In the most secure storage vault in the SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSfSSSSSSSSSSSSSS’ western facility’s deepest, darkest basement, they found the time machine. Heartburn had inputted the top-secret security clearance code, hunter2, into the storage vaults exterior computer. The vault’s enormous, cog-like door had rolled open, revealing a large, concrete room, containing nothing but the time machine, and Nosebleed Prime himself.
Nosebleed spun dramatically around in the swivel chair that he had clearly brought down just so he could spin dramatically around in a swivel chair and said, ‘I’ve been expecting you three.’
‘Why are…’ Heartburn began.
‘Why are my alternate selves so weak?’ Nosebleed finished for him.
Heartburn shook his head. ‘That’s not what I was…’
‘A good question,’ Nosebleed said, rising from his chair and stepping towards them. ‘A good question, indeed. You see, I drained half the energy of each of my alternate selves as I recruited them. They are still quite strong, of course, but not strong enough to usurp me if they were so inclined. And where did all that energy I drained go, you wonder?’
Nosebleed flexed, and his clothes exploded off his body, revealing a chiseled twenty-eight pack that bulged with barely restrained strength.
‘TO ME!’ Nosebleed roared. ‘By my calculations, I am now EXTREMELY STRONG!’
Armwrestle crossed her arms. ‘It’s three against one. Just let us have the time ma—‘
Nosebleed zipped forward faster than sight could track, and elbowed Armwrestle in the stomach. At first, nothing happened. Then Armwrestle’s entire spine shot out of her back and shattered against the far wall. Armwrestle, now suddenly an invertebrate, flopped over.
‘Ow,’ she said.
Heartburn tore his ulnas out to use as swords and leaped forward. Nosebleed turned around, swinging his arm in a wide arc like he was trying to fan away some unpleasant smell. The tips of his fingers brushed the very edge of Heartburn’s earlobe. The immense friction from the contact caused Heartburn to instantly erupt into flames.
Legcramp wasn’t looking forward to his turn.
Nosebleed looked at him, a manic smile on his tattooed face.
‘THE EARTH IS MINE, LITTLE MOSQUITO!’
‘I agree,’ said Legcramp. ‘I totally agree. I’ll just get out of your hair—‘
Legcramp looked down to find his entire torso had gone. He looked up to see Nosebleed holding it in his meaty hands. When had that happened? Legcramp’s head and limbs fell to the ground.
‘I don’t… I don’t think we can beat him by ourselves,’ said the very limp Armwrestle.
‘Yeah,’ said Legcramp, finding his situation very reminiscent of that time he was just a brain.
‘Do you two remember our conversation about Genghis Khan?’ Heartburn asked, his heart still very much burning.
‘No,’ said Legcramp. He was too busy focusing on regrowing his body to bother with a history quiz.
‘Chapter fifteen, when we were in that petrol station,’ Heartburn reminded.
The narrative has been taken without permission. Report any sightings.
‘Oh, right. That,’ said Armwrestle. ‘What about it?’
‘I’m going to do it,’ said Heartburn. ‘I’m going to resurrect Genghis Khan.’
‘That seems like a bad idea,’ said Armwrestle. ‘Wasn’t he just a marginally above-average human?’
Heartburn chuckled. ‘Not at all. He may have appeared human, but the Khan was not of this world.’
‘WHAT ARE YOU FEEBLE WORMS TALKING ABOUT?’ asked the overly buff Nosebleed.
‘Nothing much,’ said Legcramp.
Nosebleed seemed to believe it.
‘Okay, I have run into a small problem.’ said Heartburn. ‘I can’t resurrect Genghis Khan.’
‘Why not?’ asked Armwrestle as she scooped the shattered vertebrae back into her body.
‘He’s still alive,’ Heartburn answered.
‘Hey, someone call me?’ asked Skeleton, strutting into the room like he owned the place.
Legcramp sat up, taking advantage of the face that he had a reformed torso to sit on. ‘Where have you been?’
‘Shadow realm, man.’ Skeleton answered. ‘Torturing damned souls, corralling the void spawn, making sure no one goes outside the asteroid belt, that kinda stuff.’
‘WHO IS THIS? WHO IS THIS PERSON?’ Nosebleed demanded.
Heartburn took a deep breath and said ‘That… is Genghis Khan.’
‘Seriously?’ said Legcramp. He climbed to his feet shakily. A couple of his internal organs weren’t fully formed still. ‘You’re Genghis Khan? Why didn’t you ever tell us?’
Skeleton raised his bony hands defensively. ‘Hey, I’ve done a lot of stuff, man. Did you also want me to tell you that I built the Trojan Horse? Wrote the Dead Sea Scrolls? Shot Ferdinand? Gave Arthur that sword? Did Cleopatra’s makeup? If I told you all the junk I’ve done, man, we’d be here for a while.’
‘So are you going to help us?’ Legcramp asked, wincing as his liver reformed.
Skeleton stroked his jawbone in thought. ‘Well I was gonna go save Neckbrace from being blown up by a bunch of missiles, but since you asked so nicely, I think I can get you outta this, man.’
Skeleton stepped forward and pointed at Nosebleed. ‘You’ve been playing with the timeline too much, man. Don’t you know excessive abuse of time travel leads to unexplainable plot holes? I don’t mean to rain on your parade, but you gotta stop, man.’
Nosebleed laughed. ‘WHO DO YOU BELONG TO, THRALL? I SUGGEST YOU RUN BACK TO YOUR MASTER WHILE YOU STILL HAVE THE CHANCE.’
Skeleton flicked his wrist and a pair of handcuffs popped into his hand. ‘By the power invested in me by the Venusian Satanic Order, I’m putting you under arrest for crimes against time, man. Time crimes.’
Nosebleed glared at him. ‘AH, I SEE. THE ORDER. YOU ARE OUTSIDE YOUR JURISDICTION, DEMON.’
Skeleton looked at the handcuffs, then at Nosebleed’s massive wrists. ‘Actually, these might be a little small,’ he said.
Legcramp got an idea. Nosebleed was distracted, and the time machine, which was bizarrely designed to look like a speedboat, was there for the taking. While Skeleton browsed through his sub-dimensional library of handcuffs for a bigger pair, Legcramp slowly scooted around the edge of the storage vault. Armwrestle noticed what he was doing and gave a quizzical look, to which Legcramp held a finger to his lips and pointed another at the time machine. Armwrestle nodded in understanding.
‘Hey, man, you wouldn’t happen to know the circumference of your wrists?’ asked Skeleton.
‘THIRTY-SEVEN INCHES,’ Nosebleed replied.
‘What’s that in centimeters?’
Legcramp was almost at the time machine. He was barely outside of arms reach of it when Nosebleed turned around.
‘DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, BOY.’
Legcramp was about to jump for the time machine, then saw that Nosebleed was holding someone by the neck.
‘I THOUGHT YOU WOULD TRY SOMETHING LIKE THIS, SO I RESURRECTED MYSELF A HOSTAGE. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HIM STAY RESURRECTED, DON’T MOVE A MUSCLE.’
Legcramp squinted at the person. ‘Who is that?’
Nosebleed blinked. ‘I SUPPOSE YOU CAN’T SEE HIM VERY WELL FROM HERE.’ Nosebleed stepped forward and showed Legcramp the person in his hand.
‘Nope,’ said Legcramp. ‘Don’t know him.’
‘IT’S… IT’S YOUR HUMAN FRIEND! AGENT 600!’
‘Who?’ asked Armwrestle.
‘HE WAS ASSIGNED AS YOUR SUPERVISOR WHEN YOU WERE RECRUITED. HE PERISHED AT SEA,' Nosebleed explained.
Armwrestle’s eyes widened in realization ‘Oh right, him! No, I don’t care about him.’
Nosebleed turned to Legcramp expectantly. Legcramp just grimaced and shook his head. Roaring in frustration, Nosebleed threw Agent 600 to the ground, causing the briefly resurrected human to splatter into red paste.
'DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK TO FIND HIS BODY?' Nosebleed screamed.
Taking advantage of the situation, Legcramp quickly jumped into the time machine and pressed the biggest, reddest button he could see, hoping it was the send me to any time that isn't right now button.
An electronic voice sounded out in response. ‘Self-destruct sequence initiated.’