Chapter 31: The heart doesn’t listen to what the brain knows
Felix Sythias’ POV (continued):
I wanted to rush over and console Alex, but I had food balanced on my back. So instead of doing what I wanted, I had to slowly walk over to the table to put the plates down. The few extra seconds that took me to do gave me enough time to realize that rushing at him wouldn’t be the best thing I could do. Everything was going to be okay, and my behavior should mirror that. People didn’t rush because everything was going okay.
I calmly walked over to Alex. He had his back turned to me so I couldn’t see his face, but I could hear him sniffling. He didn’t really react to my approach. I put a talon on his shoulder.
“Are you okay?” I asked inanely.
He jerked away from my touch, startled. It seemed he hadn’t noticed my approach or presence. He turned around, and when he saw me, did his best to quickly wipe away his tears and smile.
“You’re b-back?” he asked. “Took you long enough. What did you make?”
I frowned but answered his question: “I made cheese covered Gewee. And some potatoes for you to go along with it.”
“Sounds… interesting. How’s the taste?”
“I like it, but you’ll have to decide for yourself,” I said, and he started to get up.
.
With how he changed the subject, I didn’t think he wanted to talk about why he was crying, but I couldn’t just ignore it either. So I motioned him to wait and got a little tissue from my chest pouch. Gently, I wiped away his tears properly, and handed the cloth to him. There was no need for me to say anything; I cared and was there for him if he needed me. He got the message, giving me a sad smile and a quick one-armed hug.
I helped him get up, and we sat down at the table. He was understandably subdued. I wondered what had gotten him to the point of crying. He’d been here alone while I was gone—I would’ve heard the door opening—so no one could’ve made him cry. Unless it was the fact that he was alone that made him cry. He had been missing his family, maybe it reminded him of that? Wondering about it was pointless, though. I had no idea, and no way to know. Not unless he told me.
I watched him take a careful, slightly reluctant bite. While he chewed, Surprise grew on his face. He swallowed and looked down at his plate with wide eyes. “That’s good. I didn’t think that would work well, but it really did. Both savory and cheesy.”
I grinned. “That’s good. It was a total guess. I made the recipe up as I went along. Any feedback?”
He looked thoughtful for a moment, then took another bite, and thought some more. “Too much spice. It doesn’t play too well with the cheese,” he answered finally.
I made sure to write it down in my notebook, as a side note to the recipe I’d written down. Then I turned to my plate and started devouring the cheesy goodness.
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Felix’s notebook: Cheesy Gewee breasts
1) Grate the cheese and make breadcrumbs. Combine in a shallow dish.
2) Cut the butter and add to a pan. Put the pan on the smallest heating crystal and let it melt. Add spices. Pour it into a second shallow bowl.
3) Cut the Gewee into hand sized pieces (human) and season them with salt and pepper on both sides. Dip in the butter, coating both sides, then press into the cheese mix.
4) Place the pieces in an oven-safe pan or dish and sprinkle with a few more breadcrumbs. Also drizzle a bit more of the butter-spice mix over the pieces.
5) Power the oven and tune the enchantments to 200 degrees. Put the pan in the oven and bake for about forty minutes, or until the Gewee is cooked through.
6) Enjoy!
Note to self: Alex likes it less spicy, so make sure to make a few pieces with less spice. Keep careful track of it afterwards so you don’t mix them up and give him the spicy pieces anyway.
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I licked my teeth clean. That was good. It was all gone, now, sadly. Alex had cleaned his plate with almost the same enthusiasm I had. He used a fork and knife, instead of his tongue, however. Sadly, the food had done little to lift his spirits. I could tell by the mostly quiet dinner. He answered my questions, but did nothing to initiate any conversations by himself. At some point I’d stopped, having run out of things to ask. It pained me that I couldn't help him.
“Are you excited for mundane physics, tomorrow?” I asked, having thought up another question, once more hoping to spark a conversation. It seemed he had enough of my attempts, though.
“Sorry Felix, I’m not really in the mood for conversation.”
“Oh, alright,” I said, now feeling a bit down too. “Do you want to help me do the dishes, though? We don’t have to talk.”
He hesitated for a moment, then nodded. That was alright, too. I hoped that just being around a friend—around me—helped, even if we didn’t talk.
We walked to the kitchen in a comfortable silence, carrying our own plates. When we got there, it was a lot busier than when I left. There had been people then too, but not this many by a long shot. The sink was free though. My pans and dishes still laid there, waiting to be cleaned. I would oblige them. I walked up to the sink, and the other students grumbled when they had to step aside to make space. The kitchen was large, but I was the size of a small horse, so I needed more space than was reasonable—the mental image of a horse just standing around in the kitchen made me giggle.
“What’s so funny?” Alex asked, and I told him. He found it funny, too, and chuckled.
We set ourselves up at the sink. I would clean the dishes, and Alex would dry them and put them away—he was a lot more nimble than I was in this small space, so it made sense.
Washing the plates was a little awkward to do, since I needed at least three limbs for balance, leaving only one to hold things. I could stand on my hind legs, but the ceiling wasn’t nearly high enough for that. So sponges and such went out the window, leaving me with just rinsing them, and using magic.
I washed the dishes with practiced ease while Alex dried them. We did the dishes in silence, just listening to the others talk. We were done in no time at all, and left the kitchen. Other students quickly filled our spots, needing to clean their own stuff.
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Back in our room, Alex snuggled into my side again, and we spent most of the evening quietly reading. Before long, Alex was yawning, and we decided to catch some sleep. We brushed our teeth, turned off the lights, and crawled into our beds.
I laid in there, cuddling with Drugu, drifting asleep, when Alex spoke.
“Hey, Felix? Are you still awake?” he asked.
I shook my head to get rid of the drowsiness. “I am,” I said. “What’s up?”
“I’m sorry you had to see me like that earlier.”
This seemed like a talk that had to be done face to face, not yelled across the room, so I got out of bed and started climbing down.
“What are you doing?” Alex asked, and I explained. “No, that’s fine. Stay there, I’ll come up.”
I asked if he was sure, and he insisted, so I climbed the small way back up. When I got back to the loft, I turned my lights on so Alex could see what he was doing. It took him a few minutes to climb up, and by the time he was here, I’d already settled back into my bed. He sat down on the side of my bed, but I patted the sheets. He accepted the offer and laid down beside me, leaving a person sized gap between us. He couldn’t meet my eyes, instead looking up at the ceiling.
“It’s alright to cry,” I said to him once he looked comfortable. “You said so to me last week, remember?”
“I know, it’s just… different when someone actually sees it, I guess. I don’t want you to think less of me.”
I shook my head. “I wouldn’t,” I said, gently patting his shoulder. “Not for crying, anyway. Now, if you’d told me you were turning vegetarian, that would’ve been a different story. I like eating together.”
He chuckled. “I know. But the heart doesn’t care for what the brain knows. The world would be a much simpler place if it did.”
“When did you turn into such a wise old man?” I asked.
He sighed. “Just something my dad used to say. I’ve been spending too much time thinking about the things he said.”
“Is that why you were…?” I let the question hang in the air. He felt bad about crying, and I wasn’t going to bring more attention to it than necessary.
“Yes and no,” Alex said. I waited for him to continue, but he didn’t. He just looked thoughtful.
“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” I said. ”We can just lay here, if that helps.”
He rolled his eyes. “And so you’ve told me a thousand times already. If I’m not comfortable talking about something, I’ll tell you, okay?”
I chuckled. “Deal.”
“I was just thinking about what I wanted to say,” he said, “Earlier, before I was… crying, I was thinking about what happened in the showers. It reminded me of some horri—unpleasant—things my dad told me before I left, and that got me thinking about all the other stuff my parents told me. You distracted me most of the afternoon, but once you were gone… well, you saw the result.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. You know what they said wasn’t true, right?” I said. I didn’t know everything his parents said, of course. But I could guess.
Alex yawned and answered my question.
“I don’t know. This isn’t the first time something like this happened. Last week I’d forgotten a towel and someone mentioned something when I got out of the shower, and before then, it happened when I traveled here with the rest. I know it isn’t true, but if so many people seem to agree… I’m starting to wonder if there’s some truth to it.”
“They’re just ignorant assholes that should’ve paid more attention during their biology classes, Alex, nothing more.”
“Like I said, the heart doesn’t care for what the brain knows,” he said and sighed. “Felix, I’m a man, right? I know it’s dumb, but between what my dad said, and me liking other men, I’m starting to feel a little unsure.”
“Of course you are. And that doesn’t make you a woman, it just makes you gay,” I said, rolling my eyes slightly. “I think you’re no less manly than anyone else, whatever being manly means. If anything, it’s super manly. What’s manlier than loving another man? It’s twice as much man! I don’t know what your dad told you, but it’s just some bullshit. Regardless of what he said, you’re still you. He can’t change that.”
Alex nodded, but he still seemed a little down. Maybe a joke would help?
“That all aside, I think you more than proved you were a man back in that cave. That thing between your legs you had pressed up against my tail? It felt very manly to me.”
Having a penis didn’t necessarily mean someone was a man, just like having a vagina didn’t necessarily mean someone was a woman, but that wasn’t what he needed to hear, right now.
He squirmed a little and scratched the scales behind his ears, embarrassed. “Sorry for that. That must have been really embarrassing.”
I shook my head. “It’s fine, Alex, I didn’t mind,” I said. In hindsight, it was actually quite hot, but I wasn’t telling him that. “If you hadn’t noticed, I’m naked pretty much all the time. I’ve long since gotten used to nudity and everything. It was awkward, but not much else.”
“Oh, okay. It was still embarrassing, though,” he said, and I chuckled. “Thank you, by the way, for humoring me.”
“I’m not humoring you,” I said. “You’re going through a difficult time and I don’t like seeing you sad or in pain. If talking with me or being around me helps, then I’ll gladly do so.”
He sat up, smiled, and gave me a hug. It still wasn’t quite a happy smile, but it was much better than his subdued frown. “Thanks, I really appreciate it.”
I wanted to press a kiss on his forehead, but I hugged him back instead. It was a short hug, but it didn’t feel any worse for it. All hugs were great, long or short; it didn’t matter. Cuddles were a different matter, though, but not very relevant right now. For a moment I considered pulling Alex into one, but we were both tired. And I promised myself I would avoid situations like that.
To prove my point, Alex yawned again.
“I think it’s about time we caught some actual sleep,” I said. “We can talk more tomorrow.”
He yawned again. “That’s the best idea I’ve heard all day. I’m truly exhausted.”
He stood up and looked at the climbing wall for a moment, then at my nest-bed, and finally, he looked at me with a sheepish smile.
I rolled my eyes. “Fine, climb on in. The bed’s more than big enough for two.”
I said that last part to make sure he didn’t get any ideas. Or maybe to make sure I didn’t get any ideas. Didn’t matter either way. Alex climbed into the bed, and I stood up to turn the lights off. Before I laid down next to him, I handed Drugu to him since I knew he liked to hold on to something while he slept. Next to him, it wasn’t so much a plushie as it was a body pillow. He treated it as such, too, snuggling up with it, wrapping his legs and tail around it wherever possible. Damn, I kinda wished that was me, instead.
It was then, looking at him being all cuddly with my plushie, that I realized that all he was wearing was his underwear, and then I really wished I was the one in his arms, instead of Drugu. He’d probably just thrown something on before climbing up here. I’d noticed his lack of clothing earlier, too, but had pushed it from my mind, focussing on making him feel better. Now, though… He looked as good as he did earlier. From the way the tight fabric flowed over his butt, accentuating the shapes underneath, to the way the seams were fraying a bit. The underwear was old, and a bit too small. I’d have to take him clothes-shopping some time, or point him to some good ones at the very least.
My mind inevitably wandered to what was underneath the thin layer of cloth. His ass and, of course, his slit. I wanted to pull the underwear off him and make him feel good. To make him forget about everything those assholes told him, to wash his worries away with each stroke of my tongue.
I sighed and shook my head to clear the vivid fantasy. It wasn’t what he needed right now—let alone the fact he wouldn't want it from me even if it was what he needed. I laid down beside Alex and made sure there was some distance between us, and that my back was turned towards him—I didn’t want to accidentally grab him in my sleep.
I laid there, thinking. I shouldn’t have been staring at my best friend’s ass, thinking dirty thoughts; no matter how nice it looked. That’s all it was, anyway: a fantasy. Nothing like that would ever happen, and I needed to get that through my thick skull. While we had been growing closer, as him opening up to me this even had proven, this crush had no future, and I knew that. Alex would never feel attraction to someone like me. We were just too physically different.
There was just no way.
When I glanced at Alex, though, my worries and hangups melted away. I realized I didn’t care. Physical differences or not, I liked him, and I really wanted him to like me back. And so part of me was willing to believe that he could, despite the fact I walked around on all fours. Maybe, just maybe, Alex could find it in him to feel the same about me that I did about him. I didn’t think it was likely at all, but Alex had been completely right about what he said earlier: the heart didn’t listen to what the brain knew.