Chapter 28 - Legate Sato Mamoru, Demon Lord and Master of the Legions

I never really liked my throne. It’s way too chuunibyou for my own tastes. I should have put my foot down when I first arrived, but I was scared stiff back then. I guess I missed my chance.

From what I’ve been told, the legate three generations back had it built out of human bones. The legate after him had it painted black and added giant bat wings and jeweled accessories. The legate after him decided it needed some side decorations, so now there’s an obsidian statue of a demonic hound on both sides.

Now, I have to sit on it. Every day. For hours. It’s too creepy, even for me, and it’s not even comfortable! Though, I guess it numbs the mind from all the terrible, immoral decisions that my subordinates expect from me.

At least the food is good. The demon palace cafeteria is top notch! We import food from all over the continent and the best chefs too. There was this one human chef I liked quite a lot. He disappeared though when Minister Bubspittle detected some rebellious thoughts.

I still regret that moment. If the chef had just talked to me, I could have helped him out with his rebellion! I’m feeling pretty rebellious, too. I've heard that comes with being a teenager.

Lately, my throne room has been getting more and more crowded. Apparently, conditions on the front lines to the south have hmm… gone south? I wish there was someone here who could understand my idioms and jokes. Instead, they always attribute it to some dark revelation or secret plot.

The worst was those cow jokes. I thought they were funny, but it turned into a horror story. “What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.” I laughed and laughed at their confusion, until they started showing me the minotaurs they’d bred without legs. Yuck!

Today, there appears to be even more activity among my advisors than usual. Praetorio Lumpjuice, the cyclopean captain of the palace guard, looks out of sorts. His single eye, in the middle of his head, darts back and forth. As I watch, my other ministers seem to be pushing him forward, but he’s struggling to remain behind them. Nobody ever wants to be the one to give me bad news.

I guess this is the usual problem. They’re all so scared of me! But, it’s not my fault I’m so powerful. I’ve never misused my power, not even once! Well… I guess there was that time that I asked for some flowers to brighten up the throne room. How did I know that they’d cut them surgically off of the dryads just to make me happy?

This time, I’ll do better. In fact, maybe I should be more proactive? “Praetorio Lumpjuice! Your comrades obviously have something to say. Why don’t you tell me what they want?”

That felt pretty clever! I put him in front to do the talking, but they’re still the ones on the hook. That should teach them to stand up for themselves in the future.

“Legate! May you live forever!” He rushes forward to the spot on the floor reserved for audiences and prostrates himself flat onto the floor in a full kowtow bow. I keep telling them they don’t need to do that, but I guess it makes them happy. Sometimes, they even chain captives to the floor in that spot and position. That’s just embarrassing! What if my mom saw that?

I motion to him with my iron scepter, giving him the right to speak. Glancing upwards, he maintains his bowing position, but raises his single eye to meet mine. “There have been some unfortunate developments on the front lines. We are trying to decide who is responsible so they can cut out their own hearts for your amusement.”

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“Oh, never mind that part! It’s really not that amusing! Just tell me what happened. Maybe I can fix it!”

He lowers his head back to the floor, probably glad that it’s not his own heart on the line. “We have lost the southern battle line. Even now, the Grand Kingdom’s armies are marching here, soon to reach our capital city.”

“We lost … the war? We can’t stop them?” This does sound like trouble. I’ve never really tried out all those cheat powers I have. I’d hate to have to learn them while fighting for my life.

“Our armies are in disarray. Even though reinforcements are coming from our other fronts in the other directions, it will be too late. Unless something happens, we will be fighting for the palace before night falls.”

“Wow! That’s pretty rough!”

“Rough? Ahh… yes. We’ll make sure to use some rough punishment. Sand? Gravel?” My idiom goes right over his head straight to somewhere awful.

“No! Let’s forget all that for now. First, we need to turn this around! Hmm… tell me what happened at the front. How did it get so bad so fast?”

“We’ve been losing territory for some time, but yesterday, the Grand Kingdom knocked down the mountain that served as a natural barrier between our countries.”

“Knocked it down? Like… flat?”

“It is not flat. I would describe it more like rubble and waste. Unfortunately, our southern army was on top of it at the time. Now, they are likely underneath it.”

“Oh! Do we need to dig them out?”

“Err… Legate. I mean to say that our southern armies are no more.”

“I see. That’s bad, right? So, how’d they knock down the mountain? Magic?”

“Indeed. A few months ago, they summoned a new hero that ...”

I cut him in my excitement. “A hero! From another world?”

“Yes, Legate. Much like yourself.”

“Wow! What’s his name? What does he look like? Is he older than me?”

“She is not human.”

“Huh? The new hero is a girl and … a monster? An animal?”

“No, Legate. The hero is a golem chariot. She has room for two or three riders, plus space to carry cargo in the back.”

“A chariot? With horses?”

“No, she moves without horses.”

It takes a moment for my brain to process his description. “The hero is a truck?”

Instantly, I realized my error. This world doesn’t have a word for truck. Instead, I just said the Japanese word that best fit into the sentence.

However, Lumpjuice gives me a strange look with his single eye, “The hero’s name is indeed ‘Truck-chan’. Just like you said. Your wisdom and foresight are never-ending!”

“Truck-chan?” I’ve only been here a few years. There’s no way the auto-driving cars back home have gotten to the point that they could be called a person and summoned as a hero. Nor could they knock down mountains.

“W-w-wait! Is Truck-chan pink? WIth the picture of a bow on the side?”

“Yes, Legate! Have you encountered her before?”

I don’t answer immediately. Instead, I look up at the ceiling to jog my memory. My recollection of that day wasn’t so clear. But, I have a clear impression of the pink truck screeching around the corner in a street-racer drift and then barreling straight at me.

When I pause, Lumpjuice follows my gaze upwards. Then, his face pales and he smacks his head down onto the floor. The whole throne room descends into complete silence. In fact, they begin bowing down onto their faces, starting from the front all the way to the back.

I’m not quite sure what the commotion is this time until I hear a whisper from the back. “The demon lord is receiving a dark revelation! We are saved!”

I interrupt their foolishness. “So this Truck-chan? I think I would like to meet her!”

“You will go forward into battle yourself!”

“Oh, I guess so. Why not? Yes!”

“Legate! May you live forever!” He smacks his head onto the floor again. Those behind him do so as well. Then they keep doing it. Repeatedly. The sound of their bonking foreheads is loud enough in the throne room that I worry about them all having concussions tomorrow.

“Stop that!”