Legcramp was having a good time in his conquest of the world. Admittedly, that conquest had so far been limited to a couple of sandbanks and an unlucky fishing boat, but you had to take what you could get. Legcramp stood atop his mighty ship made of living skeletons whilst the captured fishermen rowed below and his skeleton crew (GET IT?) milled about, doing whatever it is skeletons do. As it turns out, the skeletons had belonged to an actual ancient civilization, which Skeleton had dug up and reanimated. Just being near them was enough to give Legcramp more than enough historical energy to keep him going. As he watched over the vast, flawless sea, feeling the wind blow across his bald scalp, Legcramp felt momentarily satisfied. Of course, that feeling wouldn’t last until every last human burned in the cauldrons of the Sheol, but it was nice while it lasted. He felt Skeleton step up beside him. Skeleton had a very unusual energy, quite unlike anything Legcramp had experience. The only explanation he could conceive of was that Skeleton was old. Very, very old. When asked his age, however, Skeleton always just responded with forever seventeen.
‘How far to go?’ Legcramp asked without turning around.
Skeleton checked his watch. He wasn’t wearing a watch. ‘Uhhh, twelve.’
Legcramp waited for more. ‘…Twelve? Twelve what?’
Skeleton shrugged. ‘Just twelve.’
‘Huh. Fair enough then.’
Skeleton coughed somehow. ‘Listen, man. Try to hold back a little, ya know? You go too fast and the Apocalypse Goblin’s gonna need to have a word with ya.’
‘The… the what?’
‘Apocalypse Goblin.’
‘Is that a thing?’
‘Sure, man. Me and Apoc-Gob go way back. Best buddies.’
‘I’ll keep him in mind, then,’ Legcramp said, grimacing.
‘Oh yeah, also we passed our destination nine days ago.’
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After nine days of highly irritating backtracking, they arrived at the buoy that marked the previously-lost city of R’lyeh. Attached to the buoy was a billboard displaying a cutesy image of Cthulhu holding a downwards-pointing arrow. After inspecting it with a telescope to make sure the buoy wasn’t one of the many knockoffs they had seen floating around, Legcramp gave the signal to submerge. The skeletons saluted back and began to make preparations. The fishermen looked worried. Soon, the ship began to sink as the skeletons making it up allowed space for water to flow in. The skeleton Legcramp was standing on grabbed his ankles to keep him rooted down as water lapped at his shins. Then just like that, they were under. The sunlight from the surface rapidly faded away until darkness surrounded them. A confused squid swam past Legcramp’s face as his eardrums popped and his temples began to throb. The water pressure was beginning to get a little uncomfortable. He wasn’t optimistic about the fate of his fishermen slaves in these conditions. After a few minutes of sinking, the gentle glow of R’lyeh’s lights came into view. Ever since it had been bought up by wealthy real estate tycoons, the city had gone from a non-Euclidian zone of madness to a bustling tourist destination, complete with casinos and shopping districts. Upset with the commercialisation of his culture, Cthulhu had gotten fed up and returned to whatever plain of existence he called home. Seeing the gleaming towers and glass walkways stretched out before him filled Legcramp with bloodlust. Somewhere in this urban maze was the FSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS’s central hub, and in that hub would be the key to world domination.
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‘You got any idea how you’re gonna approach this, man?’ Skeleton asked as they landed on top of a sky, or rather seascraper.
‘I took over Canada when I was eight,’ Legcramp replied, seawater filling his mouth as he talked. ‘I think I can conquer one stupid city.’
Skeleton shrugged, then kicked open a service hatch, flooding water into the airlock beyond. ‘Ladies first.’
Legcramp pushed Skeleton in, then jumped in himself. Several other skeletons, and the newly reanimated fisherman corpses, tried to follow, but Legcramp stopped them.
‘We go first,’ said Legcramp. ‘You guys follow fifteen at a time. Reassemble inside.’
Legcramp pulled the lever to close the airlock, then waited for the water to empty out.
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The service airlock exited into a series of maintenance areas at the top of the tower. Legcramp and Skeleton explored them until they found an oxygen tank storage facility large enough to hold their army, then signaled for the skeletons to gather in formation.
Having skipped maths class in school, Legcramp did not know how to count, but he could tell his army was big enough to do the job. The skeletons saluted to him as he climbed onto a box of tanks for what was sure to be a rousing speech.
‘Skeletons,’ he began. The skeletons immediately began to cheer. ‘And also fishermen.’ The zombie fishermen also cheered. ‘We’re gonna tear this city apart until we find that central hub, okay?’ He circled a group of skeletons with his finger. ‘You guys go and cut off all supplies and utilities.’ He pointed at another group. ‘You guys go find out where the central hub is. Kill anyone who doesn’t know.’ He pointed another group. ‘You guys sabotage building foundations and airlocks.’ Finally, Legcramp pointed at the fishermen. ‘You guys just break stuff.’
Legcramp gestured at the army to follow him. ‘Let’s go.’
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The skeleton army spilled out onto the crowded plaza like a tidal wave. Windows shattered, pipes burst, people died. It was quite the show. Legcramp smiled, feeling the humans’ fear surround him like a warm blanket. After watching the chaos for a minute or two, he and Skeleton split off from the rampaging army, opting instead to go strolling down the shopping center’s now empty halls. Explosions and screams echoed behind them. Occasionally a skeleton would fall from the ceiling or run between storefronts, often dragging a victim or improvised weapon. The air humidity changed as vital life-support systems broke down.
‘Man, this is pretty messed up, huh?’ said Skeleton.
‘Yep,’ said Legcramp, as he kicked a decapitated head out of his way.
‘What did you say your motivation for doing this was again, man?’
Legcramp gave the universal grunt for I dunno ‘Guess I just don’t like humans.’
‘That’s a pretty weak motivation, man, not gonna lie.’
‘Hey, it was how I was raised. My mom’s big on the whole vampire superiority thing.’
‘You think she’d approve of this, man?’
‘I’ll have to ask her next time I see her. Are you trying to talk me out of this?’
‘Nah, man. This is cool. I’m over morality.’
‘How old did you say you were again?’
‘Forever seventeen, man.’
‘Dammit.’
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Legcramp soon reached the place he was trying to find. A viewing room with an expansive view of the city. The room consisted of a massive window, which cast a watery shadow across rows of airport-like chairs. In one chair a flaming body sat, likely left by a skeleton. Legcramp broke into a nearby vending machine and grabbed a can of Shoggothpop, then slumped down in a seat to watch the carnage. Skeleton did the same. Legcramp took a swig and sighed in ecstasy as a nearby building collapsed in on itself.
‘Hey,’ said the flaming body, which was apparently still alive.
‘Hey,’ said Legcramp, assuming Skeleton must have just resurrected it.
The body stood up and strolled over to Legcramp. With a start, Legcramp realized there was no body. It was just a man made of fire. Could Skeleton do that, too?
‘Are you a vampire?’ asked the fire thing.
‘… Yes?’ Legcramp replied.
‘That’s cool,’ said the fire thing. ‘I met a vampire pretty recently. My name’s Waterman Monoxide, what’s yours?’