Chapter 39: Support group II

Alex Sandclaw’s POV (continued):

We ate our food, then put our plates away. Viggi grabbed us some drinks on the way back, but I had to decline; I didn’t drink alcohol. Instead, I poured myself some juice. Like always, I didn’t enjoy being the only one without an alcoholic drink, but, like always, I would deal with it. The effects of the alcohol were not a worthy trade-off, in my opinion.

We sat down again and sipped our drinks in silence for a moment. The juice was alright, but a bit too bitter for my tastes. I preferred sweeter drinks. After everyone had quenched their thirst, the two new people introduced themselves.

“I’m Sekara, and that’s Zhalia,” Sekara said and pointed a thumb at her girlfriend. Then she extended her hand to me. I shook it.

“Yeah, I know,” I responded. “You introduced yourself earlier. You like… rock climbing, beastkin food, and are transgender, right?”

She chuckled. “Elven food, not beastkin. Other than that, you’re right. And I figured you might not have remembered; it was like an hour ago, and there were like twenty people. I could hardly blame you for forgetting.”

That was fair. I’d already forgotten quite a few of the names. I’d learn them in time, though. But Sekara and Zhalia were talking with Viggi earlier, so I paid them extra attention. And aside from that, they were the only other lizardkin in my year, so of course I would want to remember their names.

“Fair. Well, it’s nice to meet you. How are you liking the classes so far?” I asked, not immediately wanting to jump ahead to my questions. I didn’t know much about being transgender, but I understood enough to know it was a sensitive issue and I didn’t want to be rude. My burning curiosity could wait.

“They’re… alright.” Sekera said. “They didn’t really have any classes specifically for climbing, so I took one for general movement, and one for traversing difficult terrain. I’m not sure what I expected, but not this. You?”

“I picked sword magic and related classes. Also, one on flight. Most of them have been fun, though one of my professors is boring.”

She chuckled again and took a sip from her drink. I took the moment to glance at Viggi and Zhalia, who were chatting animatedly about… vegetables? Oh! They must be talking about Elven food. Zhalia, just like Viggi, had green scales. Her scales were a more muted dark green, though, as opposed to Viggi’s more vibrant hue. That made sense as both of the women were of the wall lizard type, who were known for their muted colors. It also explained why they both enjoyed climbing.

I turned back to Sekara, who was looking at Zhalia too, a warm smile on her face.

“Did you come to the Academy together?” I asked, and she turned to me. “You and Zhalia, I mean. If you want to tell, of course. You don’t have to if you don—”

“It’s fine,” she said, interrupting me. “We did, yeah. We knew each other from before… before we left. We decided it would be best if we went somewhere where we would be accepted for who we were, so we ended up here.”

“Were you a couple before you left, too?”

She gave me a hard stare. “You mean before I came out as trans?”

“Um, no. I was genuinely curious.” I scratched the scales behind my ears. “Abnormal relationships are new to me, and I’m trying to learn as much as possible.”

She frowned, then relaxed her expression and pressed a hand to her snout, her eyes closed. “Please don’t call our relationship abnormal. Our relationship is normal—we’re all normal—and it hurts when you say it isn’t.”

“Sorry, I—sorry.” I sighed. “It’s… hard to remember that sometimes. I meant relationships that aren’t the standard boy and girl coupling. What word should I use then?”

“I get that Alex, but please watch your words. And is there really a need to specify what kind of relationship it is? But if you really must, call it queer.”

“I’ll do my best,” I said. “And again, I’m really sorry. You may be different, and I may not entirely understand, but that doesn’t make you abnormal. There was no reason for me to say that.”

She sighed. “It’s fine, let’s just forget it happened.” she said, then paused for a moment. “Let me guess, now you do want to know the answer to what I thought you asked?”

I nodded meekly. “If you don’t mind talking about it, then yeah. The idea that a man can actually be a woman is… new to me. I’d like to learn more about it. Especially about how you found it out about yourself.”

She leaned back in her chair, sipping from a drink before talking. “Yeah, alright. I can tell you. I won’t go into the finer details, though. Some stuff is only for me and Zhalia to know,” she said and I nodded; that was only fair. “Zhalia and I were indeed together before I knew I was trans. I knew at the time something wasn’t right with me, but I couldn’t put my finger on what. My clothes made me uncomfortable, my name made me sad, I hated my penis, I was jealous of my sister, it never felt right to be the one fucking someone, and a whole string of other little things. In hindsight, I know that’s because I was really actually a woman dressing up as a man, and my subconscious didn’t like that. But back then, I just hated myself for feeling that way,” she said, then mumbled, “I still do, at least a little.”

She looked at Zhalia. “It didn’t really click with me what was going on until I tried on some of Zhalia’s clothes for some… fun, at her request. Needless to say, that evening wasn’t fun for either of us. It took a long time to get comfortable with the idea, and while I did, I started hating pretending to be a man more and more. Eventually we just left, so we could both be who we wanted to be, rather than who we had to be.”

We fell quiet for a moment while I digested that. It settled the slight fear that had cropped up when I first learned about the existence of transgender people earlier this evening: was I transgender, too? The answer was no. I didn’t feel anything like that at all. Despite dad’s words, despite the asshole in the shower, I liked my body, and I liked being a guy. I liked my dick, my clothes, and my name. I was sure there was more to it than she told me, but at least I could be certain I was a man.

Now with more explanations, I was able to make up my mind about the issue too. I hadn’t even heard of the word ‘transgender’, or of the idea, before today. But why wouldn’t someone be able to change their gender? Man and woman were just words, anyway. Did it really matter what someone called themselves, or how they dressed? I didn’t think it did. They weren’t anyone with it, and felt happier that way, so why shouldn’t they?

But their bodies would remain the same wouldn’t it? Sekara would be stuck with her scale patterns and bone structure, and I didn’t know of a way to get rid of a dick other than just cutting it off, and I doubted even the most desperate would want to do that. So was she just stuck with having a dick? I shuddered at the thought of what it would be like. I liked my dick, and I wouldn’t want anything else. But what if I did? What if I really wanted a vagina, felt like I should have had one, but was stuck with a dick? I couldn’t imagine that it felt great at all.

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I then realized Felix had lied to me. Having a dick didn’t mean someone was a man at all, just that they probably were. I couldn’t really blame him for saying otherwise, though. I don't think I would have reacted well that day to being told about transgender people right then. Thinking of Felix’s words brought back my memories of that cave. As embarrassing as it had been, at least it served a purpose in the end. Part of me wished I’d been awake then, though.

“Um, can I ask a bit of a rude question?” I asked, trying to get my mind off that cave. I wanted to know.

She quirked an eye-ridge—lizardkin didn’t have eyebrows. “You want to know if I still have a dick?”

“Um, yes,” I said, having the distinct feeling I had done something I wasn’t supposed to. Like when I took a cookie without asking mother. “How did you know?”

She let out a defeated sigh. “It’s a very common question. One you really shouldn’t ask a trans-person. They might—understandably—not react well to you asking if they have penises. Or similar questions, for that matter. How would you feel if someone you only just met asked you how you have sex with other men? Or what a dick tastes like?”

I felt my cheeks heating up, and if I could’ve, I definitely would’ve blushed. “I'd probably feel annoyed and frustrated. Maybe feel like punching them, too. I’m sorry for asking, I didn’t realize just how rude the question was. I just got really curious about how it all worked and let it get the better of me.”

“It’s fine, Alex. It’s alright to be curious, but if you wanted to know how it all worked, you should’ve asked that, instead.”

I looked down at the floor. “Sorry,” I said again. I stared at the floor for a few seconds, feeling absolutely terrible. Then I took a deep breath and looked back up. “Can I ask how it all works, then? If you’re willing to tell me.”

She nodded, smiling slightly. “Of course. I won’t go into too much detail, since I’m not really in the mood to talk about this in length, but basically the answer to your question is yes, transwomen can get their penis removed. There are healers who specialize in that sort of thing. It’s free for anyone who joins the Academy, though healers who have such intimate knowledge of lizardkin are rare, so it takes a while to get a slot. In the meantime, they have these pills that, among other things, change my voice to help me cope—it’s so much better than before, when I had to train my voice to go this high.”

“That’s really possible? That’s awesome.”

“Yeah. It really is,” she said with a contented sigh.

We were silent for a moment and just listened to the other’s conversation about edible grass—disgusting—while I thought about what I learned. It was really amazing the Academy did that for its students, though it sucked she had to wait. I blinked, realizing she had inadvertently answered my original question, anyway. It only created more questions I’d wanted to ask, like how that worked with sex, but I knew better now than to ask. Viggi, who had started listening in, had no such qualms, however.

“So, how does that work with sex?” he asked in a teasing but curious tone.

I looked at him horrified and was about to say something on Sekara’s behalf when she just grinned at him, like this wasn’t the first time they’d talked about this, and spoke first. “Well,” she said, smirking and leaning in towards him, her tone as playful as his, ”let’s just say it's called a slit for a reason, so we just—”

Zhalia slapped a hand over Sekara’s mouth, cutting her off. “You promised to keep our private life private, remember?” she said, only pulling her hand away when Sekara nodded.

“—lick it—” she continued the moment Zhalia let go, but a glare from Zhalia shut her up. “Right, sorry. I’ll keep my mouth shut, unlike when you—I’ll just shut up now.”

Viggi chuckled while the women both just looked embarrassed. Zhalia drank her remaining alcohol in a single gulp. “I think it’s about time we left. It’s getting late and we have somewhere to be tomorrow.”

I looked on as Viggi got a panicked look on his snout. “Ah, I’m sorry, Zhalia. I forgot you were here too for a second. Please, stay. It won’t happen again, I promise,” he said.

Zhalia sighed. “Like I’ve said before, I’m fine with you two talking to each other about sex, just not in public and where I can hear, alright?” she said. “And it’s not just that, we do actually need to go. We’re meeting up tomorrow with friends to go rock climbing and have to get up early.”

“Oh, okay. I hope you’ll have fun, then.”

They wished us a good night and left, leaving me alone with Viggi, who was guiltily sipping from his drink. He smiled at me, and I smiled back, but I was actually also thinking of maybe leaving soon. Quite a few others had also left, and Zhalia had been right: it was getting rather late. I also wanted to spend some time with Felix before heading to bed, though it was looking increasingly unlikely there would be any time left for that by the time I got back.

“They were nice,” I said to fill the silence. Their abrupt departure had left both of us without anything to talk about. “Well, Sekara was. I didn’t talk much with Zhalia, but I got the feeling she doesn’t like us very much.”

Viggi sighed. “Sorry about that. Sekara and I get along well and tease each other about stuff like this often, but Zhalia doesn’t like to listen in.”

I shook my head. “It’s fine,” I said. “What are you going to do this weekend?” I asked.

Viggi took the change of subject in stride. “Work at the restaurant, mostly. I’ll be studying the rest of the time. You?”

“I want to go looking for a job of my own, actually. I don’t suppose you guys have any open spots?”

Viggi rubbed his snout thoughtfully. “We might, actually. I’ll ask dad, and let you know Tuesday, alright?”

I smiled at him. “Thanks. That’s perfectly fine. Though I’ll probably go job-hunting anyway just in case you don’t end up needing more workers.”

Viggi wanted to talk a little more about what kind of workers they might need, but I really wanted to go back home. After some convincing, I got him to agree to talk about it while he walked me back to the dorms. It quickly became clear that the roles they needed filling were all stuff I could already do or learn without too much trouble, so it wasn’t much of an issue.

After that, we walked mostly in silence, with only the occasional chatter. Neither of us were really in the mood for talking. Once the dorm building was in sight, he gave me a quick hug, which I awkwardly returned—it felt too soon for hugs. Then he flew off, almost hitting a tree before vanishing out of sight.

I chuckled and walked the last few minutes to the dorms by myself. Quite a few of the rooms still had lights on, including Felix’s tower. I even thought I saw him moving past the window, but that might have been my imagination. Once I got to the door, I knocked and Felix let me in—I reminded myself we needed to talk about the key tomorrow.

“Hey,” he said once he closed the door behind me. “You look tired. Are you going straight to bed?”

I shook my head. “I wanted to spend some time with you too. I didn’t really get the chance today.”

He smiled at me, and I felt warm and fuzzy. I liked that smile. “Sure. Did you have anything in mind? Reading?” he asked.

I shook my head. “Too tired. I don’t think I could read more than a single page.”

“How about cuddling?” he asked. There was a strange note to his voice. Something hopeful? I was too tired to care enough to figure it out.

I nodded. That sounded nice. I could do with some cuddling after the long and exhausting day I’d had. I walked over to him, and he took me in his strong arms while he laid down on his back. I laid on his underside, resting on my side with his arms wrapped around me feeling safe and at peace. This felt right. Like the spot was made just for me. Felix took one talon and pressed my head against his chest. He gently caressed the top of my head with one of his claws, and I felt that strange fuzzy warmth again.

“Is this okay?” he asked, and I nodded. The movement felt sluggish.

“Your heart sounds nice.” I mumbled without thinking about it. I was too tired for thought, anyway. “Can I sleep here again? It feels… safe with your arms around me.”

Felix took a moment to answer. “Of course you can, Alex. Anytime you want to.”

I yawned and shelved that away in my thoughts. I would likely take him up on that later. For now, though, I would just enjoy his comforting arms, the rhythmic beating of his heart, and his steady deep breaths until sleep claimed me.