Allison’s mind raced as though in competition with her heart, both seemingly attempting to work themselves to exhaustion. Her heart hammered madly under the weight of what she’d just done while her mind struggled to make sense of it, trying to separate emotion from logic to understand what had motivated her to do something so drastic. It felt like an entirely natural and reasonable decision in the moment but, given time to consider all of the potential consequences, she felt as if she was being buried in them. Packing things away in their plastic bins with trembling hands, Allison did her best to calm herself. She reminded herself that what was done was done and, given that Remy didn’t even hesitate to accept the offer, it didn’t even appear that any harm had been done. If anything, all indicators pointed toward Allison’s having made the right choice. Following that thought, however, emotion began to slip free of its restraints and reminded her of how badly she wanted this, making her question her motives again and wonder if, instead of having made the right choice, she hadn’t simply gotten lucky.
Inviting Remy to her apartment after their date wasn’t a choice that Allison took lightly, to say the very least. It had come up in conversation more than once over the past several days while discussing her plans with Lily, most often in jest as Lily took advantage of the opportunity to playfully tease Allison about the possible outcomes of the evening. It was never intended to be taken seriously, the premise of Lily’s jokes being that it was well known between them that Allison didn’t entirely share Lily’s preoccupation with such matters. At the same time, however, it would be even further from accurate to say that Allison didn’t consider them at all. The more Lily teased her about her expectations, the more she let her mind wander and consider the possibilities. Not knowing Remy’s feelings on the matter and not feeling that it was in any way appropriate to ask her about them so early on, Allison was more than willing to just be patient, especially since she preferred that those conversations occurred naturally.
Much of her concern in the moment stemmed from the fact that she felt that, to some extent, she’d forced the issue. She had never been one to shy away from the topic before, always feeling comfortable with herself and her desires to the point that she had no reservations about being open about them. What made things different in the present was Remy. Despite Allison’s initial impressions, Remy proved to be incredibly sensitive and cautious in matters of connecting with people on a personal level. This was important to note as Allison’s present concerns didn’t get much more personal. Whatever Remy’s stance, discovering what it was seemed like something to be taken as slowly as possible to avoid potentially upsetting her. Still, in a few words, Allison had jumped several steps forward into making the topic all but unavoidable.
What was I thinking? We haven’t even kissed yet.
Looking around to ensure that everything had been packed away, it occurred to Allison that another reason for her worrying was the fact that, while the subject was never a concern for her before, she had never been the one to take the lead, either. In allowing situations to unfold naturally, she always found herself yielding to another’s desires. She’d never complained. She was accustomed to being wanted, and there was merit to being the object of someone else’s desires. An unintended consequence, however, was the fact that she’d never found herself with the opportunity to be the one to initiate. Lifting one of the plastic bins and walking toward her car, she thought about her time with Remy and realized that, so far, she’d been the one to lead. She’d fallen into the role so naturally, she hadn’t even taken any particular notice before that moment. It felt natural to her, and it satisfied her in a way she’d never experienced before. More than that, Remy certainly didn’t seem to have any complaints about it, most often willingly yielding to even her more ridiculous requests. It made Allison feel pampered and spoiled, though she couldn’t deny that Remy’s willingness to satisfy her always left her wanting more.
The only downside to this revelation was the fact that there would be times in which someone would have to make the first move. If she wanted to be the one between them to take the first step and Remy at least didn’t mind that she did, that meant assuming some risk. It was terrifying, especially with Remy’s feelings and potentially their future together on the line. At the same time, though, thinking about it from this new perspective also gave the responsibility a sense of excitement. The more she considered it, the more she wondered if her fear was the result of inexperience. As Lily was unquestionably the type to yield even more than Remy, it was difficult to know who to ask for advice. Thinking of who else she knew well enough to discuss the matter with, the choice was immediately obvious. Mari seemed to have no interest in getting too close to anyone and, while she would likely be able to give some insight, she hadn’t even heard from Ember in weeks. That only left Charlotte, clearly the best of all of her options as she had a talent for being in control, stemming from both natural disposition and skills acquired through formal instruction. The only flaw in the plan was having to talk to Charlotte.
I’m going to have to get used to her one of these days.
Not having access to her at the moment was a blessing as much as it was a curse. Allison didn’t have the emotional bandwidth to deal with processing her inexplicable unease around Charlotte, so it was a relief to leave that problem for another day. At the same time, however, that meant not knowing what to do about Remy in the immediate future. In fifteen or twenty minutes’ time, they would be walking into her apartment and entering even more unexplored territory. Given how far they’d come already that evening, it was difficult to not worry that things were moving too quickly. While Allison didn’t have a problem with it—and, being honest with herself, she wouldn’t be upset if things kept moving at that pace—there was no way to know how Remy was feeling about it short of asking her. No matter how she thought about it, Allison could only come to one conclusion. If she was going to be the one to take the lead, this couldn’t be an exception. This was a conversation that needed to take place at some point and, if she was worried about how it would be received, then it was going to be her responsibility to ensure that it went well.
Placing the plastic bin on her back seat, Allison slowly stood and took a deep breath as she began to steel herself against the fear of once again marching into unexplored territory. Despite her attempts to remain courageous, she couldn’t help feeling as if she was staring into an oncoming storm and making a decision to sail into its eye. As badly as she wanted to move forward, there was too much at risk to ignore the possibility of disaster. Exhaling slowly and turning to go back for more bins, she jumped when she found herself face to face with Remy, holding another of the bins and looking at her with a concerned expression. Before the shock could wear off, Remy began speaking, her voice slow and cautious.
“You…look like I feel.”
Allison immediately began to worry, her mind racing to guess as to what she looked like in that moment. “What do you mean?”
“You look…nervous. Unsure. Are you…having second thoughts? I mean, I understand if you are. I wouldn’t hold it against you or anything.”
Assuming the worst, Allison readied herself for it as best she could. “Do you mean that you’re having second thoughts? I know I must’ve blindsided you, so I—”
“No!”
Gasping as if surprised by the sound of her own voice, Remy began to turn a familiar burgundy that immediately calmed Allison’s heart in spite of her confusion. Looking frustrated with herself, Remy inhaled slowly and deeply before continuing. “Sorry, I mean…well, no. I…I want to go, but…well, you look like you don’t. If you changed your mind, I don’t want you to think that you’re obligated or anything. I’ve already had a great time with you tonight. Better than I’ve ever had with anyone, really. There’s…no need to push it any further if you’re not comfortable with it.”
Allison stared for a moment, feeling slightly overwhelmed as she tried to make sense of what she was hearing. As the message slowly started to sink in, an entirely unexpected sensation began to well up inside of her, building until it exploded as uncontainable laughter. It took some time for her to finally notice that Remy’s look of concern had worsened significantly, prompting her to collect herself and explain.
“I’m sorry, Remy. It’s just that I was trying to figure out how to say the same thing to you.”
Remy’s tense expression finally began to relax as she laughed softly herself. “Wasn’t I supposed to be the one with communication issues?”
Allison’s fit of laughter renewed itself, again needing significant effort to bring under control. “I guess I’m better at hiding it than I thought, but it’s definitely not just you. I…guess we have some things we should talk about.”
Remy nodded, her amusement vanishing in an instant and replaced with a look of determination. “Well, there’s time, at least. I don’t have anywhere to be anytime soon, so we have as long as you want.”
Feeling a weight slowly lifting off of her chest, Allison reached out and took the plastic bin from Remy’s hands with a smile. “Are you sure about that? You’ve never heard me talk without a time limit. You sure you don’t want to set one?”
As Allison placed the bin on her seat and stood again, she saw Remy looking at the ground and smiling as her complexion again took on its lovely burgundy tint. “I’ve got until Monday morning, and…I can’t think of anything I’d rather do with that time.”
After waiting a moment for her heart to start beating again, Allison took Remy’s arm and led her back to their table to finish packing up.
If you come across this story on Amazon, it's taken without permission from the author. Report it.
“Did you study how to make me swoon, too? Nobody’s ever been this good at it.”
Remy gave a chuckle that didn’t entirely hide the nervousness underneath it. When the silence went on a little too long, though, Allison looked up to see Remy as she was nervously glancing back at her. She gave a long sigh before looking away and finally responding. “I…looked. I couldn’t find anything I believed, though, so technically no.”
Not expecting her joke to be confirmed as truth, Allison restrained herself for fear of upsetting Remy any further. She settled for holding Remy’s arm a little tighter and sighing with content as they walked, unexpectedly making peace with the task ahead of her and finding a renewed sense of determination.
I have no idea what I’m doing, but I’ll find a way. I’m not letting anything keep me from you.
No matter how far back Allison thought, she couldn’t come up with a single example of a person who’d gone through as much trouble for her sake as Remy, especially for things so small. She approached something as simple as a date with the same dedication that she showed in everything else she did…and the same seemed to be the case for how she considered Allison, as well. Remy treated Allison as if she was something precious, putting just as much effort into simply being present as Allison had put into creating the experience. She thought to herself that if Remy handled her heart with even half as much care, it would be an understatement to say that Remy was the best thing to ever happen to her. Thinking back again and recalling anyone that could reasonably be considered competition, there was no comparison to be made. That Remy saw it all as a source of shame was all but incomprehensible, and the best that Allison could do was respect it in lieu of understanding it.
As if to confirm Allison’s suspicions, Remy was as diligent in cleaning up as she was in doing anything else. Allison watched quietly as best she could without drawing attention as Remy checked and double checked her every action, making sure that bins were packed tightly and that the heated and chilled containers were kept separated. Everything she moved was handled as if it may shatter in her hands, and she never took her hands off of anything without inspecting it one final time before walking away from it. Allison laughed quietly to herself as she hid her own work from Remy’s view, feeling self-conscious as she wasn’t nearly as cautious. Anything she didn’t know to be fragile was thrown together haphazardly, her focus already claimed by either moving the night forward or watching Remy and leaving none to spare for worrying over a few scuff marks.
Returning from a trip to put more things in her car, Allison returned to their table to find Remy standing over the gathered tableware, staring down at several plates as if she was trying to defuse a bomb. As much as Allison wanted to continue to watch quietly, Remy’s expression made her concerned enough to intervene.
“Something wrong?”
Remy looked up at Allison in surprise, too absorbed in her thoughts to notice her return. “No…not really. I was just wondering how to go about packing these plates and these…um…”
Looking down at the table in front of Remy, Allison forced herself to ignore how cute Remy could be out of fear of embarrassing her. “Chargers.”
Remy studied the chargers for a long moment before sighing, looking slightly embarrassed in spite of Allison’s efforts. “Huh. Wouldn’t have been my first guess, but it sounds better than ‘bigger plates.’”
Unable to hold back all of her laughter, Allison made up the difference with a quick peck to Remy’s cheek. “That’s basically where the word comes from, so you were closer than you think. Don’t worry about it, though. Just throw them wherever they’ll fit.”
Remy furrowed her brow. “Are you sure? What if they get scratched or chipped? They look exp—um…hard to replace.”
The hesitation caught Allison’s attention, especially considering the sudden change in Remy’s tone. She decided to be patient, though she expected that she should begin readying a counterargument. “No, not at all. Besides, we’re not going far.”
As if on cue, Remy’s pensive expression intensified over the course of a long pause. “Listen, I know that tonight must’ve cost—”
“Boop.”
Allison hated to be correct in her assumption, but she couldn’t help laughing in spite of it on seeing Remy’s reaction to having her nose poked yet again. It was one of the rare chances Allison had to be able to read Remy’s expressions and tell what she was thinking, and it had quickly become something to look forward to seeing. Allison could see the discomfort rapidly shift into surprise and confusion, then gradually fade into amusement. Under normal circumstances, Remy was a statue. She had few facial expressions and mannerisms that she ever showed, typically only exhibiting them when under a great deal of strain. Most seemed content to assume that she simply didn’t have any thoughts to share, but Allison knew that they were just beneath the surface, a treasure kept hidden from the world. Just being able to occasionally tell what Remy was thinking made Allison feel a little closer to her, something that made her desperate for more.
I can’t wait until I know you better. I want to know all of those little things you think but don’t say.
As expected, Remy was quick to pick up Allison’s stance on what she was about to say—as well as her reluctance to change it. She looked as though she was about to make a final desperate appeal but, as she was opening her mouth, Allison held up a fingertip in front of her face and hovered it over her nose.
“I can do this all night, you know.”
Trying and failing to cover her laughter with a loud groan, Remy finally relented with a smile. “Fine, but the next one is on me.”
Hoping she didn’t look too satisfied with herself, Allison nodded as she began hastily grabbing chargers and stowing them in a nearby container. Every passing minute with Remy increased her sense of urgency in wanting to reach their destination. “That’s fair…as long as you don’t try to compare receipts.”
“But I—”
Allison wheeled around and pointed at Remy’s nose, brandishing her finger like a spear. Despite the smile she couldn’t completely hide, she did her best to take on a serious tone. “‘But’ nothing, Remy. This isn’t a competition.”
The gears in Remy’s head were clearly spinning, but the effort didn’t seem to manage to produce an argument. Instead, she gave a frustrated sigh. “You’re really not letting this one go, are you?”
Allison thought for a moment as she folded the tablecloth, briefly concerned that she was being unreasonable. No matter how much she thought about it, though, she could only come to one conclusion. “Do you want it to become a competition? The two of us going back and forth, racing to see who can go broke first?”
“Well, no…of course not. But…”
“But?”
“It just…doesn’t seem fair. You shouldn’t have to give more than you get.”
“But what if I’m happy with what I’m getting?”
Going by her expression, it seemed that Remy was entirely unprepared for the response. “But…but I haven’t given you anything.”
Allison sighed, then smiled up at Remy. As much as she wanted to remain stern, there was no being frustrated for long where Remy was concerned. “Don’t you think that’s my call to make? You’re here with me, and that’s all I care about…not that you haven’t given me more than that. I…I don’t even know how to put it into words.” Allison thought for a moment, but all that came to her was the torrent of emotions that had been swirling around her all evening and the desire to be carried away by the current. Picking up the tablecloth, she took Remy by the arm and began leading her toward her car for the last time.
Remy went quiet as they walked, not speaking until she noticed that Allison was giving her occasional glances weighted with expectation. “I guess I just worry about money too much.”
For the first time, Allison noticed a sense of relief that came from hearing Remy’s voice, as if she couldn’t bear to go too long without it. The feeling didn’t last, however, quickly replaced by confusion. “When did you start worrying about money? I’ve never even heard you bring it up before now.”
There was another pause while Remy looked lost in thought. “Well, I guess it’s not the money, exactly…it’s more the fact that I don’t want to be a burden.”
Allison’s mood shifted in an instant. Taking several quick steps, she moved herself in front of Remy and turned to face her before coming to a stop, forcing Remy to do the same. She intently stared up into Remy’s eyes, causing a look of fear to reveal itself beneath the fading surprise.
Allison felt a pang of sympathy, but she refused to relelnt until she was certain she was understood.
“Never again.”
Visibly trembling, Remy took a step back. “Wh—what?”
Allison took a step forward to close the distance. “Never again. If you were bothering me, trust me, I wouldn’t be shy about telling you. Never call yourself a burden again. Promise me.”
Looking slightly relieved but still cautious, Remy nodded. “Okay…okay. I won’t. I…I promise.”
Taking a deep breath, Allison returned to her place by Remy’s side. She took Remy’s arm but, entirely unlike the sense of comfort that doing so normally brought, there was only a feeling of guilt when she felt how tense Remy was. As they reached her car, she looked up apologetically.
“I…should explain that.”
Remy still looked cautious as she shook her head. “You don’t have to if you don’t feel ready to talk about it.”
There was a temptation to accept the offer, but Allison’s earlier declaration of intent carried her forward. “I’m not, but…I still should.”
“In that case, take your time. I’m not going anywhere before you’re ready to call it a night. We…well, we have plenty to talk about anyway, right?”
Allison thought for a moment before nodding in agreement. There was much to discuss, and adding one more topic of conversation was hardly a cause for concern. There was only one more thing that stood out in her mind as being more important, the end to the conversation as a means. Just as the task ahead began to seem daunting again, that end sent a wave of calm that dispersed the mounting unease in an instant.
Before this night is over, you’re going to know exactly how special you are to me.