Chapter 16: Confused
Felix Sythias’ POV (continued):
I read the last sentence and flipped the book shut. I was sitting in my room on the floor beneath the loft. The space was a little cramped because of Alex's mattress, but I made do. I had spent the morning reading At the end of the rainbow and had finished the book. It was alright, though the upbeat, happy ending felt forced. Now, I was bored.
Alex had already left, and Tiki wasn’t here either. In fact, the entire building was deadly silent. Everyone had gone to meet their mentors and they wouldn’t be back until late in the afternoon. For the first time in several days, I was completely alone.
It was fine; I was used to it. I'd find some way to entertain myself. Except… I wasn’t sure what to do. Most of my stuff was still at home, and I didn’t feel like going to pick it up. I sighed, thinking I should've brought more books with me.
So, instead I laid down, resting my head on Alex’s mattress. He wasn’t using it right now, anyway, and the alternative was laying my head on the cold, hard floor. His scent was strong here. The smell didn’t come from the mattress, though. It did smell like Alex, but the scent wasn’t very strong. He'd only slept in it maybe three times, and lizardkin didn't sweat, so it took time for scent to build up.
No, most of his scent came from the plushie on top of the mattress. Like he had said, Alex had his own plushie, and it was clear he slept with it often. It had clear marks of wear and tear. The stitching wasn’t as neat, the colors had faded slightly, and the filling wasn’t as evenly spread as when it was new. It had roughly the shape of a cat. Its torso and rump had three black stripes on its faded yellow fur, and so did the tail. Bumblebee, he called it; a very fitting name. I thought it was absolutely adorable he also named his plushies.
Like most scents, his was hard to describe it with words. There were some weak undertones of earth and forest, but also of books and scale polish. Mostly it just smelled like Alex, though. The smell was comforting, like he was lying right next to me, reading his book. But inhaling it from the mattress and the plushie like this made it feel invasive and weirdly intimate. I moved my head away and laid it down on the floor instead.
We had moved the mattress and everything here yesterday and I was sure we must have looked ridiculous dragging it through the corridors like we did. I smiled. It was my very first sleepover. I felt a little too old to call it a sleepover, but I ignored that feeling. Better late than never.
We hadn’t yet moved it back to his room, though we’d had plenty of time to do it. It was clear to me he didn’t want to go back just yet, and I didn’t feel like I could tell him to, either. He missed his family and felt alone; I couldn’t just tell him to go away, it didn’t feel right. And I was being honest, I really liked the company too. I didn’t want him to go yet, either.
He would have to move back eventually, though.
We were already growing closer at a rapid pace, and I couldn’t deny that he was handsome. He was sweet and I liked spending time with him. Even though we’d only known each other for a couple of days, I could easily see myself falling for him, given enough time. And that wouldn’t end well for either of us. The chances of him reciprocating were miniscule at best and I would get hurt and then the friendship would be over. It simply wasn’t worth the risk. Was it?
I wanted to talk about it with someone, but with who? Dad wouldn’t understand. I hadn't talked to Hugo in a while, and I didn’t want to bother him with something like this. Sìnna was Alex’s mentor, so I didn’t feel comfortable talking to her about it, and I couldn’t talk directly to Alex about it either—the friendship was going well, and I didn’t want to mess things up.
I looked back at the mattress and shook my head. There had to be more space between us, as much as it pained me. Maybe I would spend some more time with Tiki, too, rather than just with Alex. Though, that was a good idea regardless. Having more friends sounded nice.
I sighed, stood up, and began pacing the edges of my room.
I should never have asked about the damn book. I wouldn’t be having these kinds of thoughts if I hadn’t known he was gay, and that wouldn’t have happened if I’d just kept my mouth shut.
I shook my head to get rid of the bad thoughts. Alex had told me something really personal and I shouldn’t belittle it like that. Like it was a problem. Besides, it wasn’t fair. He wasn’t the problem; I was.
I stopped pacing and purposefully took a few deep breaths to calm down. I had to go do something else. Just anything else, so long as it wasn’t me being stuck inside this room alone with my thoughts and Alex’s scent. Maybe I could go to the library? No… I still needed to pick my classes and a trip to the library would take too long.
I guess I wasn’t putting it off any longer: I had to go pick my classes. The idea felt strange and final. I’d already picked my classes before, but I couldn’t go to those anymore as they were Skill specific and I didn’t have a System. But picking new classes felt like I was giving up somehow. Like I’d accepted that it was final, and that there wasn’t anything to be done about it. But I had to pick them today, regardless of how I felt about the issue.
I grabbed my pouch and put it on, careful not to brush past the stump. I left the saddle off, because I wouldn’t be flying. But not having the saddle on made me feel strangely naked, though, so I equipped it anyway. I still wasn’t sure what classes to pick, so I also grabbed the little guide booklet, too. Then I headed out the door, locking it behind me as I went.
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Alex Sandclaw’s POV:
“Well, that’s all, I think. Unless you had anything else you wanted to ask or discuss, Alex?” Professor Vuillio asked.
The mentor meetings were done in a nearby building filled with classrooms, but most of the students were outside sitting at tables and benches, chatting and waiting for their turn. I was the second one of my group to have their meeting, but was also done the quickest. I’d already met professor Vuillio and there wasn’t really anything new to discuss. It was a formality more than anything.”
I shook my head. “Not at this moment, no.”
“Well, alright. Then I think we’re done here. Can you send in Jeh Mears? She’s a dryad, so you should be able to find her easily enough,” she said, and I packed my stuff.
I said goodbye and made for the door. Outside, I told Jeh it was her turn, then I looked around for familiar faces. I did spot one, but I was in no mood to talk to Alfred. He could go hump sand for all I cared. I’d heard some of the awful stuff he’d said about Felix, me, and the other ‘commoners’. He could talk all he wanted, but out of all of us, he was the only one who didn’t deserve to be here. At least his sister, Tiki, was nice.
Speaking of Tiki, I didn’t see her anywhere, so she must be inside having her meeting. I decided I’d wait for her before going back to the dorms so I sat down and took out my drawing book. I hadn’t really had much time to draw lately, so I wanted to make the most of the time I had now. Especially since I wasn’t sure how much time I would have when classes started next week; some of the textbooks were thick.
I flipped through the pages, looking at my previous sketches for inspiration. I didn’t find any, so I defaulted back to what I’d been trying to draw this morning: Felix.
He was reasonably complex, and while I wasn’t that great at drawing, it was possible. I’d be trying to draw him from memory, though, and that made it more difficult.
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I began with blocking out the shapes, but quickly moved on to the details. I didn’t have any paint and couldn’t color him in, so I just imagined my drawing was blue. First, I did his wing, then his body. Unlike me, his back was smooth and clear of any ridges or spikes. Good thing too, else riding him would’ve been really unpleasant; even with the saddle.
His head wasn’t clear of spikes, though. He had two low sweeping horns between his ears, and a few shallow spikes running down his spine which became smaller and smaller the further down they went, until they disappeared at the base of his neck. The horns weren’t very long—only about a hand and a half in length—and I couldn’t imagine what kind of purpose they served.
His snout was a lot like mine, so I felt out the details of my own with my hands and then did my best to put the shape down on paper. It looked a little off, so I made corrections. The tail was easier, though, and so were the talons.
Drawing the hind legs made my thoughts wander back to the poster on Felix’s wall and since the angle allowed for it, I absent-mindedly drew a single line where his slit would be. By the time I realized what I was doing, it was too late to erase it without undoing a lot of work.
I sighed. I’d joked about the poster with Tiki yesterday, but only because I’d found my mind going there myself. It made me… uncomfortable, thinking about another man like that. The thought of anything sexual, or even the thought of having a relationship, was overwhelming and my mind cringed away from the idea.
Felix had helped me a lot yesterday, but I still found it hard to believe I could be normal. But then, I thought Felix was normal—as normal as a dragon could be, anyway—and he was like me, too. Gay. He was gay like me, too. So if he was normal, why couldn’t I be as well?
It still felt weird to use that word—gay—to describe myself. But it felt right, as well. Like putting the last piece of a puzzle into place and finally seeing the full picture of who I was. It was just something I had to get used to, I guessed. Going to that lizardkin support group would probably help too. I’d have to ask Felix to introduce me later.
I didn’t want to talk about it with anyone, really. But if there was someone who could understand what I was going through, I’d probably find it with them. And Felix said I could trust them, and I trusted Felix quite a bit now. At least, enough to believe he had my best interests at heart, so I guess I could trust them a little, too. Besides, what did I have to lose?
It was strange knowing that Felix was gay, or probably gay. That idea felt weird to me; that he felt so unsure about it. Though I hated to admit it, I’d known it about myself since the moment I understood attraction, and even before that I knew I was different. I guessed that if I’d grown up here, or in a similar environment, I might not realize it until later, either.
It made me see Felix differently. He was still the same person, and I knew he was, but I was looking at him from a different angle. It put some behaviors into new contexts, like how he hadn’t looked at any of the women, despite there being quite a few attractive ones in the group. And though his actions weren’t different from before, I now saw them in a different light. Like reading together in the nest yesterday. Before I came out to Felix it had felt comfortable and friendly, but afterwards it had an intimate feeling to it as well.
Maybe it was just because we were closer after the conversation than before, or maybe it was the new context giving another layer of meaning to the physical contact. Or maybe there was no explanation; feelings didn’t always have one.
“What are you drawing?” someone asked from behind me, startling me and making me drop my pencil. I turned around to find Tiki standing there, grinning.
“Don’t sneak up on me like that!”
She just chuckled and continued talking like nothing had happened, “Oh, you’re drawing Felix! It looks good! Though I think you got this scale pattern here wrong…” She pointed at Felix’s belly. “They’re a lighter shade of blue there.”
It was true, I’d just forgotten. Felix’s entire underside was a slightly lighter color than the rest of him. I carefully and lightly let the eraser go over that part of the drawing, and fixed any places where it wiped away too much.
[Skill ‘drawing’ has leveled up! 11->12]
“Oh, neat. My drawing Skill just leveled up.”
“You have a skill for drawing?” she asked.
“Yeah, I had a few open Skill slots and I enjoy it, so why not? I can always merge it or replace it with something else.”
“Be careful you don’t level it too high,” she said. “Replacing it gets increasingly difficult with each level.”
“I know, don’t worry.”
“Have you had your meeting yet?” she asked, and I nodded. “Want to go back to the dorms, then?”
“Sure, let me just pack away my stuff.”
We walked the ten minutes back to the dorms talking about our mentors. She didn’t like hers.
“Honestly, he reminds me of who I’m trying very hard not to be any more,” she said with a frown. “Elitist, snobbish, and a prick. It’s very grating, but at least it’s a good reminder of why I shouldn’t want to be like that anymore.”
“If it’s any comfort, I don’t think you’re very snobbish or a prick,” I told her.
She smiled. “Thanks.”
We were near the dorms now, and could see a few people milling about the garden, including Felix. He was walking down a path leading away from the dorms.
“Hey, Felix, wait up!” I yelled at him. He looked in our direction, then quickened his pace.
“Did… he just ignore us?” I asked.
“It appears he did. What’s that all about?”
I shrugged. “Maybe he needed to be alone for a bit?”
“I think I know him well enough now to know he would’ve just told us if that were the case,” she said, and I agreed. I really wanted to follow and ask what was up, but he was already gone. “Come on, let’s go inside.”
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Felix didn’t return until after dinner. I was sitting in my own room, reading the last chapter of At the end of the rainbow, when he knocked on my door. I was really liking the ending of the book. It had come a little out of nowhere, but it was positive and hopeful. It made me feel positive and hopeful as well. I marked the page and put the book away to open the door.
“Hi, Felix! Come in.”
He glanced around the room doubtfully. “You know I don’t fit, right?”
“Oh, right,” I said, feeling a bit stupid for forgetting. “What’s up?”
He scratched the scales behind his ears. It was very lizardkin-like. “I wanted to apologize for ignoring you earlier. I, um, needed some space to think.”
“Oh, okay. You could’ve just said that, you know? It would’ve been a lot less confusing.”
“I know, sorry.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“No… I… No, it’s fine.” He looked around my room, noticing my still empty bed frame. “We should move your mattress back soon.”
Now it was my turn to scratch the scales behind my ear. “About that,” I said, drawing out the word, “I know you said only one night, but I was wondering if you might make an exception and let me sleep over again.”
If he said no, I’d be fine. I’d slept alone for several months, I could do it again. But that didn’t mean I wanted it to happen right now. Not if I could do something about it. Besides, what else would I do? Not ask? The worst that could happen was him saying no.
“I… um…” He looked conflicted about it. Like, unreasonably conflicted about it. There was something else going on here, and I didn’t know what. ”I shouldn’t, but…” He sighed and his tail sagged. “Fine, alright. You can stay.”
I felt bad for asking now, and a little hurt. Why was he so reluctant? Did he not like me? Was he breaking some rules I didn’t know about? “You can say no if you don’t want me to, you know,” I said, ”I survived several months alone, I can deal with sleeping in a dorm.”
“I know,” he said. “I’m just being dumb, sorry. You said you can’t sleep well when you’re alone, I have plenty of space,and the company is nice, so you can stay for a little while longer until you feel like you can sleep by yourself again, I don’t mind.”
Well, that was confusing, and that last bit was clearly a lie, but I wasn’t not going to take a yes for an answer. I’d wanted a yes, and I’d got it. There was no point in arguing further. Though I wondered what that was all about.
It clearly had something to do with what happened earlier when he ignored me. It had all started after I revealed I was gay. Did he have a problem with it, after all? Except… that didn’t make sense. He said he was gay, and it didn’t seem like he was lying, so why would he have a problem with me being gay as well? And he didn’t have an issue with me staying in his room yesterday, so why would he now? But what else could it be? It was the only thing that changed.
Did he maybe just realize that he was sharing the room with someone else who was gay? The thought had crossed my mind, though I shied away from the idea of anything happening, so I’m sure it crossed his as well.
I sighed, and Felix looked over. I shook my head at him and followed him down the corridor. There was no point speculating about it now. I’d just ask him later. Then again, maybe not. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know the answer.