Remy’s heart began hammering as she looked at Allison, her expression uncertain but determined. Something as vague as simply saying talking about the future didn’t carry nearly enough implication on its own to instill fear, but the same could be said for hope. Caught between the two and feeling that there was no context to guide her, the choice between them seemed obvious. It wasn’t without reason that assuming the worst had become Remy’s default response to the unknown; if anything, it seemed logical to her. If she was going to be wrong, she preferred that it be because she expected the worst and it proved to be for nothing than to hope for anything good and end up being let down. It wasn’t until that moment that she saw the flaw in the strategy. That moment marked the first time that she could remember having to make the choice when she was already hopeful.
There was a nearly overwhelming sense of terror that came with having something at stake, a fact that she’d all but forgotten over the last several hours. She’d allowed herself to become convinced that all was well, going so far as to feel confident in her belief that there was nothing to fear. In that moment of waiting, however, she was violently torn from her blissful haze and sent back in time to the beginning of the evening, as torn between hope and fear as she’d been since she first met Allison. It felt as if she’d been pulled out of her life and dropped into someone else’s, a life with which she was only vaguely familiar as though she’d heard about it rather than remembered living it herself. She couldn’t stop herself from wondering if she’d made a mistake in allowing herself to relax, having more than enough experience to know better than to assume that what had been gained couldn’t be lost. Somehow, she’d allowed herself to repeat that mistake.
Spending so much time so close to Allison, her touch a sensation as constant as her own heartbeat, Remy had become comfortable with it. It was soothing, something that was impossible to not notice and too far removed from her expectations of daily life to call it familiar. Whenever Allison pulled away and those expectations again became reality, the world became cold and left her feeling desperate for the warmth that was within arm’s reach. As the night went on, however, it became clear that these moments were always temporary. Allison had made her intentions clear more than once, and she’d made no secret of having no more desire to be parted than Remy did. The constant reassurance made it almost easy to forget worries and assumptions that warned of disaster.
Then why am I worried now?
She couldn’t say what made her ask herself the question but, now that she had, there was no ignoring the fact that it needed an answer. In her fear that was rapidly building into panic, Remy had forgotten the reason that she’d felt confident enough to lower her guard enough to begin to feel comfortable in the first place. Her past experience had taught her to not become complacent, but she hadn’t forgotten that lesson when she’d allowed herself to grow closer to Allison. It was a conscious decision, one born of both experience and reason. Allison’s intent and desire were both clear, and there was no cause for doubting either. The more she thought about it, the more she drifted back into the present and next to Allison, close enough to feel her warmth radiating from her skin. As comforted as she was by putting the moment behind her, Remy couldn’t help feeling disturbed by how easily she’d slipped from comfort and into fear.
“I’m gonna guess that you’re trying to fix…something.”
Remy smiled as she looked up at Allison, still staring at her intently and looking as if she was searching for something. “Still trying to read my mind?”
Turning pink, Allison gave a shy smile of her own. “Maybe.”
Remy couldn’t help smiling, herself. It was impossible to not appreciate the dedication, especially where anything involving her was concerned. “Well, in that case, you’re getting better. What makes you say that?”
Allison perked up immediately, looking quite pleased with herself. “Well, you looked worried…at first, at least. Then you looked like you were thinking about something. I’m guessing something was wrong and you’re trying to figure out what to do about it.”
There was a brief pain in Remy’s stomach as she realized just how close Allison was to the truth. At the same time, she became acutely aware of the fact that she had no idea how to explain her thoughts, still wondering herself exactly how they’d come about. “You’re two for two. Any idea what I was thinking?”
Allison’s expression shifted rapidly again, this time into a pout as she huffed and looked away. “There goes my streak, I guess. I was just wondering the same thing. It’s impossible to know what your thinking face means.”
“My thinking face?”
“It’s that face you make when you’re thinking really hard about something. No matter what you end up telling me you were thinking about, the face is always the same. You just look like you’re about to kick somebody’s ass.”
Somewhere in the back of Remy’s mind, she knew without a doubt that laughing in that moment was a terrible idea. She fought against it for a moment, but she ended up losing the battle both quickly and spectacularly. The most she was able to do was cover her mouth and hope that she wasn’t loud enough to wake Millefeuille, already knowing that the worst of the consequences of her failure were inevitable. As if on cue, Allison turned a stern eye toward Remy and grumbled, unintentionally adding fuel to the fire.
“How…how can you still be—?”
“Not. Another. Word.”
Remy fought herself with her entire being, just barely managing to stay ahead of her laughter. Seeing Allison’s pout beginning to falter, she couldn’t resist the urge to cause it to turn into another smile. “Even if I don’t say it, it’s still true.”
The corners of her mouth twitching, Allison folded her arms and stared hard. “It. Is. Not.”
“Your argument might be more convincing if you weren’t proving me right while you made it.”
“Remy Dauphine, I swear—”
“Shh…you’ll wake Millie up.”
If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. Please report it.
Briefly looking alarmed, Allison glanced down at Remy’s lap before returning to glaring at her. She was clearly trying to make an immediate return to looking menacing, but the effort was undercut by acting as if she hadn’t just dropped her supposed anger entirely for fear of waking a sleeping cat. It didn’t help her cause that as she resumed building toward a tirade, she was speaking just barely above a whisper and continuing to give worried glances toward Remy’s lap.
“You’d better stop that right now! I am absolutely not—”
“Oh, there it is.” When Allison stopped short in confusion, Remy pressed the advantage. “I was wondering when it would be back. The cute never stays gone for long.”
Allison sputtered, trying several times to mount another argument and only falling into silence. She groaned loudly in frustration only to silence herself, covering her mouth and giving a panicked look toward Remy’s lap as Millefeuille briefly stirred. When she looked up again, Remy could feel the beginning of a headache from the strain of holding back her laughter. With an almost silent huff, Allison glared at Remy again while reaching out and picking up Millefeuille so gently that Remy could barely feel her touch. Feeling herself moving, Millefeuille briefly meowed in protest before cutting herself off with a yawn. Storming toward the hallway, Allison shot a cold look over her shoulder at Remy, apparently unaware that her pout had long since broken into a full smile.
“I’ll be back.”
“Where are you taking her?”
“To her bed. I can’t fight with you while you have a hostage.”
Still trying to hold back her laughter but unable to contain it entirely, Remy let out a loud snort. As if in response, she heard a giggle come from around the corner that was quickly stifled. Smiling to herself, Remy leaned back in her seat, content to have solved at least one of the mysteries still floating around her thoughts.
I could get used to this. Actually…I think I might already be halfway there.
She couldn’t say why or how, but spending time with Allison had very quickly gone from being worrying to feeling natural. Once she’d managed to put aside her seemingly endless fears of either misinterpreting the situation or somehow making a mess of it, she’d fallen into this new pattern so easily that she hadn’t even realized that it was happening. Everything about being with Allison made her happy, which came as little surprise when she thought about how badly she’d wanted it. What came as a shock quite unexpectedly was that there was nothing making her unhappy. There was no strife, no tension, no exchange of a semblance of happiness for some form of misery. It wasn’t until she looked for it and couldn’t find it that she realized that she’d expected it. Time spent with Allison felt the way that she always assumed sharing someone’s company should feel, something that felt like a childish flight of fancy that she couldn’t bring herself to abandon. In more ways than one, Allison was proving to be a dream come true.
A moment later, Allison rounded the corner of the hallway and came into view again, stomping angrily as she made her way toward the couch. She threw herself onto the seat next to Remy and collapsed in a heap against her shoulder, still failing to hide her smile as she grumbled. Taking Remy’s arm, she wrapped it around herself like a blanket and pressed herself close. Feeling the laughter building again and wondering if she’d pushed a bit too hard, Remy steadied herself as best she could before speaking.
“Aren’t we supposed to be fighting?”
“I changed my mind.” Allison’s voice wasn’t entirely steady, making her sound as if she was on the verge of laughing herself. “Cuddle now, fight later.”
Again, Remy could only smile as contentment washed over her and swept away the last of the fear that had her in its grasp. There was still a sense of unease lingering from the thought of how easily it had begun to overtake her, but there was also relief in the knowledge that it could be dispelled just as easily. It gripped her like an illness, but Allison was the cure.
“So…what were you thinking about?”
So much for relaxing.
Unease returned, but only as a brief pang of fear rather than the slowly building abject horror from moments earlier. This time, the source was clearly defined. Even if she’d been able to clearly state what had her feeling so afraid, Remy knew that what could be said about it wasn’t anything that Allison was going to like hearing. After having spent so much of the evening easing fears enough to move beyond them, she couldn’t help feeling as if admitting to having slipped back into them would be an insult to that effort, even if only momentarily. With a sigh, Remy resigned herself to something slightly better than the worst and began preparing to explain herself. As terrible as it felt to even suspect that she was about to upset Allison, that was nothing compared to the thought of lying to her. Even if she had any faith in her ability to do more than insult her intelligence by trying to mislead her, it turned her stomach to even consider it as a possibility.
My nose is going to be bruised before this night is over. “I was…trying to process.”
“Process what?”
“You said that…that you wanted to talk about the future. I got scared.”
Allison sat up straight and turned to Remy, her expression suddenly grave. “Do you…not want to talk about it? I mean…if you’re not comfortable with defining things, I…I understand that.”
There was another pang of fear, this time serving as a warning that she was in danger of fulfilling her own prophecy. In outright defiance of her nature, a wild urge drove Remy to take the reins of the conversation before it went too far down the wrong path. “No! No, I want to know what I’m dealing with! What…what we are. Actually, I…I was afraid of the exact opposite. I guess that not knowing means that it’s possible that this could all still come to an end.”
Instead of the anger or disappointment that Remy expected, Allison merely looked confused. “You thought I wasn’t happy with how things are going?”
Even though Remy had already reached the conclusion, it wasn’t until she heard the confusion in Allison’s question or saw her incredulous expression that it became apparent how absurd the assumption was. Even without clear definitions, Remy couldn’t think of a single example of an indication that her worries had any merit from the entire evening. In fact, thinking back as far as when they first met brought no evidence of such a thing. It slowly dawned on her that the only thing that came close to suggesting it was a lack of confirmation, like fearing monsters when staring into darkness and being too consumed by that fear to question what was actually there. Remy lowered her head and groaned loudly, her swirling emotions slowly being overtaken by a rapidly growing frustration with herself.
“I really am a useless lesbian.”
Again, Remy found herself surprised when, of all of the expectations she had for what would come next, Allison defied all of them with almost hysterical laughter. “I know that the polite thing to do would be to disagree, but…”
Remy looked up to see Allison leaning into her again, bringing their lips together and causing time to stand still. Whether it was seconds or days later, Allison pulled away and stared into Remy’s eyes, gently cradling her face in both hands and refusing to allow her to look away.
“We really do have a lot to talk about. I…I think we need to get on the same page about some things. The first is that if you really want this that badly, you should know that I want it just as much. That’s…that’s what I had in mind when I was talking about ‘the future.’ I think we’re at the beginning of something special, and I want to make sure it stays that way.”