Chapter 14 - Champion Ushio, Minotaur Duelist of the Crimson Cow

“A chariot of adamant?” I ask again. I already know the answer, but I’m hoping for some new insight or hint of a weakness.

“It’s not entirely invulnerable. The body is steel. The adamant shielding only covered certain points such as the eyes and the driver's shielding.”

This answer comes from my new advisor, a decorated goblin centurion formerly of the Purple Dog. He was recently returned in a prisoner exchange, but already back on the front lines. In a single battle, his prior regiment lost so many soldiers that it was disbanded. Terrifying! But, now, he serves the Crimson Cow. My regiment.

As we speak, he avoids my gaze. Most people do. It’s said that meeting my eyes is a sure trip to the grave. I’ve killed more challengers than anyone alive. In response, I’ve started wearing sunglasses, but still nobody will look at me. On the other hand, most people are already discomfited by the sight of a cowman wearing a cowboy hat.

“This golem’s armor was the source of your defeat?”

“No, its greatest weapon was its speed.”

With the hero as my personal target, the goblin’s knowledge and experience is irreplaceable. I’ll need every advantage I can muster. According to intelligence, the hero’s level is still low, so we need to stop it now!

“It moves quickly then?”

“Faster than any horse… or cow. I didn’t even have time for my cheesecake!”

I watch as his eyes tear up. Is this some post traumatic disorder? I feel for him, but I wish he didn’t wax on so often about his missing dessert! I mean, I know the wonders of sweetened milk better than anyone, but work comes first!

“How will we attract its attention?”

“From reports, it always appears wherever the fighting is heaviest.”

I look around to our battle lines, then forward to the matching formations of the enemy. If the golem-hero seeks out combat, then I’m already in the best position. In order to proffer my challenge, we must force it to come to us!

I stand to address the troops. “Sound the trumpets! Raise the banners! We’re marching forward!”

To add impetus to my command, I heft up my axe in my left hand and swing it around my head. Many have supposed that I’m left-handed, but that is not true. My right hand is reserved for my other, hidden weapon. It is held back for the rare cases that I can’t win without desperate measures.

Behind me, the deep bellows of the regiment tubas ring out. Beside me, the banner bearers step out, leading our fighting line directly toward the enemy. Across the expanse, I can see the enemy archers nocking arrows and, behind them, the artillerists reeling back the tensioning wheels of their ballistae.

It’s a fool-headed maneuver. We are moving forward alone, charging directly at the point of greatest resistance. The allied regiments to my left and right must be scratching their heads. Even if we reach the enemy lines, my regiment would be torn to shreds. There’s no way that we could push through. But that’s not the point!

My gamble almost immediately pays off.

As described by my advisor, the thing appears in a cloud of dust. Speeding across the battlefield, I can hear its battle cry calling out to meet us.

“BEEP BEEP BEEP!”

This time, though, something is different. In the past, we’d heard that the chariot platform was empty, as if the vehicle were driving itself. However, I can clearly see two humans seated within, both females. The first is a magician of some sort, with flowing robes and a pointy hat. The other is small, wearing fishmail armor with sparkly cat-ears on top.

I’m not sure what this means, so I turn to my advisor, but he looks just as confused as me. Does the addition of riders increase the danger even further? No matter, I already have all the tricks that I need to take the crown of victory.

With a motion to my aides, I halt the advance of our soldiers. Our target has appeared, so we have no reason to face the combined might of the Grand Kingdom. In fact, my troops begin a quick retreat. Only I remain stationary. I stand alone except for the goblin at my side.

As desired, the chariot continues to approach, so I begin my ritual. Though it may appear as the involuntary throes of a berserker’s rage, my hooves are actually stomping out a huge magic circle. I have to move quickly, cutting a few corners. Not that circles have corners...

I must admit, the centurion was right. That golem is fast! It speeds at us in a straight line, eating up the distance. But it is too late. Just before it comes into arrow range, I begin my chant, “Ways of Maze. Maze of Ways. Lead us away to your daze!”

Beside me, I hear the as goblin gasps at me in surprise, “The endless enigma? Isn’t this the most powerful of the minotaur magical arts? Are you sure you have enough power?”

This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.

With a nod and a smile, I repeat the spell again, forcing the syllables into the hardening air. Already, my perception is twisting as the world takes on the aspect of the cow’s eye. There will be no escape.

His voice is humble. “I’ve heard it said that even a grand master can only do this once in their lifetime! I am so honored to be here to witness this event!”

He’s only half-right. Indeed, only a grand master of the bovine arts can summon up the full power of the endless enigma. And yes, the requirements to cast it are quite extreme. However, the idea that the spell kills the caster isn’t strictly true.

The strength behind the secret bovine arts comes from within the stomach. That is why only a minotaur like myself is capable of it. You see, like our cattle ancestors, we have FOUR stomachs. Were I to lose one of those, or were they not in perfect condition, then this spell would be impossible.

Even then, casting this magic demolishes my digestive apparatus. It’s like eating broken glass. Assuming I make it home alive, I’ll be on a strict diet of pre-chewed grass for several years while I recover!

Among all the bovine arts, this spell is reserved for true emergencies. However, in this case, the price is worth it! With this magic, I can end the golem-hero’s reign of terror. The fact that I caught two more humans in my spell? That’s just a bonus!

I watch as the spell moves on to completion. Tiny cows stream out from my body, covering the landscape, devouring the grass, and remaking the terrain to their liking. At least, that is what appears. In actuality, everyone within the area of effect is shifted over into the pocket dimension known as “cow level.”

Gradually, the world that exists is rebuilt around me. Where before there was the uneven plain of grass, the vegetation withers away and the ground flattens out as smooth as a mirror. Next, rock-hand walls spring upwards in a sinuous pattern as far as the eye can see.

Immediately, I see that the approaching chariot-golem is mired in the strange terrain. Soon however, the growing walls reach a level higher than my own head, blocking line of sight. With that, the puzzle is complete. The endless enigma is unforgiving.

“Now what?” asks the goblin centurion. I’d almost forgotten about him.

“Now, we wait for them to die.”

“This maze is so dangerous?”

“Time passes more quickly the further one is from the center. Within a few hours, they will age beyond their lifetime and then perish.”

“But, what if they solve the maze?”

“It is impossible. With every dead end that they reach, the maze rebuilds itself, intentionally leading you further from the middle.”

“Then, you must navigate perfectly?”

“Exactly. You must use the ‘eye of the cow’ to find the center.”

“The eye of the cow? Is that one of the secret bovine arts?”

“No, it’s a technique from a different source.”

I show him my axe. A minotaur’s axe has many secrets. But, the most important is the periscope that runs down the length of the handle. By grasping the blades, you can lift the other end up to gain ‘herd vision’ from a higher vantage point.

Holding the axe blades to his eyes, he swivels around in place, examining the maze in all directions. It’s just high enough to see over the walls.

“Genius! I’ll have to get one of these.”

“Only the finest minotaur smiths can make one like this. Otherwise, the handle will be too fragile for use in battle.”

“Really? That’s too bad. This really does give… wait, they’re doing it too!”

“What?” I grab back my axe and then apply it to peer outwards in the same direction that he was looking. It takes only a moment to locate their progress. “It can’t be!”

The enemy is only about a hundred paces away. The smallest one, with the fish armor, is standing on top of the shoulders of the magician, who is standing on top of the highest point of the chariot.

As I watch, she examines the layout of the maze around her and then points forward to direct the chariot’s movements. Apparently, the golem can also move slowly? It only creeps along, but I can see that it is taking the correct path.

After the next intersection, the fishmail girl smiles over in my direction and gives me a wave, “Ye mus’ be havin’ fun? Ye jus’ keep on hidin’ over there! We’ll be with ye in a jiffy!” She even blows me a kiss. Well… I suppose she blows a kiss toward my periscope.

“I think we’re in trouble.”

“What was your first clue?” The goblin sighs.

When they round the last corner, I have my axe ready for battle. I’ve also unrolled my secret weapon - a lasso for use in my right hand. My skills with such wrangling ropes are unmatched, so my plan is to pull off any riders. Unfortunately, this tactic proves useless. Both of the humans have retreated back inside of the vehicle. In fact, they appear to be eating cookies while it charges toward me.

I don’t expect to win. How could I? But maybe, with the right strategy, I might pull us out of the jaws of defeat! “You go left, I’ll go right. Aim for the legs. They look softer than the rest.”

That seems like a good plan, but I am betrayed. The goblin centurion beside me drops his weapons with clatter and holds his hands up in the air. “I surrender!”

I suppose he’ll be going back again as a captive? I certainly will not! As the beast roars forward in a cloud of dust, I charge to meet it.

“BEEP BEEP!”

At the last second, I roll to the side away from the golem’s knife and swipe its flank with my axe. The body is tough, but the steel carapace is thin! It is not nearly as impenetrable as I feared!

“You think this is my slaughterhouse? That will be your mistake… get it? Your mistake miss steak! Hahaha!”

“BeBeBeBEEP! BeBeBeBEEP!”

The golem has a sense of humor! Is that laughter?

The next time we charge at each other, I employ the same maneuver, sinking my axe even deeper into its side. Unfortunately, it swings the rear axle around, quite nearly clipping off my leg. In the fray, my hat goes flying.

“I’m a cow, not a coward!! Mooooo!”

I watch as the golem swings around, I see a distinct weakness in its movements. No matter how fast it goes, it’s not very agile. In fact, I think I can win this! It may take a while, but as long as I can keep taunting it into foolish maneuvers, I’ll be the one victorious!

Better yet, with the right tactic, I can save my own stamina while forcing the golem to do all the work. After the next pass, I pull off my large red hat and wave it in front of me. “Toro! Ole! Ole!”

This tactic should have worked, but I learn too late that the doors on either side can be opened unexpectedly. Too late, I dodge away as the fish-girl kicks the door open. One hit at those speeds is all it takes to turn the battle.