Chapter 15: Shaking up the closet

Felix Sythias’ POV (continued):

“Sweet moons,” I heard Tiki say. I looked over and saw her pulling herself over the edge of the loft. She collapsed on the floor beside my bed and rolled onto her back, gasping for air. “You have to climb this every day?” she asked. “Who thought that was a good idea?”

“Normally I can fly, and the climb is easier for me. Also hi, Tiki. What’s up?”

“One moment. Let me catch my breath. I really need to work on my cardio.” I waited until her breathing calmed down. She was right though, she really needed to work on her cardio if this climb had gotten her this tired already. Else, combat classes were going to be hard for her. “I got bored of reading and thought I could come take a look. It’s nice up here, though the edge is making me anxious. Shouldn’t there be a guard rail or something? I feel like I could just fall off.”

“That would make the loft really annoying to climb to, and besides, it’s made for me, and I wouldn’t even break a bone falling from up here.”

“Huh. But what about bathroom trips? I can’t imagine having to climb up and down every time you need to pee is pleasant.”

“Oh, I don’t have a need for that. My body doesn’t produce waste.”

She frowned. “Then why do you still have… I mean, the poster showed you still have a dick and everything. Why?”

“That’s what grabbed your attention, huh?” I said, smirking, then shrugged. Alex yelped as the movement shifted him about. I mumbled an apology to him, then actually responded to Tiki’s question. “Why do you humanoids still have a tailbone?”

“Because I have a tail!” Alex said while Tiki just shrugged.

I laughed. “I don’t know why I still have them. The expert’s best guess is that it’s still necessary for reproduction so I still got it. Not that there are any dragon ladies around to test that theory.”

“Huh, strange.”

“Indeed, it is. But I don’t mind. It’s not like it’s in the way.”

We were both quiet for a little while, neither of us knowing what to talk about next.

“What are you reading?” she asked after an awkward moment. I motioned her closer and showed her the book.

“At the end of the rainbow…” She read the title out loud, and I could feel Alex tense up against me. She turned it around and read the synopsis. “Romance book, huh? Didn’t take you for the type.”

“No dragon men around, or ladies for that matter,” I shrugged, more carefully this time. “Helps me cope.”

“Oh, right. Sorry.” She handed me the book back. “You’re not interested in us bipeds, then?”

“I can be. But any attraction is usually limited by the loose skin and tail-less-ness most everyone has; they don’t really make for attractive qualities. Not to me, anyway.”

She glanced at Alex but didn’t say anything. “Then what’s the issue? There’s all kinds of fish in the sea, I’m sure there’s someone for you as well.”

“People suck,” I said. “And the very small group of people that I’m attracted to, and that are attracted to me as well, is filled with people who don’t have my best interest at heart. Let’s just keep it at that. Maybe I’ll tell you the full story one day if we know each other better.”

She smiled. “When. When we know each other better.”

I smiled back. I think I just made another friend.

“Anyway, I’ll leave you guys to your cuddle-pile then. I’m gonna visit my brother. I think he’ll have cooled down by now, I hope.”

She climbed back to the ground, complaining about it the whole way down. A minute later the door closed behind her.

Alex sat tense and unmoving beside me all the while; only after she’d left did he relax.

“You okay?” I asked, looking over at him. He looked as nervous as he felt just a moment ago. “I know you didn’t really want me to talk about it, but I figured lying or hiding the book would’ve been worse.”

“No... no, it’s okay,” he said slowly.

“She seemed fine with it. I think you’ll be okay around her. If you want to tell people about it, that is,” I said. It felt weird avoiding the words like this, talking about it only with vague terms and sentences like I was a spy talking about a dangerous secret, while in reality I was just talking about Alex maybe being gay.

But it was what he wanted, and not everyone had it as easy as we did here.

He fidgeted with his tail, clearly uncomfortable with the subject. “Did… did you mean it when you said ‘dragon men’? That you’re… that you’re like the characters in the book?”

“You mean gay?” I said, and he flinched at the word.

“Yeah,” he said, unable to meet my eyes. “That.”

“I’m not sure,” I said after a moment. “But I think I am.”

“How can you be unsure?” he asked, seeming a little confused.

I shrugged, careful to not bump into Alex. “I’ve never really had the opportunity to try things out. There was this one time with a woman, but it didn’t really get anywhere before I had to stop it. For all I know, I’m just lonely and this is my brain’s way of coping with it—by giving me another reason why it’s so difficult to find anyone.” I sighed. “But I’m probably just overthinking it, really. All I know is that when it comes to reading romance, I find it much easier to connect with the gay ones.”

“Oh.” He sounded disappointed. “Have you told your father? What did he think of it?”

“I haven't told him. There isn’t really a need to. Unlike some other cultures, people here hardly care about such things. It’s not something important or momentous, so it’s not really something you need to tell your parents about. Usually they only really find out when you bring someone home, or when you talk about a crush.” That wasn’t what he wanted to hear, though, and I knew it. “But if I did tell him, he’d be completely fine with it. Though he wouldn’t really understand. He doesn’t care for romance or sex, and he doesn’t quite fully understand why other people do, so he leaves them be, just like they leave him be.”

“That sounds idyllic,” Alex said with a far-away look in his eyes. “Things aren’t so… pleasant back home. I know people can and have gotten killed over it. Not nearly as much in recent years, but it’s still not something you tell people.”

I nodded. “I’ve talked to other lizardkin; I know how bad it can be. They have a support group that meets up every week. I can introduce you if you want.”

“Why would you need to?” he snapped. “I’m not like them. I’m normal.”

“Alex, of course you’re normal…” I said, trying to calm him down. It seemed I’d pushed it too far.

“Yeah, of course I am. Why wouldn’t I be? I’m not like them, I like girls!”

“There’s nothing wrong with liking men, Alex.”

“Of course there is! How else would I ever have children?! How else would my parents take me back in?!” he yelled and stood up and paced the edge of the bed. “I’m not a tail-lifter! I like girls! I’m not a freak! I’m just like every other guy!”

I took a deep breath. “I’ll choose to ignore that, because you’re upset.”

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“I… I’m sorry.” He stopped pacing and just stood there. His tail drooped to the ground, and his shoulders hung limply, the anger draining out of him. He looked broken. “I didn’t mean to… I… I just want to be normal. Why can’t I just like girls and be normal? Everyone else has it so easy, it’s unfair.”

I stood up and grabbed Alex by his right shoulder. I gently guided him to sit down on the edge of the bed and wrapped an arm and a wing around him. He leaned into my shoulder, shaking, and on the verge of tears. “Alex, you are normal and so is everyone at that support group. Whether you like men, women, both, or neither, you are normal,” I told him. “I know how difficult it can be to fit in when you’re different, but you can still make friends and find your own space to fit into. I don’t think you’re abnormal, and I like having you around. And I’m sure you’ll find others who’ll think the same.”

Alex sniffled, his shoulders shaking. “I want to believe you, but how? How can it be normal? How can I be normal?!”

I thought for a moment, unsure how to best get my point across. I settled on a metaphor. “Let’s say you put two apples next to each other. They’re both identical in almost every way: they’re both juicy, they both taste great, and they both have a deliciously crisp skin. The only difference is, one is red and one is green. Would you say the green apple is abnormal because it’s green? Because it has a different color?”

He shook his head, so I continued.

“You still breathe air, level up, eat food, enjoy books, have hobbies, and have feelings. And you still have scales, a snout, your teeth, your claws, and a tail. You’re a person and a lizardkin, just like any of your people. The only difference is that you're attracted to a different gender. That doesn’t make you abnormal, it just makes you different. Just like the apple,” I said, giving his shoulder a gentle squeeze.

He wiped away the tears forming in the corners of his eyes and gave me a tight hug. “I… thank you. Nobody has ever told me that before. I’m not sure I entirely believe you, but thank you.”

I wrapped another arm around him, hugging him back, and he grabbed hold even tighter, like he was afraid he’d float away if he let go. We sat there for a while, but that didn’t bother me since it was quite nice. After a few minutes I started to wonder if he’d fallen asleep. I let go, and he quickly wiped away the tears streaming down his face.

“Are you okay?” I asked and immediately felt stupid—of course he didn’t feel okay.

“Yeah. Sorry, I was just thinking about my parents.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” I offered.

Alex shifted, silent for a moment before responding. “I don’t know. I guess. But can we move somewhere more comfortable first? My butt is starting to get sore from sitting on this edge.”

“We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

He shrugged weakly. “You’ve probably guessed most of it anyway, so I might as well give you the full story. And it’d be nice to finally get it off my shoulders.”

We moved back onto the bed, with Alex lying against my side again. It felt more… intimate now that we both knew the other was gay. I shook the intrusive thought of anything happening from my mind. I wasn’t getting involved with anyone again, not to mention that this was a terrible moment for something like that.

“As you’ve probably guessed, I left home because people had found out I was…” He took a deep breath, and I waited for him to continue. “That I was… gay,” he said, forcing the last word out. I felt some of the tension still in his body fade away.

“I didn’t mean for it to happen,” he said. “I’d just turned eighteen, and they were talking about finding me a girl to marry. It wasn’t the first time, but before it was always theory. This time however, they’d…” He paused and took a deep breath.

“You don’t have to tell me everything now, you know. It can wait.”

He shot me glare and shook his head. “I haven't talked about it to anyone since it happened. That's seven months, Felix. I'm afraid that if I don't tell you now, I might never build up the courage again.”

I nodded. I could understand that. The same had happened with me when I went to confront dad about his overbearing strictness. I’d felt like if I didn’t do it then, that I’d just slink back and never bring it up again.

“Also,” Alex continued, ”you don’t need to keep asking. I’m an adult, I’ll let you know if I don’t want to talk about something.”

I blinked. “Right, sorry. I’ll keep that in mind,” I said. “Please continue then, I won’t interrupt again. I’m listening.”

He thought for a moment, took a calming breath, and continued, “They’d invited another family to introduce their daughter. It was always just something my parents talked about before then, something I played along with. I wasn’t expecting it to suddenly be real. I panicked and said some things I shouldn’t have. They… didn’t take it well. And neither did the other family. That night I packed a bag and left before they could kick me out themselves. You already know the rest.” He sighed and rested his head back on my shoulder. “It felt good to finally let that out.”

I gave his head a soft pat. “I know the feeling,” I said, thinking back on the conversation I’d had with dad the first time we went to counseling together.

We sat in silence for a minute, but something about what he said bothered me. “Would they really have kicked you out?”

“Without a doubt.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” I said, not knowing what else to say without using a bunch of not very nice swear-words. “At least now you're in a place where you can be yourself.”

“Yeah,” he sighed, “I still really miss my family though. The things they said to me hurt, but I can’t help but miss them, you know? You and Tiki have been great these last few days, but you’re not family. You weren’t there while I was raised, when I took my first steps, or spoke my first words. It’s like… there’s just a part of me I left behind, and now there’s a gaping hole in life where my family used to be.”

“I understand the feeling. I had the opposite of it. I had family, but no friends. Just a gap where friends used to be. I have you, and maybe even Tiki, now, though. You’ll find something to plug that gap,” I said with a smile.

Alex smiled a sad smile, and we sat quietly for a while, comforted in each other's presence. After some time I picked up my book and continued reading. He did the same, and we spent the rest of the afternoon reading quietly up on my loft.

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At some point, we both decided we were getting hungry and wanted food. I went to my fridge—I had a personal walk-in fridge—and grabbed some meat for both of us. After that, we went to one of the communal kitchens. Others were cooking already, so we had to wait for a little while. After I was done baking the meat, and Alex was done with his side dishes, we sat down in the garden to enjoy our meal.

While we were eating, Tiki walked by with a plate in her hands, so I called her over to join us.

“That’s a lot of meat,” she said while sitting down.

“It’s really not. You should’ve seen the table when we went out to lunch two days ago. It was filled to the brim,” Alex said, and he took another bite.

“Oh, yeah. You guys spent the day together. I’d completely forgotten. How was it? Did you guys have fun?” she asked. There was a glint in her eyes, and she kept glancing between us with a slight knowing smile on her face. Whatever she thought was going on was wrong.

“The library was fun, and the food was good. The afternoon in the forest? Not so much. I’d rate it one out of two wings.” I said.

“What happened down there? Everyone’s talking about it, but no one seems to have any answers.”

I told her the story as we ate dinner.

“That’s amazing!” she said once I finished telling the story. “I’m sorry about your wing, though. I’m guessing it’ll grow back?”

“Eventually. But I’m stuck on the ground for at least a few months.”

“It’s not so bad once you get used to it,” she joked.

“You haven’t flown on his back. I don’t think it’s something you ever get used to living without,” Alex said.

“Is it really that great?” she asked.

“Yeah,” Alex said.

They talked about flight for a while, before the topic shifted to a book Tiki had read once, about a flying air-mage from a few hundred years ago. I smiled at them. They were getting along quite well. Some part of me feared they would get along too well and leave me behind, but I squashed that feeling. It was great that Alex was making more friends than just me. He deserved it. We both deserved it. We’d been alone long enough.

We finished dinner while talking about tomorrow. Tomorrow was Friday, which meant that everyone would meet their mentors and do team-building exercises and such. I wasn’t yet sure what I was going to do. I didn’t have a mentor, seeing as I hadn’t really needed guidance before. I could use some guidance now, though, but who had the knowledge to give advice to someone who didn’t have a System?

I’d figure it out tomorrow. I couldn’t wait any longer with picking my new classes, anyway. And I would need to pick new classes. My old classes were too focused on Skills and such.

After dinner, Tiki left to go talk with her brother; he’d found someone else to latch onto, apparently. I felt pity for whoever it was, but was mostly just glad it wasn’t me anymore. Though something told me he’d be back soon enough.

Alex and I walked back inside, but at the junction where we would’ve split off, he stopped.

“Something wrong?” I asked.

“No… It’s just… can I ask you something? It might be a bit weird, and you can say no. But… can I spend the night in your room?” I looked at him with confusion; it was a strange request. He quickly explained. “Back home I used to share my room with my family, and after the night in the forest, I realized how much I’ve been missing having someone else in the room. Last night was probably the worst sleep I’ve had in months.”

“I…” I didn’t want to say no, but I knew I should. We’d become friends really quickly, and I was smart and aware enough to realize where my feelings would be heading if they remained unchecked. Especially now that I knew it had even the smallest chance of working out, with both of us being gay. Alex had been really kind so far and a joy to talk to, and like he’d said himself, he was handsome. But I just wanted a friend, nothing more. I sighed. But how could I say no? “Alright. But just once, and you’re sleeping in your own bed.”

He smiled. “Thank you.”

I shook my head, already regretting my decision. Though… that wasn’t quite right. I didn’t think I could ever regret spending time with Alex.

“Come on, then, let’s go grab your mattress.”