp keyed in Timeline Alpha on the display, wincing as he fingers sizzled against the cutting edge technology. Just as he was about to confirm his destination, he remembered something important. The Apocalypse Goblin had commanded him to undo the nuclear apocalypse using a time machine. Going back to the Alpha timeline would just put him in the middle of the post-apocalyptic wasteland with the beefy Nosebleed and mildly insane Heartburn. He had to go somewhere else. A timeline where he hadn't destroyed the Earth. This was his opportunity to fulfill his divine mandate. He didn’t really want to fulfill it, and with the Apocalypse Goblin dead it’s not like anyone actually cared, but Legcramp had a job to do, and he was going to do it.

‘Which timeline is furthest from Alpha?’ he asked Sigma.

‘Um, Omega, obviously?’ Sigma replied in a very out-of-character tone.

‘Right,’ Legcramp said, punching in Omega 1 on the display. ‘Omega it is.’

He pressed the go button, which, in keeping with the non-linear time flow aesthetic the time machine's interface had, actually said og. Then Legcramp was there. He was expecting some kind of winding wormhole-like tunnel with giant ominous clocks flying past, but instead, the time travel was instantaneous. Just pop and there he was. If Legcramp’s life was being told in some kind of narrative format, it would’ve been very anticlimactic.

He had popped into some random, very not bombed, human-built street. Normal, human houses lined either side of the street. Some humans were outside mowing their lawns, but no one seemed to have noticed Legcramp arrive. Legcramp parked the quad bike on the sidewalk and climbed off of it, shielding his eyes to the Sun. The Sun. It didn’t hurt. It was actually quite pleasant. Was the Omega timeline that different? Maybe he had gone too far back, before the artificial, vampire-harming Sun was installed. Legcramp checked the display. Nope, it definitely said The 1960s or something. Perplexed, Legcramp turned around to see a young human child starting at him.

‘You can’t park there, you know,’ said the child.

‘Human child,’ said Legcramp. ‘What year is it?’

‘I dunno, the 1960s or something?’ the child replied. He was carrying an overstuffed backpack. Perhaps he was on his way home from school?

‘Where are the nuclear bombs in this timeline?’ Legcramp asked.

The child shrugged. ‘I dunno. Are you a Russian spy?’

‘A what spy?’

‘Russian. Y’know, the country? With the communists?’

Legcramp had never heard of it. The Omega timeline was weird. ‘What planet is that on?’

The child blinked. ‘… Earth?’

‘If they’re spies, Heartburn’s probably in charge of them,’ Legcramp muttered to himself.

Stolen novel; please report.

‘I… should probably get going,’ said the child, turning to leave.

Legcramp grabbed him by his backpack. ‘Wait! I have one more question, small human child.’

‘Don’t call me that,’ said the small human child.

‘What’s wrong with the Sun?’ Legcramp asked.

----------------------------------------

Legcramp sat on a decorative pillow in the child’s basement. He didn’t know how it had come to this, but apparently the child was immensely interested in Legcramp’s vampirism. After the child had assured his mother that there were absolutely no vampires in the basement and she should not even bother checking, the questions began. The child sat cross-legged on another decorative pillow across from Legcramp. For some reason, he seemed extremely familiar.

‘So you’re an alien?’ the child asked.

‘No, I was born on Earth,’ Legcramp replied.

‘But your ancestors are aliens?’

Legcramp sighed. ‘No, they’re from Venus.’

‘… Which means they’re aliens,’ the child said.

Legcramp pinched the bridge of his nose. ‘Venus is in the Solar System, alright? Which means they’re not aliens.’

‘But they’re from another planet,’ said the child, ‘Which means they definitely are aliens.’

‘Since when does just being from a neighboring planet make you an alien?’ said Legcramp. ‘I can jump to Venus from here.’

‘Can… can you actually?’ asked the child. ‘Jump from here to Venus?’

‘Yes!’ exclaimed Legcramp, stunned that the child apparently could not.

The child took a deep breath. ‘Okay. Let’s start over. I’m Lee. What’s your name?’

‘Legcramp.’

Lee snorted. ‘Seriously?’

Legcramp scowled. ‘What? You think our names are funny? They were given to us by the Satanic Order itself! Symbolizes our mastery of flesh or something, I don’t know.’

Lee’s eyes widened. ‘Wait, Satan?’

‘Most powerful political position on Venus, what about it?’ Legcramp said, folding his arms. He was getting tired of Lee’s questions.

‘Satan’s on Venus? I thought he was like, underground or something.’

‘Are we done yet?’ Legcramp said.

‘No! Wait!’ Lee cried, flailing about. ‘Uhh… how old are you? I’m twelve, but you’re probably like a thousand or something, right?’

Legcramp froze. He forgot he was twelve, too. ‘Uhhh…’ he said. ‘Tweeelve…thousaaand…million?’

‘Woah,’ Lee said. ‘Can you turn people into vampires?'

'I... could?' Legcramp answered. 'But my mom says I'm too young, still.'

Lee cocked his head. 'I thought you said you were twelve thousand million years old?'

Legcramp sweated. 'Uhhh...'

'Can you turn into a bat?’ Lee asked.

Legcramp stood up. ‘Okay, I’m leav— wait, can I turn into a bat? Why would I ever want to turn into a bat?’

The door at the top of the basement stairs opened and a woman stepped in. ‘Lee, I’ve brought more… lemon…’

‘MOM!’ Lee screamed.

Legcramp stood dumbfounded. Her skin was light pink instead of grey, her hair was brown instead of black and she had no fangs, but the woman was undoubtedly Armwrestle.

‘Armwrestle?’ Legcramp said.

‘Lee? Who is… this?’ the weird, human Armwrestle asked.

‘Just a… just a friend, mom!’ Lee explained unconvincingly.

Then it hit Legcramp. Lee was him. A version of him in which he had been born a human, in which Armwrestle had been born a human. Lee looked shockingly similar to how Legcramp had looked before absorbing more biomatter to beef himself up. With Lee’s extreme ignorance of basic concepts, it’s possible that the Omega timeline was even more different than he thought. What if all the vampires were human? What if the Satanic Order didn’t exist? What if Mars hadn’t been taken over by a robot empire? What if Mercury was actually good? No, that last one would be too ridiculous. But still, Legcramp had clearly made a huge mistake choosing such a different timeline. He rushed up the stairs, pushing past human-Armwrestle. He burst out the front door and onto the street. The quad bike wasn’t there. The street wasn’t there. He was in a large, metal room. Legcramp spun around. The room was behind him, too.

‘You took quite the scenic route, but I see you’ve made it all the same,’ said the Apocalypse Goblin.

Legcramp turned back to the front. The Apocalypse Goblin stood beneath a giant array of hundreds of bright, red buttons.

‘I thought you…’ Legcramp began.

‘You thought I was dead?’ the Goblin chuckled. ‘Fool. I am a deity. The God of Apocalypses. Nothing can kill me. Before you stands your divine trial. Each of these buttons launches nuclear bombs in a different timeline. As a servant of the Demon King Satan, your trial shall be to not press a single button for thirty seconds. That’s it. That’s the challenge. Piece of cake, right?’

Legcramp gulped. His fingers already itched.