Chapter 8 - Centurion DeekDeek, Goblin Soldier of the Purple Dog

“You’ve cut this chicken breast so finely! I can’t believe it’s so tender! These strips of meat are paper thin! How do you even describe how it melts in ones mouth?”

My personal chef says nothing. My compliments just roll off of him. I suppose he’s heard it all before. He’s a human that was captured to serve in the legion command mess hall. That didn’t last long.

Now, he serves on the front lines in our endless war with the Grand Kingdom. Rather than the huge kitchens he’s seen, he has a single boiling pot balanced on a tripod over the campfire.

“I still don’t know how you did all this in a single hour!”

Again, he says nothing. Even so, the spread of food in front of me can’t be dismissed so easily. There’s the sliced chicken breast in a savory sauce, a tidy pile of rice, plus freshly quartered tomatoes on top of grated cabbage and carrots. Just where did he get the salad dressing?

The legionnaires under my command watch on with jealous eyes, thick ropes of drool pouring from their open maws. But there are benefits of rank. I get the good food!

“Oh and what’s this? Cheesecake? With strawberries? And marshmallow fluff? How did you cook cheesecake in that pot?”

My question remains unanswered. Chefs and their mysterious powers! Instead, he passes me a small bottle of sauce that he’s prepared. It’s dark and solidly opaque, with a small gravity-fed nozzle at the top.

“What is this? What do I do with it?”

He points to the label written on the side.

“Jalapeno-chocolate sauce? But… how? Where did you get the beans and the peppers?”

He motions pouring it in lines over the cheesecake, but wouldn’t that ruin the subdued fruity flavor? How could I do that? Since his motions are becoming more insistent, I oblige him. I wouldn’t want to offend the best chef I’ve ever had!

Following his directions, the stripes are laid out in a clear grid, with a final artistic flair added to the side, on the plate itself. It looks like a… heart symbol? What is he trying to say? He loves cheesecake?

I examine the finished product, leaning my eyes down to get a view from the side. In the meantime, one of my subordinates faints from hunger, falling over into the arms of his comrades. If only I had some way to immortalize this moment! A painting? Poetry? Haiku!

“Spicy chocolate

Strawberry cheesecake combine

Sweet treat for my tongue!”

There is a polite clatter of applause from my men. But the dripping of their drool is louder still. I brandish my fork, and the chef steps back, folding his arms confidently.

The sharp edge of my fork presses in, the soft cheesecake yielding under its gentle pressure. The sauce on top swells to sparkling beads, but retains its position by adhering to the smooth surface below.

As my fork penetrates deeper, I discover that the succulent strawberries are taut with a firm internal pressure. They do not bend! Never! No, they slice apart from the most delicate touch. I can hear the sharp pop of their skin splitting. Yet, not a single drop of juice spills onto the plate.

I don’t know if I’m ready for this!

Will I ever be ready?

If not now, then when?!

I lift up the soft wedge of heaven to hover beneath my long nose. I could take the whole thing with one bite, but I know that I must savor this moment!

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First, I draw in a breath through my nostrils. This smell! This scent! How can I describe it?

I am reminded of my time in the creche. Scrabbling claws. Biting teeth. Then, one day, one of the many mothers brought us a treat. A stolen bowl of goat’s milk! The battle was fierce. The wounds were many. However, I rose victorious and claimed that prize.

Could this rival that day? Could it be…

“Centurion! The enemy has been sighted!”

“W-w-what?”

Although my nearest soldiers are focused on my meal, the farther scouts are still loyal to their duties. They would not be so remiss as to allow the enemy to surprise us.

I look back to the single bite hovering on the fork so near to my lips. Its light creamy sweetness calls out to me. “Eat me! You want me! You need me! Eat me!”

No! Duty comes first. I set the fork back down onto the plate. Tears spill from my eyes. Snot spills from my nose. There are so many fountains of sorrow! But, duty comes first!

“Scout! Report!”

“The Grand Kingdom’s army is advancing over the hills to the south!”

“Numbers?”

“We are nearly equal.”

I grin, allowing my sharp canines to show over my lower lip. “Fools! We have the ogres arrayed behind us! How does the Kingdom expect to overcome our strength?”

“Perhaps it is a feint?”

“You mean our propaganda has failed? The humans have realized we are not the foolish beasts of their children’s fairy tales?”

“It is possible.”

“Indeed. I suppose it is. Send scouts to the rear to make sure there is no flanking force behind us.”

“By your command, centurion!”

“Sound the horn to take up arms! Wake the ogres! This will be a slaughter! Oh, and you there!” I point to my chef. “Keep my dessert chilled for later!”

My army unit is well trained and well equipped. We strap into our segmented bronze armor and don our plumed helmets. Our colors and capes are purple, to match the purple dog banner that rises behind my position.

“Now we will see how humans die!” I scream out to rally my troops.

“Humans die!” They shout back as a chorus. The sound echoes off the opposing hills, and I see the enemy's steps falter. Fools! They attack us in our prepared positions?

“Centurion! There are reinforcements coming from behind!”

“Behind… behind their main force?”

“No. Our own reinforcements. Behind us. Allied forces.”

My grin widens. This was already going to be a rout. Now, it will be a massacre! Perhaps, in the chaos afterwards, we will even push forward to take one of their undefended villages. I can't help but grin in anticipation. Looting and pillaging does so much for morale!

But, behind me, I hear a strange thrumming. It is like the deep throated roar of some great horde. I turn back to my rearmost commander. “You said there were reinforcements coming?”

“Yes, centurion!”

“It sounds like quite a few. How many?”

“Just one. It is some sort of chariot-golem.”

“Oh, really?” I haven’t heard of this development before, so I take out my spyglass to take a look for myself.

It is exactly as he described. A wheeled chariot-golem. It is quite fast too! At this rate, it will beat us to the front lines of the enemy! A cloud of dust and smoke marks the path where it came from.

I look closer. Parts of the surface appear metallic, but there are also portions that are shiny glass. Surely not glass! Wouldn’t that be too fragile? Perhaps adamant? A steel-adamant chariot-golem. Just the thought sends a shiver down my spine.

“Victory to the legion!” I scream out.

“Victory!” my legionnaires shout back.

As a point of curiosity, the golem is covered in the most garish pink fishnet cloth. Are those the colors of its host regiment? Who commands this beast? The pink incubi? The rosy bloodletters? The fleshy death? The coral crabs? The salmon salmon? I want to know!

I follow its path with my spyglass and gasp in surprise as I see it crash through my own troops on the left flank. Bodies fly into the air. I see an ogre crushed beneath its wheels and left for dead. If I only knew the words, I would describe it as a lawn-mower.

“That’s no ally! It’s an enemy! We are attacked! Wheel around to face it! Set spears to repel a charge!”

I remove the spyglass and howl at my signal crew. They are well-trained, so they begin flashing the colors of their flags immediately. I feel my army rise as one unit, like a single living organism. We will not be so easily beaten!

The golem thing has broken through our lines from the rear, but now it turns, heading straight down the middle of our ranks. I raise the glass again to my eye, only to see it crush over the set spears, shrugging off every strike. My heart falters as I realize that its glassy eyes are focused on my own position!

“It’s coming for my cheesecake!” It’s so obvious now. How… when… why did this happen? I didn’t deserve that cheesecake, so fate was punishing me! I should have taken that bite when I had the chance! Then, I could die without regrets!

However, there was still more to see! Looking more closely at the golem’s body, I note that it has tiny arms sticking out from both sides of its massive head. And in its right arm, I notice a small shiny object.

“Be careful men! It’s not just a golem! It’s worse than that!”

My nearest subordinates turn to look at me. After all, what could be worse?

“It has a knife!”

“BEEEP! BEEEP! BEEEP!”