Did…did I just…?

When Allison finally released her, Remy’s mind was all but blank. It wasn’t entirely unexpected. Allison’s mere presence had a way of pushing Remy’s thoughts to one side, and her touch always seemed to take priority over all else. Her kisses, however, caused the world to come to a standstill, everything but her touch paling in significance and fading away entirely. It was an understatement to say that in those moments, Allison held Remy’s entire world in the palm of her hand.

When Allison pulled away this time, though, the world around Remy didn’t immediately begin clamoring for her attention as it often did in the absence of sensations with which it could never hope to compete. The first thought to come to mind was the memory of the last thing she’d said, a memory that proved to be every bit as much of an insurmountable obstacle to the world’s demands for Remy’s attention as Allison was. Time seemed to stretch endlessly as Remy recalled the words, wondering where they’d come from and, more mystifying, what had caused her to utter them aloud. No matter how many times she replayed it in her mind, she couldn’t make any sense of it. She’d thought of it too many times to count, but it was a violation of her nature to be so openly presumptuous. No measure of hope on her part explained how she could so casually declare herself to be Allison’s girlfriend.

“Tell me what you’re thinking. No promises that you won’t suffer any consequences for it, though.”

Once again, Allison cut through Remy’s thoughts and immediately became her first priority. Looking up, Remy saw Allison wearing an expression of bravery that was too stern to believe she wasn’t forcing it. As if preparing to make good on her threat, she held her fingertip to Remy’s nose, ready to make contact at a moment’s notice. Remy smiled in spite of herself, but she couldn’t ignore that Allison seemed to have quite a bit more on her mind than she was saying, as well.

“You look worried about something.”

As Remy had expected, Allison’s look of determination faltered as it was quickly spoiled by a note of unease. “Maybe. I’m not used to seeing that look on someone’s face after I kiss them.”

“What does it look like?”

“Regret.”

Remy repressed an urge to flinch, not at all prepared to hear Allison guess at her thoughts so accurately. It took a moment for her to put the feeling aside long enough to realize that, given the context, Allison’s accurate reading of Remy’s emotions had most likely led to an inaccurate reading of their significance. Remy reached up to take Allison’s hand, still held aloft in a threatening pose.

“You’re half right. I don’t regret thinking or feeling it. I just…I’m surprised that I said it.”

Smiling, Allison turned her back and collapsed against Remy, releasing a sigh that sounded like relief. “Sorry. I guess I jumped the gun a little.”

Feeling just as much relief herself, Remy gave a gentle laugh as she wrapped her arms around Allison. “Didn’t I say something about apologizing and some get-even?”

Allison’s eyes suddenly went wide as she turned her head to look up at Remy from the corner of her eye. “That’s right! I still owe you one!” She slipped one of her arms from beneath Remy’s and began to poke blindly behind her. “Hold still, would you?”

Her earlier worries completely forgotten, Remy laughed cheerfully as she dodged Allison’s flailing and poking. Taking shelter on Allison’s opposite side, she gave another chuckle as she pulled Allison closer to her. “Nope. I earned that one. We’re even, if you think about it.”

“Like hell!”

Dropping her feigned anger, Allison joined in with Remy’s laughter with a fit of giggling of her own. As she made another half-hearted attempt on Remy’s nose, Remy ducked and hid near Allison’s shoulder. As she did, she felt something touch her lips and realized a moment too late that they had just brushed against Allison’s neck. She may not have given it any thought if it hadn’t been for the fact that Allison’s entire body went as rigid, so still that it was apparent that she wasn’t even breathing. Just as Remy was realizing that something about the mood had suddenly changed, Allison’s body went from rigid to limp, feeling as if she was melting in Remy’s arms. Holding her so closely, Remy could feel Allison’s pulse racing just beneath her skin. Her own heart began to hammer as if trying to keep pace with Allison’s. There was a silence that seemed to go on for hours as Remy held perfectly still, moving forward and stepping back both terrifying her in equal measure.

“Mind if I don’t guess this time?”

Remy had to stop herself from breathing a sigh of relief at the sound of Allison’s unsteady voice as it finally broke what felt like a stalemate between them. “N—no…no, not at all.”

Allison took several deep breaths before speaking again, her voice now sounding a bit closer to normal but still not entirely even. “What do you want to happen right now?”

There was a long silence as Remy considered the question, repeating it to herself again and again but getting no closer to an appropriate answer. Again, any direction she chose seemed too fraught with peril for the risk to be justified. In spite of her intent to not guess, Allison seemed to easily determine the cause of the hesitation.

“Don’t try to think of what the right answer is. Just…want something.”

Remy’s mind seemed to be desperately trying to return to turning on itself and getting nowhere, but Allison had once again effortlessly cut through the confusion. Feeling softness in her arms and pressed against her, the fragrance of pears and jasmine filling her nose and the sound of Allison’s voice still ringing sweetly in her ears, Remy’s senses were too overwhelmed with sensations she wanted for there to be any room left for anything she didn’t. For what may have been the first time, she was able to put conscious thought aside entirely, and even the less pleasant unconscious ones seemed to have no power over her. As if her body was being steered by someone else, Remy was only vaguely aware that she was moving forward as she pressed her lips to Allison’s neck.

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“I know that it’s—oh! Oh…”

Whatever Allison had been thinking, it was lost as she felt Remy’s lips press against her. Following a sharp inhale as she gasped, her words trailed off and were lost to a long, soft moan as Remy kissed her. Her hand reached behind her again, this time finding Remy far more gently than she’d been pretending to be trying to moments earlier. Her palm caressed Remy’s cheek, then trailed upward before tangling her fingers in Remy’s hair. She tilted her head further to one side as she pulled Remy into her, her breathing becoming deeper and nearly as frantic as her racing pulse.

“Remy…”

Somewhere in Remy’s mind, she briefly acknowledged the change in Allison’s tone. The sound was unfamiliar to her, but she seemed to instinctively understand its significance. It was a sound not entirely removed from desperation, a sense of urgency that became more intense every time Allison said her name. Her earlier hesitation a distant memory from what may as well have been another lifetime, Remy’s kisses grew in intensity along with Allison’s desire for them. As her tongue caressed Allison’s delicate skin, Remy felt a final act of desperation from her worries and memories, a pang of fear that tried to make her question her actions once again. When Allison moaned her name again, however, it couldn’t have been more clear to her that she couldn’t bring herself to care anymore.

It wasn’t until she heard a faint giggling that Remy was finally able to tear herself away from the present, her curiosity finally having gotten the better of her. Allison, still holding the back of Remy’s head, sighed softly as her arm went stiff. Though she was allowing the pause, she clearly didn’t intend to let Remy wander far.

“I…I was…just thinking that I should start asking you what you want more often.”

Remy chuckled as she rested her chin on Allison’s shoulder. The logic certainly followed, but her mind was too intoxicated by Allison’s fragrance to know why it had worked. “I wish I could make promises, but wanting things is still new to me.”

“But you do want…?”

“You?” Remy chuckled again, the thought that anything else might be the case sounding utterly absurd. “More than you know. More than I can even tell you.” Remy gave Allison’s neck another quick peck and, as she pulled away, she noticed a faint red mark where her . “I think might be able to show you, though.”

“Oh?” Allison turned to glance at Remy from the corner of her eye, a mischievous smirk taking shape on her lips. “Care to share how, exactly?”

As much as Remy wanted to play along, her sense of responsibility was slowly returning to her along with her senses and had immediately begun screaming at her to address what she’d just seen. As if speaking in agreement, the faint red mark on Allison’s neck was rapidly becoming a violent crimson.

“I…think I already have. You…um…might want to wear your hair down for a while.”

Allison’s look of mischief slowly faded into confusion, and then quickly shifted toward recognition. Her eyes went wide with surprise, and her cheeks began to take on a similar color to her neck. Her smile, however, only grew wider.

“Nah. I’m showing it off.”

Remy sputtered as Allison rested her back against her again, laughing softly at Remy’s shock. It was no surprise that Allison’s attitude about it would be more relaxed, but her reaction was the last thing Remy expected. “You…but…why? What are you going to say when someone asks about it?”

With gentle laughter and a contented sigh, Allison pulled Remy’s arms around her like a shawl. “What else? I’ll tell them my girlfriend gave it to me.”

No matter how much she tried to convince herself that it must be a joke, nothing about Allison’s demeanor supported the thought. Her natural determination, something entirely separate from the brave front she’d put up earlier, was something that Remy had quickly become familiar with hearing. It almost felt like a necessity to be able to know it when she heard it, like the sound of a truck’s air horn warning her to clear the way. It was too admirable to not be immediately recognizable, even if Allison’s current intentions were baffling.

“But…but won’t that cause problems? What about work?”

Allison shrugged playfully. “That’s the one place where I can’t hide it. I can’t have my hair down in the kitchen. Food safety and all that.” With another giggle, she added, “I guess I don’t have any choice. I’ll just have to explain to everyone how my date with my girlfriend went…well, I guess I won’t have to do all that much explaining. Something tells me they’ll figure it out for themselves soon enough.”

In the face of Allison’s good cheer, even Remy’s strongest unconscious opposition to happiness began to waver. She still couldn’t imagine having the conversations that Allison would have to endure, much less looking forward to them. It was only Allison’s experience with such matters and her complete lack of concern that allowed Remy to relax enough to put the matter aside.

“I guess I still have a lot to learn about how all of this works.”

“Don’t you worry about that.” Allison began to gently stroke the back of Remy’s hand, a simple gesture that did far more than she likely realized to ease her mind. “We’ve both got things to learn. We’ll get there together. Actually…that reminds me.” She again turned her head slightly to peer behind her at Remy, her expression curious. “I meant to ask earlier, but…I’m going to guess that wanting things is harder for you than I realized.”

The thought was too sobering to be denied. Remy was almost surprised that she didn’t have to give it any significant thought before she agreed. “You and me both. I think that’s why I started backsliding earlier. It…it started to become too real.”

“What did?”

“The fact that I was getting something I wanted. It’s almost like I’ll jinx myself if I admit that I want something and that will make sure it doesn’t happen. I think that’s why I panicked when I said it out loud.”

“What? That you’re my girlfriend?”

When Allison’s playful teasing turned into laughter, Remy couldn’t stop herself from laughing along with her. Hearing Allison repeat the assertion so confidently with a note of what sounded like pride was as reassuring as her touch. Remy gave her shoulder a soft kiss out of gratitude as much as affection. “Yes, that I’m your…your girlfriend. I keep feeling like I’m going to say or do the wrong thing that will make you change your mind sooner or later, and that felt like my last chance to screw it all up somehow.”

Allison went quiet for a moment before responding, her voice slightly more stern. “Well, let’s say it was your last chance. It came and went, and I still want you.”

“Yeah…that does seem to keep happening.”

“Mmm hmm. It’s almost like I just want to be with you or something.”

Remy huffed in frustration, more with herself than anything else. It was strange how it could seem so obvious, but those same feelings could continue to gnaw at her every time she let her guard down. Even in that moment, she could still feel them at the edges of her thoughts, plotting her demise and attempting to pull her back down to their level. She wasn’t beyond their reach but, with Allison so close and refusing to allow her to fall, their bite was barely enough to draw her attention. As with everything else, they paled in significance when compared to Allison.