‘I should have known you’d partner up with that creep.’ Plato spat at Socrates with a skeletal sneer.
Socrates shrugged philosophically. ‘Heartburn says he can get me the Philosopher’s Stone, and I believe him.’
‘Alright, fair point,’ said Plato. ‘What about you, man?’ he asked, turning to Elbowgrease. ‘You looking to loot some Asgardian beer?’
‘Yeah, pretty much,’ said Elbowgrease. ‘I don’t have much of an established character beyond being an alcoholic.’
Heartburn clapped his hands. ‘Right, then. Now that we’ve established our motivations, let’s get down to business, shall we?’
Neckbrace snapped her fingers and resurrected Skuld as an undead thrall.
‘Open the portal,’ Neckbrace ordered.
‘Not so fast,’ Heartburn said, flicking his wrist at Elbowgrease.
Elbowgrease shot forward and punched Skuld hard enough to break the atomic bonds holding her physical body together, re-killing her instantly. Neckbrace snapped her fingers again, bringing Skuld back once more. Elbowgrease clapped his hands, creating a thunderous shockwave that destroyed Skuld’s re-reanimated body.
‘Somebody keep that dude away or we can’t get the portal back!’ Neckbrace shouted.
‘On it mum!’ Brainstem said, charging forth and giving Elbowgrease his patented Bodacious Beatdown. Heartburn was not going to allow this. He tore one of his fingernails off with his teeth and spat it at Brainstem. The fingernail cracked against the young vampire’s forehead, causing his skull to explode in a shower of blood and giblets. Neckbrace resurrected Skuld once more, but with Brainstem temporarily de-brained, Elbowgrease had the opportunity to undo her work. Surtr jumped into the fray, his glowing, vampire-killing sword at the ready.
‘Swordo Backwardso!’ Socrates cried.
Surtr’s sword suddenly flipped around, impaling its wielder through the stomach.
‘Ouch,’ Surtr said as he collapsed.
‘Swordo Forwardso!’ Plato counter-spelled.
Surtr's sword ripped itself out of his chest, doing even more damage than if it had just been left alone.
‘Whoops,’ said Plato. ‘Hold on, man. Uhh… Woundeth Healo!’
The gaping cut on Surtr’s chest closed, but so did all his facial orifices. While Plato attempted to undo that particular spell, Legcramp jumped into the fight and grabbed a hold of Elbowgrease.
‘NECKBRACE!’ he shouted.
‘ON IT!’ Neckbrace shouted back, resurrecting Skuld once more.
‘Gah,’ said Skuld. ‘This is not how I thought today would go.’
Heartburn rocketed forward, dropkicking Skuld into yet another grizzly end.
‘Swordo Backwardso!’ Socrates screamed.
‘Swordo Forwardso!’ Plato screamed back.
‘Swordo Backwardso!’
‘Swordo Forwardso!’
Surtr’s sword was tumbling end over end in mid-air, creating a significant health and safety hazard to anyone in the immediate area. Neckbrace resurrected Skuld with one hand, then poked Heartburn’s eyes out with the other. Shaking the resurrection dizziness away, Skuld snapped her fingers and opened the portal. Heartburn’s eyes reformed, and he tore Skuld’s entrails out with a stern glare. The portal closed once again. At the same time, Elbowgrease finally threw Legcramp off his back, then kicked Brainstem's body to the opposite side of the well.
‘Faceholeth Attaino!’ Plato shouted, and Surtr’s orifices opened up with a wet ripping sound. Surtr quickly grabbed his spinning sword by the hilt and swung it at Heartburn. Heartburn, however, caught Surtr’s wrist and twisted the sword out of his grasp. With a frantic, necromantic finger snap, Neckbrace brought Skuld back to the land of the living once more. The Norn opened the portal. Heartburn growled and picked the sword up. With its white-hot blade, he slashed Skuld into quantum particles, then slashed those particles into sub-quantum particles. Surtr tackled Heartburn and forced the sword out of his hands, but it was too late. Neckbrace tried resurrecting Skuld. It didn’t work. Heartburn had killed her so hard she couldn’t be brought back.
‘WHAT NOW?’ Neckbrace shouted to Plato.
‘Oh, man,’ Plato said, wiping the sweat off his skull. ‘Okay, there’s one other thing I can try, but it’ll literally kill me.’
‘COOL, DO THA—‘ Neckbrace was interrupted by Elbowgrease wrapping his hands around her throat. He squeezed, popping her head off. Kim, who had gone to fetch Brainstem from the other side of the well, flew back. She dropped Brainstem on top of Socrates, then dive-bombed Elbowgrease.
Plato’s bones began glowing a brilliant red.
Socrates struggled out of Brainstem’s grasp and screamed, ‘HEARTBURN! HE’S USING THE PHILOSOPHER’S STONE!’
Heartburn punched Kim into Yggdrasil above and sprinted for Plato. Before he could get there, however, Plato’s physical form suddenly collapsed into a glowing red sphere. The red glow then faded, revealing the swirling colors of time-space.
‘HE USED THE POWER OF THE STONE TO OPEN A PORTAL!’ Socrates helpfully shouted.
‘YES, I CAN SEE THAT!’ Heartburn shouted back.
Legcramp leaped forward and jumped into the portal headfirst. Neckbrace elbowed Elbowgrease off her back and followed, her head still in the middle of regenerating. She was half-way through the portal when Heartburn grabbed her ankles. ‘OH NO YOU DON’T!’ he spat.
Thinking fast, Neckbrace grew hands on her feet and tried to pry Heartburn’s cold fingers off. They didn’t budge. Then, Brainstem sprinted out of nowhere and knocked both Neckbrace and Heartburn into the portal. Kim, Surtr, Elbowgrease, and Socrates scrambled in after. Only seconds after entering the psychedelic vortex of time, Neckbrace realized their efforts to get there had been ultimately fruitless. They had lost Armwrestle. They didn’t have enough vampires to trigger the bomb. Unless…
Neckbrace’s eyes locked onto Elbowgrease.
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Legcramp remembered all too well the nine weeks, four days, fourteen hours, six minutes and twenty-nine seconds he had spent in time-space. He wondered if Sigma 430 was still hanging around.
Neckbrace's shouting knocked him out of the thought. ‘BRAINSTEM, GET READY!’
Oh, that’s right. Legcramp was going to help blow up time.
Neckbrace jumped off a hovering year, narrowly dodging a Heartburn fingernail and Socrates magic missile, and came to a stop beside Legcramp.
‘I need you to convince Elbowgrease to give his power to Brainstem,’ Neckbrace said.
‘What? How?’ Legcramp asked, quickly ducking out of the way as Kim barrelled past, her sword interlocked with Heartburn’s stolen one.
‘Elbowgrease has two character traits,’ Neckbrace frantically explained. ‘He swaps sides on a dime, and he loves alcohol.’
Legcramp nodded in understanding, then jumped off a particularly blocky minute to go find his grandfather.
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He spied Elbowgrease busy grappling with Brainstem. Legcramp bounced from unit of time to unit of time until he eventually landed on a century besides the bearded vampire.
‘Hey,’ said Legcramp. ‘Do you wanna give your power to Brainstem?’
‘No,’ Elbowgrease grunted as he gave Brainstem an atomic noogie.
‘What if I told you I knew where to find a beer that could get vampires drunk?’ Legcramp suggested, wiggling his eyebrows.
‘Sorry, champ,’ Elbowgrease said. ‘But I quit drinking thirty seconds ago.’
‘What could I do to convince you to change sides?’ Legcramp asked. He was growing desperate. ‘Anything. Please.’
‘Buy me a beer after this,’ Elbowgrease said.
‘But you just said—‘
‘I’m relapsing.’
‘Okay fine,’ Legcramp said, choosing not to mention the fact that he was underage. ‘I’ll buy you a beer.’
‘HEY BRAINSTEM!’ Elbowgrease shouted.
‘I’m right here, mate,’ Brainstem said from about fifty centimeters away.
‘GET READY FOR THIS!’
An artery snaked out of Elbowgrease’s wrist and affixed itself to Brainstem’s neck. Legcramp followed his grandfather’s lead and connected one of his arteries to Brainstem, too.
‘KEEP THEM OFF US!’ Neckbrace ordered Surtr and Kim, before jumping over and connecting her own artery to Brainstem.
‘OH, CRIKEY!’ Brainstem exclaimed as he began to feel the full power of three other vampires flowing into him.
‘NO!’ Heartburn cried. ‘STOP—‘
Kim cut him off with a well-placed slash to the vocal cords. While he was distracted, Surtr grabbed his glowing sword back and readied to slice Heartburn into nothingness. ‘LIMBETH REVERSO!’ Socrates squawked.
Surtr’s hands became feet, and he was no longer able to grip the sword.
‘aaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAHH!’ Brainstem screamed. His veins were glowing white hot. His flesh was beginning to expand. It couldn’t hold the energy in.
‘Tell us when you’re ready to blow,’ Neckbrace said. ‘There’s no way in hell you’re taking us with you. Got that?’
‘OOOOOOKKAAAAYYY!’
‘TRAITOR!’ Heartburn screamed as rocketed forward on a jet of blood and punched Elbowgrease into the next millennium. Literally.
Brainstem had ballooned to ten times his normal size and was shaking violently. Lightning bolts of energy burst off his skin, vaporizing nearby days.
‘I DON’T… HAVE… ENOUGH POWER!’ Brainstem forced out.
Legcramp desperately searched about for something that could replace Elbowgrease. Then he saw it, floating some distance away from Surtr. A glowing, magical sword.
‘SURTR,’ he roared, ‘YOUR SWORD!’
Surtr quickly grabbed the sword with his hand-feet and threw it at Brainstem. The sword pierced Brainstem’s skull and exploded into raw energy, finally pushing Brainstem to his absolute limit.
‘NECKO…’ Brainstem choked, his skin glowing with the intensity of a quasar. ‘I JUST WANT… YOU… TO KNOW… YOU’RE GONNA GET... A SOLO MOVIE… IN THE BODACIOUS BRAINSTEM CINEMATIC UNIVERSE.’
‘No thanks,’ said Neckbrace.
‘YOU IDIOT!’ Heartburn spluttered, grabbing onto Legcramp’s skull and crushing it in his iron grip. 'YOU'VE RUINED EVERYTHING!'
‘I’M GONNA…!’ Brainstem forced out.
‘WE GOTTA GO!’ Neckbrace screamed. All this caps lock was really tiring her out.
Kim soared over, Surtr riding on her back. She grabbed Neckbrace and tried to grab Legcramp too, but Heartburn viciously smacked her away. With Neckbrace and Surtr in tow, the force of Heartburn’s attack sent Kim sailing out the portal just in time for Brainstem to become a dimension-ending explosion. In an instant, time-space was annihilated, and everything vanished.
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Neckbrace awoke surrounded by fire and brimstone. She felt weak. Weaker than she thought possible. She tried flexing her muscles, but they felt sluggish and unresponsive. She tried shapeshifting her left foot into a puma. All it did was give her a cramp. Most of all, she was hot. Unbearably so. She sat up, the sweat evaporating off her forehead. Neckbrace looked at her hands. Pale pink skin. Her mouth felt weird, too. No fangs.
‘So, I’m human then?’ Neckbrace asked Kim, who was sitting on a nearby chunk of red-hot rock.
‘No,’ Kim replied. ‘You’re still from Venus, after all. You’re just not a vampire anymore.’
‘So I’m just some meat… thing?’ Neckbrace said, staring at her weak hands once more.
‘Yep,’ Kim said.
‘You remember our deal right?’ said Surtr, who was busy looking up Brokk and Eitri’s website so he could get a new sword forged.
‘I won’t say a word to Odin,’ Kim reassured. ‘Can’t say the same about Heimdallr, though. You know how that guy likes to spy on people.’
Surtr scowled. ‘Yeah, whatever Skӧgul. See you at Ragnarök.’
‘Ready to go?’ Kim asked Neckbrace. ‘Pretty sure if you stay in Muspelheim any longer you’ll die of heatstroke.’
‘Where’re we going?’ Neckbrace asked.
Kim waved at the sky to signal Heimdallr and turned back to Neckbrace. ‘I’ll tell you on the way. I’m serious about that heatstroke thing. You are very close to being dead right now.’
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As they walked along the multi-dimensional, glittering expanse of the Bifrost, Kim explained.
‘So, you’ve been in a lot of fights right?’ she asked.
‘Yeah?’ Neckbrace said. Her weak legs were hurting from all the walking.
‘And you’ve won a lot of them too, right?’ Kim continued. ‘In other words, you could say you’re a warrior?'
‘…Yeah?’ Neckbrace wasn’t quite sure where this was going.
Kim stopped walking. ‘How would you like to go to Valhalla?’
Neckbrace stopped too. ‘I thought that was for dead people.’
‘Fight me,’ said Kim. ‘I’ll win, and you’ll die, but you would have died in battle. You’ll get to leave that useless meat body behind. You’ll get to hang out with a bunch of cool dead people until Ragnarök. Plus, dying in battle with a Valkyrie gets you brownie points with Odin.’
‘Why are you doing this for me?’ Neckbrace asked.
‘You helped save the Nine Realms,’ Kim said. ‘Seems like a fair reward to me.’
Neckbrace thought for a moment. Did she really want to live by Odin’s feet, out of everywhere in existence? But then again…
‘Fuck it,’ Neckbrace said as she punched Kim in the face.
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Legcramp awoke surrounded by bitter wind and blaring lights. He struggled to his feet, groaning under the effort. His muscles were weak. His body was weak. He had somehow survived the explosion, but he certainly wasn’t a vampire anymore. Legcramp looked around, shielding his eyes from the lights. It was night-time, but everywhere he looked there were floating advertisements for strange products and services, lighting the dirty street as if it were day.
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Legcramp stood entranced by the hypnotic lights. The street was bustling with people wearing plastic clothing, their body parts replaced with metal substitutes. A man, blindly stumbling around with some kind of grey box glued to his face, ran straight into Legcramp.
‘Sorry!’ he called out as he stumbled away.
Legcramp backed up against a robotic dumpster and rubbed his eyes. Where was he? When was he? It looked like the explosion had somehow catapulted him into some distant future. He was stranded, without vampiric powers, and with no one he knew.
‘Oh, hey,’ said Elbowgrease, who Legcramp had mistaken as a homeless man digging through the dumpster. ‘So how about that beer?'
Legcramp held his face in his hands. Maybe he deserved this.
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Heartburn awoke surrounded by screaming and death. He rose to his feet, cursing his newfound non-vampire weakness. Before him, atop a nearby hill, surrounding by warring mortals, the armored form of Odin stood, and before Odin, the colossal wolf Fenrir growled. In the distance, Surtr, now taller than the sky, held his sword aloft. Its light illuminated a Solar System that had long grown dark. All around him, gods from every corner of existence fought to the death. Ragnarök was in full bloom. Heartburn raised an eyebrow. It seemed the explosion had catapulted him quite far ahead in time. If that was the case, maybe he hadn’t lost as much as he thought. Maybe he…
The gods ceased fighting. Time ceased ticking forward. Everything stood deathly still. Then, from the heavens above, it appeared. An Eye, great and magnificent. An Eye so awe-inspiring, so outstandingly beautiful, so grand, that Heartburn could not help but weep. The Eye’s glorious sight fixated on Heartburn, the character that wasn’t supposed to be there. Th character thing that was spoiling everything. The Eye looked at Heartburn, and Heartburn vanished.
Then the Eye looked at you, and the story ended.