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Until the Blue Hour
The Howling Winds (The Former Part)

The Howling Winds (The Former Part)

“So…how did you end up here?”

Allison couldn’t stop her body from going tense at the sound of Remy’s question. As hard as she tried to convince herself that it was an innocuous question, it was impossible to ignore the weight of the answer. The only thing more difficult than processing all of the thoughts and feelings behind the answer was finding a way to give it that felt sufficient. After having heard Remy’s story, her own felt as if it didn’t warrant recounting. She knew that Remy was right, of course; it wasn’t a competition, and she had every right to tell her story. Still, the feeling that validity needed to be earned couldn’t be set aside easily. She almost laughed aloud at the irony of the fact that having already come to that realization was what led her to leave home.

“You’re still comparing stories, aren’t you?”

Startled, Allison quickly looked up to see that Remy was looking back at her with a kind but concerned smile. Finally noticing how long she’d gone without responding, it occurred to her that it must be obvious what was occupying her thoughts. Nodding quietly, she took another moment to push her worries aside long enough to speak.

“I know I shouldn’t, but…”

“Old habits die hard?”

Allison smiled, not entirely able to keep herself from making direct comparisons again. As much as she had praised her ability to listen and understand, it seemed that there was no question that Remy was just as good at both, if not better. “I thought that I’d be able to manage talking about it by now. I’ve talked about it before with Lily, and…well, it wasn’t easy, but I thought I’d gotten used to it. Things are so much better now, it seems like a waste to let the past bother me anymore.”

“Even if you’re done with the past, that doesn’t mean the past is done with you. Maybe there’s still some unfinished business to deal with.”

Allison’s eyes went wide with surprise as Remy’s words began to sink in. It caught her unaware to hear Remy voice the same thought that Lily had long ago, but she’d somehow come to the conclusion far more quickly. She had been talking with Lily about her life before coming to Violet Meadows for months before hearing the suggestion that she may have some lingering unresolved issues, but Remy had somehow come to the same conclusion after several hours. Again, Allison couldn’t help thinking that Remy had a talent for understanding her that nobody else seemed capable of matching.

As the silence went on, Remy began to look uncomfortable. Fidgeting and shifting nervously in her seat, she seemed to be concentrating for a moment before suddenly speaking again. “Well…at least things are better now.”

Allison nodded again, though she couldn’t completely dismiss her curiosity over what Remy had been thinking in that moment. “Yeah, there’s that. Well, it’s not just better…it’s completely different. I can’t even draw parallels between my life now and what it was before.”

Remy’s unease finally began to fade from her expression as curiosity took over. “Really? What’s changed?”

With a laugh, Allison’s mind raced to recall every difference in an attempt to summarize them all. “What hasn’t changed? I have a job I care about in a business I care about where I work with people I care about who also care about me. I didn’t have any of that going for me before I came here. It’s not just that, though…it seems like those should be the big changes, but the one that makes the most difference is how people treat me now.”

In an instant, Remy’s expression hardened. The change was so sudden, Allison wondered if she’d said something wrong. “How did people treat you before?”

Not feeling entirely relieved, Allison was at least grateful that she didn’t seem to be the focus of Remy’s shift in mood. “I was…useful.”

“Useful?”

“A means to various ends. Everyone wants something, and I was something of a go-to option.” Seeing Remy’s brow crease as she tried to make sense of what she was hearing, Allison sighed as she began to remember why she didn’t care for thinking about the matter. “I was…kind of popular growing up.”

Remy’s confusion didn’t subside, but she seemed determined to understand. “Popular? With…?”

“Pretty much everyone. I was…well, you know that really annoying girl from high school? Little miss popularity, homecoming queen, prom queen, head cheerleader…the one who was everywhere you went and you couldn’t get away from her if you wanted to? I know you know who I mean…there’s always at least one.”

With a grimace, Remy nodded. “Yeah, actually…sounds like Madison.” She briefly closed her eyes and appeared to be concentrating and, when she opened them again, her expression was once again neutral. “You were that popular? Which one were you?”

In the midst of inexplicable growing anger on hearing Madison’s name enter their conversation again, Allison’s emotions took a hard turn toward embarrassment when Remy’s question finally registered in her mind. “All of them.”

Remy’s eyebrows raised and her eyes went wide, a sight so rare that Allison wasn’t immediately sure what the reaction indicated. “Seriously? Homecoming queen?”

“Yup.”

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“And prom queen?”

“Twice. And then there was the honor society…and the student council…”

“And you were a cheerleader, too?”

“Head cheerleader, thank you very much.”

Allison mimicked Remy’s earlier playfully haughty attitude and turned her nose toward the ceiling, but her heart wasn’t entirely in it. It had been amusing when Remy did it, the premise being that it was too far removed from reality to be taken any other way. When she attempted to repeat it, though, it hit too close to home. She was startled when, in spite of her thoughts, Remy began to quietly chuckle.

“Oh, please do excuse me, madam. Head cheerleader. Let me guess…you also dated the captain of the football team?”

“I’ll have you know that I didn’t, as a matter of fact. You presume too much about me, knave.”

Encouraged by Remy’s acceptance of her attempt at humor and with her mood lifted considerably by the thought that Remy didn’t seem to think of her the same way she thought of herself, Allison found it easier to continue to be playful. The moment didn’t last, however, another pang of something akin to guilt causing her to look down at her lap and turning her mood from playful to sheepish.

“It…was the lacrosse team.”

Her heart suddenly pounding with fear, Allison dared to peek in Remy’s direction from the corner of her eye and was again shocked to see that Remy was turning a deep red from the strain of trying to restrain herself. When her resolve failed her and the living room was filled with the sound of her laughter, Allison was too confused to be relieved. She wasn’t sure what she’d expected, but it certainly wasn’t cheerful and amused acceptance.

“You’re…taking this better than I’d have expected.”

It took Remy a moment to bring her laughter under control to the point that she could respond. “What do you mean? Should this bother me?”

Again, Allison was at a loss. The simple answer was yes, but she wasn’t entirely sure why. “I guess I expected it to. It doesn’t paint me in the best light.”

Remy’s laughter finally faded in favor of confusion and concern. “What’s wrong with it? It sounds like you were the queen of…actually, where are you from?”

Allison sighed and leaned against Remy, suddenly feeling a need for comfort. “Summerlin…just outside of Vegas. And yeah, I guess I kind of was the queen bee of my little colony. That’s the part that I don’t like.”

As Allison had hoped, Remy responded by wrapping her arms around her and holding her close. Something about her exuded the sense of comfort that Allison so desperately needed. “Why not? If…if you don’t mind telling me, I mean.”

Taking refuge in Remy’s arms and losing herself in the fragrance that was beginning to become comfortably familiar, Allison took a moment to borrow enough of Remy’s sense of calm to continue. “I don’t mind. I’m just not sure how to answer. I…I led a life of privilege. I was…well…kind of spoiled. Everything I ever wanted was handed to me by one sycophant or another, and…I don’t think it made me a very good person. Worse, I only left when I got mad because there was something I wanted and couldn’t have. It feels like I just threw a tantrum because someone told me ‘no’ for once.”

“I don’t know if there’s something I’m missing, but…well, it sounds like what you wanted was to be treated like a person and not a thing. That’s not exactly an unreasonable demand, no matter how much you had.”

Allison froze in place, not even daring to breathe as she absorbed Remy’s words. It wasn’t an unfamiliar sentiment; in fact, she’d repeated very similar words to herself too many times to count since it first occurred to her that she could only find peace somewhere far away from everyone she’d ever known. Still, it wasn’t until she heard the thoughts echoed by someone else that she realized that, as strongly as she felt it, she didn’t entirely believe it.

“That was what I told myself. I guess I…I always thought that I was just trying to justify running away. I was so angry and hurt at the time, I always looked back on it and worried that I was just throwing a tantrum because I wasn’t getting my way.”

Remy was quiet for a moment before speaking, her face set with an expression of determination. “I doubt it. Starting your entire life over takes more conviction than just throwing a tantrum. If that was all there was to it, I’d think you would’ve just found an excuse to go back sooner or later, not build an entirely new life for yourself and thrive purely out of spite.” There was another brief pause before she added, “I’m going to take another guess and say that you only started doubting your conviction after someone else did.”

Again, Allison froze in place as she effortlessly recalled one of the last conversations she’d had with her parents, every accusation of selfishness as clear as if she’d heard them several minutes earlier rather than several years. She pulled away from Remy to look up at her again in both shock and awe.

“How…how did you know that?”

Remy turned away, looking both embarrassed and sad. “It’s something I’ve dealt with before. When someone wants to manipulate you and they can’t convince you to do what they want, it’s not unusual for them to resort to trying to sow doubt so you end up convincing yourself.” After a moment of thought, she turned back to Allison and continued. “Let me guess again. ‘You have so much.’ ‘You should be grateful.’ ‘You can’t have everything you want.’ ‘Can’t you just do this one thing for me?’ ‘You only think about yourself.’ And somehow, through all of that, nobody ever got around to asking why you felt the way you did or explaining exactly what was wrong with it.”

There was a nearly overwhelming sense of unease as Allison tried to comprehend the seemingly incomprehensible. Hearing Remy speak about her past at the same time that she was remembering it, the accuracy made it hard to think of it as a guess. “If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were there.”

Remy sighed while giving a bitter smile. “People like that always like to think that they’re geniuses, but it’s almost creepy how unoriginal they are. It’s like they’re all reading the same playbook.” There was another moment of quiet contemplation before her expression and voice both became both calm and focused. “Maybe you should start from the beginning. Something tells me that it’s just going to prove me right, but I’m guessing it’s going to prove you right, too.”

With a long sigh, Allison nodded as she pulled Remy’s wine glass to her lips. Merely considering what she’d heard had already exhausted her, and taking a journey into her past seemed an insurmountable task even when she was at her best. With Remy by her side, however, she couldn’t help feeling emboldened. Somewhere in her muddled thoughts was the blossoming realization that even in the darkest of times, wherever Remy dared to tread was where she belonged.