My legs shook as I gripped my dull, gray robes and my teeth chattered as I resisted the urge to get up and go do my private business. For some reason, the angry sorcerer behind me hadn’t left his seat the entire test so I couldn’t take the risk of standing up and pissing him off.

The only thing that kept me from breaking down was the fact that I could observe Kendra and her group the entire time. However, by the end of the test, I was already at my limit and tears were slowly forming on my eyes.

As soon as the announcer announced the end of the tests, I stood up and ran faster than a Path paladin smelling a lich across the continent. Wait…Are the Path priests and paladins that good at hunting the undead?

No, no! Now’s not the time! I urge my bladder to hold the forces of evil back as I aggressively and violently excused myself as I passed the sorcerers who were also leaving the coliseum.

“A-aah…S-sorry!” I quickly bowed when I accidentally pushed a sorcerer, and quickly continued my way to the toilets. My body moved and responded mechanically as I cut through the crowd.

Bumped a person? Bow, apologize, and continue.

My mind was so focused on not wetting myself in this crowd that it took me a second to register what was happening next.

“S-sorry!” I bowed to the person apologetically. As I raised my head, I noticed that this was no ordinary person. A man wearing full white robes with a metal mask stood in front of me – The one I was wary about in Kendra’s group!

“Hmpf, I accept your apology. Now, excuse me as I have important business such as running away from a little girl.” The robed man dusted his shoulders and fixed his baggag-…That’s no baggage.

He was carrying a small girl wearing the same thing as him around his arm. He walked past me, my body unconsciously making way for him, before he darted off with haste. My confusion was subsided by the fact that I remembered that the toilet was just in front of me.

I was just a few steps from my objective until the person I was supposed to be stalking pushed past me. Surprised, I unintentionally shouted, “Kendra?”

I saw Kendra taking a quick glance back at me before disappearing in the sea of muscles. With the sorcerers blocking my path back, I had no choice but to push forward instead. Forward to the toilets, that is!

Damn it! I should find a way around the need to do something useless like going to the toilet!

By the time I was done with my business, the coliseum was sparsely populated compared to what it was just a few minutes ago. With that, I lost track of Kendra, bringing me back to square one.

“Maybe I need help…” I muttered to myself as I tapped my foot against the stone floor impatiently. I looked for a quiet, empty corner to use my communication skull.

“Mauri, are you there?” I whispered to the skull and its eyes produced a dim green flame which flickered.

“This better be important. I’m still investigating on those weirdos hunting down the undead,” A voice that came from the skull replied.

“You’re studying the Path?”

“No! It’s those guys with the shovels and weird demonic magic. I mugged one and got a mithril dagger off him. I swear this dagger’s like a thousand years old!”

“Y-you attacked one of them?!” My hands shook nervously as I held the communication skull.

“Relax. The guy was already dying and for some reason, he couldn’t use demonic magic. He was a piece of cake to rob. Besides, he was entering my domain so this is self-defense.” The voice sounded dismissive but this was the first time anyone managed to kill the undead hunters.

“Never mind then. I’m calling you because I need help. I found Kendra here in Rallas and I need your help!”

“Are you sure you haven’t gone insane?”

“I’m sure!”

I could hear a sigh coming from the voice in the skull before it answered, “Fine. I’ll be there in a few days. Just don’t do anything stupid, alright?”

“I won’t do anything stupid, I swear!”

I let go of the top of the skull and wiped the blood from the palm with a piece of rag. With Mauri’s help, I’ll be able to find Kendra in no time!

*

*

*

“Since we can’t use muscle magic, what’s the plan now, Boss?” Satel asked me as she bent slightly forward, tilting her head. I ‘frowned’ as I thought about my next plan.

After the evaluation test, I just walked around with the heroes’ party without an aim. I contemplated what I learned but still couldn’t make progress on what to do next.

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I looked behind and observed the heroes. They would have no hope of learning musclemancy because I would forbid them from learning it at all cost. I didn’t want a bunch of muscled justice freaks running around because of my carelessness. The entire continent would just make me public enemy number one.

Although I understood the underlying meaning of how muscle magic work, it wouldn’t actually work without any catalyst. If that was the case, our ancestors back then who were simple men, living in mud huts and fist fighting magical dinosaur monsters, would’ve been the strongest mages in the entire history of this world.

“Thus I conclude that without the replacement of mana, protein, we can’t make any more progress,” I replied to Satel.

“Concluded from what? Never mind. You’re right. We need to find out what this ‘protein’ is. But where will we get them?” Satel brought up a good question.

“Not exactly sure.” I shrugged back.

“Even if we got protein, who would we give it to? We can’t exactly eat it, you know. You’re a skeleton and I’m a fairy inside a puppet body. Even if I directly ingest it, there would be no effect since I’m fully attuned to traditional magic,” Satel whispered, making sure the heroes behind her couldn’t hear her.

As I reflected upon what Satel said, a huge skinless ape-like thing appeared in my sight. “G’day, Boss. I must say, this city had provided me with more entertainment than anticipated. The culinary meals of these people are also succulent and appetizing,” The abomination named Ts’tsku’Rook, nicknamed Rookie by the companions and I, called out to me.

The odd thing about what Rookie said was that he is just an abomination made from ancient rotted food. If a walking pile of food takes in more food, what would happen? I never really got too in-depth with this but now, it seemed relevant.

“Wait, where did you even get the food from?” I asked Rookie.

“I was invited by the sorcerers to join their towers after seeing how well-built I was. Although, the definition seems absurd after all, I am just…” Rookie paused when he noticed that the heroes’ party was just behind me.

Rookie cut his sentences short and said, “That’s odd. Isn’t there one more of you lots?”

“Lard? He joined a sorcerer group in hopes that he would find…out…” My words slowly stopped flowing as ideas started to rack up in my mind.

I just realized that my next step was just a walk in the park.

*

*

*

“Hey, guys!” Lard called out to us as we waited just outside of Rallakadia, The Tower of Arms. Lard was wearing the tower’s signature blue jacket which showed that he was an official acolyte of Bicepticus.

“This is…?” Inez, who wasn’t familiar with Lard, tilted her head.

“This peasant is called Lard. He’s our personal servant,” Aera whispered to Inez who simply nodded at the blonde girl’s reply.

Without any warning, Lard made a pose with his flabby arms and shouted, “It is I, Vakasa of the Darkness! Acolyte of the Awe-inspiring Bicepticus Absicus! Future Sorcerer of Rallas!”

“It hasn’t been a week and your head is already filled with weird ideas, fattie,” I simply commented as I shrugged.

“It’s not weird! Besides, I, Vakasa of the Darkness, have been making so much progress! As expected since I, Vakasa of the Darkness, am the hero to vanquish all evil!”

“What? Have you gone nuts? What are you talking about?”

“Fu fu fu…”

“Don’t laugh weirdly.”

“Oh, sorry. No…I mean..MUWAHAHAHAHAH! I, Vakasa of the Darkness, have been accepted by the wise and knowledgeable sages and sorcerers of the renowned Rallakadia! Though their exercise regimes are vicious, I, Vakasa of the Darkness, endured all of it!”

“…Wait, you actually gained something from the musclemen?” If I could break a sweat, I would’ve done so. If this psycho learns muscle magic, I may have to make him disappear for the good of this world. The world is not ready for a new Demon God.

“S-sort of…”

“You learned how to use magic?” I was ready to cough imaginary blood depending on his next answer.

“…No.”

“Then what?!” I angrily grabbed his head and tried to squish it.

“Aaah! That hurts! Stop that! I mean, fu! Is this all you’ve got?!” Lard screamed as he rapidly tapped my hands, silently crying ‘I give up! Uncle! Uncle!’

After calming down and letting him go, it took him a while to stop groaning on the floor. As he slowly got up, he said, “I got something much more precious and valuable than magic. I, Vakasa of the Darkness, have reached ANCENSION!”

He pointed up and I facepalmed at this man’s absurdity.

“In Commons, please. I don’t speak Lunatic,” I begged.

“T-this is embarrassing to say but,” Lard stopped posing and looked flushed as he placed his hands behind his back and looked away, “I...I got…a girlfriend….”

…

…

…

“W…”

“WHAT?!” Kendra, Aera and I all shouted in unison. What sort of demonic attack was this? All three of us got onto the floor, extremely exhausted. Even my passive shield couldn’t block his attack?! What sort of magic could penetrate my defenses that I had perfected over a thousand years?!

“I-impossible! This lunatic actually...” Aera groaned.

“Is the world ending?” I whimpered hopelessly.

Kendra coughed and she quickly covered her mouth with her hand. Slowly lifting the hand off, she gasped when she saw blood on her palms.

“D-don’t die on me, k-kiddo…” I weakly grabbed Kendra’s shoulder.

“G-guys! It was embarrassing enough for me to say that! Y-you’re making me regret telling you this!” Lard cringed as he looked upon the damage he inflicted upon us.

Blackhair, being the only guy who actually called Lard by his ‘real’ name, simply gave him a thumbs up, unaffected by the demonic attack. Is this the true power of a hero?!

Inez was busy healing the two heroes while saying some encouragement such as ‘I don’t know what’s going on, but please don’t die!’

“No, wait! This is just part of your delusions, right?!” I quickly stood up and readied my hands to slap Lard back into reality.

“It’s true! I do have a girlfriend now! I…sort of…followed your guide. I mean, you know…” Lard was fumbling around the guide I gave him to help him get girls. “Ahem. I mean…I, Vakasa of the Darkness, with some help from you, venerable teacher, got a girlfriend that is real! As proof, will you please look over there?”

Lard raised his hand to one direction and we all looked towards there. All we saw was just an ordinary street with musclemen minding their own business. There were a few market stalls by the brick wall, but there weren’t anything else remarkable.

“Are you sure she’s not imaginary?” I scratched my head as I slowly grew worried for this guy.

“N-no! She’s shy, too!” Lard turned towards the street and called out, “Dearie! These are my friends! Come say hi to them!”

I looked at where Lard was shouting and again, there was nothing there but an ordinary street and a…wait…

The ‘brick wall’ rotated, slapping the market stalls off. The musclemen panicked and made way for the abomination that was on a level way, way higher than Rookie. With every step, the group shook as if it was also terrified.

With a face that not even a mother could love, a body so built and ripped that we mistook it for a brick wall and arms as big as pillars; a massive muscle woman approached us. I added into my bucket list that I wanted to see a fight between this thing and my giant demon tortoise, Alph.

“Hi. Me Musclella. Me Fattie’s girlfriend,” An extremely manly voice greeted us as the giant abomination towered above us. I could even hear Rookie audibly gulp as he felt miniscule compared to Musclella.

If this is a nightmare, now is a good time to wake.