Chapter 17: Breakfast talks
Felix Sythias’s POV:
I had been lying awake for hours now, thinking and listening to Alex breathing. It was very soft, but my hearing still picked it up. It didn’t bother me much. If anything, it was a comforting reminder I wasn’t alone in here.
Alex had asked if he could stay here again, and I’d caved. I’d wanted to say no, I should’ve said no, but I’d said yes. It still felt like it was too risky, but a part of me wanted to give it a chance, and I stupidly listened to it.
I’d spent most of the afternoon thinking about it, and I’d concluded that whether or not I felt anything, or whether the feelings I felt were even real, I wanted to see where they would take me, so I said yes. I blamed dad for my hopeful outlook.
Besides, I knew I was being stupid by assigning so much meaning to something so silly. Letting him stay another night wasn’t going to be the difference between catching, or not catching, feelings. If it happened, it happened. Not letting him stay was just a pointless attempt to give me a sense of control.
And honestly, with the way I’ve been thinking and worrying about it, chances were I was already too late, anyway. What might now only be inklings of feelings would turn into a full on crush soon enough. I wondered if the characters in my books ever felt this way.
Now I felt lost about what to do. The part of me that made me say yes earlier now wanted me to ask Alex out on a date, just to see where it would take us. The rational part of my mind told me just how stupid an idea that was. My body shape was wildly different from anyone else, and the chances that he could be attracted to me at all were very slim, and the chances that he actually was attracted to me thus even slimmer.
There was the possibility he didn’t care about the physical aspects of a relationship, but that wasn’t the kind of relationship I wanted. Sex was important to me. I knew enough about myself to know that. So I put that possibility under reasons it wouldn’t work out as well.
But putting that all aside, I still wasn’t sure what I felt, or if I was just tricking my brain into panicking over nothing because there was someone I liked—not necessarily romantically—and they were gay too. Which brought me to yet another issue. Alex only just came out to me. It didn’t feel right to then go up to him and say I wanted more than friendship. It wasn’t fair. He should have the chance to experience just being accepted by a friend.
In any case, I decided to give myself time. If I was just confused or tricking myself into thinking there should be more to my feelings than friendship just because he was gay too—and I was seriously considering that latter option—I would find out in time. I’d revisit the issue in a month.
I turned around in my bed and grabbed Drugu, holding the plushie tight to my chest with all four limbs. I closed my eyes and tried to catch some sleep.
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Having come to a decision the previous night, I felt better in the morning. I climbed down from the loft and went to say good morning to Alex. He was still in his bed, hugging Bumblebee with a death-grip. It seemed my tail wasn’t his only victim.
I let him lie in bed while I went to the kitchen to make breakfast. I wasn’t that great at anything but meat, but Tiki, who was also in the kitchen, helped me make pancakes for Alex. I wasn’t sure if he’d like them, or if this was something that lizardkin considered breakfast at all, but he’d have to make do. Worst case, I’d make him something else. Or, better yet, we did it together.
Carrying two plates was awkward when you needed all four limbs to walk. I had to place both plates on my back and carefully balance them while I walked back. Normally I would put my stuff in any of my pockets, or carry it in my maw, but that wasn’t really an option with plates of food. Luckily the kitchen was on the same floor as the entrance to my room, so I didn’t have to try to walk up the stairs while balancing the fragile plates.
When I got back to the room Alex was awake and getting dressed. He’d taken fresh clothes with him last evening, and because he didn’t sweat, could just wear them without having to wash up first. The perks of being reptilian, I supposed.
He pulled a shirt over his head and turned to face me with a smile. “That smells great. I’d wondered where you’d gone. Did you also make some for me?”
I nodded and asked him to help me get the plates off my back and we sat down to eat. There wasn’t a table, but Alex’s chair was still here, so he sat down on that while I just sat on the ground.
“You made pancakes?” Alex asked with bemusement. “I haven’t had these since I was eight.”
“Oh, sorry. Do you want a cut of my food, instead?”
He chuckled. “I didn’t mean that as criticism. I love these. We just didn’t have the ingredients for them often. Especially not the last few years,” he said and smiled. “Thanks.”
“I hope they’re good. I haven’t made any before.”
“I’m sure they’ll be fine,” he said.
We ate our breakfast, and he ended up enjoying the pancakes, though he did give me a few areas of improvement. Apparently I made them too thick. That was fine, I could make thinner pancakes next time.
“Where did you go yesterday? I forgot to ask.” Alex asked.
I swallowed a mouthful of steak. “I went to pick my classes and then just wandered about the campus for a few hours.”
“Oh, right. You did say you still needed to go pick them. Which classes did you end up going for?”
“Oh,” I said, thinking for a moment before listing my choices off. “I went with Unconventional Casting Media, Advanced Elementalism, Basic Lightning Magic, Fundamental Magic, and Aerial Combat.”
“It seems we’ll share a few classes, then. Professor Vuillio agreed with your suggestion for Unconventional Casting Media, but she also suggested I take something to expand my elements beyond the basic four and the idea of swinging a lightning-sword around sounded awesome, so I took Basic Lightning Magic as well.”
I smiled. “That’s great, we can do the homework together. If you want to, of course. What other classes did you pick?”
“I went with Basic Flight, Basic Swords and Magic, and Magic 101 like you suggested.”
“Basic Flight?” I asked, surprised that he would pick something like that. “That’s not very spellsword-like. Why did you pick it?”
He shrugged. “I really enjoyed flying with you and wanted to learn more about it and I had class left to pick, anyway,” he said.
I smiled. “Well, if you need more practical experience, be sure to let me know. I'm always up for a flight. Once my wing has regrown, anyway.”
“Oh," he said, grinning widely, "I definitely will. I'll ask to ride you so many times you'll get sick of it.”
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I snickered at his unintentional innuendo, and his face turned to confusion.
“What? Why are you laughing?” he asked.
“Ah, you accidentally made an innuendo, and I didn’t expect it,” I told him.
His face soured, though there was still some confusion there as well. I realized he probably didn’t get why it was an innuendo. "That's not what I meant, and you know it."
"Sorry."
He sighed. "No, no. Don't apologize, it's my own fault," he said and paused, thinking about something. When he spoke again, his voice was a little reluctant. “I don’t really get what you meant, but If I'm being honest, even if I did, I couldn't even imagine the possibility of anything happening,” he said, then rushed to clarify. “With anyone, I mean. Not kissing, nor a relationship, let alone anything more.” He leaned back in his chair, looking up at the ceiling. “I've denied myself the possibility for so long that the entire idea seems foreign. Even if there was someone I liked, I wouldn't even know where to begin.”
I listened carefully, storing the information away under 'reasons catching feelings for Alex will not end well'. He wasn’t ready for a relationship and probably wouldn't be for a while. Then I thought of something appropriate to say.
"I think you've already begun just by talking and thinking about it," I said. "Just give it time; you'll figure it out. In the meantime, if you need someone to talk to, I'm here for you. And if you want, I can still introduce you to that support group."
He was quiet for a long moment, before responding. "I… I think that would be a good idea."
I let out a breath of relief. Hugo and his group would be able to help so much more than I ever could.
Alex shook his head. "Well, enough of that," he said. "Tell me about your classes. The names give me a rough idea, but I want details!"
I chuckled and went along with his attempt to change the subject, so I told him about my classes. He already knew about Unconventional Casting Media and Basic Lightning Magic, so I skipped those.
Advanced Elementalism was just like Basic Elementalism and taught all about the four basic magic affinities: water, air, earth, and fire. But unlike the basic class, it delved into more complex theory and problems, and also introduced the light and shadow affinities. It would hopefully expand my instinctive magic capabilities.
Fundamental Magic was all about enchanting and making spells. It was an old magic language. So old that it was theorized that it predated the System itself and that it actually was what the System translated its spells into. It was absurdly inefficient until mastered and a difficult language to boot, making it an unpopular class. But anyone could take it regardless of level or year—and still I'd be one of only five students attending. I wanted to learn magic though, and this was currently the best I could do. I just hoped the theories about anyone being able to do it were correct.
Aerial Combat was pretty self-explanatory and not at all, both at once. It did teach how to fight in the air, but also focused on defending from aerial attacks, and how to take down an enemy that could fly. I hoped it would make me more effective by teaching me what others might do to try to take me down, so I could plan for it.
"How are you going to attend Aerial Combat with only one wing?" Alex asked.
I shrugged. "I don't know yet. I'll have to ask the professor next week when I first have the class. Hopefully, we'll focus on any theory first," I said. "How are you going to attend Basic Flight without any wings?"
"The class isn't actually about flying, you know, but the theory behind it. Aero-physics or something."
"Aerodynamics," I corrected. "And I know; I've read that class's text books several times. I was just joking."
"You have?” he asked, raising an eye-ridge. “Why?"
“Because I’m funny.” He gave me a deadpan stare. “Fine, fine. It’s because the better I understand the mechanics of something, the better I can use it with instinctive magic. I wanted to know how I could boost my speed, so I had to learn how I was able to fly in the first place.”
"Oh!" Alex exclaimed, "Is that why you're taking the lightning class?"
I smiled. "It is. Though, I will need to see if I can learn it first. I haven’t actually used any affinities beyond the basic four. I’m not even sure I even can."
“I’m sure you’ll do fine.”
We cleaned up the plates, and I went to go wash them and put them back in the kitchen while Alex cleaned up his bed. The kitchen was empty now. I held the plates over the sink and blasted them with water magic. I could’ve used a sponge or something, but my claws would’ve damaged them and this worked just as well. I put the plates away and returned to my room.
When I got back, Alex was just about done making his bed. I looked at it and sighed.
“I’m guessing you want to stay here again tonight?” I asked.
“If it isn’t a problem, yeah,” he said. I thought about it for a moment but he spoke again before I could answer, “Actually, before you answer, I wanted to ask you something. Why were you so reluctant about me staying last night? You’ve been acting weird ever since I told you I was… um, gay. I thought you might have a problem with it after all, but that didn’t make any sense. But I have no idea what else it might be.”
I suppose in a really roundabout way, it was, but I wasn’t telling him that. What was I going to say, though? I couldn’t just tell him I was afraid of catching feelings. It was outside of my control, anyway. Actually, that might work.
“No, no, nothing like that,” I said. “I was just foolishly trying to exert control over something inherently outside of it,” I said and he looked as confused as I felt. But I couldn’t elaborate without giving myself away. Part of me wondered if that would be such a bad thing, though. I shook my head and continued, “Don’t worry about it. The problem is with me, not you. And it’s definitely not because you’re gay, Alex. Like I said before, you’re just as normal to me as anyone else. You can stay tonight if you want.”
“I’m not sure I understand, but alright. Just let me know if you want to talk about it, maybe I can help.”
I shook my head. “It’s something I’ll have to figure out by myself, but thanks.”
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After breakfast, I traveled to the restaurant district for an errand. I walked through its streets, taking in all the rich smells. There were dozens of different meats, types of bread, vegetables, and spices. It made for an intoxicating experience that had me salivating. I wasn’t here for food though. My stomach grumbled. Well, not just food.
At the end of the street stood a stall. It sold meat on sticks and other foods from the Dry Territories. It was a popular stall and there was already a long line, despite it not even being lunchtime yet. This was my destination, so I joined the queue.
The stall was owned by Hugo, who ran the lizardkin support group. I regularly visited him, and he had told me all about his group. I didn’t know when or where it was held though, which is why I was here.
It wasn’t long before it was my turn. Hugo stood behind the counter and was adding more sticks with meat on them to the grill and turning others. He was a tall lizardkin of the water monitor type. I’d met him years ago during my lizardkin research spree and he was friendly and welcoming so I made an effort to visit his stall and even his home at least once a month.
“Hi Hugo! Two sticks please, with traditional seasoning,” I said, before remembering not all of it was for me, “Oh, and can you put one in a bag?”
“Felix! It’s been a while, how have you been?” Hugo said with a wide smile while grabbing two sticks off the grill. He wrapped one up, put it in a bag, and then handed both to me. “That’ll be four points, by the way.”
I handed him my card while I answered, “I’m doing mostly great. Finally made a friend, which is why I’m here, actually. You still run that support group, right?”
He ran the card over the payment enchantment and handed it back to me. “I do,” he said. “Your new friend is a lizardkin, then? About your age?” I nodded. “Well, they’re most welcome to join. That is, if they want to. Seeing as you’re here asking instead of your friend, I’m not so sure if that’s the case.”
“He’s not very comfortable talking about it yet,” I explained, “and I offered to introduce him, so it only made sense I was the one to get the details.”
“Hmm, alright then. Viggi will be thrilled to have someone his own age in the group. What should I expect? Is he gay, trans, something else? If you can tell me, of course.” I stared at him for a moment and he slapped his forehead. “Right, duh. You just said he wasn’t comfortable talking about it. Sorry, I didn’t get much sleep last night.”
“It’s fine,” I said, “When and where do you guys meet up?”
“Oh, you just missed it, actually. We meet up on Friday evenings at the old yodeling hall. They haven’t needed since they built the new one, so they’ve let groups like ours use it. Here, let me write it down for you, then you can give it to your friend.”
He took out a piece of paper and wrote the details down and handed it to me. I put it away with the bag of meat. “Thanks. I’ll stop holding up the line now, then. I’ll see you again when I drop Alex off next week.”
I waved at him while he helped the next customer, who gave me a death glare for holding up the line. I bit into the meat on a stick, savoring the spicy seasoning, and walked back to the dorms.