Chapter 12 - Guildsmaster Utherick, Archpriest of the Peerless Temple

When the new king invited me to an unexpected party, I wasn’t sure what to expect. The prior king was known for expensive and boring affairs that served mostly as a waste of food and alcohol. The food was all right, I suppose, but since I don’t drink due to my religious strictures, I was left feeling out of place.

If nothing else, tonight’s event would be something of interest. I approach the day beforehand in a leisurely fashion. As night approaches, my aides help me into my best robes. All this fits my intent to arrive fashionably late.

The guards outside the palace give me small bows. I can guess that I’m one of the most easily recognizable personages in the capital. My ceremonial robes go a long way toward that effect, and I can’t really object. I’ve found that most crime and corruption withers away at the mere sight of me.

Looking around inside the great hall, I can see many other important faces. The king, of course, stands at the central platform. He’s still wearing the same hood with the crown, as does his wife with her small tiara. I suppose the years of hiding your identity has become a habit for the two of them. He should really put on a shirt though.

Lower on the platform stand Prince Henry and Princess Letta. Since the king had no children of his own, he decided to adopt the two orphans as his heirs. Not the wisest decision, but I suppose it ties up all the loose ends. Henry is still very small, so his sister is the most likely heir. She’s nearly twice his height.

That is no business of mine, so my attention turns outwards. Around the hall, I note various dukes and counts and other nobility. A party like this is where alliances and enemies are cemented.

My eyes then drift to the other guildsmasters. For example, Winnifred and Marmalade are standing side by side as a united front. I’m not sure when or why the betrayal occurred, but the Arcane Tower is now closely allied with the Shadowed Glove.

The two of them both are finely clothed, with silk dresses and thin veils to cover their faces. Marmalade is orange tonight. Winnifred is a bright blue, though I can see she’s wearing her black cat ears underneath the veil.

Those two, working together, look like storm clouds on the horizon. A magically empowered thieves’ guild? I shiver in disgust. The mere idea is nauseating! However, their cooperation has spurred Truck-chan to more and more battles against the legions. I suppose I shouldn’t complain until…

Wait a second!

What I had assumed to be a tasteless display of artwork in the middle of the room is actually Truck-chan herself. She’s wearing a humongous ballroom gown. The silk pleats look quite pricey, but it is nothing compared to the exquisite earrings and other jewelry. So those arm-thingies are actually her ears? I thought the wizard said those appendages were hands!

She sits in the center of the hall, unmoving. I suppose she can’t eat, she can’t drink, she can’t dance, she can’t even engage in the gossip that flits back and forth. I almost feel sorry for her, but the sight is too much to take in.

While I stare in awe, a hand claps down on my shoulder, “Ho there Utherick! You made it!”

Typically, the great knight of the Soldier's Boot is arrayed in his thick armor. This time, he wears a formal tuxedo. Despite that, he’s still wearing his gauntlets, and his hand on my shoulder is heavy.

“Ah, yes! Ripworth. It is good to see you too!” I do my best to smile at him. I must be polite! His guild is the only ally that I have left! With Winnifred and Marmalade against me, I worry for the future of the temple and the kingdom itself.

“Have you had a drink yet? There’s some exotic juices that I think you might appreciate.”

“Juice? Unfermented?”

“Right! The king was very specific that the party cater to the tastes of all of his guests.”

“How thoughtful! I’ll have to offer my thanks!”

“Just have a drink and show him that you like it!”

“I certainly will!”

Ripworth waves me on as I head over toward the drink tables. I have to weave in and out of several introductions and conversations, finally arriving long after my mouth is dry. Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. At the table, I’m met with several choices.

Each bowl, bottle, and keg is carefully labeled, so I peer over the different concoctions and ingredients. Many can be eliminated immediately. Others are left up to my taste and preference. I wouldn’t want to partake from more than one or two, or I might develop a reputation.

At the point that I’ve narrowed my choice down to three options, an interruption arrives. Marmalade slides up next to me and examines the list of drinks for herself. I wouldn’t think anything of it, but she hasn’t offered a greeting, and she’s standing much too close!

“Marmalade. A pleasure to see you. I must admit, this party is the best that I’ve attended in several years.”

“It is quite nice!” She agrees, then leans closer to whisper. “Can I ask you for a small favor?”

“Of course!” I whisper back and the two of us move away to somewhere more private.

“See that fellow there? Little prince Henry’s attendant? Don’t stare! Look casually!”

“Yes, I see him. The one with two drinks in his hands?”

“He’s sworn to Prince Henry’s service, but he’s taken a bribe from the Princess.”

“Really?” This seems banal and pointless. Rumors and hearsay.

“Winnifred let it slip that he purchased a vial of aconite and hellebore last night. Oh look, I believe that might be it right there!”

My eyes swing back to the attendant. I see he has finished and discarded his first drink. The second is held low, while he pours a small bottle of additional liquid over the rim. All this is done underneath the trailing sleeve of his long coat, the practiced moves of a trained poisoner.

“He wouldn’t! Right here at the party?” I whisper in horror.

“I couldn’t honestly confront him. There’s no way that I would know that the vial there is poison. Furthermore, it would ruin my alliance with Winnifred. Do you think you could do something?”

“Of course!”

With that, I stride forth, headed for the midpoint between the attendant and his liege, the prince . Since he is now following that line, I’ll cross his path right where I’m aiming.

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As I walk, I focus on the glass he’s holding and chant underneath my breath. “Toxin Fox Kin. Fox Kin Toxin. Come you then for my oxen?”

Not long before we meet, I can see the invisible dark aura spreading out from the glass in his hand. Marmalade was right! It's poison! The poor prince! Now, how to deal with this quietly?

“Oh, is that for me?” I deftly reach out and grab hold of the glass’s stem, though he retains his grip on the top.

“W-w-what? Oh, Archpriest! No, this drink is for the prince.”

“Really? I think this one is too strong for a child his age.”

I can see the reaction of fear in his eyes. He knows that I know. Now what?

“Ahh… yes. I could drink it myself?” He offers.

“Hmm…” That would be an appropriate and fitting end, but what would that accomplish? I lean forward to whisper, “Why don’t you let me take it? Then meet me tomorrow morning for a full confession. I promise not to dig too deeply into your reasons.”

With a shallow nod, he relinquishes the glass into my hand. “Thank you!”

Now what am I going to do with this? Oh no! I can just imagine the scandal if I was found holding a drink full of poison! “Deash of Breash. Breash of Deash. Poison’s sting tastes so fresh!”

Idiotic spell lyrics! Whoever wrote that one had a lisp! But, the spell is complete.

I see a dark aura puff upwards into the air, then fade away. Afterwards, I quaff down the whole glass, to the open dismay of the attendant. He nearly faints while I send him a smile. One of the nice things about that spell is that it eliminates even the strongest of poisons. In other words, I can even remove alcohol, making it easier to maintain my strictures.

With the disaster averted, I head back toward the drink table. From across the room, I receive a nod of thanks from Marmalade. This time, fearing more interruptions, I move more quickly, selecting an unfermented exotic fruit juice. I’ve heard that the taste is quite sour, but the smell is exquisite!

Unfortunately, I’m not quick enough. Before I can even take a sip, a new issue arrives. It's Ripworth with my sisters, Brynn and Evie, one on each arm. All three of them appear to be inebriated, and I notice that his hands around them are too low on their hips for my approval.

“Ho there Utherick! Enjoyin’ the party?”

“It is quite nice.” I give him a glare. “I see you are enjoying my sisters’ company.”

He winks at me, “Keep thinkin’ I should marry one of ‘em, but I can’t decide which one!”

I shiver in fear. Knowing my sisters’ competitive spirit, a challenge like that will drive them mad. There’s no telling what means they will use to gain the upper hand. Although, in the end, I doubt either of them is interested in the man himself. They just can’t stand to lose.

Oh, well… I gave up on both of them years ago. If one of them finally settles for holy matrimony, that would be the first step in the right direction! I’d even offer to conduct the ceremony.

In any case, I’d rather extricate myself from this foolish conversation. I dip my head to Utherick, my sisters, and then turn back to my drink. Unfortunately, Ripworth’s heavy gauntlet comes down my shoulder again, jostling my arm and spilling it all down my front.

“Ho! I’d say that you’ve already had too much!”

“I haven’t had ANY!”

“Naw! No need to lie! I saw ya drinkin’ that glass right in the middle of the room!”

“Oh, that’s true! But, that doesn’t count!”

“Hahaha! Doesn’t count? That’s great! I haven’t started countin’ drinks yet either!”

“But! Oh… never mind!” I try to pull away, but he has me held fast. In fact, he pulls me in closer to whisper in my ear.

“Utherick. Look sharp. There’s something nasty afoot between my mother and little Winnie over there!”

He’s suddenly lost his drunken drawl! Meaning all of that was an act? Following his instructions, I sneak a glance over towards the terrible twosome. They are huddled closely together, but I can distinctly see Marmalade pass a suspicious vial of liquid into Winnifred’s hands.

“What are they doing?” I whisper back.

“Not sure yet. But keep your eyes open.”

We push apart when Winnifred spins around to head directly toward our position. She slides between the other attendees, swiftly arriving at our little group. Ripworth taps each of my sisters on the butt, signaling for them to retreat.

“Funny seein’ ye two together. Yer both havin’ fun, aye?”

“Ho there Winnie-ford!” Ripworth replies brashly, drawing out the sound of her name. He’s playing the lush again.

My own response is more refined, “It is a fine party.”

“I’m thinkin’ I’m askin’ ye two fer a favor!” Winnifred bats her eyelashes at us. As if I didn’t know better!

I give a slight shake of my head. Winnifred asking for a ‘favor’ is like a cobra asking for a handshake!

“Ha ha ha! Bet you got that from my own sweet mother?” says Ripworth. That fool!

“Yer not as daft as ye look!”

“You neither miss Windy-foot! So, what's your favor asking for?”

“Well, I was hopin’ to make an acquaintance with the little prince. Can one of ye fellas do me an introduction?”

Dastardly! Having failed the first time, she must mean to murder him herself!

From the corner of my eyes, I watch Ripworth, but he just sends me a wink. “Ha ha ha! Sure thing little lady! You know you can always count on me!”

“Oh! Yer so majestic-like! It’s so reassurin’ havin’ a big man like ye around!” She focuses on him, batting her eyes even harder. Ugh! Seriously?

“Sure thing! Let’s go then!”

“Jus’ ye wait! I’ll be needin’ a drink!”

I watch as she nabs a long-necked carafe to pour herself a drink. Since I know what to look for, I catch a glimpse of the vial dripping from her sleeve onto the rim.

She must mean to offer the drink directly to him? But who would be so stupid? I glance over at the prince, realizing that there's the one who fits the bill. Right there, he looks about just stupid enough to fall for it. Poor child, he's at that fool-headed age where he's just noticed the opposite sex. Winnifred’s sly attractions will bowl him right over!

Thinking quickly, I step forward, moving to accompany the two on their way to the prince. Since the two of us are taller than Winnifred, we walk on either side, and exchange a nod over her head. Neither of us knows what the plan is, but we’ll figure something out!

Right before we reach the prince, Ripworth fakes a fall, twirling around. Winnifred dances out of the way, which gives me a chance to reach out for her spilling drink.

“Ho there! We nearly had an accident!” Ripworth cries out.

“Ye big twit! Have ye got two left feet?”

“I’ve been de-feeted!” He laughs.

With a grin, I take the drink from her hand. “It’s sloshed a bit. I’ll take care of it.”

Winnifred slows down and looks up to me. Are those actual tears in her eyes! She’s such an actor! “Ah deary me! I’m all mussed up, now! I need to adjust me ears!”

"Which ones?" I look to the ones one top, but I know those are fake.

"All of 'em of course!"

Regardless of her humor, this is my opportunity. Since our plan was so spontaneous, I was concerned that we might need to do something more severe. Ripworth can handle Winnifred and keep her right here! Instead, I walk away carrying the poisoned drink.

Once I’m out of ear-shot, I repeat the same spell from earlier, “Deash of Breash. Breash of Deash. Poison’s sting tastes so fresh!”

The cloud of death rises and fades as usual, confirming my suspicion. In fact, it's even worse than usual. It must have been something truly nasty.

Not only was the drink poisoned, but I saw Winnifred do it. But, what now? I don’t want to let her schemes ruin the party!

I take a look at the glass. There may be rumors that I’ve become a drunkard, but it’s safest to simply dispose of the evidence. The poison is removed, so I upend the glass into my own mouth. It has a nice tang. I’m left wondering which fruit it came from.

Suddenly, the room trembles violently. But, it’s not the room. It’s me! Have I been poisoned? But, how? I cast the spell! I know it worked! I saw the poison’s aura dissipate! What is happening?

I look up to see Marmalade bearing down on my position. Was this part of her plan somehow? Was this whole night was a setup to trap me?

“W-w-what did you do to me?” I gasp. My voice is so weak! I can barely even hear my own words.

“Don’t worry! You removed the poison. You’ll be fine.”

I stare at her smiling face. Something’s different. She’s kinda… pretty?

“We poisoned that drink. Just like you’d expect, but that was the trap. The poison was there to disguise the hammer underneath. We drugged it with magic too. Just for you!”

I feel the floor slipping out from under me. Since when is a drug not a poison? They must have prepared something very special just to get past my defenses.

“Truck-chan? I believe the Archpriest is ill! Do you think you can get him home safely?”

"BEEP!"