Chapter 37: Unshackled

Alex Sandclaw’s POV (continued):

“I, um…”

I stood there, my jaw hanging open, staring at the last face I’d expected to come across here—Viggi. The other two people standing by the door had green and brown scales, respectively. And they were women. That was unexpected, but I supposed it made sense. Somewhere along the way I’d forgotten that women could be gay too. Viggi turned to them.

“Why don’t you two go on ahead, I’ll catch up.”

They agreed and went inside the room. While the door was open, I caught glimpses of all kinds of colored scales: from yellow, to white, to vibrant blue. Then the door shut, and I was alone in the hallway with Viggi.

Why did I come here? I felt so sure on the way here, but now… not so much. What if they didn’t like me? What if they judged me? And why did Viggi look so handsome? His clothes were casual, but they looked really nice and his scales had been polished to perfection. My eyes flickered away from his pretty green scales and to the door. Did I really have to go in there? It looked like there were at least a dozen people, and that wasn’t even all of them yet. More were still on the way.

“Alex?” Viggi asked, startling me out of my trance.

“I—sorry, it’s very overwhelming. I’m here for the support group. Just like you probably are, now that I think about it.”

In hindsight, it made complete sense. He was gay, and a lizardkin, so why wouldn’t he be at the lizardkin support group? It had just never occurred to me he might also be here. He just seemed so confident; what need would he have for a support group? Suddenly it also made sense why the date he had asked me out on so perfectly matched up with the meeting times of the support group.

“I am, yeah,” he said. “I didn’t expect you here, though. Guess I was right, then, huh?”

It took me a moment to figure out what he meant. He meant that he’d guessed correctly that I was gay. Once again, I didn’t like how that made me feel. It was my secret to tell, not his to figure out. But it was something I had to get used to, it seemed. It did make me wonder how my secret had gone undiscovered for so long back home. Maybe they knew and just didn’t say anything, hoping it would go away with time? I pushed the thought away, not wanting to go down another sand-rabbit hole.

“You mean, guessed that I’m…” I asked, leaving the sentence hanging.

“Gay?” he finished for me, and I nodded meekly. A thoughtful look crossed onto his face. “I didn’t know at first, honestly. I just took a shot, hoping I would hit—just to clarify, you did understand I asked you out, right?”

I nodded “Not until you’d already left, but yeah, I did.”

He chuckled. “Good, I haven't lost my skills entirely then. Anyway, I didn't know it then. It wasn’t until you and Felix came to the restaurant that I had my guesses. How many people know?”

I took a moment to count the people up who knew. Mom, dad, my little brother, the family who was there, Felix, Tiki, and now Viggi. The number was high. Very high. I wasn’t sure if I liked it that so many people knew my secret. And that number was only going to go up today if I told the group. The group that was a dozen people at least. I wasn’t sure I could do that. Did I really have to?

“Um, including you? Nine.”

“That’s not a lot,” he said, contradicting my conclusion, then a thought crossed his face. “How many did you tell?”

“Just Felix,” I said, not counting my family. I didn’t so much tell them as much as it had just blurted out.

A pained expression crossed his face. “Oh, I’m sorry, Alex. I didn’t mean to take away your chance to tell it yourself. I know what that’s like and I should’ve thought of it, honestly. If it’s any consolation, you’ll find that you relatively quickly stop caring as much.”

I just nodded, and we lapsed into silence. It wasn’t quite comfortable, but it wasn’t uncomfortable either. The air was thick with the tension of an unanswered question, but I didn’t know how to bring up the date. How could I tell him no, or more accurately, not yet, when he was so kind? I didn’t want to make him feel bad, and the idea that I might made me feel guilty.

Viggi was the first to break the silence. “I wasn’t expecting you until later. Well, not really expecting so much as hoping,” he said, scratching the scales in his neck. “I honestly didn’t think I’d see you before Tuesday. But, um, did you want to join me for dinner after this?”

I opened my mouth but hesitated. I didn’t want to upset him, or make him angry. I didn’t think he would, but how would I know? I didn’t know him very well at all. He must have noticed my slight hesitation because he spoke again.

“If you don’t want to, that’s okay, too, you know? I honestly wasn’t expecting much anyway, so I’ll be fine. If you say no, I promise I won’t be upset, sad, or angry,” he said, then paused before adding. “Maybe a little disappointed, but I think that’s only fair.”

It made me feel better, but not any less unsure. No one could control their emotions, after all. He could promise it all he wanted, but if push came to shove, would he be able to keep to it? It was enough to put me at ease, though.

“Sorry,” I said, immediately regretting my word of choice to start with. I took a deep breath, about to say something I’d never told another man before, nevermind in this context. “You’re very handsome, and you’ve been kind, but I just don’t know you very well and this is all very new to me. I’m not saying no, but I am saying ‘not yet.’ Do you think you could give me some more time to think about it?”

It had been difficult to say, especially to tell another man that I found him handsome, but it was also weirdly validating. I was gay, and this was the first real time I acted on that. It felt good. I was sure I’d panic or cringe over it when I laid in bed this evening, but until then I’d make sure to savor the feeling.

Viggi let out a sigh. “I really was expecting you to just say no. Of course I can give you some time. No open-ended time-limits, though. I’ve had… unpleasant experiences in the past—that I won’t go into—and I really don’t want to be kept waiting forever again.”

Reading on Amazon or a pirate site? This novel is from Royal Road. Support the author by reading it there.

I nodded. “That’s fair,” I said, meaning it, too. As much as I disliked the idea of having a deadline on my decision, it was his only requirement, and a very reasonable one at that. “How about… two weeks?”

He nodded. “Seems reasonable enough; that works for me. It doesn’t really matter how long though, just that there’s a defined limit. I might tell you about why some time, but it wasn’t pretty, and I don’t want to get into it right now. Maybe once we know each other better.”

“Sounds good.”

He nodded in agreement, then looked down the hallway. “It seems everyone’s here.”

I couldn't see or hear anything, but his level was much higher than my measly eight, so I took his word for it. He turned back to me. “Are you ready?”

I glanced at the door, then back at him. “I think I’m as ready as I’m ever going to be.”

He grinned at me and just a moment later Hugo came around the corner, two others trailing behind him.

“Ah, I see you’ve met Viggi! I promise he isn’t as scary as he looks,” he said with a wide grin. He leaned in as if to tell me a secret. “Don’t tell him I told you this, but he’s actually a real softy,” he whispered loudly. Viggi pretended to not have heard him, but it was obvious from his playful smirk that he had.

“I promise I won’t tell,” I whispered back, playing along. The fun made some of my worry melt away and I relaxed a little as I realized I would now have at least two people I could get along with.

“It’s good that you decided to join us, Alex. It will be nice to have another youngster among us,” Hugo said in his normal voice. “Now come, we’ll get started soon.”

He walked past us and to the door, holding it open for us. The others went through, but I hesitated. Viggi noticed and walked over to stand beside me.

“There’s nothing to worry about. They’ll like you, you’ll see.”

I nodded, took a deep breath and walked into the room. Viggi trailed a small distance behind me. Inside, there were a lot of people, mostly older students and full Academy members. There were only two other students my age, and they were the two women Viggi had been chatting with earlier. All in all, there were about twenty people here.

Everyone stood, but there was a circle of chairs around us. Hugo called for the meeting to start, and the conversation quieted down while everyone took seats. I had the awkward realization I had to pick a seat, too. I cast my eyes around the circle and didn’t really see any places I could sit. Until I got to the end, where Hugo sat. Next to him were four open spots. Viggi was already sitting down in one and he patted the seat next to him while gesturing at me, so I walked over and sat down next to him.

The chair was the most comfortable I’d used in a long time. The chairs at school were fine, but lizardkin tails had only been an afterthought when those were designed. With these, they most certainly were not. There was lots of space, so even the widest tail fit through, and there was some sort of arm-rest behind the chair to put your tail on so it didn’t just hang off the edge all awkwardly, but could gently curve to the ground instead. I looked around and saw that people were adjusting it. I looked behind the chair, and found that, yes, I could too. My tail was bigger, heavier, and less flexible than most, so I put the holder a little higher, and a little further back.

I turned to Viggi and gave him a huge grin, and he shot me a knowing grin back. I felt silly for getting so excited about a chair, but I couldn’t help it. It wasn’t just great because it was comfortable, but also because of the fact that it was designed for us. In a place that wasn’t really designed with us in mind, that was a great feeling, and it made me miss home just a little less. Now feeling more at ease, I turned to Hugo and waited for him to begin, and as soon as everyone was quiet, he did.

“Welcome everyone. As you may have noticed, we have three new people with us today, so we’ll start with introductions,” he said, then turned to face us four—well, three, but Viggi sat in our midst. He gestured to himself. “I’m Hugo, and I run this group. My hobbies are cooking, woodcarving, spending time with my kids, and tickling my husband—who sadly isn’t here today since the babysitter had to cancel. I like comfy winter mornings and hate rainy fall days.”

He spoke like he’d said it a thousand times before, with a steady voice and no hesitations. The next person spoke up, introducing herself. And then the next, and the next, and the next. Each person told their names, their hobbies, something they liked and hated, and they all found a way to include their sexuality or gender somehow. Some introduced themselves and their husbands or wives—and in one case their husband and their wife—while others just straight up said they were gay, or bisexual, asexual, non-binary, transgender, and so forth.

I learned quite a few new terms and ideas—such as bisexuality and transgender people—as the people talking were more than happy to explain what words meant whenever I, or anyone else, looked confused. After the third time, I just started asking them directly. No one seemed to take offense to that, and they even encouraged it. The ideas didn’t all make sense to me, but I supposed they didn’t have to. I would learn and understand in time.

The two women Viggi talked to earlier were a couple and were called Sekara and Zhalia. They had a matching interest in rock climbing and Elven food. Sekara was a trans woman, too. I now had a rudimentary knowledge of what that meant and I wasn’t entirely sure what to think of it, but they seemed supportive of me, so the least I could do was return the favor. I’d figure out what to think of it later.

Viggi’s introduction didn’t really tell me anything I didn’t already know—he enjoyed flying, good food, and board games, and disliked gardening—except for one thing: he was bisexual instead of gay. That meant he found both men and women attractive.

Learning about that word had sent hope running down my back. Could I be bisexual and still be able to love women? If that were the case, I could just pretend I was straight and go back home. But no, I knew damned well I only felt an attraction towards men. Besides, did I really want to go home? Back to that awful place, with those awful people, and that awful culture? It would mean leaving everything I had here, and I really liked what I had here. I had friends who liked me for who I was, rather than who I pretended to be. I had a good place to live and a future to feel hopeful about. But above all, Felix was here. He’d become a large part of my life, and I loved spending time with him, and didn’t want that to stop. I also didn’t think I could go without his hugs for so long. Nor his cuddles. Nor his—Viggi nudged me, and I realized it was my turn to introduce myself. I smiled sheepishly, and received a few understanding smiles back.

I took a deep breath and said what I’d prepared while listening to the rest talk. “Hi,” I said with a small wave, suddenly feeling a lot more nervous, “I’m Alex. I like r-reading, math, and hugs. I love reading outside with my friend on a nice sunny afternoon and hate my previous math professor. Also, I’m…”

I trailed off, suddenly realizing I was about to come out to over twenty people. It was a lot easier to think about than actually do. Did I even want to do it? I thought so. Especially after finding out how validating it could be to just be open about it during my conversation with Viggi. This space felt safe, and everyone else trusted me enough to tell me about themselves, so why shouldn’t I do the same?

“You don’t have to finish that if you don’t want to, Alex,” Hugo said, putting a reassuring hand on my shoulder. “No one here will judge you for it. We all know how difficult it can be.”

I shook my head. I wanted to tell them. Almost needed to, I realized. The idea of finally letting the secret out like that felt exhilarating. I’d been carrying it out around for so long, it was like a heavy chain around my ankle, dragging behind me and slowing me down. Telling Felix had helped a lot, but it hadn’t been entirely intentional, and he was only a single person. And neither Tiki nor Viggi discovering my secret felt as freeing as telling it to Felix had been. Because that had been my choice. My choice to cast off that dead weight, my choice to accept myself, and my choice to decide how my future should go.

I took a deep breath, faced the group of over twenty people, and threw off the chains.

“…I’m gay,” I said, and for the first time in years, I could breathe.