What makes food taste great? Is it love from the chef who cooked it? Is it the type of ingredients? Some questions couldn’t be answered easily, though looking at the plate in front of me, the answer was pretty obvious.

Why the hell was everything made from potatoes?

Maven and her buddy talked to me about some nonsense that I couldn’t believe so she dragged me to a café (state-approved, probably to indulge diplomats) near the embassy.

‘Boss, there’re only potatoes here!’ So she said.

‘Nonsense!’ So I answered.

Truth was laughing at my face, showing its smirk at me. My dinner consisted of mashed potatoes with a side of boiled potatoes. For drinks, I had the luxury of having potato juice sprinkled with a bit of grounded potato on top of it.

To my sides were the heroes who had given up their plates. I had automatically assumed café would equal good food so I brought them along as well. Only Lard seemed to be faring well, eating everyone’s shares. The rest of the heroes were knocked out from eating too much potato.

“Maven, what is the purpose of this torture? Do you hate me? What do you dislike about me? Are you planning on leaving me? I’ll…I’ll give you a raise! The promotions right around the corner!” I turned to Maven with ‘teary’ eyes.

“Wait, you idiot. You don’t even pay us.” Maven sighed and palmed her face. “Have you forgotten that I am a chef? This is disrespecting the traditional elven culinary! I did not learn how to cook for a thousand years only to be spat on by elves who only know how to cook potatoes in a thousand different ways!”

“Makes me wonder how these elves got all their potatoes…” Lard interjected while stuffing his mouth with more potatoes. In response, Maven silently pointed up.

What in the name of the Abyss…

The café itself was just inside the tree, with the ceiling partially covered only. Branches grew into the café’s ceiling and we could see the answer to our question. These potatoes were…grown from trees?!

“THIS IS ILLOGICAL!” I pointed upwards. “Do the elves only grow potatoes?!”

“Yes. Despite the incredible size of the Union, they only grow potatoes, or that’s what I heard from the others.”

Maven’s answer painted a bleak future for the tongues of the elves. Though the elves don't live as long as before, they still live longer than the average human, spanning at around 100 or so years.

To eat the same thing for a hundred years…

“You brought me here for a reason, go on.” I pushed empty plates towards Maven. This was a silent cry for ‘I want something else other than potatoes’.

“My friend, Rhylla, you remember her right?”

“Look, Maven. I’ve been stuck with you morons for a thousand years. I’d be the one who should be called a moron if I can’t remember you guys. Rhylla’s the pot maker, right?”

“You…YOU MORON! RHYLLA’S THE HERBALIST!” Maven slammed the table and then gave herself one long facepalm, “You even got the genders wrong. How do you mistake a big brawny guy with a timid small girl like Rhylla?!”

“Si…sister Maven…”

Maven hugged the relatively shorter person next to her, who I presume to be Rhylla. She seemed to have a low profile.

“Well..ugh…you know. We’re all undead so a herbalist isn’t that needed and…Ahh..ahh! Don’t cry! Don’t cry!” I kept my voice low but Rhylla still heard me.

“UWAAA! I KNEW IT! I’M USELESS!”

“YOU MADE HER CRY!”

“Excuse me. What was that about undead and all?”

We three undead froze on the spot and we forgot someone else wasn’t knocked out. Rhylla buried her face into Maven’s chest and I slowly clocked my head towards Lard.

“That…ah…No. You misheard.”

“My hearing’s pretty good, you know? Back in my world, I need to keep an ear out for rumors…mostly against me! Not that I got people talking behind my back or anything! People only had praises for me, Vakasa of the Darkness! Truly, it is!”

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Was that my finger or sweat dropping like waterfalls onto the floor? Ah, silly me. I can’t sweat. Perhaps if we ignore him…

“Maven, what was your plan again?”

“A..aah..Yeah. My plan. Let’s see…Rhylla and I will go fix the elven cuisine with…”

“I’m still here, you know?” Lard leaned against the table, with his eyebrows raised that could be saying, ‘There’s no escaping now! Mwhahahaha!’

“There’s no escaping now! Mwhahahaha!”

Ew. I couldn’t believe I could accurately predict what he was going to say, down to how much ‘ha’s he will make.

I pressed my finger against the table, mana ran through it and down onto the floor. Lard and I were surrounded by an invisible barrier of air, no sound could get in or out from here. As much as I would love to constantly surround Lard in it to mute him, I had to consume too much concentration just trying to hide the mana flow to keep a low profile.

But since I was desperate, I have to make this quick.

“Look, tubby. What would you do if I am undead, huh?”

“That’s awesome! Can I be an undead, too?!”

Huh. Normally people would begin gathering a pitchfork or something. Ah right, Lard was from another world. Could the undead be coexisting with the living in his world?

“You’re not going to start a continent-wide subjugation against me?”

“I don’t even know anyone here. Who cares about that! Turn me into a lich! A death knight! A skeleton king!”

“I could strangle you if you want.”

If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.

“Will that turn me into an undead?” His eyes sparkled with excitement.

“I could make you dead. Not the same thing as undead but its close enough.”

“That’s not close! That’s not what I want!”

Sigh. It would easier for my tour if less people knew who I was. What if I kick this guy off my group and he returns crying, with a baggage load of problems along with it? Should I just chop the back of this guy’s head? I heard it was an effective way of making people forget things…

“OW! What was that?! Why’d you do that?!” Lard groaned, rubbing the back of his head.

“My hand slipped. Never mind the potential damage to your brain, don’t tell anyone that I’m undead.”

“Ooohohooho, it’s like those novels! Fu, fu. Who do you think I am?! I, Vakasa of  the Darkness, is Vakasa of the Darkness, the Eternal Prince of Darkness Empire! Knowing this secret would only give me a weapon!”

“So you plan on blackmailing me, huh?! You little shit!” I grabbed Lard’s collars.

“Wait! WAIT! You misunderstand! I just think it’s cool that I know an undead and nobody else does! I swear!”

Letting go of Lard, I also silently destroyed the barrier of air surrounding us. The background noise from the café’s surrounding came back once more.

“I didn’t even know that you cancelled noise, that’s an undead for you. Say, are those two undead also?” He pointed at Maven and Rhylla.

“Shhhh! You idiot! Keep your voice low!” I planted my palm across Lard’s mouth and held tight, “All of my companions are undead. Shut your mouth about this entire thing and we’ll talk about this later. If you don’t, I’ll rip your mouth off and sell it to the lycans.”

With my hand still planted on his mouth, Lard nodded quickly. He remained still and quiet even after I released his mouth. With that problem solved, I turned to Maven.

“What about Rookie, your monster baby thing?”

“What about him? I’m stupid when it comes to scheming so I’m leaving that problem to your capable hands, Boss! I am confident that you would be able to release him.”

I gave it some thought before giving up, “Fine. The herbalist might finally be able to do something at least.”

“I wo-won’t let you down, B-boss!” Rhylla bowed at me many times. I swear, I didn’t even notice that she was in my group the entire time. Was she hiding behind Maven’s back the entire time?

*

*

*

What to do…what to do…

Being an immortal Archlich has some disadvantages. There was always the possibility of death from boredom. My spymaster Beor encountered some problems in trying to establish a spy network in the Union so I was pretty much still in the dark.

Most of my information came from the lycans but even their information network wasn’t enough for me to establish anything. My only lead was the princess who could be a potential starting point for my plans.

I adjusted my butt that was seated on a newly made saddle for my oversized magical cassowary monster, Cass.  The lycans attempted to buy her off me but they could not buy something that I find immensely useful.

I lightly kicked Cass and she let me down. Finding a comfortable spot to relax, I slouched against Cass’ feathery body and started to doze off. I realized that Cass was just a feathery bed with legs. She was very important to me in my life since I didn't need to carry a bed with me anymore.

With my sleeping posture secured, I should think of a way to bust Rookie out. Maybe. I’ll do it later. I still have a few more days until the court trial.

“TEACHER!”

…By the Abyss.

“TEACHER OF I, VAKASA OF THE DARKNESS!” I felt a kick against my side. I slowly turned my head towards the perpetrator and saw the greatest bane of my existence. Why was this guy so energetic early in the afternoon?

“Yeeeesss?”

“Although you have been teaching me magic, I still cannot use magic! Could it be that my right hand is draining the magic of this world, preventing me from using mana? I can feel it hunger for more power!”

“That sounds worrisome. Give me a moment to find my sword and I’ll cut it off for you.”

“WAIT! That’s not necessary! I like this hand! I mean…I, Vakasa of the Darkness, have no need for your help!”

“Is that so? Then I don’t need to teach you magic. Good bye.” I turned to my side and tried to sleep.

“Come on! You’re an undead. What kind of undead are you? Skeleton? Zombie? Ghost?”

“Yes. I’m a ghost. Woooo. So scary. Go away.” If only this guy wasn’t meant to be my replacement to guide the heroes, then I would’ve strangled this guy a long time ago.

“Hmpf. It seems that you will not indulge this prince of darkness. At least tell me why I can’t use magic.” Lard angrily sat in front of me and crossed his arms.

Normally I would’ve thought of a lie so he could go away, but given that he was from another world, it got my curious as well. I raised a finger and slowly sank it into Lard’s belly.

“….H-HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” Getting up, he swatted my finger and made some distance from me, “You can’t just touch my personage without my authorization! My belly is exclusive for me and catgirls only!”

“It looked funny so I touched it.”

“…”

“I’m joking. You really can’t use magic from what I could tell.”

“Seriously?! Impossible! How could this be?! I knew it! It was my right hand! It’s cursed for it has sealed the Blackest Darkness Dragon of the 14th Plane!”

“I found my sword.”

“N..never mind what I said! Why can’t I use magic?!”

“Something something. Too lazy to explain. It has something to do with you not belonging to this world. You’re not welcomed.”

“By who?! Bah, that doesn’t matter! If I can’t use magic, I’ll use my infinite knowledge! I’ll make a gun! Not just any gun! I’ll make a gun-arm! Also a black trench coat with an eye-patch! It’ll go so well with my white hair!”

…

“What’s a gun?”

“A gun is a man’s dream toy! It’s loud, it shoots fire and it can destroy your foes with a flick of a finger! With my infinite knowledge, making one shouldn’t be too hard! After all, I’ve spent my life studying stuff like how to make a city and other nonsense…I mean, important secrets like that!”

“Right. Dream on, kiddo.”

“That said, you’re an undead! You must have a whole bunch of random materials lying around!”

“What exactly do you think I am? A mule? Look, I don’t know what a gun is but my companions could probably help you with it. Go bother them.”

“Hmpf, hmpf! Very well, I shall grace them with my presence! I’ll return with a gun and make you drop your jaw with awe!”

“If you keep making noise, I’ll strap your jaw shut tight.”

I watched Lard run at the speed of a snail before he disappeared from my interest. I leaned against Cass, feeding her some magic to keep her from running away as I slowly dozed off.

Wait. This could be the opportune time for someone to disturb me. I prepared myself for the inevitable - Someone will come. I could feel it. I swear that as I doze off, someone will come calling for my name and I…I….will have…z.zzzz..ZZZZ….

“TEACHER.”

…

“TEACHER! There you are!”

“Blackhair and a side of twin tails.” I pointed at Blackhair, “Your next line would be, ‘I need your help.’”

“I need your help.”

“WHAT?!” Aera took a step back keeping a guard up.

“Stop acting like I’m an all-seeing oracle monster. Just tell me what you guys want.”

“We wish to have sword practice with you! We need to hone our abilities to defeat the Hostess of the Party. As someone picked by King Argo himself, surely you would have the skill of a master swordsman.”

“Hostess of the Party? If you need dance moves, I can teach you one or two…”

“No! The Hostess of the Party is the Demon Lord that rules over the evil genocidal demons! With our abilities right now, we won’t be able to beat her!”

I clicked my imaginary tongue, unhappy that they didn’t want to learn how to dance with a master like me. I hesitantly got up from the comfort of the grass on the ground and stretched my back.

Eh. Never mind. My back hurts.

“One of my servants will help you. Horatio, get out of here and show them how to not die.”

Horatio appeared behind Cass, wearing his uniform with the usual thick cloak. Unlike Lucia who was now a full-fledged vampire who hangs around an Archlich, Horatio was still bothered by the sun so he needed the cloak to protect himself.

“My lord, I hear and obey. I shall teach them swordsmanship that will not disgrace his lordship.”

Horatio held out his hand and was about to turn it into a flesh sword until I grabbed him hard.

“I don’t know what you were about to do but use this sword. This is an order.” I took Fatebinder off my hip and slapped it onto his hands. Horatio looked unhappy but obeyed nevertheless.

The odd group consisted of two heroes and a vampire left to train somewhere else so I could get back to lazing around. According to past experience, disturbances should only reach a maximum of two. With this, I should be able to get a good nap and…

“B..boss…”

“OH WHAT IS IT NOW? IT’S ALWAYS TEACHER THAT, TEACHER THIS. WHY NOT JUST GO DIE?”

“..Uw….”

“Wait…I made a mistake. No, no. Don’t cry.”

Oh no.

“…UWAAAAAAAH…”

Oh no.

“Shhh…don’t cry. I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

“I KNEW IT! I’M USELESS TO THE STRONGHOLD! UWAAAAAA!”

“Boss, did you make my lil sis cry?”

Oh no.

If I ignore Maven…No, that wouldn’t work. I turned to my back, perhaps I could ride Cass away from…

The damned bird ran.

“Boss, did you make my adorable little sister cry?” I could hear Maven cracking her knuckles.

Oh no.