I never said I was a morning person. Or an afternoon person. Or an evening person. I don’t even think I’m a person at all. I’m always unable to understand why I, as a skeleton, still feel my back aching, my joints cracking and my head throbbing with pain.

“Boss, I know you’re currently thinking about your miserable life, but your apprentice is here again,” One of my companions took my attention away from self-loathing as he opened the door to my quarters.

I was sitting up on my bed with my usual get-up and a sleeping hat, scratching my back. Why must the world exist? I will have no choice but to destroy this miserable little piece of rock these mongrels call home. Those who they dare disturb from my slumber…

“Hello, master. I brought you something they call ‘coffee’. It’s a bitter drink.” Kendra came into the room holding two cups. I suspiciously examined the hot brown liquid she handed me until she said that it wasn’t made from potatoes.

Taking a sip, I felt the bitterness of the drink disappear in my ‘mouth’. I started downing the cup since this curse of the undead only allowed me to savor the taste for a second before it disappears in a strange bright flame. Most of our disguises were built to hide the flame, making it seem as if we were eating the food normally.

“The Union allows something like this? It isn’t made from potatoes, as you said,” I asked Kendra as she sipped her cup of coffee slowly.

“No, I never said I got it from the elves. Apparently the heroes' party went around the poorer section of the town and they happened to come across this place that sells food not made from potatoes. Of course, it’s not advertised openly.” Kendra shrugged and continued, “Lard told the chef some weird nonsense and somehow the chef of the place made more delicious food. I shouldn’t have expected anything less from someone you have found.”

“Of course, I have an amazing eye when it comes to knowing who would serve my best interest while expecting the least reward!”

“Hold up, I never said I would become your apprentice for nothing, you damned old man! That reminds me, have you ever told us your name? You’re always referred by others as ‘Boss’ or ‘Teacher’ or ‘My friend’.”

“Cough…You came here for a reason, didn’t you? You wouldn’t come here just to deliver me some good cup of weird brown liquid. What do you want?” I asked as I got off my bed.

“You’re dodging the question. Tsk, fine. I’ll ask this another day, old man. It’s about Leyna. I know you’d be asking something like ‘Who the hell is that?’, so save your breath. She’s the priestess of the heroes’ party.”

“Oh, her. What about her? Is she up to something?”

“Yes, actually. As a coincidence, the place next to the food shop I mentioned earlier had become a…” Kendra paused for a minute, thinking for the right word, “…church?”

“Why’d you hesitate on that part?”

“You see, the elves are apparently godless. They don’t believe in higher beings or such.”

That caught me in a surprise. I thought they worshipped trees or something. Did I tell the girls of the heroes’ party wrong information? Not like it was a bad thing…right?

“The elves are atheists, so what?”

“Let me tell you something. Leyna wasn’t sent by Aon to join us because she’s the strongest person the Path of Light has. If they wanted to send their best fighter, they’d send someone like Lady Adrianna, Hero of the Path.”

Oooh. This Lady Adrianna woman sounded like bad news to me. I pray I never meet her…or something. I felt like I’ve met her multiple times already, though.

“So, she’s not an amazing fighter or something?”

“In terms of combat ability, she’s someone that could handle herself well enough in some situation. Her magic prowess is decent enough and her healing spells are some of the best. However, she’s not part of the party because of her healing potential. She’s here because she’s one of the best orators in the Path.”

“Orators…?”

“That’s right. She may look timid but when it comes to converting heathens and heretics, no one could best her. Every time I’m around her, she tries her best to convert me to her damned religion. The damned nut job wouldn’t give up! She’s fucking nuts!” Kendra snapped her fingers as she ended her sentence. She let out a sigh that felt like it was pent-up frustration.

This could also explain why Kendra could handle the higher form of mana so well without going nuts. Anyone would crack with something that couldn’t even be called dead or alive staring at you every second of your waking moment.

Anyways, piecing together what Kendra is telling me right now…

“Leyna’s gathering a mob of elven zealots?”

“No, not just a mob. The Aon ambassadors here in the Union are also secretly supplying her. What she’s making right now is what everyone would called, a ‘Great Purging Crusade’. A holy war to purge all heathens and heretics. That church is a gathering place for the zealots.”

Ok, what was with crazy people and the word ‘purge’. The fairies are trying to purge the continent of everything and the Aonians are trying to purge everything but them. Coincidence? I think not.

“I’m sure that a small mob of peasants armed with pitchforks wouldn’t be able to do much against the elven army, right?”

“The raid yesterday caused a massive panic among the elven leaders. There’s also the orcs who are marching against the Union as we speak.”

“Th..the orcs have started moving already?!”

“That’s right, I forgot to tell you last night because you kicked me out. It’s not like you wanted to work, right?”

I didn’t want to work but since we’re here in the Great Elven Forests, I wanted to tour it! I haven’t done anything interesting in this place except for a huge prison raid, a court trial and going to a fake elven café!

It wasn’t like I cared whether the orcs win or not, but if the orcs are being led by a demon, they’d probably tear this place apart.

“Come with me, we’re going to go investigate Leyna first,” I ordered.

“Wait, you’re leaving already? Aren’t you feeling cold? You’re just wearing plain old robes!” She followed me as I exited my quarters and ran down stairs.

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“Excuse you, my robes warm me well enough, probably even better than your thick fur coat.”

I rushed towards the exit while devising my plan. First, stop Leyna from getting a mob of fanatics from burning the place. Second, stop a bunch of orcs from burning the place. Oh boy, these two groups have so much in common.

Although, that was supposed to be the plan…

Two elves blocked the exit with their halberd-staves and saluted at me. “Comrade, I am sorry but you cannot leave. The Comrade Premier has just called for you and insists that you meet with him as soon as possible,” One of the elves informed me.

*

*

*

After being escorted by the elven guards and leaving Kendra out, I was seated across the leader of the Elven Union, Premier of the Unionist Party Petyn Oakinov. He doesn’t seem that bad as I would’ve thought.

“You lose again,” The premier said as he showed me his hand of cards.

“WHAT?! IM..IMPOSSIBLE!” I threw down my cards in frustration.

“Well, I’m not one of the best at this but your skill at this is depressingly subpar.” Oakinov took off a roll of paper and placed it in his mouth. Snapping his finger, he used magic to produce a fire small enough to burn the end of it. “Cigar?” He offered.

I was curious so I accepted his offer and imitated him. I wasn’t sure what to taste here...I bit into the cigar and attempted to register the taste.

“It’s good, vah? Inhaling the smoke calms the nerves.” Oakinov said as he tapped his cigar against a small circular tray – An ashtray.

“Oh, yes. I am totally not eating this. Ahem…Ehm. You called me here for a reason?” I asked as I placed the cigar against the ashtray.

“Actually, yes. The heroes’ party seemed intristrivya…interesting. I was wondering who was their so-called nyistanka….mentor is. I’ve learned quite a bit, so I’m moving to my next objective.”

“Objective?”

“Have the heroes told you what I’ve told them?”

“No?”

“Ha, I expected this.” Oakinov leaned back against his chair and stroked his glorious moustache. It was graying but it still looked lively. The premier had a scar running across one of his eyes, which was now fully white and wrinkles all of over his aging face showed his age, which was saying something as he was an elf.

The premier continued, “I know you’re not here to give me some sort of greeting card from the King of Angolia. You’re here to stop the elves and orcs from fighting. Let me make this clear, the elves are not ready for a war.”

“Not ready for a war?”

“Vah, the Union is young and much of the state isn’t centralized enough to be efficiently governed. Even recently, the prison was attacked, that is to say the Kreylin itself was attacked.”

“So you’re trying to tell me that it wasn’t the elves that started this?”

“Of course, we have no reason to provoke those barbarian savages. They’re the warmongers, not us. There is without a doubt a demon controlling the orcs. My spies have speculated that there would be a demon leading them in the assault against the Union. Cut off the head of the snake and the rest follows,” Oakinov explained.

“True…” It was my turn to lean back against my chair. I tapped onto the arms of the chair and thought about it. I didn’t have much to lose as long as I had something to sightsee. Thinking about it, it wouldn’t be that bad if the orcs burn the entire place, I’d like to see a sea of fire and…No, no. These were evil thoughts!

 I am not evil! I am a friendly undead! The undead are not evil!

“What did the brats say about this whole thing?”

“The black-haired generic looking human said that the heroes will only help us defensively.”

“I’ll do that then. Don’t expect me to fight your war, elf.”

“Vah, vah. I don’t expect you to. For your first move, I suggest moving to the border town of Revolution Fields. There is a defensible base at that place and could be the first place attacked by the orcs.”

“If you say so, old man. I’ll go make preparations.”

Preparations for my tour, that is!

“Ah, wait. Before you leave, my men are investigating the recent prison raid and they confirmed that there was niviyitzhu majay….undead magic.”

I paused from getting off my chair when he said ‘undead magic’. Why was he asking me this? Was he suspecting me?

“O-oh, really? That means that there could be a traditionalist necromancer.”

“I didn’t say anything about the traditionalists.” I looked back at the premier and he was gently tapping his cigar against ashtray while blowing smoke out of his nose. His stare held killer vibes which would’ve made me unconsciously gulped had I not been a thousand year old Archlich.

Besides, I couldn’t gulp. I’m a skeleton.

“I’m speculating, of course. I heard from the guards that the traditionalists tried breaking in multiple times so I figured that they were desperate enough to use necromancy, that’s all. I heard there was someone teaching necromancy to people in the Sorcerer City States.”

“Ho? This is interesting news, I should look into this. That is all I have to say to you. I bid you luck in repelling the orcs but take your time. My reports say that the orcs won’t come for another two months. You should carefully prepare for the time being.”

“Ah..yeah, thanks.”

His only good eye stared at me and the room darkened as a shadow was cast against his face. He silently smoked his cigar, patiently waiting for me to leave.

Gulp.

*

*

*

Exiting the room, my legs felt like stone from staying in that room. That was scary! I wouldn’t want to stay in that room any longer than I needed.

“You’re ready to go, master?” Kendra ran up to me as soon as I left the premier’s office.

“Huh? What? Go where?”

“The….you know…Leyna’s place.” She was about to mention the church until she realized the two elven guards standing guard by the premier’s office. I wanted to leave this place anyway so I followed Kendra off the Kreylin and into the poorer parts of the city.

The difference between this part of the city and other parts was that the large trees here looked unhealthy. Some of them looked brittle and others had scars from many battles that happened before. There was also little to no guards patrolling and the elves here were mostly beggars, ruffians and thugs.

I thought the elves all shared wealth? I caught sight of Kendra looking at me as I wondered that.

“All the elves are equal…it’s just that some are more equal than others. Resources are not unlimited.” Kendra shrugged.

Right, that was weird. Please stop reading my mind.

“Over there! There’s the church!” Kendra pointed at a round down shack built between two trees. As I followed her, I noticed the building next to it.

“Wait a minute…” I turned my body and started going towards that way. The smell of fresh food basically guided my steps. Kendra tried to get my attention back to the impending zealot crisis but that could wait.

There were a lot of elves waiting in line to get in and there was a familiar cloaked figure organizing the line and keeping the hungry mob from swarming the building.

“Oh, hello, welcome to the ‘Potatoes Only’ restaurant! Though the name suggests otherwise…wait, Boss?!” Horatio jumped back a bit as he was surprised to see me.

“Horatio, my only tip to you is that spy master Beor wants you dead,” I greeted Horatio.

“What for? Have I offended him? Is it because I am the only normal person in your group? It is not my fault that he is a sadomasochistic freak…” He bit the tip of his thumb with his sharpened teeth in frustration and I slapped him lightly.

“As blunt as always, I see. Also, for the last time, stop sharpening your teeth.”

“It is unhygienic not to.”

“Hey, why the hell is he sharpening his teeth, master? Last time I remembered, only vampi-“

I flung my palm at Kendra’s face and covered it. “Be careful my apprentice! This man is a freak! He is constantly troubled by his poor dental hygiene and might infect you with his crappy attitude and habits!”

“Compared to your utter bone headedness, I am utterly fine.”

“Don’t let his passive aggressiveness infect you, my apprentice!”

“Hey! What’s going on outside?! I told that damned vampire to keep the lines in check and…” A familiar robed figure with the distinctive chef hat that I could recognize from a mile away came out of the shop, trying to push the mob of hungry peasant trying to storm her shop. “Boss?!”

“Heya, Maven. Make me some chicken pie.” I waved at her as she stared at me.

“Are you kidnapping little kids in broad daylight?”

“Wh..Wait, no! This is Kendra! Remember my apprentice? I am not kidnapping her!” I freed my hand from Kendra’s face to prove my innocence. Contrary to what I hoped, Kendra plopped onto the ground, unconscious. Oh shit, I must have held her for too long…

“Guards! Guards! We have a criminal here!” Maven started shouting.

“Lady Maven, I am slightly troubled as to how the stirrer should be rotated in a circular motion…Boss?!”

Was ‘Boss?!’ the word of the day or something?

It seemed that another familiar person came out of the restaurant and this time from a larger door. He was hunched, was walking on all four and was holding a pot with his elastic long arm.

“We’ve got to talk how you ended up working for Maven, Rookie.” I said as I carried Kendra’s unconscious body on my shoulders and approached Rookie.

“My apologies, Boss. As a civilized man, I cannot participate in the act of kidnapping adolescents.”

“FOR THE LAST TIME, I’M NOT KIDNAPPING HER!”