Chapter 29 - Praetorio Lumpjuice, Cyclopian Prefect of the Praetorian Guard

Many people seem to have the misconception that since cyclops only have half as many eyes, they must also have half the brains. Sure, there’s that whole embarrassing story with that hero Odysseus, but Polyphemus was from the bad side of the family. I mean, seriously, even his name should clue you in! What sort of person would call himself “Mr. Famous?”

On the other hand, there are times where I really don’t know what to do. For example, when our Legate, the Demon Lord, decides to take a trip to meet the enemy commanders. Just what are the Praetorian guards supposed to do?

We already obey his every whim, so we have to obey his orders. He obviously received a new dark revelation, so there must be a good reason for this! At this same time, we have to protect him from all dangers. There’s no telling what underhanded trick the enemy might throw at us.

“Muster all the guards! Summon the champion warriors from each regiment of the army! We’ll give this ‘Truck-chan’ something to worry about!”

My underlings skitter here and there. Each of us is doing our best to keep everything organized. My problem though is the Legate himself. I must delay him until our preparations are ready. To this end, I asked his servants to fix him up to look his most regal.

I know that won’t last for long. The Legate is never patient with clothing and fashion. One might think he dislikes all the pomp and circumstance. I suspect it’s just his way of leading by example. In the last few years, under his command, the Legion has once again become a meritocracy. That’s part of the reason we summoned him!

By the time I assemble his most trusted guards, my time runs out. The door flies open and he comes striding out, “There’s no more time for these delays! Take me to Truck-chan!”

“Legate! May you live forever!” As his guards, we all bow with our heads to the floor.

“STOP doing that! I’m in a hurry!”

“Legate! By your command!” We usher him out of the palace to his imperial palanquin. This is carried by the four golems of the Legion: marble, granite, quartz, and pumice. The first three are his supports for strength and solidity. Pumice is there in case the Legate wants to take a bath.

All around us are the great champions. At the front, leading the common legionnaires is the goblin DeekDeek, recently promoted to Prefect. Our rearguard has Ushio the minotaur, although I’ve heard that he’s lost a lot of weight. Even now, he looks somewhat sickly and he’s clutching his gut. Guarding the palanquin itself are the Five Skulls, finally reassembled as a team again. The fae archers following behind us are led by Prefect Miyu and her chosen understudy, Mitsuki.

When the trumpets give the call to march, we set off away down the main street from the doors of the palace. It’s a short trip. No more than a hundred meters. The reason for that is just how fast our armies have disintegrated. If we went any farther, we’d be nose to nose with the enemy troops that are coming up the same street.

This seems like my job, so I step forward with my bugle. Once I give them a “Hey, what’s up?” sort of tune, I walk towards their lines to serve as envoy. Looking back, I can see the Legate has opened the curtains of his transport to see what happens.

At the head of the enemy line, I see the pink chariot-golem that we heard about. Since that’s the Legate’s goal, I head straight for her. Peering through the adamant shell that covers the canopy, I can see that there are two humans inside.

The first one is a young boy in ceremonial armor. He has the same cape as Truck-chan herself, so he must be a vassal of the champion. Perhaps a personal servant. He also has his visor down, so I can’t make out any details. But, he doesn’t look dangerous.

The other is a young girl wearing what looks like a pink golem outfit. It matches Truck-chan herself, including pink ribbon bows like the one painted on the side. Otherwise, the costume is blocky and cubical. In fact, if it wasn’t for her pink robotic cat-ears, the whole thing would look awkward. Never mind that thought, it’s still awkward! Regardless, she looks strange, but completely harmless. Probably a mascot animal... err... human. She IS human, right?

When I come within earshot, I stop to address the enemy line. “Behold! The Legate has arrived to discuss your invasion of our territory. He confers the honor of a audience upon your champion, Truck-chan.”

After that, I see some quick jostling for position among the enemy generals. Even from this far away, I can hear their complaints.

“I’m more experienced than Truck-chan!” says one.

“I represent the king. I should be there to negotiate terms of a surrender!” says another.

“I wonder if the Legate is cute?” says one of the female generals.

The others all stare at her, so she backpedals quickly. “For an… evil demon lord. Not because I’m interested! I’m just curious! It’s a matter of degrees!”

“How dare you!” I roar at her. “You think you may postulate that OUR Legate might be cute? Show some respect! The Legate is magnificent and awe inspiring. Where do you think your ‘cute’ fits into that?”

She shrinks down at my rebuke, but still replies, “So you’re saying he’s not cute ... he's hot?”

I shake my head at her and watch as the other generals pull her away toward the rear.

In the meantime, Truck-chan wiggles a bit in indecision, then rolls forward. This is fine, but her two riders were not invited. I raise my voice to object, “Truck-chan only! No servants or mascots!”

Truck-chan stops in place and blinks her lights at me in some sort of code. A moment later, the young man leans out of the side window to interpret. “She says it’s all of us or none. After all, you’ll need an interpreter.”

That makes sense to me, so I nod my assent, then motion them to follow me.

As I near the Legate’s palanquin, the various regimental champions spread out to allow us into the middle of the circle.

The one exception is Ishi, the granite golem. For some reason, he takes off in the other direction. “Has knife! Bad knife!” He calls out as he stomps away. Since he’s the leader, the other three golems follow after him. Pumice brings up the rear, since she's slowest.

Ishi has a point. I look back toward Truck-chan. She’s still armed! In fact, she has a knife in both of her hand-thingies. She's about to enter the Legate’s presence! I’m a failure as a guard! My only excuse is that there were so many distractions and points of confusion.

“Miss Truck-chan. Before the Legate graces us with his magnificent visage, I would ask that you put away your weapons.”

Before she can even respond, I hear the Legate’s voice behind me. “No. No. That’s quite all right. I imagine I have nothing to fear from Truck-chan or her knives.”

When I turn, I see that he has pulled back the beaded curtains and stepped forward down the front-facing staircase of his palanquin. More importantly, I consider his words and the meaning behind them. If he’s not afraid of Truck-chan, then is he claiming she can’t harm him? Is the Legate THAT powerful? Or maybe he’s received another dark revelation?

Realizing the significance of his declaration, I fall onto my face. The rest of the guard follows suit, and then all of his assembled champions. The only one still standing is Truck-chan. Though, I suppose we can’t blame her and her round little legs.

In the middle of the silence, I can hear her two passengers whispering to each other.

“He’s a human!” says the mascot.

“But he has horns!” says the servant.

Unauthorized use of content: if you find this story on Amazon, report the violation.

“Can’t ye see those are fake? Yer thinkin’ my extra ears up here are real too?”

“They aren’t?”

“Oh! Yer remindin’ me! I’ve got a bridge to sell ye!”

“Really? Why? Does it have ears too?”

“No, but it’s real cheap! Later! Later!”

Those two fall silent as the Legate walks around the side of Truck-chan. From what I can see, he’s getting a look at her from the side. Why he’s nodding to himself, I suppose I’ll never know. More dark revelations?

Finally, he stops and crosses his arms. “Truck-chan, is it? I don’t suppose you remember me? It’s been several years.”

There’s no response. Truck-chan and her riders all appear to be confused. From his statement, I gather that he has indeed met her before. But where?

“Maybe you’ll remember me if I say my name? Sato Mamoru?”

All of us gasp in horror. The Legate has revealed his true name! Directly to his enemies? In front of this whole crowd? There’s no telling what sort of sorcery could now be enacted! A moment later, I smile in relief. It must be a lie or a trick of some sort.

Truck-chan responds with some blinking lights, interpreted by her boy servant. “She says she remembers you now. She didn’t recognize you because of your new horns. Also, she wants to know if you ever got that evil spirit out of your right arm?”

“Mmm… yes. I got bored of real magic after a few days here. Once you’re surrounded by the legion, all that nonsense seems pretty foolish, doesn’t it? On the other hand, it works.”

“She says she’s glad you’re doing well, but she’s here to take you down.”

“About that… well… you see, I have an idea.”

“An idea?” The boy tilts his helmet in confusion.

“I’d like to avoid any pain. But, I’d really like another isekai. This one kinda stinks. If I lay down right here, do you think she could run me over ... uhh... gently?”

The boy starts to respond, interrupted by Truck-chan's blinking lights. “Uhh… w-w-what? Umm… she says that’ll be no problem.”

“All right! Have fun everybody!” With that goodbye, the Legate suddenly lies down right in the middle of the road and closes his eyes.

I stand up and move to interpose my body. “Legate? What are you doing?”

“I’m just getting isekaied. It’s a time honored tradition.”

I’m not sure what’s happening. All I know is that my cyclops eye is darting around in fear. The Legate isn’t acting like his usual self! Or is he? He's always been pretty unusual.

Truck-chan’s breath is revving up and down and spurts of smoke are pouring out from her tail. Even I can tell that she’s about to charge.

“Legate! What do you mean? What will this accomplish?”

“I’m going to let Truck-chan kill me. Then, I’ll go to a better world.”

“That’s what you meant by getting isekaied? Is that some sort of verb?”

“Just roll with it.”

“You’ll be dead! Legate, no!”

“Never mind that. I’ll be fine!”

“Nooo! We love you!”

Behind me, I can hear the other guards chiming in, “Legate! Don’t leave us!”

After that, it’s the champions weeping loudly,”Legate! We need you!”

The Legate opens his eyes to peer around at his mourners. “Don’t worry, if you’re here, you can come too!”

“W-w-what? Noooo!” They begin to back away.

I stare at him while Truck-chan backs up to get a running start. How can I explain this sudden change in his behavior? Is this a dark revelation? But he’s not listening to the air. He’s not holding his right arm and screaming out nonsense. No, this must be something else!

There is only one possible explanation! “Guards! Champions! To me! It’s a trick! Truck-chan must have mental powers! She’s brainwashed the Legate! We must move quickly to defend him!”

The first to respond is Black, from the Five Skulls, “That’s impossible! To brainwash the Legate, her mental powers would need to be EVEN STRONGER than his!”

The next to respond is Prefect DeekDeek the goblin, who raises his arms into the air and sits down. “I surrender! Please, don’t hurt me!”

The next is Ushio, the minotaur, who falls over, “My stomach! I can’t mooooo-ve!”

Those three are useless, but not the Praetorian Guard. We charge forward in a rumble, shaking the earth with our march. We are the biggest and the strongest. At least for a moment, we’re able to stop her.

Unfortunately, it can’t last forever. Her knives swish back and forth and many of my comrades fall around me. Once she has a clear path, she rushes through, straight toward the Legate’s prone body.

Luckily, we still have the Five Skulls! They’ve come to some agreement and arrive leaping forward in one of their best maneuvers. First, the largest two, Red and Blue, join arms around each other’s shoulders. Then, the next two, Black and Green, jump up onto that support, landing back to back, facing away from each other. Finally, the shiniest one, Gold, leaps all the way up to stand on top.

“Typhoon of Bones!” All five of them cry out together, activating their combined attack.

When they start spinning, I know we’ve won. Nobody can face this, their most powerful formation! As the winds spring up around them, I realize that conclusion unfortunately includes me. A moment later, I find myself pushed away and thrown to the side.

“BEEEEEP! Beeeep?”

Even this is still not enough to stop Truck-chan. When she plows through the circling winds the five skeletons reappear and go flying out the top of their tornado.

On the other hand, the blast was enough to shake Truck-chan around. She leaves the center of the tornado with a new trajectory, spinning on her central axis like a top. Her new path misses the Legate entirely.

Instead, Miyu and Mitsuki, who have just started their dance, are flung aside from the force of Truck-chan’s spinning charge. From what I can see, Miyu got caught by one of Truck-chan’s flashing knives. Mitsuki is bent over her weeping loudly. “It was too soon! I’ll never be able to replace you! I was your biggest fan!”

Looking about, I see that all of the champions have either surrendered, fallen, or been demolished. The only defense remaining is the tattered remnants of Praetorian Guard. Yet, we can barely move to interpose ourselves. The battle is lost. Our only option is to retreat.

“Save the Legate! Carry him! We’ll run for it! We can’t let Truck-chan get him!”

“Wait! No! Don’t SAVE me!” The Legate complains when we pick him up.

“This is for your own good!”

“No, it’s not! Stop it!”

“You’ve been brainwashed Legate! Please, come back to your senses!”

“No, I haven’t! Stop bouncing around so much!”

We are so much bigger than him. We can’t help but spring up and down unevenly as we run with him in our arms. Unfortunately, no matter how fast we go, I can hear Truck-chan’s wheels behind us. “Legate! We’re trying to save you! Stop struggling!”

“No! I don’t want to be saved!”

“Quick! Here’s a manhole!" I point out the landmark to my subordinates. "Into the sewers! She can’t follow us down there!”

“You will NOT take me into the sewers! Monster poop is … ugh!” There is some splattering when we land in the not-quite water. Some of said splattering happens to reach his face. The reason he is spitting it out is probably unrelated.

Despite all our efforts, I was wrong about her inability to follow us into the sewers. There’s a screech of rubber on the bricks above, then I see her flying up into the air. In a moment of lucidity, I can also see the faces of her two passengers screaming in terror. At the height of her leap, she begins emitting a strange glowing aura. A career feature of some sort? After that, she crashes straight down on top of us, going straight through the ceiling as if it wasn’t even there.

“BEEEEP!”

The last thing I hear is the Legate’s final words trailing off. “She did it! Maybe I’ll go back home! I wonder if… I’ll … still … have … my …”

I don’t know what his last word was going to be. Now, I won’t be able to tell anyone! How will we remember him without his last words? I know! I’ll make something up.

“What was he about to say? I wonder if I’ll still have my … my … my …”

“Horns?” suggests the young man from inside Truck-chan’s canopy.

“Money?” suggests the mascot.

I scowl at both of them. “No! He was going to say something more heroic and brave!”

“Heroic bravery?”

“Good looks?”

“No. No. That’s just not right. It needs to be something better than that.”

“Honor?”

“Money?”

“Aaagh! You already said that!”

The two fall silent, which gives me time to think. Unfortunately, the other guards arrive before I can reach a decision.

“The Legate is dead? What were his final words?” They ask the question, and I must answer.

“He said that he wondered if he’d still have his … horns. Horns… yes, horns.”

“Oh!” My subordinates nod in understanding. “He did like his horns.”

“But those were fake!” complains the mascot.

“You take that back! Those were real!” I roar out.

Truck-chan flashes her lights, and the servant-boy interprets for her, “Fake or not. It really doesn’t matter. She’s about to ‘isekai’ all of you too.”

“BEEEEEP!”