If she was here in front of me right now, I would…I would…

Allison’s emotions felt as if they were too numerous to count, shouting over each other and demanding to be the one to guide her forward. Confusion battled with empathy and sorrow clashed with wrath as she struggled to settle on a way forward, unable to decide on a single one of them as she considered asking more questions to come to a better understanding of what Remy had endured, then shifted to wanting to simply hold her and reassure her that she was safe. That thought soon yielded to wanting to simply shut down and cry, but only long enough for anger to build to the point of wanting to turn it all against the ones who caused all of this in the first place. Anger seemed to be winning in the moment, tempered only by the knowledge that her threats were idle. No righteous fury she felt could change the fact that it wasn’t her nature to cause harm, and she had no experience that would as much as indicate how to begin.

As Allison looked up at Remy and repeatedly tried and failed to understand how she could maintain her calm and almost peaceful demeanor as she recalled such horrors, anger once again gave way to confusion. How anyone could endure a life of such misery was enough of a mystery on its own, and how one could emerge from it with their mind intact was even more mystifying. Even when taking into consideration the conditioning that came with growing up in that kind of an environment—an atrocity unto itself that had to be set aside purely for lacking the emotional bandwidth to consider it properly—it felt like an impossibility for anyone to be able to find themselves on the other side of it without being either brainwashed or entirely broken, and both possibilities seemed like two sides of the same coin.

The strength Remy had to have experienced that kind of a life without losing her sense of self was just as difficult to comprehend, again leading Allison toward wanting to hold her close and bolster that strength for fear that it may ever falter. It was clear that, as strong as Remy was, she’d hardly escaped unscathed. There were so many small things about her that Allison had dismissed as merely being interesting quirks, from her unease and hesitance in dealing with people in general to her nearly unnatural ability to predict the thoughts and motivations of those same people. To know that they weren’t natural parts of her personality and instead the result of things that had been done to her filled Allison with a strange sense of loss, as if she was simultaneously appreciating the person Remy was in the present and mourning the loss of the person she didn’t know who Remy could’ve been without having the burden of these traits placed on her shoulders as a necessity for survival. It made Allison wonder what kind of a person could do this to anyone, let alone someone for whom they presumably cared and unmistakably had an obligation to protect. The thought of such a betrayal caused rage to threaten to boil over, returning anger to the front of the queue of emotions and completing the cycle once again.

Allison’s racing thoughts were finally interrupted when she looked up and noticed that Remy was finally beginning to look uncomfortable. It was jarring to see after she’d spent so long telling a story of horrors with her usual composure and calm, speaking with a carefully measured tone as casually as if she’d been talking about the weather. It took a moment for Allison to realize that the reason for her unease could only be the silence that had stretched out for so long after she’d declared her intent to keep speaking, and she was likely only waiting for an appropriate moment to continue.

No…no, I can’t do this now. She needs me.

The thought was brief, but it was enough to break the cycle of repeating thoughts and urge Allison to finally settle on a course of action. Whatever she was feeling, it could wait. Of everything running through her mind in that moment, Remy was the most important by far. She looked up at Remy again and, as she attempted to collect herself and match Remy’s sense of calm with confidence, she hoped that her voice would be steady enough to not give her away.

“So…what happened next?”

The words came out sounding as strained as Allison had feared, but Remy either didn’t notice or, far more likely, was too polite to draw attention to it. “Well…I guess you could say that I got lucky.”

Allison’s eyebrows raised in surprise. “After everything you went through, I don’t think you could call it luck that you managed to get away from there.”

Remy smiled appreciatively, but the sadness behind it was unmistakable. “I’d like to take credit for it, but the truth is that I’d probably still be there if I hadn’t gotten a little push in the right direction.”

Something about the subtle change in Remy’s tone filled Allison with suspicion and dread in equal measure. “A little push from…?”

There was a quiet sigh as Remy’s growing sadness met Allison’s expectations. “Madison Hayden.” Remy took a moment to pull herself together and restore her calm demeanor before continuing. “We…sort of dated.”

For the first time in a long while, a new emotion managed to hold Allison’s attention as a sense of disgust suddenly took shape and hung over the name like fog. “Sort of dated?”

“It was complicated. Her family wasn’t any more understanding than mine, and she grew up just as sheltered. We barely had any idea of what a relationship was outside of making our parents happy, so a relationship between two women defied explanation. I don’t think either of us understood what we really were, so putting labels on it was out of the question. We were basically ‘really good friends’ with some extra baggage that we silently agreed to keep quiet about.”

Anger threatened to take control in Allison’s mind again, but disgust managed to just barely hold its meager lead. “So…what does she have to do with anything?”

Remy looked away, looking as if she was concentrating just a moment before her mask of calm was restored. “We crossed a line…well, I crossed a line. Long story short, one day I screwed up and said the quiet part out loud.”

The only thing that could keep the sudden ache in Allison’s heart from growing was to keep pushing forward. “You…you told her…?”

“Something I shouldn’t have.” Remy seemed to be thinking the same as Allison, noticeably eager to move past the moment without saying any more than strictly necessary. “She didn’t know how to deal with it and panicked. She…distanced herself.”

Allison’s anger finally took center stage, shunting even disgust to the side. “She betrayed you.”

Remy looked as if she was about to dispute the claim but, after a moment of silence, she nodded quietly. “I don’t know everything that happened after that, but I saw the end result. She must have gone around to everyone she knew and told them about how her friend went crazy and fell in love with her. I can only guess, but she probably just knew what was coming. Nothing stays a secret forever in a place that small, and she was smart enough to know that her best bet was to stay ahead of the gossip train to look like she was leading it instead of looking like she was getting dragged along behind it.”

Emotion clouded Allison’s thoughts like smoke, and she only barely managed to see through it to realize that none of it was going to lead to anything productive. It took all of her strength to put both anger and disgust aside, only managing to do so by remembering that it was for Remy’s sake.

“So..so that was why you left Metairie.”

Remy sighed again, shaking her head. “Not exactly. Even with the rumors floating around, my mother wasn’t ready to give up on me…or, at least, she wasn’t in a position to.”

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Figures. Of course she only got involved because she had to. “Why not?”

“When you live in a bubble that small, perception is everything. If she gave up on me, that would mean agreeing with everyone who was gossiping. She wanted to—well, she did—but that would mean admitting that the rumors were true. Hating me along with everyone else wasn’t enough. She needed me to defy the rumors to keep her own reputation intact. On top of that, she could take credit for being the one to stand by me after I’d proved my innocence. Even if she’d had another choice, I can’t imagine her ever passing up an opportunity to claim moral superiority.”

Allison’s composure shattered in an instant, her resurging wrath triggered by a single word. “Innocence? You weren’t guilty of anything! If anything, she’s the one who needs to be confessing to something!”

Remy gave an exhausted but understanding smile. “I know, I know. Whatever it’s worth, I agree with you. In the eyes of the community, though…nobody would admit it, but anyone else with enough sense to scheme to that extent would’ve done the same thing. Even if they knew the whole truth, it’s not like anyone would’ve judged her for it.”

Going blind with rage, Allison again forced herself to set her feelings aside in favor of continuing a productive conversation. “So…so is that why you left?”

Remy shook her head, but looked oddly relieved. “Not entirely, but it is where things started to turn around. When all of the rumors started to get back to her, my mother was too scared of her fading image to remember that she was scared of me…well, she didn’t completely forget. She tried to stage an intervention, so it’s not like she came at me alone.”

For a moment, Allison lost her anger as confusion once again took over. “An intervention? For being gay?”

Remy looked as if she was holding back laughter. “I have to imagine that it sounds weird to you, but…well, that sort of thing is depressingly common there. It took a long time for me to realize that it’s unusual. I thought that was just how things worked in general.”

Allison still couldn’t quite wrap her head around the idea that sexual preference would be treated the same as an addiction, but thinking about it for a moment brought her to the conclusion that, considering the sorts of things she’d heard so far, it might not be that unusual to not expect any better. It wasn’t hard to imagine that they’d look at both as being destructive.

“So, is this just a Metairie thing, or is it a Louisiana thing?”

Looking defeated, Remy shrugged. “I’ve often wondered the same thing, myself. My best guess is that it’s just that community. Like I said, it was a small bubble. On top of that, one of the reasons for creating that bubble is to minimize how much from the outside gets in, so it’s hard to say what the rest of the world is like. Just driving into New Orleans felt like visiting a foreign country.”

Confusion began to give way to a growing unease that Allison couldn’t quite name. “This is starting to sound more and more like they were trying to indoctrinate you into some kind of a cult.”

Remy tried to laugh, but the sound came out nervous and uncertain. “I wouldn’t go that far…though, that being said, there’s obviously an uncomfortable number of parallels between the two.” After an uneasy silence, she seemed to be anxious to press on. “Anyway, that was why I was sitting in my room that day. She’d brought half of the family to help her make demands and scream scripture at me. I spent the entire morning fighting back against them, but…there were just too many. It was bad enough being shouted down by one person, but stuck in a room with five of them? There was no way to even get a word in edgewise, which I guess was the point. It’s how they normally operate. The only difference was that they usually can’t agree on anything long enough to get all the way through a conversation. Anyway, it was…too much. I was sitting there and giving up on even trying to defend myself, all of them shouting over each other to be the one who got to be the one yelling at me at any given moment and…something inside of me broke.”

Allison could only stare blankly and bling, beginning to wonder if she was missing something. “Didn’t you say that this was where the story got better?”

Giving another uncomfortable laugh, Remy gave Allison’s hand a gentle squeeze. “Sorry…that’s how it seems to me when I look back on everything at one time. See, their plan was probably to make that happen. When I stopped fighting back, they stopped screaming. They probably figured they’d won. What they didn’t count on was that I’d still be able to think for myself or that I might do anything other than follow orders. To be fair, I didn’t expect it, either.”

Gathering all of her patience, Allison made a desperate attempt to remain calm and wait for the part that sounded anything like an improvement. “Well, that’s a good thing…I think.”

Remy gave Allison a quick glance and, seemingly unnerved by what she saw, she warily continued. “Well, the thing is that it was that time sitting there and not caring that gave me an opportunity to think about things. I did that all the time, whether I wanted to or not. I always thought about just leaving it all behind, but there was always something to stop me. I was worried about showing my mother she was wrong, not wanting to miss out on the day she finally came to her senses and started treating me like a human being, not really knowing how to survive on my own, not wanting to leave Madison…there was always some reason why I ended up just staying in spite of whatever hurt me enough to make me start thinking about leaving.”

Allison quietly considered what Remy was saying, but her thoughts were derailed by another curiosity. “Didn’t know how to survive? You?”

Remy laughed again, this time sounding far less strained. “You could say that I wasn’t giving myself enough credit. Part of the upbringing was being made to believe that you could never do anything on your own…that you needed her to make it in the world and you’d die alone in the gutter without her.” She seemed to notice Allison’s feeling of disbelief and quietly added, “Her words, not mine. I used to hear her say it at least once a week.”

Before the rage could gain a foothold, Allison threw herself back into the conversation. “But you knew better by that point, right?”

There was a soft sigh as Remy shook her head. “No…I wouldn’t learn that for a while. At the time, I just didn’t care anymore. That was the case with everything across the board, though. The issue with Madison had more or less resolved itself, and the rest just felt like it didn’t matter. That was when I thought about leaving and things were different. It was the first time I’d thought about it and couldn’t come up with an excuse to stay. I came up with plenty a few days later, but by that point it was too late to turn back…thankfully.”

Allison did her best to stay on task, but another new curiosity came to her that she couldn’t ignore. Before she could stop herself, she blurted out, “More or less?” Seeing the look of surprise on Remy’s face, she immediately regretted having said it. “Sorry. I know that’s not the most important thing here.”

Remy laughed softly and leaned forward to kiss Allison’s cheek, then wrapped her arms around her and held her close. “It took some time to get over…what happened. Trust me, though, it’s in the past. If I feel anything for her at this point, it’s hate. I’m still working on letting that go.”

You won’t get any complaints from me if you don’t. “Well, I guess that did end up being a good thing…in a way.”

There was another laugh from Remy just before a gentle hug. “I’d say so. I ended up here with you, so I’d say it worked out in the end.”

“You weren’t trying to come here, though?”

“Not at all. I had no idea where I was going at the time. I just wanted to get away. I kept driving until I ran out of road, then I found a new road. I didn’t stop until I realized that the money was running out and I started thinking about finding some kind of a job. That was where I got lucky again…twice, actually.”

Thinking about the day she met Remy in the store, Allison was forced to admit that she understood how Remy could look at any given one of the things that happened to her as being positive. When she thought about her own moment of leaving home and everything that happened between then and meeting Remy, she couldn’t say that it hadn’t been worth it even if meeting Remy had been the only good thing to come of it.

Feeling a sudden moment of elation, Allison pulled away from Remy and reached for the wine bottle. Suddenly feeling the night air against her skin far more than she had a moment earlier, she thought of getting out of bed on a cold morning as she snatched the bottle from the glacette and rushed back into Remy’s arms before pouring. Glancing up and seeing a curious expression from Remy, she smiled as she finished pouring and pulled the glass toward her lips.

“I’m just thinking about how lucky we both are to have ended up here together. I feel like celebrating.”