Neckbrace was momentarily lost in the sheer time machinieness of the time machine that she didn’t notice Barry sneaking the collar back onto her until it had already happened.

‘Gotcha!’ said Barry as Neckbrace’s power drained away. ‘Sorry ‘bout that but we both know you’d try’n escape without that collar on.’

Neckbrace didn’t have the strength to argue. ‘…Fair,’ she rasped. She really hated collars.

‘Anyway,’ Barry continued, walking over to the time machine, ‘I’ll just give me boys a ring and we’ll lug this beaut right outta here.’

‘NOT SO FAST, BODACIOUS BONE-HEAD!’ cried a voice from behind Neckbrace.

Neckbrace spun around to see a human in an old-timey sailor outfit with a large sun emblem pinned to his hat.

‘Ah, crap,’ said Barry. ‘G’day, Bonus.’

‘Ever the slimy rat, I see,’ said the guy apparently named Bonus. ‘It’s a good thing my Solar Sailors were hired to protect this ship, or you may have gotten away with it.’

‘Lay off, mate. This time machine is legitimate salvage,’ Barry replied.

Bonus tilted his head in bewilderment. ‘No it isn’t.’

‘Ah, got me there, mate.’

‘I’ve had enough of your games, pirate,’ said Bonus as he fiddled with something on his watch. ‘I think it’s time you met my latest recruit. I don’t suppose you’ve ever fought a vampire before?’ Bonus put his watch up to his mouth and spoke. ‘Jawbreaker, come to cargo hold fourteen immediately!’

Neckbrace raised a hand. ‘Hey, uh…’

‘One moment please,’ Bonus said, then leaned back into his watch. ‘JAWBREAKER! CARGO HOLD FOUR! TEEN! NOW! ARE YOU THERE? JAWBREAKER?’

‘I already fought him,’ Neckbrace said. ‘Ate his head and kicked him into space.’

Barry perked up like he had just remembered something. ‘Oh yeah, this is Necko, my new recruit. She’s a vampire.’

Bonus spun on his heel and powerwalked out of the room.

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With the time machine safely chucked into the disaster Barry called a cargo hold, the BB Gun was off to deliver it to its buyer. Neckbrace sat across from Waterman in the cafeteria, dejectedly sucking on a bag of Pallasian gorilla blood.

‘What’s the matter?’ asked Waterman, leaning forward on his flaming elbows.

‘What are you, a psychiatrist?’ Neckbrace asked, throwing the blood bag aside in frustration. Pallasian gorilla blood tasted like expired milk.

The narrative has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

Waterman shrugged. ‘Well, I am licensed.’

Neckbrace decided to go for it. ‘I’m tired, Waterman.’

‘I see,’ Waterman said, nodding as if he knew what he was talking about. ‘Why are you tired, Armwrestle?’

Neckbrace raised an eyebrow. ‘Armwrestle?’

‘Wait, which one are you?’ Waterman asked.

‘Neckbrace. I’m Neckbrace.’

Waterman slapped his fiery forehead. ‘Oh wow, that’s embarrassing. I’ve been thinking you were Armwrestle this whole time. Has anybody ever pointed out that vampires all look basically the same?’

‘Can we get back to my therapy please?’ Neckbrace asked through gritted teeth. ‘I’m this close to spiraling into suicidal depression’

‘Right, of course.’ Waterman attempted to clear his throat, but didn’t seem physically capable of doing so. ‘Why are you tired, Neckbrace?’

‘Every time I think I’m about to go home, some dumb thing comes along and stops me. It’s like I’m in a bad anime filler arc.’

Waterman nodded sympathetically. ‘I know what you mean. Sometimes I feel like my entire life so far has been a bad anime filler arc.’

Neckbrace continued, ‘And what’s worse is I don’t even know why I want to go home. It’s like five hundred degrees there and half the planet is ruled by Satan. I’d be better off on Mercury, probably.’

‘Wow, don’t say that,’ said Waterman. ‘Venus is way better than Mercury.’

Neckbrace sighed. ‘I know, I know. Mercury sucks. I’m just frustrated, y’know? What do you think’s up with me?’

‘I think you’re dangerously close to spiraling into suicidal depression,’ Waterman said.

Neckbrace blinked. ‘Y…Yeah, I know. I said that.’

‘Good talk?’ asked Waterman.

‘No, not good talk.’

Waterman leaned back and stretched. ‘Good talk.’

‘Are you actually a licensed psychiatrist?’ Neckbrace asked

Waterman looked at her. ‘I never said that.’

Before another page of witty dialogue could occur, the ship’s highly irritating klaxon alarm sounded.

‘WARNING!’ a computerized voice shrieked from the speaker system. ‘DANGER IS HAPPENING HERE! PLEASE PROCEED TO THE NEAREST LOCATION IN WHICH DANGER IS NOT HAPPENING! WARNING!’

As the message repeated itself, Neckbrace stood up and glanced about frantically. The cafeteria’s lights had switched to an eerie red emergency glow, and the other crewmembers were rushing out into the hallway.

‘What’s going on?’ Neckbrace asked, turning to Waterman.

Waterman shrugged, then got up to grab an extra burger from the kitchen while everyone was distracted.

----------------------------------------

Neckbrace burst into the BB Gun’s control room to find Barry at the main comms interface. He was wearing headphones and thoughtfully nodding along to whatever he was listening to. Neckbrace ran up to him and tore the headphones off his head.

‘HEY!’ she shouted right in his face. ‘You gotta tell me what’s going on, because if it’s the cops I’m not about to be arrested.’

‘Eh?’ said Barry. ‘Yeah nah, mate. No cops. Give this a listen.’

Barry pressed a button, turning the headset onto speaker mode.

‘You wretched thief!’ came the shrill voice of Captain Bonus. ‘Return the machine RIGHT NOW or there WILL BE CONSEQUENCES!’

‘He’s been doin’ this for twenty minutes,’ said Barry.

‘WHAT? WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?’ Bonus cried.

Barry leaned into the mic. ‘Eh, uhh… shut up, Captain… Bonehead.’

‘FIRST YOU STEAL MY CLIENT’S PROPERTY, AND NOW YOU STEAL MY INSULTS?’ Bonus screeched. ‘IS THERE NO LOW TO WHICH YOU WILL NOT STOOP?’

The deck jolted under Neckbrace’s feet. An overhead pipe burst, spraying steam into the room.

‘Bazza,’ cried Jim, ‘He’s firin’ missiles at us!’

‘Ah crap,’ Barry said, rubbing his greasy stubble in frustration. ‘Didn’t think he’d do that.’

‘Should we fire missiles back at ‘im?’ asked Kim, her gross alien body creating pools of sweat at the base of her seat.

‘Nah, that’s boring,’ said Barry. ‘Get Necko to do it.’

Neckbrace gave Barry a withering glare.

‘Yeah, yeah, I know your name sounds like cat in Japanese. You can give a nickname-change form to Damo later. Only takes ninety days to process. Pretty sick, eh?’

Neckbrace continued to glare at him.

Barry cleared his throat and looked away. ‘Fire… fire the missiles.’