There’s loot! Matt grinned and another acorn got him in the thigh.

“It’s like a video game, remember?” Kurtis said. “You just—I don’t know how I did it—you tap on them, or whatever, and you get stuff.” Kurtis shrugged.

Still under fire from acorns, the group collected their prizes. Matt got one ‘CC’ from each squirrel—whatever that was—and sometimes an additional item, like a ‘Single Claw’ or a ‘Tuft of Fur.’ The loot always appeared, for a moment, in a small black window above the dead animal. Then it zoomed away, down and right, too fast for Matt to track it.

Pop! The carcass at Matt’s feet shriveled and hissed, shrinking into furry jerky. They all did that after he looted. It crumpled and condensed in fits and starts and then bacon smelled smoke was all that remained.

Matt thought he was at nine CCs total. They looked a bit like red poker chips, so his best guess was some form of currency—he didn’t have to be an accountant to know that more was good. He tried touching corpses that he was 90% sure weren’t his kills and nothing happened. He gave up looking for the tenth.

“Let’s go.” Matt turned and jogged down the trail they’d come through. Then, after a minute he slowed and stopped. A cool breeze exhaled with him. “Are they gone?” he asked the group. They better fucking be gone, he thought.

“I think so,” Fallyn said, with a glance over her shoulder.

Matt took stock of the group. They each showed scratches and Sharkie had the beginnings of a black eye. Anika’s legs were a mess, smeared with blood. Her white shirtdress was soaked through at the bottom, revealing black bike shorts underneath. The hem was torn ragged and wicked up the red. Manuele’s t-shirt was ripped. So was Cathleen’s. And Kurtis—well, Kurtis was still an orange cat.

Fallyn looked in the best shape of all of them. She had pushed up her sleeves like Matt but had somehow avoided arm scratches. The green lines under their names were now different lengths and hers was almost full. Matt watched them slowly increase over time.

Kurtis reported that Matt’s bar was stuck. Matt couldn’t see it, of course, and his heads-up display had disappeared while he’d jogged. But Matt was willing to bet that its red curved line would match what the cat-man saw above his head. He certainly felt like he wasn’t at full health.

“Map says Septimus is this way,” Kurtis pointed forty-five degrees left.

“There’s a map?” Matt asked.

“Yeah, you don’t think we found the squirrels by accident, do you?”

He kind of did. He’d just wandered straight in the direction they’d been going.

“No?” Matt winced. One of the acorns had injured his jaw.

“Follow me.” Kurtis nodded left and then took the lead.

###

Septimus Flower was a tall, thin man with a cartoonishly long and angular nose. He had short black hair, a goatee, and wore a bright pink dress—something in-between a toga and a kimono. It reminded Matt of a toga party he once attended at university. He’d used packing tape to wrap himself in his dark green bed sheets.

I would have won best dressed with that outfit, Matt thought.

Septimus stood on a small platform, among a crowd of about twenty people. Matt crossed the short-cut grass to join them. It reminded him of a city suburb lawn; it even had that freshly mowed smell that made him think of summer.

As Matt approached, he realized there were six other clusters, around six other men, each about a football field’s distance apart. These men seemed to be wearing the same outfit but in a different color. Somehow, he could read the faraway text on top of the two closest ones’ heads; they were also named Septimus Flower.

“Good day, travelers!” the pink Septimus called loudly. “Have you completed your quest?”

“Yes, I have!” Exclaimed a woman striding forward with pink hair. Shorter than Sharkie, she turned back to Matt and smiled. “I chose him because of the pink!” She spoke quickly, “Which squirrel spot did you go to? I chose the left-north one. Those things were huge!” Then she stared forward vacantly.

“Uh, we went West?” Matt replied.

It said ‘Princess Valkyrie Jones’ above this pink-haired Energizer Bunny’s head. Her green bar was nearly full-length and she didn’t look as beat up as most of Matt’s group. Her blue three-quarter sleeve shirt and bright pink pants hid any dampness or damage—if there was any. Matt only spotted one scratch on her left forearm.

He felt self-conscious again. He looked like he’d peed himself, fallen into a stream, and been in a bar fight—and then maybe beat up by that damn neighbor-cat too.

All of a sudden, Princess Valkyrie Jones glowed with pale white light. The number zero, near her name, changed into a one. Matt looked to his group, checking that they saw too, but they all had that far-away look, and Cathleen had disappeared into the crowd.

Matt hustled forward and shouted, “I have completed the quest.”

The world fuzzed as Septimus leaned forward to focus on him. It was like they were in a Zoom call with blur background on—except in 3D and everything hurt.

“Why thank you, traveler,” Septimus said with a big smile. Then he pointed to Matt’s chest and added, “You showed those squirrels who’s boss!”

The tale has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

“Uh, thank you?” Matt said.

“You have my thanks!” Septimus continued. “Mangy buggers! Choose your reward.” Septimus spread out his hands and four images appeared, floating between them.

They were weapons: a huge mace, a pair of swords, a bow, and a staff. The latter two were colored red and, when he studied the color, a warning popped up ‘Your class may not equip this item.’ That narrowed it down to two.

The images of the mace and swords didn’t tell him much. But when he squinted, more text appeared: ‘Basic Mace (Level 1),’ ‘Basic Paired Swords (Level 1).’ They both specified ‘Weapon power +100’ and ‘Bind on pickup.’

Well, warriors go smashy-smashy, Matt thought, selecting the Basic Mace.

It zoomed away like the CCs had, and the Single Claw and Tuft of Fur. Then the world unblurred and a tingle began to build in Matt’s core. White text, ‘10,500 XP,’ floated up and away, much like the counter for the squirrels.

Then Matt started to glow. The tingle spread through every limb—so strange, but not unpleasant. More white text flew: ‘Level 1,’ ‘2 Skill Points,’ ‘5 Stat Points.’ Matt grinned.

To his left, Kurtis was hefting what looked like an oversized pool cue. He stepped back from the group and started swinging it like a sword. “Bzzzz. Bzzzz.” He noticed Matt watching and paused. “You have to grab it from your inventory!”

Matt stared blankly.

“Uh, where your squirrel loot went?” Kurtis returned to his swings and noises.

Kurtis had said ‘inventory,’ so Matt gave it a go: Inventory. Sure enough, a new window popped up with the word ‘Inventory’ at its top. Conveniently, Basic Mace was first in the list—they appeared to be in alphabetical order. Each item had an icon and a label and there was a special tally of CCs at the bottom right.

Matt grabbed for the mace, and while he was busy thinking, That was stupid, ‘Basic Mace’ disappeared from the list. Matt stumbled forward, off balance, because of a new weight in his hands. Close menu!

He steadied and adjusted his glasses. After the initial surprise, he realized the mace wasn’t all that heavy, it was just unexpected. It was similar in shape to a wooden baseball bat—about as long as his arm—but then the last quarter had a pattern like the tenderizer Mom used on steaks. Matt stepped back and tried out a swing.

“Nice,” the Princess girl approved. “I got this!” She drew back the string on a plain wooden bow, squinting dramatically. “Whachaw!” she hissed, gently returning the string to rest.

“Matt.” He offered his hand.

She shook it.

“Hello!” joined Manuele. “I am not Karen. I am Manuele. You are Princess?”

“Call me Val…” She side-eyed the ‘Karen’ above his head.

“Where did Princess Valkyrie come from?” Manuele asked, making air quotes when he said the name.

“Huh?” she responded. “Oh. Why not be a princess?” Val smiled.

“Is Valkyrie meaningful to you in some way?” Anika asked.

“Meaningful to my parents, I guess.” Val shrugged. “I’m adopted. White people, Chinese baby, they had to be a bit crazy so who knows.”

No one really knew how to respond to that.

“I like your hair,” Fallyn rescued the group.

“Yours too!” Val exclaimed. “The waves really suit you.”

“So…” Kurtis began, directing the group to spend their points. He gave Anika a spiel about Gimli, Pokemon, and SpongeBob SquarePants.

Fallyn had somehow spent hers already and her green name had disappeared.

Two Skill Points meant that they could each unlock two skills. Matt opened his menu to review the options. The Earth Aspect tab still had ‘Unlock at level’ notes beside every skill except Slapchop—and that one was already active. But Matt did note that Slapchop 1 now specified ‘(10/100).’ A little progress.

He considered his options in the Blood and Protection tabs. Blood Slash would give him a weapon-based attack, and one that could hit three targets at once. Conk would stun an enemy, but only for three seconds. Adrenaline would increase his stamina and stamina regeneration, but he had been fine against the squirrels—hadn’t he?

Over in the Protection tab, Bulwark would boost his physical resistance by 50%, but only when he wasn’t doing anything. And then Rapid Regeneration was a heal.

Matt thought about his scratches and bruises. Easy decision. He spent a point on the heal. Then Matt flipped back to the Blood tab. Psyched for smashy-smashy with his new mace, Matt spent his second point on Blood Slash.

Close menu. Rapid Regeneration. The darn menu opened again. Fuck. Matt re-read what the skill said: ‘Rapid Regeneration. Heal yourself for 1000 x weapon power over 15 seconds. Low mana cost.’ There wasn’t an obvious motion like a chop.

Close menu. Okay, no words then.

Matt tried generally thinking about healing. He thought about his stinging cuts and tender bruises, and then about how much he would love them to be healed—to be healed over 15 seconds. He tossed in some squirrel-hate for good measure.

And then subtle blue sparks broke out across his skin. They danced, weaving patterns, trailing light.

“Dude!” Sharkie called. “That looks awesome! I can do this.” Dark purple smoke rushed towards her and then promptly disappeared. Then her green name and bar winked out too.

Matt felt along his arms as the cuts sealed. They looked fixed but he remembered their sting. This was going to take some getting used to. He stretched his jaw. Feels normal. Now, if only I could heal my pants.

“Very cool,” Matt said. “Spent your stat points yet?”

“Nope! Hey, Kurtis…” Sharkie pleaded.

The cat-man’s ears twitched up.

“How should we choose, with the stat points?”

“Well, it’s hard to say,” Kurtis said. “Games usually get harder and more complicated as you go. I’d just be guessing.”

“Please guess,” requested Anika.

Kurtis had been right about everything so far, so Matt wanted to hear that guess too.

“Looks like the options are in Primary, Regen, and Journey,” Kurtis said. “There’s no spot for points spent beside the Enhance or Withstand ones.”

Matt noticed a few strangers hovering and listening too.

“Primary stats are your resource pools. So, do you want to be able to take more hits or use more mana or stamina before you run out? Your skills should say which they use. Mine do. Regen makes them come back faster. Journey… I think the movement speed one could be useful, but unless we all get it, maybe not so much? Because we’re all going together?”

Kurtis swished his tail and grimaced. “I’m just guessing. Does that help?”

“Yeah…” Sharkie said slowly; her expression said ‘Maybe.’

“Hey Val,” Manuele interjected, “have you seen someone named Maria? I heard you went North?”

“Nope,” she said cheerfully. “Who’s Maria?”

“She’s my girlfriend,” Manuele explained. “We were looking for her in the white room. She was with me right before and I don’t know.” He gestured outwards, swords awkwardly dangling and glinting in the sun.

Val turned to her right and stared down a bearded and tattooed redhead who was making a beeline for Septimus Flower. She tipped her bow at him. “Hey, have you seen someone named Maria?”

He looked surprised, shook his head no, and kept walking.

“This guy hasn’t either,” she narrated. “Here you go,” she stepped to the side and gestured forward announcing, “This way to Septimus!” And then, in a loud whisper, she added, “He’s the best Septimus.”

“Uh, thanks,” the red-bearded man said quietly, continuing ahead.

“Where did that Cathleen girl go?” Manuele asked. “I wanted to ask her too.”

“Anybody here seen a Maria?” Val yelled into the crowd.

The number around Pink-Septimus had easily grown to one hundred people, a quarter of which was densely packed up close, and then the rest radiated with more spacing. Their group had moved towards the outer edge, steering clear of weapon test-swings, and making room for newcomers to approach.

“Anybody?” Val followed up. “Was worth a try,” she told Manuele.

‘ANNOUNCEMENT.’ The yellow letters scrolled across the bottom of Matt’s field of view.

This again.

It said, ‘Notification of legal action. Case number 1425778: Unwilful Destruction of Planet F-311246.3 (‘Earth’). Emergency petition filed by PRO has been granted.’